I've been a bit at a loss when it comes to what to write about the end of my most recent "relationship". It's not that I have any doubts about us going our separate ways, it's just that there is SO much I need to vent about. I have a couple of blogs in the pipeline about it all but I want to go over them to make sure they're not repetitive, and to make sure I get all of it out. For now, let's talk about the final end of the saga that has been the two of us. During our last conversation I found myself swaying between apathy and anger. She has this way of deflecting blame about everything and twisting my words in ways I never knew words could be twisted. Anything to keep from having to take responsibility for her own actions. And it wasn't always like this, we used to be able to talk like adults and use our inside voices. But not for the last six months or so (at least). She claims I don't listen when she's the one who defends herself against every little thing I say, using our text messages to prove her point ("look back at your texts" is her favorite phrase). I could start talking about how the sky is blue and she would argue with me and try to twist it. By the time we had that last conversation, I was at a loss. I did still care about her but I was over listening to her twist my words and fighting and never being able to get in my side of the story. It was all about how I was wrong, how I didn't give a fuck, how I did all these things to hurt her. Because it is ALWAYS about her in some way. I found myself tuning out for most of the conversation, especially at the end. She hung up (for the third time in that evening) and I didn't bother to call her back.
When I'm in an unhappy relationship my emotions tend to fluctuate quite a bit. A friend compares it to one of those meters in some sort of power plant where the little arrow slowly ticks down to the danger zone. If that arrow is in the green area, we're all good but if it gets down to the yellow area...well, things could go either way. Once it's in the red, I'm pretty much out the door already. That red-orange area on the meter is when I'm teetering on the edge of apathy and once I get there, there's really no coming back. In apathy mode I will become a bit of a cold bastard, not necessarily because I no longer care but because I just want to cut the cord and be done with it all. Sometimes I regret my actions in daylight but I regret nothing when it comes to the end of this one. I'm so tired of the double standards and the ridiculous assumptions she makes about how I feel. But it was right about the time she started asking about dating other people that I realized how much I just don't care anymore. I didn't feel a thing while thinking about her with some other guy. My only thought was maybe she'll find one that can give her what she wants; marriage and kids, and put up with her crazy family. Hell, maybe she'll find herself in the arms of her ex again (which she completely denies but I wouldn't be at all surprised by).
I really ran out of patience with her and I could kick myself for staying so long. I was in the yellow zone around Christmas but she brought me back into the fold. She continued to bring me back in every time I tried to end it. She went on a rant about how terrible I supposedly am towards her, which is total bullshit, and how she's stayed for two years because I begged her not to go, etc. And she is partially right about me wanting her not to go...but that seems so long ago. Lately, when she says she's leaving, I hope it's the end but know it isn't and brace for the texts she will send trying to fix things. But there is nothing left to fix. I don't care anymore. And if I'm so "terrible", then why has she hung around? Why was she begging me not to go weeks ago when she hurt me? She accused me of having all the power here and over her personal life and I told her no one's held a gun to her head and forced her to stay in this. She could have picked up her marbles and gone home at any time, but she chose not to. Don't blame that shit on me as if you're not a damn adult who is in control of their own life (even though she's not in control, her family has a large say in her life). I'm just...done. I have been for awhile but that argument was just the end for me.
