I am flabbergasted. She texted me off and on for a few hours but I remained silent. I seriously considered never speaking to her again. I thought she would back off and at least give me the rest of the evening to myself, but about four hours later she sent another email that ended with, "I feel like taking a bunch of pills and going to sleep...". Because I had set up a filter to reroute her messages, I didn't see it until an hour later. I knew it wasn't a legit suicide threat but I decided to air on the side of caution, especially with something like this. Awhile back a friend of mine had to deal with a similar incident with someone she was in contact with, from the same site I found this chick on (note to selves: don't shop in that neighborhood anymore). That was scary enough and I wasn't even directly involved, I never imagined I'd be dealing with it myself. I finally texted and she came back with another line about how she didn't want to live anymore and she'd never felt the desire to end her own life until she thought those would be the last words we spoke to each other. She followed that up with, "I'm not saying I will I'm just saying that's how I feel". She asked if I didn't want to talk to her anymore but then begged me not to say no because she couldn't take it. When I said I thought it was best we didn't talk the rest of the night, she went back to saying she may take some sleeping pills and go to sleep and how she wanted to not wake up. Her next few texts were all jumbled and misspelled and I asked if she'd already taken something. She said yes, I asked what and how many and all she kept saying was she was sorry. I told her if I didn't get a coherent text from her in the next five minutes I was going to text both her mother and her roommate. Suddenly her texts were back to being what they usually are and she begged me not to text her mom and said she'd just take two Advil PM. She asked over and over if this was the end and her moods continued to swing between 'please don't let this be the end' and 'you don't care anyway, just tell me it's over'. It was...*sigh*.
As I suspected, she brought up the deaf incident and attempted to spin this again. I didn't even acknowledge the bait and when she realized that, she began begging to talk again and said this couldn't be the end. I expect she'll bring it up again tomorrow when we talk and say that she got over that so I should just get over this. But replaying the end of that convo in my head...I remember it so clearly and remembering the feeling it gave me makes me sick. "I'm not gonna talk to someone who is fucking autistic...I said you sound like you're fucking autistic". I think it would be easier for me if she hadn't said it twice. When I asked if she was deaf, she asked me to clarify what I'd said and I had enough sense to realize it had hurt her and I did not say it again. But her anger just takes complete control over her entire being. She didn't even think twice about repeating it and went so far as to practically yell it the second time around. And that is what I am not okay with. At all.
This is the problem when trying to end it with someone who knows just how you tick. She has always preyed on how much I care about and am attached to the people I love and tonight was no different. She knew I wouldn't be able to ignore what she wrote me and I wonder if there wasn't even motive behind the way she chose to deliver it. She knows I'm not connected to my email 24/7 so I'm curious as to why she chose to email 'I don't wanna live' instead of texting it. The whole email was two lines. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but I wonder if she didn't email it thinking that if I still didn't respond in a timely manner, she could either spin it to say I don't care if she lives or dies or not respond when I did text so I would think something happened and be freaked out all night. If neither of those is the case then she took a damn good guess about me being able to get to email at that almost exact time. I don't know. I don't know what to say tomorrow, I don't know where the convo will veer. But I'm finding it very hard to look at her the way I used to. These kind of stunts aren't exactly helping. She said the four hours we didn't talk were torture. The next round of silence may last much longer than that.
