Whilst wandering through the pages of one of the blogs I regularly read, I saw a post about an award that is given out annually to the "writer" (I use that term very loosely and you'll soon see why) of the worst sex scene in a book. The material of the winner and runners up was posted and some of it was gross, some of it was confusing, but sure enough all of it was terrible. This prompted folks to post the worst writing of a sex scene that they'd ever read, which brought more disgustingness and confusion. But towards the end of the line, my life changed. Why, you ask? How can terrible sex writing change the life of a manwhore, you ask? Read on (my notes are in bold)...
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"Her long hair, still wet from the shower, had been combed down her back in a wet swath. Hilda was sitting on the floor, her round, wet boobs still wet from the shower’s water. She dried off the water with a towel, which then became wet. (So, to clarify, the takeaway here is apparently that water is wet and anything that comes into contact with it will get...wait for it...wet.)
Hilda gasped when she saw a reflection in her bedroom mirror: through the slightly open door, she caught a glimpse of the chiseled abs and square jaw of the mysterious stranger who shared her cabin. She stood and spun around, her breasts swinging heavily with the momentum. She grabbed the door and flung it open, revealing shirtless Torolf (which was seriously his name) quivering with desire in the hallway. (I've never had breasts but "swinging heavily with the momentum" sounds painful.)
Torolf was ashamed at being caught, but his shame made him even hotter - hotter for sex. He stepped into the room, and his bulging abs accidentally smushed into Hilda’s rich chest. (1. "smushed is NOT a sexy word EVER. 2. "His shame made him hotter - hotter for sex", well thank you Captain Obvious. For a minute there, I thought he was hot for something else.)
As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm. (LOL WHAT?!)
"Hilda," Torolf murmured thickly, his throbbing meat wand pressing against Hilda’s warm thighs. "There is a secret I need to not tell you: You are my forbidden desire." ("Meat"...also not a sexy word EVER.)
Hilda had been waiting to hear these words. Her heart was lifted on golden wings and soared toward a radiant sun of perfect joy. She saw herself and Torolf happy together, bathed in the golden light of love. Her snooch got all warm, too. (Aaaaaand yet another unsexy word, "snooch".)
"Torolf," Hilda moaned, her lush teats straining with desire. "I need you." Torolf, coarse abs pulsing softly in the moonlight, stood silently.
Hilda looked at him expectantly.
"Oh, sorry," she added. "Torolf, I need you - sexually." (How dumb is this dude that a naked chick is standing in front of him saying "I need you" and he doesn't get what that means until she says, "Oh wait...did I say sexually? Cuz I meant sexually".)
At hearing those beautiful words, Torolf flexed his rough-hewn abs and Hilda found herself being guided to her soft bed by the sheer force of Torolf’s undulating midsection. She parted her thighs in anticipation, exposing the soft pink petals of her clunge. (MORE unsexy words and WTF is up with this chick's obsession with his abs? Does he have any other anatomy? One that may be on the brink of aneurysm, perhaps?)
Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment. (Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. BEST. LINE. EVERRRRR. In the history of literature, in the universe, EVER!! I could barely get past that line when I read it the first time.)
Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and her hands. Her spongy love mountains hurled to and fro with each pounding. Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it. (Even MORE unsexy imagery, but also some hilariousness. There's the need to point out that she didn't just clutch the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy, she also used her hands. Also, "Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.". That sentence totally sounds like he started to write this epic thing and his train o' thought wrecked halfway through so he said, "fuck it" and ended with "and somebody was pushing their dick inside it".)
Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s. He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent sperms as Hilda spasmed with so many orgasms! (...I think Torolf should probably see a doctor soon because his Johnson seems to have a number of neurological problems. It's also funny how the author says she had "so many orgasms".)
The two lay still for a moment as the stinky scent of lovemaking billowed around the room. (Ew.)
Hilda got out of bed, still shimmering with orgasm. She glowed with contentment, like a cat who ate the cream of the crop.
She walked across the room and picked up her towel, still wet with shower water. “Torolf,” she said softly, “there’s something I have to tell you…”
But her bed was empty.
Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs." (WTF are "galloping abs"? And why is dude climbing out a window rather than hanging around for awhile? Was the sex that bad?)
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Sweet Jesus, this story made my day yesterday. And here I thought "50 Shades Of Grey" was bullshit. This one is even worse (though "50" is still awful). This story is also the gift that keeps on giving because everyone I've forwarded it to has come back with fantastic commentary, such as:
Me: This story has this gem of a line, "he entered her like a lottery"
W: *cackle*
W: That sounds like something Kanye West would sing about
Me: LOL Oh man I lost it after that line
Me: "I wanna enter you like a lottery on the sink. Film that shit and send your pimp mama the link"
W: LOL
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R: Da fuck did you just send me? "Dick Parkinsons"?? LOL
E: LOL Wow. That is awesomely bad and makes me want to never have an orgasm again.
Y: LMAO! This is amazing. This is making my life.
A: He entered her like she was a lottery LMAO. WTF does that mean?? He walked into a 7-11 and purchased her??
Me: LMAO!
G: LMAO That'd make her a hooker. I'd like a pack of smokes, a Big Gulp and to enter that woman like a lottery, please.
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W: Like a lottery, entered for the very first tiiiime!
Me: *frolics on a boat bound to Spongy Love Mountain* WHOAAAOOAAAOAAA AHH
W: I was like WTF is spongy love mountain
W: It sounds like a part of the cow that is eaten only on holidays
Me: *throws his bagel away*
W: LOL I'm sorry, did I gross you out?
Me: lol I literally took a bite and then your text popped up and I was like...nm, I'm not hungry anymore
Oh man. Merry Christmas to me.
