You know it's time to cash in your chips on a relationship when even the tiniest interaction with the other person makes your blood boil. Welcome to my day, kids. I wrote in my last post about how a certain someone doesn't even seem to care about me or what's happening in my life. I wrote about how her every moment seems to be occupied and planned out for her, as if she's in some sort of prison camp. And I wrote about how the only thing she seems capable of texting is smart ass comments about how she's sooooo busy and doing this or that on the island. The worst thing for me when in the middle of an argument is to have to leave things unresolved, and she knows this but has demonstrated many times that she just doesn't care about it. She'll pass out in the middle of a fight if she's been drinking enough (and even if she hasn't, really). So it wasn't really surprising that her opening lines today when she texted were, "I'm sorry that me having a life and vacation is upsetting you so much". I've told her, in detail, what is bothering me and it's not that I'm upset with her. But see, her logic is so fucking skewed that anything I say right now is going to be twisted into me being upset and "torturing" her by expressing myself. It's fucking ridiculous. But it's also brilliant on her part because there's no reason for me to ever win an argument because her logic is so damn warped. She knew the day she left for this trip that things were not okay but she's chosen to ignore that and try to put it all on me and say I'm the one creating drama and ruining her vacation.
She texted me today around four and honestly, it'd been better if she'd never said another thing to me. After her killer opening line, she went on to talk about how she asked once how I was doing (aren't I lucky boy!) and then tried to turn it around on me and say I haven't asked her how she's doing at all. I'm sorry, if you show absolutely no interest in my life then I'm not going to fawn all over you and your vacation. It doesn't work that way. You don't get to ignore somebody and then expect them to clamor for what little attention you choose to give them. Yesterday she floated the idea of actually talking on the phone this morning but that didn't work out either. Because she had to get to the surf place instead. "Had to" are her favorite words when she's doing something with friends that she wants to do but wants me to think she's being goaded into doing. That way it seems like she has no control over whether or not we talk and it isn't her deliberately choosing not to talk because she "had to" go with the crowd so as not to be rude. She thinks I don't know anything with "had to" in it is a bunch of crap and I prefer to keep it that way. It's not like it'll matter much longer though.
I've been over everything that's going on with us right now for days now but I hit a whole new level this afternoon. When I said she doesn't seem to care what's going on with me, her rebuttal that she'd asked once came with a screenshot of our text history. It was from a few days ago and what it actually said was, "Please let me know you're okay", which is her way of saying she hasn't heard from me in awhile and wants to make sure I'm alive. It was a completely self-serving text, sent to make sure I was still on the line. It wasn't a genuine, 'how are you and how's life' text like she seems to think it was. I didn't even read the thing, just glanced at it. What caught my attention though was my number at the top of the message and not my name. It wasn't new information, she told me a few weeks ago she deleted me from her phone because she no longer wanted to get crap from her friends about texting me (but somehow they don't catch on that she's got a lengthy text convo going on with a random number? It doesn't make any sense but whatever.). But something about actually seeing my words with just a number assigned to them made me snap. If she has decided to reduce me to just a number on a screen then why am I not doing the same? I hadn't even thought about it until a few days ago and even then, as upset as I was, I chose not to take that step. Because in my head that would be one of the major signals that I was finished with this whole mess. After sitting with that screenshot for a few hours, I decided to begin the process of removing myself from this situation. I deleted her from my contacts list in my phone. I added a filter to my email so that her messages no longer go to my inbox but are instead archived immediately. Those are two relatively minor things to most people but they're huge for me because it's not often that I'm pushed to such measures. It takes A LOT to be banned from my contact list. I've had major falling outs with friends in the past that left us estranged but I never removed them from my phone. But if I'm committed to ending this, it's gotta start somewhere. And it felt oddly liberating to do it.
