Sometimes I Wonder How We Do Sleep, Serving The Dodgy Companies We Keep

Awhile back, I was visiting the fam when my sister (a music freak like me) introduced me to this new music station on the television. They played mostly live performances, some from DVD's, some from TV specials, but occasionally they played music videos from artists who didn't get a lot of play on other stations (if any). Unfortunately, the channel lasted only a few months before suddenly being yanked off the air, never to be replaced. And it's a shame because it really was a unique channel. But, in the brief time we had together, I discovered this song and took an instant liking to it. Before my trip, I went through my iTunes and made a playlist of all the songs I've neglected for too long and this was one of them. Now it's on repeat.

I Never Wanna Act My Age, What's My Age Again?

Me: Whatcha doin?
Friend: I'm working and counting down the minutes
Me: Doing anything fun tonight?
Friend: Ehhh....youth ministry stuff 
Me: So then no lol
Friend: Lol correct 
Friend: What are you up to? 
[Ten minutes pass]
Friend: Calm down! You're overwhelming me with info!
Me: Lol I know, I talk too much

[A conversation about voyeurism and masturbation ensues]

Me: I think it's hilarious this is the conversation we're having before you go mentor the religious youth
Friend: lol you lead me to temptation so hard!
Me: LOL. That's what's printed on the memorabilia my womensz get when they leave in the morning
Friend: lol is it a commemorative paper weight that you set on top of the money and coupons you leave for them?
Me: lol more like a onesie with a note that says "just in case"
Friend: LMAO Dick.

[Another few hours pass before a conversation about superheroes ensues]

Friend: Farty is my superhero sidekick name
Me: And whenever you come on screen...
Me: FARTY FARTY BO BARTY BANANA FANNA FO FARTY ME MY MO MARTY FARTY
Me: In one of those little thought bubbles like the original Batman
Friend: LOL I wonder what would happen if we were to start acting our age
Me: LOL I wouldn't risk it
Me: Why start now? We're in our 30's. the finish line isn't so far away
Friend: lol good idea
Me: Tis an honor to bask in your immaturity Mabel
Me: That shoulda said "m'lady". All fancy like
Friend: Who the hell is Mable?
Friend: Mabel does sound like the name of a sister wife
Me: LOL You are, honey!
Me: How's this for romantical? If I were a polygamist, you'd be my favorite sister wife
Me: I know you wanna swoon. Go 'head, swoon
Friend: You know how to churn my butter! 
Friend: Oooooh baby! 
Me: lol churn baby churn. BUTTA INFERNOOOOOO *dances in 70's suit while rockin a fro*
Friend: lol. You can raise my baaaaarn, raise my barn! 
Me: LOL. Lovvvvvin' youuuuu is easy cuz you're low in saturated fatsssss
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. La la la la la
Me: La la la la la
Me: La la la
Me: ...
Me: La la la laaaaa
Me: Ok I'm done now
Friend: lol thank you for that 
Me: lol what is this "acting our age" you speak of again?
Friend: lol I know not of which you spake 
Me: lol and you "spake" with an accent apparently
Friend: lol totally did

And Access To Healthcare For All #NotReallyThough

I've been absent-ish for a few days because of work and travel but decided to check in because I need a vent. I've always been an Obama supporter. Well, actually I was rooting for Hilary to win the nomination back in 2008. It seemed a better idea for someone with more experience to take the reigns as President and then he takes over after her eight years are up. But I'd planned to support whoever won the nomination and that was Obama and the rest is history. That first term in office was decent. The second one, thus far, can only be described as a hot mess. I was looking forward to healthcare reform, it's something this country has been in dire need of for quite some time. Once the details began to emerge last year about just what that reform would be, I was confused. There were too many, "if this, then do that" type of caveats involved. For that reason, I paid very little attention to getting on a plan and even considered just paying the fine so I didn't have to deal with it all. At the eleventh hour, I did get on a plan but I still don't know the details of it. I never got anything in the mail explaining what my coverage is and, to this point, I haven't needed it anyway. Prior to the law going into effect, we heard all kinds of fantastic promises about how companies who tried to get away with not providing health insurance by cutting employees hours would be fined. We heard that companies would no longer be able to get away with providing bare bones coverage for their employees. We heard that this law would make it possible for everyone to have access to healthcare when they needed it, thus making people less likely to wait until things got dire and visit an emergency room, thus racking up a bill they cannot pay. Well...none of that has turned out to be true, has it? I've heard many, many complaints from people who were already insured but were forced to switch plans because their old plans were supposedly not comprehensive enough for the new law. Yet these new plans that are "more comprehensive" are removing coverage for things like chemotherapy and other potentially life saving procedures. E's chemo used to be covered by his insurance, now he'll have to pay almost completely out of pocket for treatment.
No company, to my knowledge, has been fined for cutting their employees hours in order to avoiding paying for health coverage. Target (who is not having a good year) and Home Depot have both slashed hours for some employees. And then there's the whole bare bones coverage thing. My mom's company has always had bare bones, crappy insurance and that still has not changed. Looking at the plan she and almost all of her co-workers are on, I don't see how it could qualify as decent coverage. She still has to go to a clinic, rather than an actual doctor's office, because it is all that the plan will pay for. And she still has to pay $10 to see that doctor, plus medication costs. One of the meds she's on used to be $10 for a ninety day supply and, under this new plan, has gone up to $39 for a thirty day supply (fortunately she can still get it for $10 by going through the clinic). How is that "better" coverage? She's been sick the last few days, coughing and tightness in her chest, and decided to break down and call the doctor today. There were no appointments available so she has to sit in the waiting room, breathing in Fonz knows what kinda germs, and hope that a doctor uses one of their spare moments to see her. If they can't see her by lunchtime, she has to go home for an hour and then return when they re-open and sit there again, this time for four hours, in the hopes that she can see someone. Yep. That whole healthcare reform is working out real well. Obama's presidency will be defined by it, especially after the website debacle.

The Rookie

Today we pause in remembrance of our longtime friend Agent W. Don't worry, she's not dead. She's just turning 30 today. THIRTY. 3-0. Meaning, we now both have those blasted 3's in front of our age. I've made peace with my own age, hell, I forget how old I really am half the time anyway. Agent W has been coming to terms with 30 for about a month now (ever since she realized this would be her first "lady month"). But still, neither of us can quite grasp it. I still remember when she was a youngin, around ten years ago. She used to tease me about my manwhorishness and I teased her about being inexperienced in ze sex. At the time (and for years after), her nickname for me was, "Bastard" because most of what came out of my mouth was smartassed and offensive (some things really don't change). My nickname for her was, "Rookie" because of the inexperience and because I quite enjoyed how fired up she got when I called her that. I've never known anybody to flip the bird so quickly as Agent W did when she heard, "rookie". It was fantastic.
Agent W and I have been through a lot. And our friendship has taught me a lot (of course the rookie is the one who teaches the bastard). It's taught me about when to love somebody better and when to pick up your marbles and go home. She's one of my sounding boards. She tells me when I'm being an idiot. She reminds me that I'm a good person when I get down on myself. And the reverse is also true on occasion. And I'm fortunate to be one of those she reaches out to when she needs to talk. Our conversations run the gamut from stupid to serious. We go through a whole day speaking song lyrics. We have a million inside jokes that come and go from any given conversation. Some of the best advice I've ever disregarded has come from Agent W. And yet, she still gives me advice which I'm VERY grateful for. I value her opinion and I value having her in my life. And even though she's now within my age bracket, I'm gonna be all gentlemanly like and resolve to not trade her in for a newer, younger, less smartassed model. You're welcome.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGENT W! 

Free At Last, Free At Last

I was wading through the many blogs I wrote but never posted about the BP saga. I have 47 unpublished posts about it all in a folder simply called, "BP". Forty-seven. Quite a few probably deal with the same frustrations though. I wrote some when I was upset, some when I thought we were at our end. Throughout the last year and a half of our relationship, I did not write a single good thing about her. We only dated two years, so you can do the math. I'm on the fence about publishing any of what I wrote. I usually post because its cathartic for me. But reading through some of what I wrote about BP, I realize it may not be worth the post. There were just too many things wrong with our relationship. I wish I could rewind a couple of years and avoid her altogether. Because the whole thing changed me, and not in a good way. I'm slowly finding my way back to someone I want to be, but it's a journey I should've never had to take. I should've been out soooo many times but the turning point really was the autistic incident. I should've never spoken to her again after that. But I caved and, although I didn't know it at the time, gave her a ton of power in doing so. She apparently took that to mean she could walk all over me whenever she pleased. And that's exactly what she did. It was no longer, listen, think and then react. She just reacted in anger every time she was upset with me. It's a trip, really. She'd tell me of these fights she'd have with her mom, who was no doubt emotionally abusive towards her, and I think how awful it must have been to deal with that. Her mom would say NASTY things to her and then apologize later and it was as if none of it ever happened. All. The. Time. And when I heard of those fights, even though I felt bad for her, I also thought of that thing where we all become our parents someday and how I could never handle it if she became her mother. And I was right. Only, I didn't have to wait ten or twenty years to see that transformation. She became her mother during the last six or so months of our relationship. And I dodged a serious bullet by getting out when I did.
So what made me finally abandon ship after all the bullshit I took from BP? Common sense making a comeback. She went on a work trip for a few weeks and, although we weren't in the best place when she left, we were managing. I rarely heard more than a few texts from her on the days when she worked so I didn't expect much. I got nothing. We went about three days with absolutely no contact, in spite of the fact that I texted every one of those days. I was annoyed, but I chalked it up to being busy and figured we'd catch up when she got home in a few days time. Nope. Her first day home, she slept, which was the norm since she ALWAYS worked herself sick. The next day, I said I'd like to catch up and was available to do so all day and/or evening and she didn't even respond. When she finally did, it was only to tell me she was going out with a girlfriend and couldn't talk. The next week and a half brought more of the same, complete and total avoidance of me. I got upset but that produced no reaction from her so I went for vulnerability, telling her that we were teetering on the edge of a cliff at the moment and if she didn't tune back into us very soon, we were going over the edge. The responses to my vulnerable comments were mean and so incredibly cold; "That's your problem", "I'm a dinner, I can't deal with this right now". Then, out of nowhere, she begins texting me about how she's "not okay", but doesn't elaborate (I'm sure she was drunk at the time). A few more days of this went by before we talked briefly on a Saturday and made plans to hash things out on Wednesday. I had to work long hours the rest of the week so that was really my only day to deal with everything between us. On Sunday night at almost one in the morning she texts me that she has to go to L.A. for three days and will "probably" be back on Thursday. Just. Like. That. It was amazing to me how much she bitched about "disrespect" and accused me of disrespecting her over the tiniest things, yet she had absolutely no concept of it when it came to her disrespecting me. Once again, I was the lowest man on the totem pole and she expected me to just take it or leave it. That's when I really started to open my eyes and distance myself from everything. In the past, if I ever tried to end it, she would turn on the crocodile tears and claim she couldn't live without me and would never be with anyone else the rest of her life. For awhile, I believed it and it was enough to make me stay. But not anymore. I asked her how her life honestly changes if I make my exit, since she was barely speaking to me anymore as it was. She had no answer.
We sputtered on in limbo for awhile longer with nearly every one of our interactions resulting in a fight of some sort. At that time, I had so much anger and hostility towards her for having abandoned me the way she did and for continuing to take me for granted. I voiced all of that on a daily basis since we STILL had not spoken about anything. She'd admitted to pulling away and taking me for granted but never apologized for it. Apologies were never her strong suit. They always came with a "but..." attached. I was also angry that it took her nearly two weeks to admit she had intentionally pulled away during her trip. She KNEW what she was doing, I knew what she was doing and asked as much, yet she still ignored me and the question and continued stringing me along. If she'd just been honest, I would've moved on then and there. But she knew as much, which is why she handled things the way she did. She went away again, this time on a week-long trip with her mom and non-problem child brother. We were barely speaking but she texted me everyday to shoot the breeze. I sent curt texts back because you don't get to just check out of someone's life whenever you feel like it and then come back in to hear the good things, dealing with none of the negative. She said dealing with her mom for a week gave her a glimpse into what I must deal with when we fight and that she didn't want to be that way anymore. She'd made this speech a week prior, but nothing had changed so I didn't expect much this time either. Good thing too, cuz I still got nothing. Her turnaround lasted for two whole days before she got annoyed that I wasn't letting all my walls down immediately and she abandoned ship, again.
The next month consisted of more grueling exchanges, none of them happy or even close to being "okay". Her favorite thing to tell me now was that she was "busy" and couldn't talk/text/hang for that reason. Yet still wanted me to believe I was first on her list. Instead of talking everyday or every few days when we couldn't hang, we started talking, maybe, once a week. We texted sparingly, none of it about our many, many issues. It was stupid. I'd let go of my anger because there was no use in holding onto it, no use in expecting apologies. I suspected she was done with this but was keeping me on the line so that she didn't have to think of me moving on. Months of barely any contact and non-sincere apologies had taken their toll on me and I was beginning not to care about her anymore. The pattern became her telling me she wanted to try and fix things, me believing her, and her proceeding to ignore me again. I got tired of having my calls ignored so I called her. No answer. She claimed she'd been on the subway. We texted some more before I called again, about an hour later. No answer. This time, she claimed she'd been getting ready for bed. Never did she attempt to return any of my calls. Finally, she answered one of them and was on the warpath from the start. I barely said five words in the ten minutes we were on the phone. It was in that last minute that I attempted to say something in response to her rant and I got two words out before she said, "Just shut the fuck up". No way. I'd taken a lot of shit from her but I wasn't taking anymore. NO ONE ever says that to me. I said, "Fuck you" and hung up, knowing that that was it for me. I was done. She had pushed me so fucking far over the edge that I didn't know if I'd ever be able to climb back up. After I hung up the phone, I set filters on my email so I would not get her messages and I turned off alerts for her texts on my phone, then I went to bed. I'd done all of this before during past fights, but always relented when she dished out an apology the next day. But not this time. The next morning I saw she'd texted after I hung up to say she was tired and we shouldn't have spoken. That's it. That's all you got? Not good enough at all. I said very little over text, telling her she could call me at a specific time to talk. Many, many, many times she'd told me we'd talk at whatever time and then proceeded to miss that time and go out on the town later. I expected her to do the same here, say she couldn't talk and leave things in limbo. To my surprise, she did call. I was straight with her, that this had to be done because there was no good left. I'd tried EVERYTHING to right the ship, but nothing worked and she'd showed little interest in grabbing a sail herself. She was stoic for the first half of the call. Then she realized I was serious and began the waterworks. She never tried to change my mind, only reiterated the "I don't know how to live, won't be with anyone else ever" bullshit, like a kid holding their breath until you give them what they want. Then she asked me how *I* could just shut off emotions and be so stoic and it took all I had not to laugh out loud. You've done this shit to me for MONTHS and now you're on me about that? She also tried to blame the night before on me. I said I couldn't be with someone who could tell me to shut the fuck up in such a cavalier manner and her response was, "Well you told me, "fuck you". She was always focused on what was done to HER, regardless of how it all came about. She was very childlike in that way. I eventually had to go and she tells me that if I ever change my mind, I can give her a call. I said I wouldn't, that once we hung up, we would be out of each other's lives for good. This was just too toxic to ever revisit again. We hung up and I thought that was it.
But, of course, it wasn't it. Never is "it" with her. Apparently she'd sent me an email not long after we hung up but I didn't see it until almost a week later because of my email filters. All it said was she "couldn't move". A few hours after we hung up she texted me something that looked to be a misfire, which she confirmed in a follow-up text. Like an idiot, I responded with "No worries." and that was all she needed to get her foot back in the door. I knew the misfire wasn't actually a misfire, she deliberately sent it to the wrong person looking for a reaction. And I bit. She said she was on the couch and didn't want to do anything, had canceled on going to a friend's birthday dinner because she was "so sad". I only half bought it but found it hilarious that she could never make five minutes for me when we were together, but could clear her schedule whenever we broke up. We started talking and it was a steady convo for about an hour, then I didn't hear from her again until around 9 when she said she was a bar with her friends. I asked what happened to be so depressed that she couldn't move and she said that she HAD to go out to the after dinner party since she'd canceled on dinner. Color me stupid. I should've known that's what would happen. She would've gone even if it had been the end of us, I'd bet money on that. I never understood how her mind worked. It was like feast or famine, everything was either all good in her head, or it was all bad and there was never any middle. She could snap from being devastated to being a-ok in no time flat. It was bizarre. It was almost borderline sociopathic the way she compartmentalized everything. Towards the end of our relationship, I wondered if she wasn't a touch bi-polar. I firmly believe her mother and brother are, to varying degrees, so it wouldn't have been surprising if she was too. I've seen that disorder in close friends, I know how it operates and I recognized the symptoms in all three of them. I was even more done now than I had been before. Going from not being able to move, to a fun night on the town within a few hours is not normal. It was also odd given that when her previous boyfriend had sent her an email ending whatever relation/friendship they had left, she genuinely was depressed for almost a day and a half. That told me plenty.
The next day she began texting me as if they day before had never even happened. It was so ridiculous that I finally had to ask what the hell we were even doing. As far as I was concerned, we'd ended that day and had no more ties. She claimed to be "in denial" over the break-up and again said she wanted to work things out. That night, I was honest with her in saying I didn't think things could be worked out and that we were just back into the same limbo we'd spent months in. She passed out mid-convo and the next day I didn't hear from her, so I shot off a few angry texts. She barked back for awhile and then said she "had to go" because it was yet another friend's party. I said she ALWAYS had somewhere better to be and left it at that. The next day, still no word. Later that night she texted, again as if all was hunky dory, and I told her I was going out in the hopes that it would slam home what exactly was going on with us now. Of course, it didn't. The following day was more of the same, she never contacted me so I contacted her and she said she was still at some friend's thing (three days later). The day after was where it all officially came tumbling down. I tried to get a hold of her, told her we needed actual resolution because the limbo place was awful for me. She told me how *I* felt, saying she was sure I wasn't all that torn up about it because I hadn't been reaching out to her everyday. I tried calling, she ignored me and went to bed. Then she texted in the morning to refute everything I'd said the night before and all I could muster was an, "I don't care". And that was it. Never contacted her again, never heard from her again.
My friends have a running joke about how I'm unable to keep my romantic relationships together. I think it's hilarious, and it's been true on more than a few occasions, but my time with BP taught me that I am not as terrible at them as I once thought. Amazing how that works, isn't it? I've said before that I don't believe just because a relationship ends, it can automatically be chalked up as a failure. Maybe it's because few of my romantic relationships have been lasting, but I think the true measure of whether or not something was successful is if you learned from it. If you learned something about yourself, about life or about relationships in general, than there was a reason you went through it and it wasn't a complete waste of time. And in that sense, I understand why I had to go through the BP debacle. It taught me that I am a better person than I thought I was. It showed me what life is like for those who have far more problems than I could ever comprehend. BP was a waste. Of my time, of my tears, of my emotions, of my energy. I'm not sure she was ever capable of a normal, loving and stable relationship because dysfunction was all she'd ever known. She'd never been in a relationship that lasted longer than a year or so, everything in her past was on and off. So were we, in a sense. I know I gave my all but the problem was I didn't have much to work with, and I couldn't do it alone. And I'm left thinking it must be such a...hollow existence to be a mean spirited person. To always be so defensive about everything, and often needlessly so. I wrote once of how she seemed to hold the trigger to my emotions, but how I didn't believe she knew that, or intentionally hit that trigger. But now I know I was wrong. She knew and she never showed any restraint when things got nasty. It was always attack, attack, attack. I remember how on at least three separate occasions, she was berating me or yelling at me and I just lost it. I went into tears and said, "stop". She never did. She kept berating and berating and even when I fucking begged her to stop yelling at me, she did not. And each of those times it made me sick to think how somebody I trusted, somebody I loved, could be so awful as to not relent even once they had me as low as I could go. I mean, who does that? I cannot even fathom continuing to scream at someone once they were crying. That's emotional abuse. And I took it. Because I believed she loved me as much as she said she did. Instead, it turned out to be a case of Jekyll and Hyde, and Hyde came back to stay after that last work trip. She told me she couldn't live with my judgments and my getting upset with her but doesn't seem to grasp that she did the same thing to me. And the most baffling part about it all is how she seemed completely clueless that any of this exists within her. Always passing the buck, never taking the responsibility. She'd make a great politician. At least I know I'm capable of being mean and I acknowledge when I have been and apologize for it. She did that, maybe, once or twice. Every other time it was empty apologies. She berated, she screamed, she told me to "shut the fuck up" and then she apologized later. And why did she operate this way? Because it was how her mom operated with her. As long as those nasty things that were said game with an apology, no matter how empty it was, all was supposed to be well again. And that was all it was supposed to take to smooth everything over. It did for awhile, too. Because I put up with her manipulative bullshit. That was my mistake, not calling her on her shit. I'd never let anyone else get away with half the crap she pulled, so what was so special about her that I let her run me down and then repeatedly back over me? Nothing. The only reason I kept coming back was because my savior complex reared its ugly head. I didn't want to leave her behind, I wanted her to see that good relationships are possible if you work at them. But I don't know that she even comprehends that, honestly. She seems content being stuck in the chaos of her dysfunction. And you can't help someone who won't help themselves. All I know is I just want to be happy. Feel love and give love and be without judgments on either side. I want that kinda fire and electricity that runs through your veins when you're so in love. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to groan when the person I'm involved with contacts me. There are plenty of women out there who aren't mean girls, who aren't mindfucks and who want to be in a loving, stable relationship. And that's what I want. That's what I need.

I want a real love to let me

I want to zero out and be born again

No more false starts

And no more dead ends

Jersey Boys

I don't know if I've mentioned this yet but...

MY DENVER BRONCOS ARE GOING TO THE FREAKIN' SUPER BOWL!!!

I mean, holy crap. The last time they went to the big game, I was in high school and now, I'm months away from my 10 year college reunion. It has been a loooooooong wait, ya'll. Made to feel like a eternity by the Tebow debacle. My hometown is on fire right now and will be for the next two weeks, which will also seem like an eternity. But dammit, I am happy. Hell, more than happy, I'm freakin' thrilled and excited. And methinks that fool from Seattle who screamed into the camera and later carried on a Twitter war with a San Francisco player may have already swung karma in the Broncos favor. If ever there was a non-gracious winner, this dude would be it. On the other side are the Broncos, who have a QB that is the definition of class and who has elevated his entire team to be the same way. I really wanted the Broncos to beat the Chargers, I really, really wanted them to beat the Patriots, but I would sell Miss N in order for them to be able to win the championship (don't worry, she's being raised in a football family and fully understands why this would happen). There were some hilarious tweets and video from both the AFC and NFC games last night:

Shannon Sharpe is a beloved Bronco from the first Elway era and was a part of the back to back Super Bowl wins in the 90's. He's now a commentator for CBS and, while he is usually able to keep his love for his former team in check, last night he just could not contain himself. The video of this is hilarious but unfortunately it's not online. When the day began, Shannon looked like this (excuse the bad picture, it's all I could find):

During the post-game show, he put on his Denver Broncos gloves and was visibly thrilled about the result of the game. Then, as the other commentators talked, he put on his Broncos helmet and then tore up his notes and used them as confetti. Finally, about 8 minutes into the post-game show, he looked like this:

I loved the man when he played for us and I still love him now. Maybe even a bit more since he was so unabashed about his love for the orange and blue.

One of the first tweets I saw after the game was from a Colts fan. Let us remember that the arrogant as fuck owner of the Colts basically forced Peyton Manning out the door because he didn't believe he would ever play again after having had four neck surgeries. The Colts hung all of their hopes on a young QB who has yet to reach a Championship game, and was beaten badly by the Patriots a week ago. I'm sure this fella's tweet sums up what a lot of the Colts faithful are thinking right now.

I didn't see it myself, but Twitter was all abuzz about how Tom Brady was crying or overly emotional after the game. I loathe Tom Brady so I wasn't all that upset about this. And I don't really get it, if he was that upset. It's not like he's an almost 40 year old player who has never been to, or won a SB. Then, I understand the tears. But you have a number of rings and nobody expected you to even get this far in the 2013 season. Shut up and take it like a man. Or, as this person said:

Last week, everyone made a big deal about how often Peyton says, "Omaha" before the Broncos run a play. You can hear almost every audible he calls when they play at home because the crowd is almost silent (as was the crowd in Indy when he played there). Peyton was asked what it means in a press conference during game week and his explanation was great because it wasn't really an explanation at all (it's assumed that "Omaha" is the last thing he says before the play actually begins). It became such a big deal that many business in Omaha donated money to his charity every time he used the city's name during the game, which was a pretty great thing for them to do. But nothing summed up the hype over Omaha better than this meme:

It is said that ladies watch football for the men in tight pants, and sometimes that's true. Although most of the women in my life are actual football fans who know what's going on and who see the hot mensz in tight pants as a bonus. But never in my life have I seen so many people (not just women) comment on the looks of a football player. Enter Eric Decker. He's got a bit of a higher profile than other players because he's married to a failed country singer and they had a reality show last year. But methinks even if none of that were true, he'd still be a poster boy for a lot of people. The womensz are just all kindsa into him, even my mom and aunts regularly talk about what a looker he is. His nickname amongst the peeps in my hometown is "Homewrecker Decker" because I'm sure a lot of the ladies would gladly wreck they homes to spend some time with him. I'm a straight dude but even I have to admit that he's a good looking guy. And hey, if his looks contributed to a win...:

Of course, for every winner, there is a loser. And in this case, the big, fat, ugly, ridiculous, occasionally cheating losers are the New England Patriots. A lot of people hate the Pats and you can count me among them. For years, the Broncos could not beat them, whether in the regular season or the playoffs. Even with Manning, no one really gave us much of a chance to win. Everyone talks about their SB wins and the coach and QB but conveniently forgets things like their cheating scandal and how several NFL rules have been changed in Brady's honor. New England can do no wrong in the NFL's eyes, they even swept the Aaron Hernandez murder scandal under the rug. The Pats loss, however, is Africa's gain. It's common knowledge that before the championship games, apparel is made for both teams. The winning team gets shirts, hats, jackets, etc and the losing team's memorabilia is sent to Africa where it is used to clothe underprivileged people.

And finally, there's the Seahawks. My mom, uncle and a few cousins wanted to see us play the 49ers because they thought it would be an easier game. I wasn't so sure and rooted for neither team. Seattle was number one in the NFC and the Broncos were number one in the AFC so I kinda figured they would meet. I still see it as advantage Denver because Seattle's QB is young and rather inexperienced. He makes bad decisions when he's under pressure, so hopefully we can take advantage of that. And judging from this dude's post-game "interview", if one can call it that, Seattle is overly cocky. I've seen a lot of people say they're rooting for the Broncos after seeing this ridiculousness last night, and I can't say I blame them. Apparently, the Niners player was talking smack about the Seahawks player and that's what set this whole thing off. Then, it continued over to Twitter where they exchanged verbal jabs the rest of the evening (seriously? You just won your conference and you're going to the SUPER BOWL and you spend your evening on Twitter talking trash? Idiot.). Whatever happened to winning graciously and letting that crap just roll right off you? Oh, that's right, all of that was in Denver. I'm also a bit biased against Seattle because they've made a huge deal over the fact that they supposedly have the loudest stadium in the league. I wholeheartedly disagree. I've watched a few of their games and the crowd is definitely louder than usual but it is in no way louder than Mile High, where the Broncos play. Whenever you see the Broncos on TV, you can see the cameras in the stadium visibly shaking because it's so loud. I've never seen that on a Seattle broadcast. But Seattle won't have any of that in NJ in two weeks. Anyway, here is the idiot seen round the world:

And here is the absolute best reaction to it:

And so, the countdown to the big game begins. This is what everyone in Denver expected last year at this time but better late then never. It's almost better for me since my team will be coming to the town I live in to play for the championship. The kids will get to experience all of the insanity first hand, rather than hearing about it from the rest of us. And hopefully, my boys can bring home the title. How cool would that be? I still can't believe it's happening, ya'll. 13 days and counting...

Paint It Orange

Pardon my excitement...But my Broncos are going to the fucking SUPER BOWL!!!!! I am beyond fucking excited (as you can tell from my renewed interest in profanity) and will be on some kinda high the next two weeks, which will be torture. You would think I'd be rushing out to buy my AFC Championship gear but niet. I don't want AFC Champs gear. I want Super Bowl Champs gear. And now, onto the NFC Championship game to see who the opponent will be...

All Work, No Play, Don't Wanna Go On This Way, I Wanna Go Back To The Way It Was

This song applied to a couple of my relationships, but I didn't realize until I heard it a few days ago that it describes the BP mess perfectly too. And I'm is determined that it will not describe anymore of my relationships.

Wiz-Dumb

G: Look ya'll...I'm about to drop some knowledge
R: This should be good
G: The greatest gift we can give ourselves is the gift of knowing we shouldn't give ourselves gifts.
E: And it was.
Me: LMAO WTF does that even mean??
Y: LMAO Ok, Iyanla.
G: LMAO Shut up
A: LOL Um...I don't even know
Me: I'ma drop some knowledge too
R: lol This should be even better
Me: I think the greatest gift the rest of us received was when the powers that be decided to knock off early on the day you were being fitted for brain cells.
E: LMAO YES!
A: LOL Preach it!
Y: LOL And it was.

================

Me: I feel like a zoo animal. My anemia doc had never seen an eardrum repair and asked to take a look. Then her brought in two more docs and a nurse to see lol
Me: I asked about my blood results and he's like, "oh yeah, they're fine" then calls another nurse to come look at my ear
W: Do they need one of those doohickey scope thingies to look in your ear and see the repairs?
Me: Yeah
W: Dammit...I wanted to see
Me: Lol I knew that's where you were headed
W: I've never seen one of those either
W: Did they knock you out?
Me: Yep. Genital anesthesia
W: LMAO
Me: LMAO NOOOOOOOOO!!! GENERAL. General anesthesia
Me: But I was passed out so who really knows
W: And I wanna
Me: You wanna?
W: That was uhmazing
W: Totally
Me: Lol Did you spike your coffee this morning? I don't know why "I wanna" means
W: The whole statement was split in two.. 
[Five minutes pass]
W: I was repeating that I STILL wanna see your ear
[Five more minutes pass]
W: Dammit nevermind lol
Me: LOL amazing how the blank stare on my face can travel across an entire country, ain't it?
W: LOL yes! 

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Friend: Hon, how are you?
Me: Pretty good. Hopped up on Advil
Friend: How high is the dosage?
Me: High enough so that it feels like I'm walking on sunshine. Not high enough that I don't don't my know name
Me: LMAO Or...high enough that I can't compose a coherent sentence apparently
Friend: LOL I want what you're having
Me: LOL Seriously

Oh, what a 48 hours I've had. Made all the more exciting by the fact that I've only been able to experience it all in mono, rather than stereo. Somehow, I managed to rupture my eardrum late Thursday night. I didn't know that I'd done it, so I went to bed and didn't think much of it. On Friday, it was painfully obvious what I'd done but I was reluctant to go to the doctor. Doctor Google (credit to a friend for that saying) said it would take eight weeks to heal but that I should be okay without medical assistance. Welllll, Dr. Google isn't exactly a Harvard medical grad. On Saturday, I woke up to find my ear bloody and my hearing almost completely gone in my right ear. I could make out very muffled sounds, but nothing more. I paid a visit to the ER and they gave me some fantastic meds for pain (nothing fun though, as I refused the hardcore stuff for obvious reasons). They also diagnosed the ruptured eardrum and decided that they needed to repair it surgically. And that was...fun. Long story short, the repair seems to have been successful and I'm on the mend. I can hear again but they can't be sure if the hearing will be 100% until after it heals completely. Still, I am thankful that it seems to be improving. And super thankful for the high dose Ibuprofen they gave me. Thank you to e'eryone who reached out to check on me, it's greatly appreciated.

*DUN DUN*

I'm a crime show junkie. There. It feels good to get it out. I watch "CSI" and "Elementary" and anything and everything on the "Investigation Discovery" network. And, of course, I watch the original crime drama, "Law & Order". L&O began in 1990 and my mom and grandma watched it religiously for the first few seasons. I don't fully recall when I jumped on the bandwagon, but I think it was in high school. And right as college began, so did the first L&O spin-off, "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit". I liked the original L&O (and am currently re-watching it from the very beginning, thanks to Sundance Channel). I was meh about the later spin-off, "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" (yet still watched most of the episodes, thanks to USA network). But I LOVED SVU in a way that was probably borderline unhealthy (but most people I know who loved the show felt the same way). Why was that L&O above all others? I have no idea. I guess because the chemistry between the characters was insane and the episodes were very well written. The one thing universal across all the L&O's was that there were never any, "Oh, like that would really happen" moments. It was all believable, all well withing the realm of real-life possibility. The original L&O struggled to find its way after Jerry Orbach, the best detective that version ever had, died. They brought in an ADA who was so disliked that they killed her off and stuffed her in a car trunk, they brought in a handful of detectives who didn't quite gel with Jesse L. Martin, and eventually L&O went off the air, although it was the longest running show in history. CI had a strange journey where it went through cancellation on NBC, rebirth on USA and ended with a completely different cast than it began with. And now, I fear SVU is about to run the same path.
SVU began with Detectives Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) and Elliot Stabler (Christopher Meloni). I liked Stabler because he didn't take any BS, he was always right on the edge of going too far with any given perp. I adored Olivia Benson. She was a great detective, she was strong, she was smart and funny, yet there was still this kind of vulnerability to her. And it didn't hurt that she was gorgeous, of course. Both played their roles very well, which couldn't have always been easy since their entire run had a "will they or won't they"-esque quality to it. We all knew they wouldn't, producers said as much, but still that feeling was always there because Stabler was the only good man who ever came into Benson's life, and he was very protective and fond of her, but was married with kids. The first season of SVU had five detectives, but two of them would be written out by the second season. Enter Ice-T (yes, that Ice-T). He and his partner, Detective John Munch (Richard Belzer, who played this same detective for over 20 years on various TV programs) brought the comedy element to the show and all four actors, plus the medical examiner, ADA and the Captain, gelled and made up the nucleus of the show for most of its run. But things began to change at the end of season 9. For reasons apparently unclear to even her, the second best ADA the show ever had was not brought back for another season. This led to a number of seasons of playing musical ADA, plugging one in for a few episodes and then removing her, before finally settling on a permanent ADA last season. Things changed even more dramatically when season 12 concluded with a shootout at the precinct where Stabler shot and killed a teenager in self-defense. It was common knowledge that both Hargitay and Meloni's contracts were up for renewal, but this had been the case at the end of prior seasons and was always quietly worked out before production started up again. Not this time. Hargitay re-upped, but Meloni did not. He refused to even come back for an episode to wrap up his 12-year long storyline, which was very disappointing. That show gave him a much higher profile and opened doors for him but when he was done, he was done. This led to two new detectives being cast and a major overhaul of the dynamics of the show, and a new executive producer taking over. Stabler's exit wasn't ever really addressed, other than Benson telling the newbies he decided to retire because he couldn't handle that he'd shot a kid. That wasn't really a decision that went in line with the Stabler we knew, but it was all we were gonna get so we kinda had to accept it. The new detectives were...very meh. Not as well written as the originals and too much time was spent focusing on their personal lives and trials. The show did that with Benson and Stabler as well, but only after we'd grown to be invested in these people. With the new detectives, it was like two episodes from their introduction to their life problems and you don't really care about the life problems of someone you just met. I think a lot of people began to feel like the show was on its last legs. Benson was still as strong a character as ever but she didn't really gel with her new partner and he seemed to be a poor man's Stabler. She was carrying the show.
Season 15 brought more change, even though the previous ones weren't really working. At the end of the previous season, the show began a storyline entangling Benson with a man who had been acquitted of raping seven different women. He fixated on her, kidnapped her and held her captive for four days while the squad rushed to try and find her. The season 15 premiere dealt with her finally escaping him and nearly beating him to death in the process. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and, in hindsight, she should've just killed the bastard. Why? Two reasons; one, because it's the only way to actually "win" against a psycho like that and two, because then they wouldn't be able to milk this storyline long past its expiration date. It is now the tenth episode of the season and we're still dealing with all this. What's even more confusing is that twice in the premiere, producers chose to skip ahead by a few months, making it seem as though the story would be wrapped in a few more episodes and everything would move forward. I thought that was an odd decision since something like a kidnapping changes a person. It's an even odder decision when you realize they intend to take this storyline right to this year's finale. In the process, they're completely destroying the only good thing that was left on the show - Olivia Benson. I've never been a fan of when they have Benson-centric negative episodes because the character has been through too much already. And it seems as if other viewers agree since SVU's ratings this season have decreased almost by the episode. This week's return from the holiday break dealt with the trial of her kidnapper, who chose to represent himself and claim that it was Benson who fixated on him and held him hostage for four days. He was acquitted of a few charged but convicted of the kidnapping. He also managed to smear Benson's reputation with all of his BS. Then, the show flashed forward another four months and the dude was being wheeled out of prison on a gurney by a female doctor telling him he would be okay. It became clear he was okay and this was his escape, and then the credits rolled. Since it's already the second half of the season, I can tell he's going to re-enter the picture around finale time.
I hate to say it but I think SVU has one, maybe two more seasons before the ax comes down. Part of the reason it's still on is because NBC continues to struggle. This season has been a hot mess. With all the time jumping, I'm more confused than I was while watching "Lost", and that's saying something since that show was the greatest mindfuck ever. I don't know what year we're in on SVU, I don't know how many months have elapsed and, honestly, I'm beginning to not care anymore. Next week is yet another storyline with one of the newbies and I don't like his character very much so I'm debating whether or not to even watch it. *sigh* This concludes my first world problems rant.

In The Stillness Of Remembering What You Had...And What You Lost

This one will be short and to the point because I seem to have ruptured my eardrum and am in blinding pain 90% of the time. I love me some Fleetwood Mac. I love me this song. Stevie Nicks is perfection. That is all.

Santa Baby, No More Nomnomsexuality For Me, Just Got A Set Of Morals,You See

My friends and I have a running joke about how the only way I'll obtain morals is if I become a zombie. Or if hell freezes over. Well...

Me: LOL So apparently there's a town in Michigan named "Hell". And it froze over. Giuseppe's morals should be arriving annnnnnny day now.

Friend: LOL And it ain't even my birfday. 

Stand By Your (Wo)Maaaaaaan

It is not often someone gets their very own tag on this here blog. A tag is a symbol of Walk of Fame-esque status because it means our conversations are so hilarious/blasphemous/inappropriate that I find myself laughing about them days or even weeks later. And Miss AK certainly deserves her own tag. And in record time too, she and my cousin have only been dating about five months. Like myself, Miss AK has absolutely no filter between her brain and her mouth so you never know what she'll say next (I mean, this is the woman who came up with "legato" over Christmas). Over the weekend, the womensz in my life decided to take over the TV and watch a bunch of chick channel movies. So the dudes decided to heckle their movies until they gave up the remote and let us watch what we wanted. It didn't work out as planned. It worked out even better.

Cousin: This is so hokey.

Me: I, for one, am having a great time watching your intelligent women's channel or whatever the hell it is.

AK: Ok, first off, it's Lifetime Movie Network, NOT for intelligent women. Second, the other channel is Women's Entertainment, also not intelligent women. Lastly, and most disappointingly coming from a grammar whore like you, 'intelligent' isn't spelled with an 'E'. Do you have anything to say, [cousin]??

Cousin: Yes. You're not in any way, shape or form an intelligent woman, babe.

AK: Thank you!!

Then, this morning, there was this little gem:

AK: Sooooo Gabrielle Union is giving out relationship advice...
Y: LOL Girl...
Aunt: Why is that funny?
Cousin: She's the one who's dating the basketball player who knocked up another woman
AK: Yeah. Except now they're engaged.
Aunt: Are you serious??
Me: Yep. They said they were on a "break" to make him look like less of a dog, but social media posts proved otherwise.
Aunt: Jeez...
AK: I mean, seriously? SHE is giving relationship advice? That's like...well, you giving relationship advice.
Me: ...That is true.
Cousin: LOL. Only he has the sense NOT to dish out relationship advice.
Y: Or advice on walking on the moon
AK: Cuz you know about as much about both of those things. Seriously, why are you so terrible at relationships?
Me: 'Scuse you, that's none of your damn business
AK: I mean, just looking at you, I'd assume you weren't very good at them but still...
Me: WTF does that mean??
AK: You know...you look like...
Me: Like...?
AK: You're really going to make me say it? You look like a common whore. Like 'Arthur'. A playboy. Incapable of keeping things together but a hell of a fun ride, while it lasts.
Me: ...I would like to respectfully disagree...but that would be a lie lol
AK: LOL But at least you're honest about it. I take back what I said. You, I would take relationship advice from.
Cousin: LOL Aaaaaaaaand I foresee our relationship dying a horrible, Giuseppe advised death.

Congratulations on your appointment, AK. Well done.

That Time O' The Month

You'll recall this incident from late last year:

Her FB Status: The lady month of my twenties starts tomorrow and oh my damn is this accurate! [link to a story about life in your early twenties vs. your late twenties]
Her comment: LOL Ummm "lady month" should say "last month"... 
Me: LMAO I was like, "You only got one the entire decade?". I guess all those hormonalpalooza fights meant nothing...
Her reply: LOL Bite me

And now, we proudly present the conclusion of that...whatever that was:

Her: Hormonalpalooza 2014 has begun. You have been warned.
Me: *Offers up chocolate and puts on "it's always my fault" t-shirt*
Her: *Puts shank away*
Me: Also, congrats. I know you've been waiting on your lady month for like 9 years now.
Her: lol Bitch
Me: LMAO. Worth. It.

If I could remember important things as easily as I remember non-important things, I'd be on fiyah.

The Final Rose

Y: *sigh* I got all excited when I heard the new bachelor would be Latin. But he's still not my type.

A: Not the dark dude you had in mind huh?

E: lol He looks just like your white boyfriend 

Y: lol Yes, which is why I wanted him to be dark and delicious. So I have some different flavored eye candy.

Me: ...Why are we even talking about "The Bachelor"?

G: Enter the dark and delicious eye candy you crave.

A: LOL

Me: lol Shut up, G.

E: I'm Latin. I look it. I should be the next Bachelor

G: ...You have a girlfriend, E. Do you even know what "bachelor" means?

E: Uh, I've been one most of my life, fool. I know what it means.

R: Giuseppe should be the next bachelor. Have 27 women falling all over him and shit.

A: Yeah, it'd be nice to have all 27 of your women know about one another, huh?

G: LOL 'Seppe was born the ultimate bachelor. Docs probably removed him from the womb, put him in a tiny Hef robe and put a pipe next to him in the incubator.

Y: LMAO. I was there. I can confirm this story.

A: LMAO! That needs to be a movie scene. It would rival the sequence in the beginning of "The Lion King".

Me: LMAO Fuck you, G.

G: Not unless I get the final rose. No hands in the cookie jar til you put a ring on it.

A: He couldn't be the bachelor though because they all turn out to be jackasses. Something about being around 27 women who want you turns them all into douche manwhores.

E: They're also all rich.

R: lol MAJOR kink in the plan, then.

Me: lol But I already have the manwhore thing down

Daniel, My Brother, You're Fickle As Can Be

In four months, I will become an uncle for the sixth time and I'm all kindsa excited about it. By the time the little dude arrives, my nieces and nephews will be; 15 (FIFTEEN!!), 10, 10, 6, and 4. Not to mention, Miss N will be 6. That is just insane, they really do grow up too damn fast. Before I know it, Miss N will be yelling, "But daddy I love him!" and (if she's anything like me) disregarding perfectly good advice, thinking she knows it all and her mother and I know nothing. But I digress. The new nephew is due around my birthday and, keeping with my sister-in-law and brother's tradition, he will be named after a family member. Their oldest son is named after my brother-in-law and I, their daughter is named after our surrogate grandma. But only one of each of their names is taken from someone else, the other name is one not found anywhere in the family line so the kids can feel "unique". As if that weren't enough, all will go by their middle names, their "unique" names (or some form of them). This has made choosing a name for the newbie quite the challenge. He already has his middle, family name so we're after a first name that goes with it. I've taken it upon myself to come up with that name. And if you know me at all, you know I tend to be terrible at naming other people's kids. As my brother says, "Why is it that when you name something of mine, it's an awful name but when you name your kid, it's beautiful?". A good question, indeed. I've been detailing the attempts to name the kid on Twitter and, needless to say, it's not going well. These people don't like ANY name, not even perfectly decent ones. So I've decided to call him Sir Elton, a name that was shot down in flames but that I'm going to use until he's born (ah hell, maybe even beyond). He just strikes me as a flamboyant lad, full of personality and questionable decisions. Fonz knows he's difficult, since he doesn't seem to like any name we give him either. Four months and counting...

I Would Never Wish Bad Things, But I Don't Wish You Well

My first post of the year was about my cousin's ex having tied the knot. Well, surprise, TWO of my exes got hitched over the past week (not to each other, unfortunately). Tiny Jesus Girl married some dude she's been off and on with for awhile and my ex-fiancee also tied the knot with the dude she cheated on me with. I thought Spring/Summer was when peeps got hitched en masse, not New Year's Day. The funny thing is that the ex-fiancee is 40, TJG is 31, I'm 32, and whilst one of my older exes and my youngest ex were getting married on the same night, what was I doing? Well, the answer to that can't be posted here. But I certainly wasn't getting hitched, or anywhere near getting hitched (although, I was in Vegas, so I was closer to marriage than I will ever be again in my life). I'm not sure why, but I never expected TJG to marry anytime soon. Last time we spoke, she said she was "in between" with someone and that was about a month ago (maybe less). From in between to the altar in record time, yo. But I'm happy for her. She deserves the whole fairytale ending thing. As for the fiancee...meh. Had I known about the wedding yesterday, I would've included her in the "Friends In Low Places" blog because that's how I feel about the whole thing. That whole time, and our whole aftermath, was so messy and ridiculous (I've used mostly cliffnotes versions to go through it on here, the full story is rather complicated). The BF and I were talking about weddings and proposals the other night, ironically. She's been engaged twice, married once. I've been engaged once, never married. She's leaning towards never getting hitched again and ya'll know I have no interest in that. But we both wondered out loud what it would be like to be 1000% sure you're proposing to/being proposed to by the right person. Neither of us has done that. I didn't propose with "you're the one, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you" on my mind. Not at all. And now all of that mess seems so far away that I tend to forget I ever was engaged. It seems like another life.

The Last One To Know, The Last One To Show, I Was The Last One You Thought You'd See There

So my cousin's ex-girlfriend tied the knot on New Year's Day with a fella who has some less than desirable traits. They've known each other less than six months, he's been unemployed the whole time, and I hear some of her friends (one of whom is an ex of mine, small world huh) suspect she's not in it for love, but just wanted a wedding. Some sort of misguided "fuck you, I am so too marriage minded" message to the cousin. I mean, her friends think this, which is quite telling. (Note: Screen your significant others for their dysfunction,  y'all. We're all dysfunctional, but there us such a thing as too damn much.) Meanwhile, the cousin is over here chillin' with his new (just dysfunctional enough to be frickin' hilarious) girlfriend and giving zero fucks about the ex. And I'm thrilled for him. He's one of the best people I know. He joked last night about how awesome it woulda been to show up at the wedding and see what kinda verbal smackdown would've occurred between me and her. I have plenty, plenty, to say  but have stayed outta the ring thus far. That conversation reminded me of this song. One of my aunts was obsessed with Garth Brooks in 90's, to the point where no other music ever played in her car. All Garth, all the time. Fortunately, I didn't mind. Everyone remembers him for the cowboy hat he always wore but dude incorporated a lot if different influences and styles into his music. Every time I hear this song, I can't help but sing it. It's a drankin' song. It's a karaoke song. It's a fun song. And it's a relatable one since we all got friends in low places. Lets kick off 2014 by going a little bit country and a little but "in your face, you traded down, you heartless wench!". (Credit for the term "wench" to Agent W).