I cannot remember the last time I was this fucking livid. I may never have been this upset before in my entire thirty-one years on the planet (and you know I'm pissed about something when I'm willing to admit my actual age). I got a series of texts this afternoon from her:
Hey (12:01 PM)
I miss you (12:01 PM)
I woke up in tears this morning. I hate things the way they are (12:02 PM)
Please text me something (12:11 PM)
If you're never talking to me again please tell me. I can't take this (12:30 PM)
It all sounded like the typical crap she texts the morning after a fight, semi-apologetic and assuming that love will keep us together and bring me back into the fold. I discussed the pros and cons of responding with a couple of friends and half said to respond and tell her not to text me anymore, while the other half said not to respond at all and let her figure it out herself. In hindsight, the latter group of friends were correct. I texted back that she was unbelievably cold towards me last night, thinking maybe we could talk like grown ups instead of yelling and throwing around false accusations. No dice. She immediately went on the offensive saying I hung up on her (pot, meet kettle) and that I supposedly told her she didn't deserves answers to the questions she asked me (what actually happened: when she began to try and talk like nothing was wrong, I said she had no right to ignore me for a week and then ask questions about my life. Where she got the 'don't deserve' thing, I'll never know). And thus began the latest chapter of this drama.
I called her and we talked in a civilized manner for awhile. But she continued to say things that were not based in reality and I began to refute them...loudly. I despise yelling of any kind and I hate getting upset. I'm a very typical Taurus and the best example of this is my temper. I can be provoked and pushed around, but it takes A LOT to get me to the point of charging and once I do, I go for the jugular. I will get loud, I will let out everything I've been keeping in and it will not be pretty. And it takes me awhile to come back down from that all out anger. Rarely has this type of anger been a part of my romantic relationships, even the ones that crashed and burned. But today...today is different. Something has been different about my feelings for her for awhile now. It's like seeing the light and coming to realize that she's never wanted what was best for me. At least not if it doesn't fit into her vision of what the best is. As we talked loudly, she continued to deny things and tell me things that she believed had happened and talking over me. I can never get more than a few words out before she starts talking over me. She went on and on about the same shit that had little to do with what we were even talking about and when I responded, she said that my brain must be messed up because I'm not remembering things correctly. It's common knowledge that I had a brain injury that will continue to rear its ugly head for the rest of my life. My friends are extremely sensitive to any jokes or insults about 'messed up' brains or brain damage because of this, but I've always just accepted it as another part of me. I don't typically find such jokes offensive. But her saying that today, in the space that we were in, struck a bit of a nerve. We began talking over each other and she would tell me what had actually happened and get in a dig about how what I was recalling was not true. I began repeating the same things over and over and over again in hopes that the repetition would hammer them home or that she'd maybe stop talking and let me finish. She never did let me finish. Instead, she chose to threaten to hang up and said she wasn't going to keep talking to someone who was, "like fucking autistic". I asked her to repeat herself and she actually had the balls to say it twice. I yelled, "Fuck you" as many times and hung up. Done.
I'm sure she thought I'd call back in a few minutes but fuck no I'm not gonna call you back when you speak to me that disrespectfully. The only reason I even responded to her texts this morning was because they seemed apologetic and as if she wanted to actually work through shit. When I didn't call right back, she texted; "I said you SOUND that way. Not that you are! Because you just keep repeating the same thing without listening to me!". Oh, well then. I didn't respond. Then; "Please call me back. I didn't say that you were! I'm sorry that you heard it that way. I'm sorry. Please call me back". So now, not only do I have a messed up brain and am I autistic, but I also have a hearing problem. She then left a voicemail saying essentially the same thing and asking me to call her back. Next, came this; "I'm sorry. I don't think you understood me. Please call me back. I'm begging you.". Add in a problem with comprehension. And finally she sent an email:
"Please please text me something. I did not say what you think I said and I'm gutted that you were hurt so badly. I was NOT calling you that I was just saying you sounded that way b/c you kept repeating the same thing over me talking but if that hurt you I'm SO SO sorry and I wish I could take that back. I had no idea you would respond that way. PLease please call me or text me. I'm a wreck if I hurt you. Please please tell me something. if this is the end of us I will truly not be able to live... I'm so sorry and I HATE that that hurt you so bad. I'm sorry about the past week. I don't know what else to say but that...please don't let this be the end."
Couple things: There's a lot of "if that hurt you" going on in there, as if she's not sure it did or not. There's also another reference to her not having said what I think she did. It's pretty hard to sell that argument when I asked you to repeat it and you said it again in exactly the same way. And let's not forget the flare for the dramatic about not being able to live if this is the end and begging me to not make this the end. This is not all my doing and she knows as much, but will likely never admit it. This situation reminds me of one we went through awhile back when engaged in another battle. I was so frustrated that she wouldn't let me speak and jumped on me for every little thing. In my frustration and anger, I said, "Are you fucking deaf?". I'm not proud of it and I owned up to it right away but she understandably went ballistic. She hung up, said, "this is over, completely over" and refused to accept my apology. If she'd never taken another call or text from me, I would have understood because it was the wrong thing to say, no matter how upset I was. For an hour or so, I though that would be the case and that she was done. But she wasn't. Once she cooled off, she called me back and I apologized. She was hurt by what I'd said, swore up and down it was the last thing I'd ever say to her, and the fate of us was completely in her hands. She chose to let me back in. This is the exact same situation but with a very different outcome. I was hurt by what she said, have gone silent as a result and the fate of us is in my hands. Or, rather, the decision as to what happens next is up to me. Knowing her, she's thinking I just need to cool off for a few hours and will expect to hear from me before the end of the day. What will actually happen? I couldn't tell you. Usually, no matter how upset I get with her or the situation, I feel some sense of guilt when I hang up on her. Usually, she will text within a few minutes and I will cool off in about ten minutes and then call back. Usually, I put my hurt feelings on the back burner for the sake of moving past it and getting back to the good place. But right now, an hour or so after the hang up, I feel numb. I feel as though there is no good place here and there hasn't been for awhile. I feel like she needs this more than I do. I feel as though she's become addicted to the type of relationship she has with her mother, one where there is talking down to and fights and then empty apologies the next day. And I refuse to be in something where we're addicted to the drama. People who love each other don't say the things she and I have grown used to saying to one another. And the things she has said to me are things I have always found incredibly disrespectful and said I wouldn't stand for. But I did. I stuck it out. And I'm sure at some point I'll get a text that says, 'look at these things you said to me and I still talked to you'. Because she doesn't understand that, although we're alike in some ways, our tolerances for what we will and won't take are very different. Just because you are able to get past something and forgive doesn't mean I should automatically have to do the same thing. Her choosing to come back after what I said was completely her decision. My choice not to go back after what she said today is completely mine.
