Let's Get Married...Wait...What?

Last night I got the chance to catch up with someone I hadn't spoken to in at least a few years. We became friends over a decade ago and have been in and out of touch since then. She's one of those people I may not speak to on a regular basis, but I know would be there if I needed something or if anything serious happened. And it's E's cancer battle that got us back into contact this time. We all used to hang out together way back when and she was there during the first go round. When she heard it was back, she reached out to see how everyone was doing. It was about ten years ago that she and I had a very late night conversation about marriage and kids. It was prompted by the engagement of my cousin to a mutual friend. At the time I had not yet been engaged but had lost the first love of my life so I was already a skeptic on both topics. She was in the same boat, although for different reasons. She didn't want to get married and was 90% sure she would never have kids. She loves kids but it seemed a large amount of responsibility to your life and does restrict your freedom somewhat. I remembered thinking at the time that her stance on kids would soften because we were only in our early 20's at the time and no one really wants to be a parent that young. But she was immovable on marriage. That is, until she met a man who wanted to marry her. They met completely by chance and were engaged within six months, marrying a month later. I was a guest at the wedding and it was fantastic. A few months ago they announced that they're expecting a baby, which I was not at all surprised to hear.
I was struck by just how happy she seems these days so I took the opportunity to ask her how that whole marriage thing seems to be working out for her. She said it was less effort than she thought it would be, so much so that she's not even sure they're "doing marriage right". She continued on to say that she thinks the whole thing has been so easy because they were on the same page before they walked down the aisle. They were already committed to a lifelong partnership, so marriage was just the next natural step. She says that although it has brought them closer, she would've been fine had they never married. He was the one who wanted to do it and she figured why the hell not. It's only about five years in but they seem ridiculously happy, and it's nice to see. When I think of the 'M' word, my brain automatically goes to the cliches of less (or no) sex and no time for anything but the kiddies. But I've witnessed marriages that are the complete opposite of that, and that's what I'd want if I decided to go that route. And I realized last night that part of that whole fear comes from the fact that relationships are really not my thing. I have been good at them on occasion. I've even been great at them once or twice (okay, probably just the one time). But overall my record is not stellar. A combination of things play into this; I get bored easily, I choose to go it alone when I should be part of a team, I can be a bit passive aggressive and/or aloof when I'm unhappy or upset, and then there's our good old friend self-sabotage. None of that has any place in a marriage. And it's those things that make me run for the hills instead of even considering it.
My engagement is something I think less and less about as more time passes. It was fucked up for so many reasons and the only thing that pisses me off about it is that I wasted a damn good proposal on someone who wasn't even worth a half-assed one. I don't care about the way it ended or the friendship we had before. That seems like a million years ago. And I don't believe that experience is what wrecked me over the marriage issue because I came very close to taking the plunge with another girlfriend. But when it came time to actually go through with it, we both chickened out. And broke up shortly thereafter (for other reasons). I think that situation has more to do with me not wanting to get hitched than my actual engagement did. I was all gung-ho for the ceremony and celebration but when she actually called my bluff, I realized that I wasn't ready. Could my continued aversion to marriage just be a case of still not being ready? Possibly. It's something I hadn't even considered until today. We shall see.