My mom put a present under the tree that said "From: Mom Fragile". Then this happened:
Me: I don't know who that is, Mom Fragile.
Mom: That's my rapper name. MF for short.
Me: Um...
[Mom thinks about it for a second]
Mom: That did not go as planned.
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Whilst playing 'Scrabble' with my cousin's new girlfriend (who is awesome and hilarious):
[She puts down the word, "Legato"]
Me: What the hell does that mean?
Her: It's...a cat made out of Legos
Me: You don't know what it means, you looked it up. Cheater.
Her: Fine then let's only use words we know, no dictionary.
[Twenty minutes later]
[I put down the word "Axiom"]
Her: Whoa whoa whoa. What does that mean, Merriam-Webster?
Me: It means something that's true. Maybe if you didn't spend all your time building Lego cats, you'd know that.
Her: Burn.
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My 14-year-old niece on Christmas Eve morning, trying to convince her parents to let her open a gift before the evening hours.
"But see, I feel like I'm getting a cold and I might be stuck in bed by the time everyone gets here to open presents."
Two points for creativity (but the answer was still 'no').
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I don't know how I did this, nor could I ever do it again, but while leaning against the oven and checking an email, my sister told me to move so she could get something out of the oven. I stepped forward to move out of the way and the oven door flung open and hit my sister in the head. Apparently my belt loop got caught on the corner of the oven door handle so when I moved, the door moved too. Couldn't do it again in a million years.
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A few years back, my Uncle D was not interested in any of the football games on during Thanksgiving, so he decided to put up the outdoor Christmas decorations instead. Long-ish story short, he fell off the roof and broke his leg. My aunt had to take him to the hospital and thus we did not eat until very late in the evening. They still bicker about the whole thing. This was one of those arguments (he barked almost everything in Spanish, she barked back in English):
Him: You always want to do all of this stuff for the holidays and it never turns out well.
Her: And why is that? Why doesn't it turn out well?
Him: You don't plan well.
Her: *I* don't plan well?? I plan just fine. The problem is you're a jackass and you ruin holidays.
Him: I gave you four kids!
Her: Yep. And they know you ruin the holidays too. Like Thanksgiving.
Him: Ay...
Her: You STILL don't think you did anything wrong that day.
Him: I put up decorations on YOUR house for your damn holiday, what was wrong with that?
Her: Your fall off the roof. Thanksgiving dinner at 8 o'clock. THAT is what was wrong with that.
Him: I guess a broken leg wasn't enough for you.
Her: No, it wasn't. You should've finished the job so we could've eaten on time. It's not like I would've needed to take you to the coroner.
[He shakes his head]
Her: More coffee?
Him: Si, mi amor
The moral of the story? Don't give a woman ammunition like that, ya'll.
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We had a spirited discussion about The Brady Bunch and whether it not thy were truly a functional family (or if such a thing exists). Some highlights:
Cousin: The Brady's had a doctor...
His mom: You could be a lawyer if you'd take the bar.
*cousin picks up his marbles and goes home*
Crazy Aunt: The Brady's didn't have such smartass kids
Other aunt: I wish I had a son smart enough to be a doctor
Her son: You know, it's always such a wonderful boost to the self-esteem to come home for the holidays
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The bestie is dating an old flame again. He's head over heels for her, and she loves him, but their views on the future differ.
BF: And of course he still wants to get married and I don't.
Me: I feel your pain. All my womensz want to marry me too. It's annoying.
BF: That's because you're a catch
Me: Meh
BF: Seriously though, promise me you'll set him straight if he ever comes to you about proposing to me
Me: You and W got every dude proposing and ish after a few weeks or months. I don't get it
BF: Uh, it's because we're awesome
Me: Well, I don't think either of y'all are all that special
BF: LOL Merry Christmas to us
Me: lol I mean, I adore you both. But it's like these dudes see the edited versions of y'all and wanna wife you. Then someone sends then the version with the parental advisory sticker and they get ghost.
BF: lol And I'm sure you're the one who sends that version
Me: They see all your crazy and they leave. That's what I meant
BF: I see someone got a new shovel for Christmas.
Me: lol Santa brings one every year
BF: I hate you, fucker
Me: LOL But why?
BF: I tell you that you're a good catch and you tell me you don't know why anyone wants me lol
Me: I did not! I said I don't get why everyone wants to MARRY you right away
BF: Still not a compliment but I don't get it either lol
