This marks about the eighth time I've taken a seat and attempted to write a blog on the subject of my current, and soon-to-be former, relationship. The previous ones said most of what I wanted them to but were a bit scattered because that's what my brain is on the subject right now. The only thing I am sure of, and becoming more and more sure of each day, is that it is over. I've said that before and I've attempted to end it before and it's never taken because I still had one foot in the door. And she knew that and she would prey on my uncertainty to bring me back into the fold. What's different this time is that it's not just one foot out the door and my feelings still inside the house wishing things were different. It's more like bags are packed, door is wide open, cab is outside and the only thing I'm waiting for is her to show up so I can hand her the keys and make my exit. And the real kicker is I doubt she even realizes how dire the situation has become. Why? Because she's on "vacation" in Hawaii. That word is in quotes because it seems more like she's incarcerated than on a relaxing beach vacation. I only have to her texts to go by but it sounds as if all 24 hours of every single day has been planned out meticulously. And it would also appear that she's not allowed to spend even a minute by herself, since she's with people every single second. I don't believe it. At all. And what little patience I have has worn thin over the past few days.
I had some pretty awesome and eye opening conversations with friends this weekend. The level of clarity I have on the situation now is amazing. I have always had a bit of a savior complex. It's not that I want to fix the person or their circumstances, it's that I want to be a sort of safe place for them and make at least this part of their life easier. The problem with that is I can become very fiercely attached and it makes it that much more difficult to walk away when the time comes. Even as it all comes crashing down around me, my instinct is still to try and be there for that person. It's that same thing that kept me in and out of this relationship. But it started to become difficult for me to be sympathetic because much of the drama she dealt with on a daily basis could have been avoided. She could have taken herself out of those situations, but chose not to and will no doubt continue to be severely affected because of it. I'm not saying it would be an easy thing to do at all but when someone causes you pain, you ultimately decide whether or not to continue to allow that in your life. Just as I am deciding not to allow something that is no longer making me happy or growing me as a person in my life.
I've been unhappy here for so long that it's making me physically ill just to think about it. I should have taken my own advice long ago and followed through on leaving. It's especially ridiculous because as our fights became more frequent, they also got much nastier and I couldn't believe the things that would fly out of her mouth. I could never fathom saying those things to someone I was in love with, regardless of how upset I was. But that was always her excuse the next morning - 'I'm sorry, I was upset'. I would forgive her every time but I'd never forget it. When I said as much, she said some B.S. about how I was 'keeping score' when that wasn't the case at all. I don't keep score with anyone. I just became super aware of the things I would share with her because it was like being under arrest; I never knew what would later be used against me when she became upset. And every time we fought and things got out of control, I retreated a bit more. About a month ago, we had it out so good that I woke up the next morning sure it was over. I thought it went down perfectly too because she was the one who hung up on me and I've always felt it would be better for her big ass ego if she were the one to call it quits. But late that afternoon she sent the usual text about fixing things. Those texts used to come with an apology but they haven't for quite some time now. Even if it is her fault, she doesn't care enough to admit to it.
Since that fight we've been on and off, something helped by both of our schedules. She's been traveling or working for about three weeks now and the first week was still making time to text and ask how my health was. Since then? I could be six feet under right now and she wouldn't even know it. Her excuse is that she's never near her phone so she basically is able to only text in the morning and then at the end of the day, before she goes to bed at 8PM. While on vacation. In Hawaii. Yeah, it doesn't make much sense to me either. I don't buy that every second of her life is occupied. This really is showing me her true colors and this time I'm more than willing to sit in the front row and pay close attention to the presentation. I've been sick for a week and she knew this, the last time we talked was the day before she left and I could barely get two words out between coughing fits. I felt as awful as I sounded. The next day she was flying East to West and had a very long layover before taking off for Hawaii. She didn't call. Hell, she barely even texted. Because every second of that layover was apparently planned out for her too. I find it funny how blocks of her life are being planned out by other people to the point where she can't even talk to who she wants. Unless she has no desire to talk to me, and I've concluded that must be it. She has not once asked how I'm feeling or what's going on in my life. Not once. Because she doesn't care. If you care about someone, you make the effort to at least text them. I decided to leave this communication thing completely up to her since she's four hours behind me. Her lack of effort to even text spoke volumes. And if it's one thing I know about myself, it's that once I've made the decision to pick up my marbles and go home, the last thing you should do is cut off contact for a week. Because you will lose me.
All that said, I know extricating myself from this is not going to be easy. We had planned to do something next weekend and before she left she went out of her way to tell me that she's coming back specifically for that. She said she would have booked her flight to L.A. instead to see some friends so I'd better not bail on her. But I'm not even sure what there is to bail on at this point. I'm not going to put myself in a situation where you can attempt to make me change my mind. And it's not like you're flying out to some foreign land where you don't know anybody, you're flying to the city you live in. It's four days you'll be here and then you're gone again and we're both on with separate lives. I expect to get shit for refusing to hang out. In fact, she'll probably be more pissed about that than she will be about this actually ending. Which is fucked up. But doesn't surprise me in the least. Next weekend is going to be far less awesome than this weekend was.
