End Times

How did I begin the last day of 2013, you ask? By talking about manscaping and Bigfoot, that's how.

Me: Tis the last day of the year
Friend: WE SURVIVED!!!!! 
Me: *emerges from fallout shelter looking like bigfoot*
Me: lol With our luck you just jinxed it and we don't survive the day. Thanks a lot.
Friend: lol You couldn't go with Tom Hanks in "Castaway"? You had to go with Bigfoot?
Me: Lol Hey, when there's no access to manscaping, Bigfoot is probably more appropriate
Friend: lol How you must have suffered
Me: Indeed I did. But did I give up whilst in that shelter? Oh no, not I. I did survive. Because I remembered how to love and knew I'd stay alive. And now, I have all my life to live (knock on wood after your comments), I've got all my love to give. I did survive. I did survive. Plus I saved a bunch of money on car insurance by not being able to drive for 12 months.
Friend: LOL I thought you were gonna say, I switched money by switching to Geico 
Me: LOL Uh...read that text again
Me: I didn't know Geico could do that for me
Me: *shuffles to the Geico to switch he monies*

And last, but not least, a friend sent me this and said it perfectly describes what my New Year's resolution should be. And if I made New Year's resolutions, I'd be in total agreement.

Here's to even poorer life changes in 2014!!

Bros Before Hos

I woke up this morning to this text:

Friend: Just thought I'd share that my boyfriend tried to give me shit because of you. And I didn't care. That is all.

This morning I inquired as to what happened with the boyfriend and was confused by the reply. According to her boyfriend, no dude communicates on a daily basis with a chick he's not interested in, therefore I must be harboring some secret feelings for her that I have yet to confess. Well gee, by that reasoning I must also have feelings for every female friend in my life. Who knew I had so many unresolved feelings? Oh wait, I knew that. Seriously? Are we like back in the stone age where women can only have contact with their significant other and no other men? Because that's effin ridiculous. It's about to be 2014 and, last I checked, platonic relationships between women and men are pretty commonplace. My best friend is a chick. A few other of my closest friends are chicks. I love them as people, I love them as friends, I consider them to be family. I talk to them frequently, I bounce ideas off of them and we talk about all kinds of different stuff. Do I have secret feelings for any of them? Nope. They're no different from the dudes I'm friends with, except they have much more common sense and a better approach to problems. We all click with who we click with, regardless of gender. At least, that's how it should be. Some people ARE capable of friendship without sexual benefits or secret feelings. And just because YOU wouldn't do something a certain way, doesn't mean someone else wouldn't. We're like people that way. We all have our own thoughts and stuff, ya'll.
This is not the first time I've come across this issue. The BF and I were roommates for years and a handful of our significant (or, as it were, insignificant) others voiced their issues with our arrangement. Neither of us ever got why they had a problem with it. It's one thing if we were living together, occasionally hooking up or something like that, but we weren't. If my roommate had been a dude, there wouldn't have been an issue. But because it was a chick, ish got all territorial and I didn't like that. Many relationships, for both of us, came to end because the people we were dating couldn't handle our friendship. It got to the point where I began saying up front that my best friend was a chick whenever I started dating someone new. I couldn't believe how big of a problem it was. Some of them were upfront about it, some of them kept their feelings about it on the low and they'd only surface every so often, like when in the midst of a fight. My old friend Agent W's last boy toy (I think it was the last one, I can't keep up) didn't understand why she needed anyone in her life but him. No friends, no family, no nothing. But they had a tiff specifically about our friendship. A similar tiff to the one she had yesterday with her current boy toy (his logic was covered at the beginning of this blog). And I still don't get the big deal.

Hilarious People

One of my friends received the gift of laser hair removal for the holidays. She, her sisters and their mother all redeemed the gift the day after Christmas.

Her: One of my sisters got her legs and hey nanny nanny done
Me: LOL. GO TEAM HEY NANNY NANNY!! *waves giant foam finger*
Her: lol I'll tell you where to stick that finger
Me: lol Don't take your laser rage out on me. I'm not the one who forced you there.
Me: Na na na na, na na na na, hey nanny nanny hair, goodbye
Her: LOL It's sad how much I love your ridiculous ass

[Two days later]

Her: I had a dream about my dad...where I handed him a baby.
Me: A baby...turtle?
Her: No. A baby girl
Me: lol Are you sure it was a baby and not just one of your freshly lasered sisters?
Her: lol Yes damn you, I'm sure

==========

This same friend had a little incy-dent on the Facebook last week. And of course I took advantage of the situation.

Her FB Status: The lady month of my twenties starts tomorrow and oh my damn is this accurate! [link to a story about life in your early twenties vs. your late twenties]
Her comment: LOL Ummm "lady month" should say "last month"... 
Me: LMAO I was like, "You only got one the entire decade?". I guess all those hormonalpalooza fights meant nothing...
Her reply: LOL Bite me

==========

Just before Christmas, G and I attended a hockey game. He had a bit too much of the holiday spirit and...well...

Me: LOL We're at the hockey game and they played, "I Love Rock & Roll" during a break. G is so durnk, he sang the song at the top of his lungs and when the music cut out, he was still singing
Friend: LOL Yeeeees!!!
Me: He says to me, he says, "You think anyone heard me dude?". Everyone staring at his drunk ass.
Friend: Please film that.

===========

My gay cousin continues to play the field (kinda). It seems to be musical boy toy between his boyfriend and the dude he made out with at Thanksgiving. Today, the pendulum swung yet again...

BF: So apparently your cousin is bringing [boy toy] to Vegas.
Me: I thought he was bringing his boyfriend?
Other cousin: No, now he's decided to bring the hook up.
Friend: Good god. Pick a gay, man.
Cousin 2: Why pick one when there are so many to choose from? lol
BF: lol Gotta catch 'em all, gotta catch 'em all
Me: It's the most wonderful tiiiiiime to be queer.
BF: LOL You win.

Dumb People

This has been quite the month for whiners, hasn't it? But tis the season I guess. First, people lost they damn minds over the whole "Duck Dynasty" debacle, then the Target thing and, finally, the UPS/FedEx holiday delivery fiasco. Everybody has a beef with something. Obviously, I completely understand the outrage at the Target issue, especially since several people I know have been affected by it. People losing their minds over that one is all kindsa justified. But the other two...not so much, in my opinion.
I admit I used to be a semi-regular watcher of "Duck Dynasty". This was back around the time it began and wasn't really a household name type of show. Even though I watched it every week, I still didn't quite know what to make of it. A couple of the family members are hysterical (Jase and Uncle Si), but the rest are all kinda 'meh'. The family patriarch always rubbed me the wrong way though. He seemed to be 'meh' about the whole family business, TV show and brand and he didn't add much to the show. His scenes were all filler. I stopped watching the show around the time it went mainstream, mostly because I rarely got around to watching it on my DVR and it was taking up too much space. Of course, now DD merchandise is literally everywhere and the family is plastered all over magazines and promotions. I read the article about this dude's comments to a magazine and I knew it would become a big deal. But I didn't understand why it became such a big deal. He was asked for his views and he relayed them. End of story. It has since come to light that he bashed gays during some sort of service awhile back, and I get the backlash about that, but no one would have cared enough to dig for that footage if not for the interview he gave. And the only reason someone went digging was because the views he expressed were not those of the mainstream. It's ridiculous that now people are crucified for expressing a point of view. Is the dude anti-gay? Probably. But it's not like anyone who has watched a single episode of that show hasn't assumed that to be the case. I mean, the dude brags about having cheated on his wife numerous times over the years and spews Bible jargon in a lot of his scenes. Obviously, a lot of people don't think it was a major deal since A&E reversed its decision to pull him off the show. Much ado about nothing, as usual.
So UPS and FedEx (who seems to be taking less heat over this) had theyselves a little snafu over the holidays. Both fell way behind on delivering packages, causing a bunch of people to bitch about their "ruined" Christmases. Couple things; first, if you wait until the week before or the weekend before Christmas to order things that need to be shipped, then you're an idiot and a poor planner and you deserve what you got. Second, how is your Christmas ruined just because you didn't get any of your gifts on time? Christmas isn't about stuff, although most of us seem to have forgotten that. Did you spend time with your family/friends? Did you eat good food? Are you still alive? Then quit your bitching, your Christmas was just fine. UPS posted a 'Merry Christmas' wish to their Facebook page and the comments were 99.9% negative. One comment was from a UPS driver who said he'd been working 60 hour weeks since the month began, rarely saw his family, had no time to Christmas shopping of his own, and usually didn't get a chance to even eat untl the evening hours thanks to his schedule. The response? People attacked him and called all UPS drivers idiots. Really? Someone who is an employee of the company, and has zero pull over what the policies are is who you think is responsible for your supposedly "ruined" Christmas? Are people also screaming at the cashiers at Target because their information was breached? Of course not. As with Target, this is a corporate issue. Someone at that level should have done the math and realized they bit off more than they could chew and they should've either stopped taking on packages that needed to arrive by Christmas, or put a big red banner at all shipping centers and online warning people that things would likely not arrive by Christmas, regardless of what service was used. Yes, they screwed up. No, no one's holiday was "ruined" by it. Everything you ordered will have just as much use next week as it would've on Christmas day. And if your family or friends thought you looked stupid because your gifts weren't there yet, then ya'll both need a reminder that it's just STUFF.

We've Been Good, But We Can't Last

My mom put a present under the tree that said "From: Mom Fragile". Then this happened:

Me: I don't know who that is, Mom Fragile.
Mom: That's my rapper name. MF for short.
Me: Um...
[Mom thinks about it for a second]
Mom: That did not go as planned.

======

Whilst playing 'Scrabble' with my cousin's new girlfriend (who is awesome and hilarious):

[She puts down the word, "Legato"]
Me: What the hell does that mean?
Her: It's...a cat made out of Legos 
Me: You don't know what it means, you looked it up. Cheater.
Her: Fine then let's only use words we know, no dictionary.

[Twenty minutes later]

[I put down the word "Axiom"]
Her: Whoa whoa whoa. What does that mean, Merriam-Webster?
Me: It means something that's true. Maybe if you didn't spend all your time building Lego cats, you'd know that.
Her: Burn.

======

My 14-year-old niece on Christmas Eve morning, trying to convince her parents to let her open a gift before the evening hours.

"But see, I feel like I'm getting a cold and I might be stuck in bed by the time everyone gets here to open presents."

Two points for creativity (but the answer was still 'no').

======

I don't know how I did this, nor could I ever do it again, but while leaning against the oven and checking an email, my sister told me to move so she could get something out of the oven. I stepped forward to move out of the way and the oven door flung open and hit my sister in the head. Apparently my belt loop got caught on the corner of the oven door handle so when I moved, the door moved too. Couldn't do it again in a million years.

======

A few years back, my Uncle D was not interested in any of the football games on during Thanksgiving, so he decided to put up the outdoor Christmas decorations instead. Long-ish story short, he fell off the roof and broke his leg. My aunt had to take him to the hospital and thus we did not eat until very late in the evening. They still bicker about the whole thing. This was one of those arguments (he barked almost everything in Spanish, she barked back in English):

Him: You always want to do all of this stuff for the holidays and it never turns out well.
Her: And why is that? Why doesn't it turn out well?
Him: You don't plan well.
Her: *I* don't plan well?? I plan just fine. The problem is you're a jackass and you ruin holidays.
Him: I gave you four kids!
Her: Yep. And they know you ruin the holidays too. Like Thanksgiving.
Him: Ay...
Her: You STILL don't think you did anything wrong that day.
Him: I put up decorations on YOUR house for your damn holiday, what was wrong with that?
Her: Your fall off the roof. Thanksgiving dinner at 8 o'clock. THAT is what was wrong with that.
Him: I guess a broken leg wasn't enough for you.
Her: No, it wasn't. You should've finished the job so we could've eaten on time. It's not like I would've needed to take you to the coroner.
[He shakes his head]
Her: More coffee?
Him: Si, mi amor

The moral of the story? Don't give a woman ammunition like that, ya'll.

======

We had a spirited discussion about The Brady Bunch and whether it not thy were truly a functional family (or if such a thing exists). Some highlights:

Cousin: The Brady's had a doctor...
His mom: You could be a lawyer if you'd take the bar.
*cousin picks up his marbles and goes home*

Crazy Aunt: The Brady's didn't have such smartass kids

Other aunt: I wish I had a son smart enough to be a doctor
Her son: You know, it's always such a wonderful boost to the self-esteem to come home for the holidays

======

The bestie is dating an old flame again. He's head over heels for her, and she loves him, but their views on the future differ.

BF: And of course he still wants to get married and I don't.
Me: I feel your pain. All my womensz want to marry me too. It's annoying.
BF: That's because you're a catch
Me: Meh
BF: Seriously though, promise me you'll set him straight if he ever comes to you about proposing to me
Me: You and W got every dude proposing and ish after a few weeks or months. I don't get it
BF: Uh, it's because we're awesome
Me: Well, I don't think either of y'all are all that special
BF: LOL Merry Christmas to us
Me: lol I mean, I adore you both. But it's like these dudes see the edited versions of y'all and wanna wife you. Then someone sends then the version with the parental advisory sticker and they get ghost.
BF: lol And I'm sure you're the one who sends that version 
Me: They see all your crazy and they leave. That's what I meant
BF: I see someone got a new shovel for Christmas.
Me: lol Santa brings one every year
BF: I hate you, fucker
Me: LOL But why?
BF: I tell you that you're a good catch and you tell me you don't know why anyone wants me lol
Me: I did not! I said I don't get why everyone wants to MARRY you right away
BF: Still not a compliment but I don't get it either lol

I Need You So That I Could Die, I Love You So And That Is Why Whenever I Want You All I Have To Do Is Dream

I heard this song on "The Good Wife" a few weeks ago and instantly Shazamed to find out who sang it. I didn't get around to downloading it until this week though. And it's been on repeat ever since. Tis safe to say I'm in love with this cover right now. It reminds me of a certain someone.

Like A Lottery, Entered For The Very First Time

Whilst wandering through the pages of one of the blogs I regularly read, I saw a post about an award that is given out annually to the "writer" (I use that term very loosely and you'll soon see why) of the worst sex scene in a book. The material of the winner and runners up was posted and some of it was gross, some of it was confusing, but sure enough all of it was terrible. This prompted folks to post the worst writing of a sex scene that they'd ever read, which brought more disgustingness and confusion. But towards the end of the line, my life changed. Why, you ask? How can terrible sex writing change the life of a manwhore, you ask? Read on (my notes are in bold)...

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"Her long hair, still wet from the shower, had been combed down her back in a wet swath. Hilda was sitting on the floor, her round, wet boobs still wet from the shower’s water. She dried off the water with a towel, which then became wet. (So, to clarify, the takeaway here is apparently that water is wet and anything that comes into contact with it will get...wait for it...wet.)

Hilda gasped when she saw a reflection in her bedroom mirror: through the slightly open door, she caught a glimpse of the chiseled abs and square jaw of the mysterious stranger who shared her cabin. She stood and spun around, her breasts swinging heavily with the momentum. She grabbed the door and flung it open, revealing shirtless Torolf (which was seriously his name) quivering with desire in the hallway. (I've never had breasts but "swinging heavily with the momentum" sounds painful.)

Torolf was ashamed at being caught, but his shame made him even hotter - hotter for sex. He stepped into the room, and his bulging abs accidentally smushed into Hilda’s rich chest. (1. "smushed is NOT a sexy word EVER. 2. "His shame made him hotter - hotter for sex", well thank you Captain Obvious. For a minute there, I thought he was hot for something else.)

As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm. (LOL WHAT?!)

"Hilda," Torolf murmured thickly, his throbbing meat wand pressing against Hilda’s warm thighs. "There is a secret I need to not tell you: You are my forbidden desire." ("Meat"...also not a sexy word EVER.)

Hilda had been waiting to hear these words. Her heart was lifted on golden wings and soared toward a radiant sun of perfect joy. She saw herself and Torolf happy together, bathed in the golden light of love. Her snooch got all warm, too. (Aaaaaand yet another unsexy word, "snooch".)

"Torolf," Hilda moaned, her lush teats straining with desire. "I need you." Torolf, coarse abs pulsing softly in the moonlight, stood silently. 

Hilda looked at him expectantly. 

"Oh, sorry," she added. "Torolf, I need you - sexually."  (How dumb is this dude that a naked chick is standing in front of him saying "I need you" and he doesn't get what that means until she says, "Oh wait...did I say sexually? Cuz I meant sexually".)

At hearing those beautiful words, Torolf flexed his rough-hewn abs and Hilda found herself being guided to her soft bed by the sheer force of Torolf’s undulating midsection. She parted her thighs in anticipation, exposing the soft pink petals of her clunge. (MORE unsexy words and WTF is up with this chick's obsession with his abs? Does he have any other anatomy? One that may be on the brink of aneurysm, perhaps?)

Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment. (Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. BEST. LINE. EVERRRRR. In the history of literature, in the universe, EVER!! I could barely get past that line when I read it the first time.)

Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and her hands. Her spongy love mountains hurled to and fro with each pounding. Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it. (Even MORE unsexy imagery, but also some hilariousness. There's the need to point out that she didn't just clutch the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy, she also used her hands. Also, "Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.". That sentence totally sounds like he started to write this epic thing and his train o' thought wrecked halfway through so he said, "fuck it" and ended with "and somebody was pushing their dick inside it".)

Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s. He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent sperms as Hilda spasmed with so many orgasms! (...I think Torolf should probably see a doctor soon because his Johnson seems to have a number of neurological problems. It's also funny how the author says she had "so many orgasms".)

The two lay still for a moment as the stinky scent of lovemaking billowed around the room. (Ew.)

Hilda got out of bed, still shimmering with orgasm. She glowed with contentment, like a cat who ate the cream of the crop. 

She walked across the room and picked up her towel, still wet with shower water. “Torolf,” she said softly, “there’s something I have to tell you…”

But her bed was empty. 

Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs." (WTF are "galloping abs"? And why is dude climbing out a window rather than hanging around for awhile? Was the sex that bad?)

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Sweet Jesus, this story made my day yesterday. And here I thought "50 Shades Of Grey" was bullshit. This one is even worse (though "50" is still awful). This story is also the gift that keeps on giving because everyone I've forwarded it to has come back with fantastic commentary, such as:

Me: This story has this gem of a line, "he entered her like a lottery"
W: *cackle*
W: That sounds like something Kanye West would sing about
Me: LOL Oh man I lost it after that line
Me: "I wanna enter you like a lottery on the sink. Film that shit and send your pimp mama the link"
W: LOL

======

R: Da fuck did you just send me? "Dick Parkinsons"?? LOL
E: LOL Wow. That is awesomely bad and makes me want to never have an orgasm again.
Y: LMAO! This is amazing. This is making my life.
A: He entered her like she was a lottery LMAO. WTF does that mean?? He walked into a 7-11 and purchased her??
Me: LMAO!
G: LMAO That'd make her a hooker. I'd like a pack of smokes, a Big Gulp and to enter that woman like a lottery, please.

======

W: Like a lottery, entered for the very first tiiiime!
Me: *frolics on a boat bound to Spongy Love Mountain* WHOAAAOOAAAOAAA AHH
W: I was like WTF is spongy love mountain
W: It sounds like a part of the cow that is eaten only on holidays
Me: *throws his bagel away*
W: LOL I'm sorry, did I gross you out?

Me: lol I literally took a bite and then your text popped up and I was like...nm, I'm not hungry anymore

Oh man. Merry Christmas to me.

Positively Entertaining

G: I don't find Tom Cruise sexy at all, do you? How it do Giuseppe?
Me: ...
Me: Who is this?
G: LMAO. Dammit.
Me: Um...seriously, who is this? lol
G: Your damn cousin has been leaving random ass text on my phone. If I don't remember that, I just type whatever I want and hit send and then both messages go out. I don't know why I married her.
Me: lol That is genius. I'ma do that to [Y]
Me: Are you sure it's her? That sounds like something any of us would do when you're not paying attention.
G: lol Yeah. I'm HIV postive
Me: LMAO WHAT??
G: Son of a bitch!! I'm POSTIVE. NOT with HIV!! I don't know where that came from lol
Me: Well...
G: lol Shut up
Me: This has been a revealing conversation
G: LOL SHUT. UP.
Me: I like how you were quick and to the point about it though. The direct approach is best when delivering news like that
G: Fuck you lol
Me: lol Uh, you might wanna choose your words more carefully, G.
G: LOL. I fail at life.

Santa Baby Two Ways

Me: Oh, I love you
Friend: I hope you're nekked as you tell me that
Me: Well tis the season
Friend: Santa baby, a nekked [Giuseppe] under my tree, for me
Me: LOL
------
Me: Marking the first time in history Streisand has ever helped a dude get some nookie
Me: COME ON
Me: Some nookie
Me: COME ON
Friend: So you could take the cookie and stick it up yo
Me: What is...Ass?
Me: WTF does that even mean?
Friend: He must have really liked cookies...a lot
Me: Then why would he stick it up his [parental advisory]
Friend: Because...he was into cookies in that way
Friend: He's nomnomsexual
Me: LOL
Me: All those times I ran for the Oreos I thought I was just depressed. Turns out I was actually experimenting with my nomnomsexuality
Friend: lol That's our sexual oreo-tation
Me: I'm putting nomnomsexual on my census form
Friend: I'm pushing proposition 711 for nomnomsexual rights
Me: Santa baby, some nomnomsexuality, for me
Friend: LOL
Friend: Very nice

How Did You Know It's What I've Always Wanted

I got Kelly Clarkson's Christmas album this week and I have to say I'm is impressed. I'm notoriously hard to please when it comes to Christmas music and it drives everyone I know crazy. You know how some people put on a holiday themed station and just let it play and enjoy whatever music comes on? Yeah, I'm not one of those. I only like certain versions of certain songs and I rarely add anything new to my Christmas playlist. And a pathetic playlist it is, with only about 55 songs on it. Still, they're 55 songs I can listen to on repeat everyday from December 1st to January 2nd and not get tired of a single one. Because of my holiday music pickiness, I hesitated in getting Kelly's album. I love her, love just about every album she's ever done, but didn't want to have to say, "Well, she didn't do a good job with that holiday thing". I shouldn't have worried though. Like, at all. The album is (almost) flawless, like every other one she's done. The only song I don't care for is the cover of "Baby, It's Cold Outside", but only because I think she oversings it a bit. The version of that song I prefer is actually the cover that "Glee" did a few years back. But I am a big fan of another cover on the album, "Just for Now", definitely the standout on the album. I love the mood of it and it's genius how she incorporated another holiday song into the music. At this point, her next album could be a cover of German death metal and I'd still love it.

Pin The Sexual Harassment Suit

[While watching "Pleasantville"]

Character in movie: "I know which one this is! You wanna ask her out and then you wanna give her your class pin!"
BF: One date and she gets his class pin.
Me: Oh, I think you've been pinned after one date before.
BF: But not in black and white.
Me: More like by both blacks and whites
[BF shoots me a look of death]
Me: Stop me when I lie!
BF: Well...you're half right.

======

Me: Do you know anyone who would be interested in being my assistant?
Friend: I might
Friend: Are sexual favors involved? Is it that kind of "position"?
Me: lol Uh no. No sexual favors required.
Friend: Oh, then no, I don't know anybody lol
Me: LOL

Who We Are Is Who We Are, When The Act Of Love Can Get Us So Far

I've been thinking a lot the past few days about...a lot of stuff. I had a conversation with an ex, commonly referred to by a friend as "tiny Jesus girl". This nickname came about eons ago when we were dating. She was a good, religious girl and I was hell on wheels. We only dated a few months. The joke is that the tiny Jesus on her shoulder was telling her to get out as fast as she could. And I can't deny that was probably true. Her mom hated me, her dad, sister and brother thought I was a nice guy. But of course they only saw the sanitized version. To this day, they don't know about the details of our relationship and my issues at the time. Inevitably, we crashed and burned and the end was much worse for her than it was for me. I saw her as just another conquest. She was gorgeous and she was a "good girl", that's all I needed to know. She saw me as relationship material and, for the life of me, I don't know why. I grew bored and, without telling her, started to pull away. Realizing this, she began to try and conform to what she thought I wanted her to be. The more I pulled away, the more she tried to change. But all of her changes were lost on me. I knew what we had was temporary and I had no intention of continuing it. Once we officially ended, we basically cut each other completely out of our lives. Last year she turned 30 and decided to do 30 things she'd always wanted to. One of those things was to mend fences with me. I was surprised when I got her call since I never expected to hear from her again, but I was thankful for the opportunity to genuinely apologize. Even as I was being a bastard to her, I knew it was wrong but I was so fucked up that I didn't even consider apologizing. I felt SO much better once I did though. That entire relationship, or more the way I treated her during it, was always one of my only regrets. I asked her why she kept trying to change for me and kept clinging to me and her answer was simple - because she knew that somewhere in there was a good guy that she could really have fallen for.

I have been many things in my relationships, but capable of changing who I am in order for them to continue is not one of them. I'm a firm believer that you cannot go into a relationship hoping to change someone, or even something about their personality. Do I adapt to the demands of the relationship? Of course. But I've never attempted to change myself for someone. At least, not with the intent of actually changing. The one time I did some semblance of this was when I dated someone who we'll refer to as T. As per usual with me, it was infatuation that led me into the relationship and my bad habits that led to the end of the relationship. She had no idea what I was into when it all began and once she found out, she basically shot me an ultimatum that I could cut it our or she would cut me loose. I did try to stop all the bad stuff for awhile. But then I decided it was easier to just omit what I was doing when she asked me about it. It worked temporarily. And we were doing quite well at the time. Then, it all fell apart when I came clean about what was actually happening. And that was it, we ended shortly thereafter (but lingered for a few years). There's been no other time when I've attempted to change who I am for somebody else. As of right now, I like me. And that's a lot for me to admit. I loathed who I was for a very long time but now me and...uh, me have found a pretty good place to settle in. I'm ever improving, as I would hope we all are, but this particular model o' me isn't half bad. I'm a good father, I'm a good son and sibling and, someday, I hope to be a semi-decent partner in a relationship. Ah yes, there's one thing I'd like to resolve to be next year - good at relationships. Unfortunately, I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. But I do believe that taking a glimpse into the past can help you in the future so let's do that, shall we?

Relationships...are really not my thing. But I have been good at them on occasion. I've even been great at them once or twice (okay, probably just the one time). But overall my record is not stellar. A combination of things play into this; I get bored easily, I choose to go it alone when I should be part of a team, I can be a bit passive aggressive and/or aloof when I'm unhappy, and then there's our good old friend self-sabotage. I'm also stubborn as hell sometimes. But lately I am learning which of these things are changeable and which are not. I can change whether or not I go it alone. I can flip the switch on the passive aggressiveness. I can even be less stubborn, although that one takes the most work on my part. I could probably even keep the self-sabotage at bay if I really attempted it (I'm also a firm believer that anyone can do anything if they put their heart into it). I'm curious as to how much of my losing relationship record is part of a mental block and how much of it is really me being terrible at relationships. You would think someone as...experienced as me would have learned a damn thing over the past 18 years (yes, I've been in and out of relationships for almost two decades now). And I guess I have. I don't consider all relationships that end to be a failure. My determination of whether or not a relationship is successful is if you learned something from it. If you did, whether that something be about yourself or about relationships in general, then it was a success. After all, not everything is meant to last forever. Some people are meant to come into your life, school ya and then make their exit. I'm nothing if not a student in this life, so no matter how fucked up a period I've been in, I've always been opening to learning. As you can imagine, my penchant for dating older women has led to all kinds of learning experiences about myself and about love. But I think a lot of those lessons have been stuck to the outside of my brain and are just now being absorbed. I'm just now getting why some women said certain things about me. About how I could be, about how I am. It amazes me how some people can see right through your BS and know what kind of person you really are. Ironically, at the height of my bastard days was when I got the greatest amount of compliments from my girlfriends. And back then I would grumble about it because I didn't believe I was, nor would I ever be capable of being, a good dude. But I'm getting there. In some ways, I'm still who I was back then and that will always be a part of me. But I'm changing. For the better, I hope. I'm learning not to go it alone and that you should soak up all the love you can get (actually love, not one night stands...okay, those too). Because you're lucky if you find people who aren't required to love you but still do, no matter how bad you can get sometimes. People who love you for who you really are; not what you could be, not what you might one day be, but who you are in the moment. And I'm thankful for all those who have helped me get to who I am right now. Whether they're in my life at the moment or not.

He DOES Exist

I saw this yesterday on CNN but only caught a glimpse of the commercial. Seeing the whole thing and what they went through to pull it all off is awesome. MAJOR score for the kid who wanted a tablet (and his parents, really) and the peeps who wanted a big ass screen TV. Major bummer for the guy who didn't take it seriously and asked for socks and underwear (although in this economy, it's good to be practical in your wish list my man). See, every now and then Canada DOES do something right.

Charmed

BF: I need you to turn on the charm for this client
Me: Girl or guy?
BF: The female of the species
Me: Hey girl, let's go have some sex
BF: LOL. Um, while I have no doubt that would work, let's try something more conventional
Me: Hey girl, let's go have some sex in a conventional position
BF: LMAO. You win.
BF: What would you have said if it was a dude?
Me: Probably the same thing lol. It's for money, after all.
BF: lol True dat

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[While watching the movie "Blast From The Past", about a guy who grows up in a bomb shelter because his parents believed nuclear war had begun.]

Friend: I guess that's what you have to do to raise a decent man. Keep him in a bomb shelter for 35 years. Then he gets manners and respect for women.
BF: Hey! These two [alluding to the cousin and I] didn't grow up in a bomb shelter and they have manners and respect for women.
Cousin: The ghetto, yes. A bomb shelter, no.
Me: With questionable role models, definitely. A bomb shelter, no.

Quotables

A few of E's favorite funny/thought-provoking phrases to give him a chuckle through a tough time.

I Sing, You Sing, We All Sing Cuz We're Procrastinators And That's What We Do

This week's song is a product of yesterday's conversation, which consisted entirely of song lyrics. No, seriously, all we said to each other all day were random lines from songs. And I enjoyed every minute of it.

Me: WHO LET THE DOGS OUUUUT
Friend: WHO
Friend: WHO
Friend: WHO
Me: I hate that song. But it was in my head this morning. So I thought I'd share
Friend: Thank you for sharing
Friend: Heeeeey macarena!!!
Friend: AAAAAAYYYY!!!
Me: We should just randomly burst into song today
Me: A 24 hour strain of Tourette's
Friend: In my life, there's been heart ache and pain
Me: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WE'RE HALFWAY THERE WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LIVIN ON A PRAYERRRRRRRRRRRR
Friend: I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!
Me: REGULATORSSSSSS
Friend: WARRIORS COME OUT AND PLAAAAAY
Me: Spider pig, spider pig, does whatever a spider pig does
Friend: DON'T PUSH ME CUZ I AM CLOSE TO THE EDGE, I'M TRYIN NOT TO LOSE MY HEAD *fat penguin dance*
Me: WALK THIS WAAAAAAYYYY AND TALK THIS WAAAAAAAYYYY *drug addled rock star shimmy*
Friend: WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN *walks like an Egyptian*
Me: I CAME IN LIKE A WREEEEECKING BALLLLLL *comes flying by buck ass nekkid on a wreeeeeeecking balllll*
Friend: LOL Thanks fucker
Friend: People are staring cuz I cracked up in the store all by myself
Me: LOL
Me: you're the one who started incorporating dance and imagery into the game. You pays yo moneyz, you takes yo chances
Friend: lol
Friend: Here's a story of a lovely lady, who was bringing up three very lovely girls
Me: Thank you for being a friend, traveled down the road and back again
Friend: Moving on up (moving on up) to the east side (moving on up) to that deeeelux apartment in the skyyyy
Me: Juuuuuuust sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip. That started from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sailing man, the skipper brave and sure. Five passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour. A three hour tour. *skies darken and thunder claps* The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost. The Minnow would be lost. The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle. With GILLIGAAAAN, the skipper toooooo, the millionaiiiire and his wiiiiife. The mooovie stahhh. The professor and Mary annnn, here on Gilligan's isleeeeee
Friend: I'm going to call you something you probably never thought I would
Friend: You fuckin' over achiever

Bound Tres

Me: Dude, have you seen that dumbass video of his with that chick he will someday pay child support to? And the song...Yeezus, it's terrible
Friend: Uh uh honey
Me: LOL I. Love. You.
Friend: :-D
Me: I totally set myself up for that one
Friend: You so did
Me: I wish I were so blessed with the talent to think of getting my lady friend a drink after doing dirty things to her on a sink
Friend: 'Ye keeps it classy mang, he could've just rapped about pulling her hair and holding her head under the sink faucet
Me: Uh huh honey

You Are Pulled From The Wreckage Of Your Silent Reverie

As everyone is aware by now, actor Paul Walker passed away on Saturday after the car he was riding in crashed into a pole and subsequently caught fire. I don't know why but I found it difficult to sleep the night after I heard about what happened. I wasn't exactly a fan of his, I've seen only a couple of his movies and none of "The Fast & The Furious" films, but I do remember seeing him in bit parts in a lot of 90's teen movies. I can't comment on what kind of actor he was, but I have mad respect for anybody who is actually out in the trenches helping people after disasters. It's one thing to set up an organization and donate money, it's something completely different to be out actually fundraising and/or at the site of a disaster helping out. Being in the trenches during something like that changes you (this is coming from experience, I was in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina). It makes you more aware, more sympathetic. Something within you just clicks and you're able to see the faces of everyone you love in those people who have been displaced or injured, or both. I admire Paul Walker for actually getting out there and doing that. It seems as though he was a genuinely nice, charitable guy who could take or leave the whole acting thing. Everything he did, he did because he loved it. If there is a "right" or "wrong" way to live your life, he definitely seemed to find the right way. And I think that's why his death has hit so many people so hard. Because he was a great guy who made a living doing something he loved and gave back in his spare time. Unfortunately, another thing he loved was fast cars and that seems to be what compelled him to climb into one with his friend Roger Rodas on Saturday afternoon. Seeing the photos of that crash were just horrifying to see. Even more so now that we know Paul Walker survived the initial impact and was still alive when the car caught fire. That is the most awful way to die and I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy. I talked with a friend the other day about how we both hoped they were gone before the fire began, and I still wish that would have been true. Hopefully he was at least unconscious and unable to feel anything that happened.
Someone suggested that I may have had sleep issues simply because I saw the car accident photos and it took me back to my accident, or to my girlfriend's accident. Possibly. I've never seen, nor had the desire to see, photos from my own accident but I hear it was pretty bad. It had to be for me to die twice only to get rejected and sent right back here. And I crashed at about 40 MPH, which is what the speed limit was on the road Walker and Rodas were on, so I cannot imagine how anyone survives a crash at 90 MPH, about the speed they were believed to be driving at the time of the wreck. I try my best to avoid any kind of imagery or news about car crashes, but obviously that's not always possible. When I do catch a glimpse, it hammers home how lucky I am to be here right now. It reminds me not to take things for granted, something we're all prone to doing, especially around the holidays. Losing someone at all is terrible but your emotions are amped up at this time of year (again, I'm speaking from experience). It's supposed to be such a wonderful, family-oriented season but it's difficult to get through when you've lost someone so important to you. I hope his family finds a way to get through it all. I don't know how I would manage if I knew that my loved one was essentially burned alive.
I've seen many different reactions from people about his death. They run the gamut from, "he had it coming for going so fast" to, "the driver was at fault and killed him". There have been some people who understand the loss and grieve it as if they knew him, and some who wonder why people are so upset when they didn't actually know him. The reactions have been...odd. A close friend of mine is a HUGE Michael Jackson fan. While I was sad to hear of his passing, I wasn't completely torn up about it like some people. Still, I understood the grief. I didn't go around asking MJ's mega-fans why they were so upset over the death of this person they'd never truly known. People grieve in their own ways and for the people they love, whether they're a fan of the person, or the person's work. It's not like these fans upset over Paul Walker's death are coming out and claiming they were BFF's or anything. They're sad because it's a tragic situation, his daughter lost her father and the world lost a good human being. That's it. What's wrong with grieving over those things? I didn't see anyone harassing people about being sad over Whitney Houston's death or any other celebrity death for that matter. I saw people pointing out that she had a hand in her own death, as Walker might have, as do many celebrities who die. It's sad but it's true. But just because everyone's thinking something doesn't mean a bunch of jackasses have to come right out and say it so soon after a death. We don't know, and we'll probably never know, the full conditions that led to this crash. If they were going 90 MPH and nothing was amiss with the car, then yes they both had a hand in their own demises. We all make our own choices after all. But we don't know any of that. The only two people who do are no longer on this particular plane. Let everyone, whether fan or family, mourn the way they want to mourn.
As I sat down to write this post, I got this feeling that I've had to write way too many posts that deal with death. I'm not afraid of dying myself. The thing that gives me nightmares is someone I love passing away. That is paralyzing. I do worry for Miss N if I happen to no longer be here one day. And I wonder who she'll be mourning when she's my age. I feel like so many celebrities that remind my generation of their childhood or teenage years have passed away the past five years or so. And that's why so many of us are so sad about certain celebrity deaths and can't quite pinpoint why. Because, in a way, it reminds us how goddamn old we are. And that people we grew up with or grew up watching can die. Obviously we know that anyone can die but there is this sort of assumption that the people you're a fan of, watch or listen to everyday will always be around. I remember my mom being upset when someone she was a fan of died but I can only recall two incidents of it (the rest lost in the abyss of my damaged brain cells); Princess Diana and JFK Jr. And all I remember of those times were her being glued to the TV watching the coverage in disbelief. I didn't quite grasp why for the longest time. Until people I was a fan of began to pass away. And now it seems like I've been in her position far too many times. RIP dudes.