*sigh*...I'm having one of those days where I would like to punch a wall. I imagine it would get out all of my frustration and anger over this relationship I've left behind. Unfortunately, I also imagine it would hurt like a mofo to punch a wall so I will write instead. What is there to say here? Even as I write this, I'm not sure myself. I thought I would feel immense relief once we came to an end, and I did, but I also feel quite a bit of anger. I took a lot of shit from her and a tiny part of me hoped she would at least take responsibility for it once she knew it was the real end. But the rest of me pushed that tiny little piece out of the way and slapped him with a dose of reality, and it's a good thing since she couldn't even fathom admitting to anything. So I told her it must be nice to be so perfect and never make any mistakes and she gave a reply about how she's not perfect, only Jesus is perfect (now there's an unexpected cameo for you). And that pissed me off beyond belief so I went off about almost everything that bothers me about her. For once, I had it in me to treat her the way she always treats me but she, of course, didn't see it that way. She went into full victim mode once again and twisted my words. Then she asks if I have anymore "hits" to deliver because we're about to be over. I told her she could consider us over and hung up. And I didn't feel bad about it AT ALL. Her backpedaling took on a whole never level in that conversation and I was just so far past my breaking point. And one moment in the convo in particular illustrates why she is so impossible to date. I said something fairly minor and she said, 'Fuck you'. Deciding I'm not taking any disrespect anymore, I hung up the phone. A few minutes later we talked again and she starts telling me how she's glad I called to apologize. Are. You. Kidding me?? I flat out told her she's a bully when she gets upset and her anger has escalated the last few months or so because I refuse to be bullied anymore and that only upsets her more. This is the thing with her, she needs to be the one in control, she needs to be the one seen as a victim, she needs the attention. I no longer need this at all and I'm not going to stay in something that is causing me more harm than good.
During this conversation she repeatedly asked me not to be so hostile towards her. But I really have no other setting with her these days. We're either teetering on the edge of a fight or we're in the midst of one and that leaves no room to be my normal, rational self when we're talking. I'm constantly on the defense and I hate that. I hate this anger that she brings up in me. And the reason that I get so furious is because she doesn't ever, ever, ever take responsibility for the things she does. I just don't understand how anyone can be that oblivious. She told me not to use the word, 'victim' because it bothers her (what a shock), but I used it a few more times and she starts on about how I'm trying to deliberately hurt her. Well pot, meet kettle. I could've sworn that I told her a dozen times post-hangup how much that bothers me and hurts me but it has never stopped her from doing it. Of course, all those hangups have to take a backseat to me having hung up on her that day. The only thing I can compare what she does to is like her pushing someone down into the mud with all the force she can muster, but then saying, 'Yeah but look at this cut I got while pushing you'. It's so fucking manipulative. And the big kicker is that she thinks it's okay to do that to people. She thinks it's okay to do whatever she wants and then just say, 'Oh I was upset' later and everything should go back to being happy. It really is an amazing ability she has to flip things.
