Got A Problem, You Know I'll Solve It

So she wrote: Burned

Then I wrote: Flashbacks of a Fool

And now she's completed the trilogy (and thank you for telling me my problems and how to solve 'em ;p):

"Relationships Pt. 2

Since I posted Pt. 1 I've gotten feedback from 2 of the 6 bfs I wrote about. I didn't write about them to piss them off but 1 of them got upset so I changed his name. The other 1 took to his blog to write what he thought of our time together and I didn't get to read it until today. He has a history of being too hard on himself so he thinks I was too kind in analyzing us. His blog reminded me of some stuff I'd forgotten about and brought up some stuff I never knew. I had no idea until the very end of our relationship that alcohol wasn't his biggest problem. Had I known the full extent of his extracurriculars I probably woulda been out the door for good earlier. I am an extremely patient and compassionate person but I probably woula encouraged him to do something I know he would have refused and I would have had to end it anyway. I always thought he was drinking too much to numb himself but I didn't know there were other things involved in his numbing process. The only thing I remember about that is we'd been drama free for a month and then I foud some stuff under my bed that had fallen out of his pocket. I thought nothing of it at the time since I knew he was on medication for the aftereffects of his car accident. Looking back there was a lot more wrong with our relationship than I thought. For a long time I've thought that if he'd just dealt with his issues we could've been something great for a long time. But now I can see that we probably would've had to move major mountains to accomplish anything. I always thought it was right person/wrong time but now I'm not so sure. I think fatherhood has changed him for the better and I know that if we were still together he wouldn't have had that opportunity to become a dad. So it would seem that we were always meant to go our separate ways anyway and our time together was only meant to be a learning experience. So what did I learn from him then? I learned how to communicate better and without yelling. I learned that even the best of people will let you down but you can't hold a grudge against them for it, we all make mistakes. I learned that it is possible to connect at the soul with someone but not be in love with them and I didn't think that was possible before. I think my biggest lesson from the relationship was that you can't help someone who isn't in a place to help themselves. He thinks I let him off too easy in my first analysis but I know I didn't. I said what I needed to say and I don't have much bad to say about him as a person. Besides who he is now is not who he was when we dated. But just to make him happy (lol) I will point out what I didn't like about him then that hold true now. He's WAY too hard on himself, he's incurably stubborn and he enjoys making fun of those who cannot sing a note during karaoke (oh and he also CHEATS to win at karaoke). So my new years advice to you love is to chill out when you make mistakes, try and not be so damn stubborn all the time and lay off of those who are tone deaf and keep your clothes on during karaoke for gods sake!"
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*Notes* - I like the term 'incurably stubborn' almost as much as I like 'adorably dysfunctional' (which a friend often uses to describe me). And I have never taken my clothes off to win a silly little karaoke competition! Okay...once but nothing came off, it was just a quick flash. And you're just jealous cuz it worked.

WANTED: Mother/ Father

Why is it assumed that if you're a single parent who has decided to give dating that good old college try that you must be looking for a mother/father for your kid?? Did I miss the memo that says that's what single parents are supposed to be on the lookout for? Cuz it kinda seems like I did. I know some folks won't date people with kids because they know the kid is always going to be the first priority to the person. And that's fine, to each their own, everybody has their dating preferences. But I've noticed recently that there seems to be some kind of disengagement when some people find out you have a kid. My single parent friends and I have come to refer to this as "The Pause". Another single dad I know was out recently with someone and everything was going very well until he mentioned his daughter. Suddenly she leaned back in her chair and couldn't wait to get out of the joint. It's like, "I have a kid" translates to, "My kid needs a mommy/daddy" to some regular old single folks. Obviously some people are looking for a parent for their kid, so I guess I understand that reaction on some level. But to assume we're all looking for that is just stupid.
I've dated one woman who had a son and I knew about him prior to our dating. We even went on an outing as a trio once and it was a lot of fun. I wasn't a father then, nor did I intend to ever be one, but I thought there was something about the way she was with her child that made her that much more attractive. She later went all fatal attraction on me, but I still can say that she's a good parent. I didn't know what her situation was with the kid's dad at that time but I didn't freak out and think she wanted me to settle down right away and parent him. I imagine this problem is probably much worse for single moms since dudes, you know, kinda suck when it comes to such matters. But I didn't realize it was even an issue with women discriminating against single dads. And because it's an immediate disconnect when they find out, they're usually uninterested in hearing anything more about the kid.
I will say that being a parent has not really altered my standards at all. I didn't really need much pre-kid, I don't need much post-kid. I guess the only real set thing is that while I don't mind dating someone with kids, I can't do more than one baby daddy. I'm having a hard enough time navigating me, the kid, her mother and whomever comes along on either of our sides. Can't imagine bringing a bunch of other dudes into the fray. But I know that whomever I eventually end up with will have to understand and be okay with the fact that my girl is always gonna come first for me. It'd be nice if she fell for both me and the kid so there wouldn't be any kind of weird jealousy. My daughter has a mother and she is a tremendous mother. She doesn't need another one. This person is obviously going to be a part of her life but in what capacity...well, I guess we'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it. My thing now though seems to be that I'm VERY protective of who I bring around the kid. She's never met anyone I've dated. Probably sounds very old-fashioned but I don't want to bring a bunch of random women around her. I think it'd be too confusing. I guess I have done the single parent dating thing longer than I thought since I had the teenager prior to the toddler. I didn't like bringing anyone around her either, interestingly enough. Very protective (perhaps just a lil overly so) of all my girls apparently.

And Isn't It Ironic...

I am out of the country for my youngest cousin's wedding. So far, it has been a very interesting trip. It's got a weird vibe since we're all bumming about the death in the family, the best man was stranded in NYC until today and my crazy aunt is hinting about all this possibly being "signs" about the impending marriage. The mother of the bride however is bound and determined to get this thing done (technically it already is done since they did the courthouse thing before we left but mama is demanding a ceremony so a ceremony we will have). Why not throw one more monkey wrench into the situation, the universe must've figured, this one being mine and having nothing to do with the wedding.
I was walking up to my hotel room after we landed and I thought I heard a familiar voice down the hall but I thought nothing of it. I got a few hours of sleep but then the jet lag kicked in and I decided to take a walk downstairs. I made my way down the hallway and about halfway down I ran (literally) into a very familiar face - my ex-fiancee. It wasn't just her but also her daughter, whose father is the dude she cheated on me with. Talk about your awkward silences. We haven't spoken in probably four years. We have seen each other around (she's in the industry, as is the father of the kid) but I've had nothing to say to her and she hasn't dared to say a word to me. She started to say something after she realized who she'd bumped into but I kept walking. Part of me wanted to say something (none of it pleasant) but I knew there was no point.
Since then I've been thinking about how I just don't really care about any of it anymore. Am I pissed about how it happened? Hell, yeah. More at myself for letting the mind-f--k continue than at her for stepping out. But it's all so far in the past now. What is done is done. I have a kid, she has a kid and things have shaken out how they were ultimately always meant to be. But I can't help but think how ironic it is that our lives have turned out similarly, despite us wanting different things when we were together. The biggest thing I sacrificed when we were together was having children, she claimed to never want kids and, at the time, I very much wanted them. I felt like I couldn't see myself living a full life without kids (what a difference a few years makes, huh?). But I guess I thought I was in love (though in hindsight, I now know I wasn't) so I was willing to forget about that little issue rather than make it what it really is, a deal breaker. Now, five years after our bitter demise, we both have biracial daughters (born within weeks of each other, creepily enough) whose other parent is significantly older. Her career has taken a back seat to her being a mother and stepmother, something she never wanted to be (the mother part, I imagine she made peace with being a stepmother years earlier when their affair actually began since he already had kids). It's like a complete future reversal. I was always fine with eventually being a stay at home parent so she could continue on with her career (a last ditch effort on my part to change her mind about kids, but I'd still do it if the circumstances were right). But here she is giving up her career to become a trophy wife and take care of a gang of kids while I somehow managed to end up with the kid I originally wanted and the career still right on track. Seriously have no clue how I managed it, but I'll take it.
I never wish ill on anybody. I'm a big believer in what goes around comes around and karma so I'd like to think everyone gets what's coming to them eventually. I can't say I take any real pleasure in her situation. I don't feel anything about it honestly, which is kinda weird. I'm not a spiteful person but I always thought that I'd feel...I don't know, something if I was ever able to see karma give her a taste of her own medicine. But no...not a thing. Which kinda sucks. I guess I'm just not real sure how to handle a week (at least) under the same roof as her. Different rooms and different schedules, I know but still. It just kinda irks me that she's that close, you know? And that she's come around at a time where I think I'm doing alright and her presence is bringing up all this negativity. I don't need or want that in my life at all. But I'll have to handle it for now and try and ignore it and focus on the wedding and the sightseeing.

Into A World Sick With Racism..

Why is race such a big deal? I took my niece and two of my nephews to a hockey game recently and the people sitting behind us were flipping through a program about the home team, which includes a biracial player and an African American player (both still kinda rare in hockey). They began a conversation about race and how neither of them agreed with "people mixing" and everyone should marry their own color. I learned a long time ago that you can't say anything to people like that to make them change their minds on that subject so it didn't even cross my mind to say anything to them. I was more concerned with the kids, one of whom is mixed, overhearing this crap so I tried to focus their attention on the game. I find it sad that so many people still feel that way about race and I'm hopeful that someday that attitude will die out and everyone sees each other as people instead of as colors.
Few things get me riled up more than racism. I grew up in a predominantly Latino neighborhood and went to schools where about 96% of the student bodies were Latino. One would assume that would bias me towards my own race, I've actually had many acquaintances who thought just that. But my mother is the product of an interracial marriage (my grandpa was White, grandma was Mexican) and without that, she's not here and neither am I, nor my daughter. On top of that, my grandma's best friend was a very proud Italian lady who eventually married an African American dude, as did her daughter who also had five beautiful biracial kids that I consider my cousins. My best friend since birth is half Indian and half White and we were inseparable as kids so I spent a lot of time at her house, which I'm sure had a big effect on me as well. So while some people who hear I was raised in a Latino community assume that I must be...close minded in some ways about race, those who hear the whole story realize I was actually exposed to a ton of different cultures growing up.
I don't remember when I first became aware of race in general, but I do remember a conversation my siblings and I had with my mom when we were about 8-years-old. We'd just come from some Christmas program thing at our school and one of our teachers had come over to congratulate us on our performance and asked where our mom was so she could meet her. Mom was standing right next to us but she's very fair-skinned and we're all dark so no one ever thinks we're related. It was the first time I was conscious of color but I didn't think anything more of it and it eventually became like a game when we went to school events and waited for someone to ask that question about our mother. I didn't feel any less connected to her just because we didn't look the same. And I don't remember much emphasis about race, either in school or in our neighborhood, when I was growing up. People have always just been people to me.
However race played a huge part in how the mother of my child was raised. Being 12 years my senior, she grew up in a different time than I did and was constantly harassed about being biracial. It could've done a number on her self-esteem; growing up in a predominately White environment and knowing that that is half your heritage but you look African American and so are treated as such. But her mother was amazing in letting her know that the people who couldn't accept her were the ones with the problem, as well as helping her embrace both sides of who she is. Fast forward to when we began dating and she had some friends express concern over our relationship, which she assumed was due to the age difference. We later found out it had nothing to do with age and everything to do with race and she immediately cut those people out of her life. She couldn't be friends with anyone who couldn't see the beauty in her having a mixed child.
And so I guess that's why I'm asking now what race has to do with anything, because of my daughter. She has a whole mix of heritages and it's pretty apparent to most people when they see her. In a total genetic curveball, we ended up with a dark blonde, blue-ish/green-ish eyed little girl who is a bit lighter than both of her dark-skinned parents. We're thinking the eyes are from me and our mothers who all have light eyes, and our moms are also probably where she gets the light skin tone from. The hair we're chalking up to her maternal grandma who is blonde. But her hair is also...let's say wild and is the giveaway to her African roots. And, of course I would say this as a proud daddy, she's gorgeous (lucky for her she looks like her mom) and everyone in her life is accepting of everything that she is but I know not everyone throughout her life is gonna feel the same way. We can expose her to all of her cultures and raise her to be proud of who she is, and all that she is, but someday we have to send her out to the big, bad world on her own .No one can protect her from close minded people forever, as much as we'd like to. And that seriously sucks.
My family is full of kids who are a little of everything; two of my cousins are part African American, one of my nieces and one nephew are part Chinese, one nephew is Brazilian and there are sure to be many more mixes in the future since most of us are in interracial relationships. I think that's awesome. But I have cousins on another side of the family who refuse to accept their Mexican heritage and are passing along that form of self-hate to their own kids. I think it's important to know everything you are and even more important to accept it. You may not like it, you may not relate to it but I think you're screwing yourself, not to mention your kids, if you can't be accepting of it. In the end color is such a small part of who we are. What's on the inside is what counts. But you can't cure racism. I tell ya, I have no clue how my family managed to produce such color blind kids but if I did, I'd bottle that stuff and sell it. Not for the money but for something more valuable - my daughter never having to deal with racism.

Christmas Mourning

I was ridiculously excited to see my daughter Christmas Eve morning but not twenty minutes after she walked in the door, we got a phone call about a death in the family. Someone who was a pretty big part of my childhood passed away in the early morning hours of the 24th. I've gone through a lot of emotions in the past 48 hours. My immediate reaction was that I was shocked but not surprised, especially given the rumored cause of death (we won't know for sure until the toxicology results come back in 6-8 weeks). Then I was upset because this person left behind four kids, two of whom are not yet 18 and whose futures are very much in doubt now. But since then I've just been...sad. I feel like I should be doing more, I think the whole family does, but there's nothing any of us can do. It's put a big cloud over the festivities. We had plans to watch Christmas movies and specials all evening and night with the kids on Christmas Eve, which we did and it was oddly therapeutic for everyone. I don't think any of us felt like talking so the movies provided a much needed escape from the swirl of emotions we all felt. It kinda doesn't feel real and I'm half thinking I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll all have been some bad dream.
This one hurts. A lot more than I initially thought it would. This person was hardly perfect and I don't know that she ever really did her best with the hand she'd been dealt but I can remember feeling some kind of weird admiration for her recklessness when I was a kid. There was some kind of safety I felt with her and I didn't realize until she was gone that the time we spent together probably had a larger effect on me than I would like to admit. I've had so many people (particularly girlfriends) tell me that I have some kind of 'reckless safety' about me. They never know what to expect next but for some reason they're still able to just trust whatever is going to happen. I never understood if that was a good or bad thing and they didn't seem to know either. This person had that same air about them and I probably learned part of this behavior from being in such close quarters with her at a fairly young age. It definitely makes life interesting, I'll say that much.
To tell you the truth I was half-expecting something bad to happen soon, not this month but in January, which tends to be a bad month for my family for some reason. I'm now hoping that 2011 kicks off with a whimper rather than a bang. It's interesting though...I don't remember my reaction to being told my girlfriend had passed (either time I was told, actually) but I remember my immediate reaction to hearing of my father's death as being no feeling at all. I literally went blank for ten minutes. My gut reaction to this latest loss was just this tremendous wave of sadness that I haven't been able to shake at all. I'll admit part of that is because of the uncertainty about the kids left behind. But I think so much more of it is just my being...for lack of a better description, majorly bummed out about her not being here anymore. Always in spirit obviously but that's of little comfort right now. I haven't been this gutted in a long time.

I Love The 90's

I've been on a serious 90's Hip Hop/R&B trip of late. I've barely listened to any Christmas music in the past month, which I'm sure I'll regret once the season is over and I have to wait a whole 'nother year to crank it up. I go through music phases a lot and the 90's is definitely my decade. I've discovered a station on my sister's cable box that plays nothing but 90's music 24/7 and I've pretty much been living off of it. I love 90% of the songs they play and sometimes the order of songs adds additional entertainment (for example, as I write this 'Baby Got Back' just ended and now 'I Touch Myself' is playing). I think my renewed fascination with these songs is that there are so many of them I love but haven't heard in awhile cuz my ipod seems to show favoritism towards certain songs when I set my 90's playlist to shuffle (seriously, over 1,000 songs on that playlist and yet I somehow hadn't heard 'Come To My Window' in forever). Then there are times this channel plays songs I heard maybe once throughout the entire decade of the 90's and it plays them every hour or every two hours. There are also a lot of songs that I either can't stand (ie. anything Color Me Badd) or wouldn't really say I love but I remember them from childhood and use them to torment certain family members (say, 'Step By Step' by the New Kids, which I sing to my formerly-NKOTB-obsessed cousin every time it comes on). I could go on and on about my love for 90's tunes but a song I loathe just came on (starts with an M, chorus is sung in Spanish, started a cheesy ass dance craze and I refuse to use the title on my blog) and I cannot locate the remote.

That Loathing Feeling

So another night without any sleep. I should've passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow. Instead, I lie there wide awake, brain running a thousand miles a minute. I hate that. Always creeps up on me too. Then I did fall asleep but had a VERY vivid dream about what's on my mind and I woke up...I don't know. I think I've freaked myself out over-analyzing things. I do this, I get ahead of myself. I hate that about me. I'm constantly reminding myself that everybody is a work in progress and I'm no different. But maybe part of the problem is that I've stopped working on myself and so I'm stalled. I just feel...awful about myself. More awful than I have in a long, long time. I hate that feeling, I almost can't stand it. All kinds of questions...no answers. Ain't that how it goes.

Zombie Banter

I don't know how I feel about situations taking place right now. Or maybe I know exactly how I feel and I'm concerned about it so I'm trying to deny it. It's also very possible I'm just an idiot. I'm also exhausted (hence the post title), so I guess that could have something to do with my current state. I don't know...it's wrong, it's right...it's nothing, it's something...but then I get wrapped up in the details and I back away. Then I think of how it makes me feel and I work myself up and move in again. Then I'm reminded of things that complicate it that are beyond my control and I get bummed out. I start to think about the possibilities but stop myself from getting too far ahead. I guess I'm stuck on the line between this insane curiosity I have about it and the reservations I have about it. And whenever I start to make some progress, whichever side was losing the fight swoops in and pulls me right back to the line. And so on the line I stay. And it's annoying. And I don't know how to fix it or change it. Hard to explain. So I guess it all comes back down to feelings. And I'm either too afraid to deal with those cuz I'm not sure it's even possible to feel what I might or...? That is the big question. Maybe I should get some sleep and then re-examine things.

A Long, Strange Trip

It's hard to pick a crazy aunt in a family tree full of nuts (funny, smartass nuts, not loony tunes nuts). But my crazy, and quite possibly my favorite, aunt is a relatively new addition to my life. Years ago my family had a falling out with a group of extended family members and some people got lost in the shuffle as a result. Basically that part of the family was all about greed and money and my side did not take well to being robbed blind or assisting in the robbing of others so everybody scattered. Two of my great aunts were lost during that time and didn't reconnect with us until about a year ago. Separately these women are an insane amount of fun, put 'em together and you have one hell of a party. But when I was a kid I was much closer to one of them than the other. Some things never change. We didn't speak much after my grandma died and not long after that is when the break happened. I can't remember why we lost touch prior to that. She came around after my accident but had some drama with her ex-husband soon after and we ended up apart again. It wasn't until last Christmas that both my aunts came back into the fold.
Once my aunt invited me to a barbecue her company was having. It became clear not long after we got to the park that she had other reasons for inviting me, she was trying to hook me up with one of her co-workers. She introduced us, the co-worker shook my hand, said hi in a barely audible tone and then was silent the rest of the meeting, though she continued to stare at me and smile. Back in the car my aunt asked if I wanted to go out with the co-worker and I declined. Her reply was that I needed to get off of my ex and onto a woman who appreciated me. That was followed by, "Or underneath a woman. Whatever position works for you." My brother nearly died laughing in the backseat as this was taking place. About a month ago, during a visit to see me and my daughter, I overheard her talking to my best friend in the living room and she said the word 'Frontin''. I don't know, or want to know, what that was about but it was a strange moment for all but her. This is also the same aunt who thinks the turkey pan induced burn on my wedding finger means I'm either off down the aisle soon or doomed to being a bachelor. Sense a pattern of unpredictability here? Yeah, that's probably why she and I get along so well.
As of Friday the majority of my family is now in one place and enjoying each other's company (okay, and a fair amount of holiday spirits). My family's house is a little like a frat house in that there's always something happening at the family home and thus always a steady stream of people in and out. This is especially true during the holidays. My mom is taking advantage of this by recruiting a bunch of us to help her finish a gift for some of the grandkids. It's a project that requires a lot of painting and gluing and has kept a lot of us in the basement working to try and get it done in a week. My cousins and I have learned that the work flies by when we crank on some 90's music, drink a little nog and make smartass comments towards each other. (Cuz nothing says the holidays like saying, "I'm pretty sure your last boyfriend was gay" or "Have you always been this slow?" to your family members.) My crazy aunt wandered in to see how we were doing and sat down next to me as I was painting. Almost immediately she started talking about someone who is perfect for me and asking if I wanted to meet her. My cousins just sat and listened to the harassment until she said something about this person being a "good girl," by which I'm assuming she meant a good woman. But my cousins couldn't pass up the opportunity to mess with me and told her that she'd never sell a "good girl" to me. She pondered this for a second before saying, "Oh...you mean because she's not one of those street ladies who's a bedroom freak?". But wait, it gets better. I told her I didn't need dating help as my cousins egged her on. She continued, "You can't marry for the sex. Is that why you've gone through so many women? Are you sleeping with a freak bedroom lady now?". It was like an orgy (pun intended) of questions in my head that I never wanna hear anyone that much older than me ask. Still, she continued, "What was wrong with [insert ex-g/f's name] in bed? She would've made a good mother. How come there's no place for that in the freak bedroom/street lady thing? Oh, cuz it's about the sex only huh?". Everyone is DYING laughing at this point, myself included, and then BBD's "Poison" comes on. My best friend started taunting me about how I love to rap that song, a rap that includes the word 'ho' a couple of times. Upon hearing this my aunt asked if I had "an unusual fascination with hos," then turned her attention to asking what certain lines of slang from the song meant. Finally, she was quiet for a few minutes and once everyone else calmed down, I turned to my crazy aunt and told her that exchange was worse than when I heard her say 'Frontin''. Her reply? "I meant frontin' like I know. You know what that means? The kids say it." Yes, I know what it means I told her. I also mentioned that I don't think 'the kids' use that phrase anymore. She said, "How would you know? You're pushing 30, you're not one of the kids I was talking about," and then she walked out to go play poker. So after all of the interrogating, she leaves me with an insult. The most wonderful time of the year? Ask me if that's really true after another two weeks with these people ;p

Tales Of A Sub-Par Elf

You know what's funny?

I almost begged my daughter to want anything but a real live monkey from Santa.
And I succeeded.

Then I couldn't find the gift she wanted instead so I set out to get her the next model up.
And I couldn't find it anywhere.

Then I found it but the company wanted to charge me 80 bucks to ship it.
And I did not like that.

Then I found it at a store where I could go physically pick it up but I had to wait in line for an hour at the checkout.
And I did not like that either.

Then I got it home and found the instructions were in Chinese and French only with no pictures (random much?) and I hoped I could read enough French to understand what went where (Speak it? No problem. Read it? Eh...).
And I did surprisingly well with that.

Then the pieces did not fit together the way the instructions said they should. AT ALL.
And that got on my nerves.

Then my mom knocked the whole thing over while trying to take a picture of "Santa's Elf" working.
And I kicked her out of my workshop.

Finally, I slapped a bow on it and locked the door to my workshop, proud of having finished building what has to be a toy manufactured by the devil himself.
And I was tired but happy.

Then I realized I have to figure out how to move it in one week's time without the kid hearing it sliding down the hallways and up the stairs.
And I concluded that I shoulda just gotten her the monkey.

Ah...the joys of parenthood at the holidays.

I Pledge Allegiance...

I got to watch a documentary recently about the hoops people have to jump through to become American citizens. My youngest nephew was adopted from outside the U.S. and it's been a bit of a nightmare for my sister to get everything in order for him. But it's been much easier (and less expensive) than it is to go through the naturalization process as an adult. I think a lot of Americans take for granted how lucky they are to have been born in this country and their citizenship becomes an afterthought. You don't truly appreciate the luxuries and rights you're guaranteed just because this is your birthplace. What really gets me are Americans who claim they are 'native' to this land. Everyone's ancestors came to this country from somewhere else and it was by no means originally a 'white' land as so many try to claim. The U.S. is built on many different faiths and colors, that's what allowed it to thrive and become what it is today. Unfortunately, it's also become an incredibly cocky nation and a good amount of people don't take advantage of basic things like voting. My mom has always said that if you don't take part in voting you have no right to complain about your government. I'll never forget the first time one of my best friends voted in an American election, he was so excited. He appreciated it more because he knew not everyone got the chance to have a say in how their country is run.
The process to go from entering the U.S. on a visa to green card status to becoming a naturalized citizen is ridiculously long and expensive. The movies like to glamorize it as you meet an American while here on vacation or work, you fall in love and get married and you're an instant American citizen and everyone's happy. In reality, you would have to prove your relationship was legitimate and then likely wait months or years for an official decision on whether or not you get that status. Hell, my cousin married a Canadian five years ago and she still has not gotten an official decision on her status. No matter which avenue you use to become a naturalized citizen, you have to fill out a million forms and take the test filled with questions that I know a lot of people born and raised in this country don't know the answers to. I mean, I'm shocked at how many people don't even know the words to Pledge of Allegiance or "The Star-Spangled Banner". (You really want chills, go to ANY Canadian sporting event and listen to every single man, woman and child sing every word to "Oh Canada". Yeah...it's Canada but you get my point). Once you travel to other countries you realize the difference between there and here and you can understand why people leave behind everything; kids, spouses, parents, to come to America. People risk their lives to get here. And once they do they're amazed at how much Americans have access to, even very basic things. I think they're much more appreciative than most Americans because of what they have to go through to get here and because they know how much worse the conditions are back where they came from.
Obviously illegal immigration is a huge issue right now but I don't understand people who want to round up everyone here illegally and send them back to where they came from, whether they have children born here or not. How do you lack that much compassion that you're willing to tear children away from their parents like that? I know for a fact the foster system is not the answer, I've had family members have horrible experiences there. Not to mention it's already overwhelmed and adding more kids is only gonna make that problem worse. The majority of those here illegally (and it's not just Mexicans, though you wouldn't know it the way the media focuses on the issue) actually do want to obtain legal status. But it's been made so difficult and expensive by the government that it hasn't been an option for them. And any person who says they should just stay in their home country if they can't afford the process should put themselves in the shoes of the immigrant. If you were being oppressed by your homeland's government and were living under the constant threat of violence, would you honestly just stay put with your family and wait for it to happen or would you try and do anything you possibly could to get them somewhere where they can have a better life, even if that meant crossing a border illegally? Of course you would if you want the best for the people you love. But no one thinks that way, no one ever walks a mile in someone else's shoes because it's not their problem. Instead they continue to try and find ways to evict people from the country because they're supposedly dangerous and taking jobs away from Americans. I don't understand the mentality of people who gain happiness by trying to keep other people down, be it illegal immigration or gay marriage.

Engaged & Confused

I love and admire my second-to-youngest cousin, he's an amazing artist and he's Jeopardy-smart, minus the social awkwardness. I adore his girlfriend of 7 years, (she, the lucky recipient of that Wii tennis racket last year), she's like a sister to me. I'm very protective of both of them which has proven difficult at times given their tendency to go off and on over the years. They were young when they met, 17 and 20, so it's not unusual to have growing pains. But to move out and call an end to your relationship every, oh 6 months or so is more than a minor growing pain.
They've been break-ups to make-ups since around the time she turned 20 and in January of this year it looked like it was finally for good. The entire family mourned cuz the girl just fit in with us from day one. But we understood that they had to do what felt right for them so we were supportive. By May, they were very much back on and seemed happier than ever. So happy in fact that he came to me in late June saying he wanted to ask her to marry him and asking me to help him come up with a clever way to propose. But two days before he'd planned to ask she said something that seriously hurt and upset him and he broke it off (again) "for good". I don't think it should have been as big of a deal as he made it (and, okay I was also miffed that my awesome proposal idea was never to see the light of day...or dark of night, as it woulda been) but I supported him (though he knew I was also still in contact with her).
They didn't speak for the next two months, he didn't even wanna hear her name. Then she had a minor health scare and coaxed him back into the fold. Now, four months later, he contemplating proposing again. This time, having thought about it much more, I'm urging him to wait. She's 24, he's 27 and I know she wants to marry him someday but not now. It's like he's got this idea in his head that marriage should be the next natural step so they should just take it. She feels like they're together for good this time but she also wants to give their relationship the best chance to thrive and thinks waiting is best. Neither of them have told the other any of this yet so we'll see how it shakes out. I hope they've evolved enough as a couple to work it out without having to break-up again.
Meanwhile, my sometime friend, sometime enemy cousin who is one month older than me almost to the day is involved in marriage drama of his own. I wrote awhile back that he wanted to propose to his girlfriend of two weeks. They've known each other a few years but were both taken at the time, he was engaged to a long-time girlfriend and she was married. Fate threw them back together again recently and they've both fallen head over heels but are very far apart on what should come next. He wants to marry her like yesterday and start a family next year. But she's not yet officially out of a bad marriage (the paperwork is held up) and is wanting to spend more time building her career, something she neglected for her estranged husband. My cousin never had a relationship with his abusive father and it's very important for him to have kids of his own. But he's very much about "doing it right", which means marriage before kids. She's more about letting whatever will be...well, be. She's over marriage because she's never known a good one and he's anxious to put a ring on it cuz he's got baby fever. Again, a total disconnect there and a lack of communication. I don't want them to just keep going like this until they absolutely have to deal with it and fall into an on/off thing. Things like marriage and kids should be on deal breaker lists in general; if you both want it, you want it, if you don't, you don't and if you're both on the fence and you're okay with that, then that's your path. The sooner you determine which of those is you, the better off your relationship will be. If you wait forever to deal with it, and I know this from experience, it will come back to bite you.

Girls, Girls, Girls

One of the best things about the holidays for me is being with all of my family and getting to just talk and hang out. I love my family. They are the most wonderful, open, loving bunch of goofs you could ever hope to meet. They pretty much adopt anyone my siblings, cousins and I bring around, be it a significant other or friends. The only downside to my family (on a good day anyway) is that there are so many of them that it's hard to keep up with everybody. It's become an even bigger battle to try and stay close as my generation has grown up. I come from a family whose DNA seems to be biased towards girls. My mom's generation had 14 girls vs. 4 boys, mine has 12 girls vs. 7 boys but two of those boys didn't come into the fold until high school so us 5 boys were basically easy prey for the girls during our childhood. (Being around so many women comes in handy now but we didn't much like it then). My daughter's generation is about even at 8 girls vs. 7 boys but not even half of my cousins have had kids yet so that number could still tilt either way.
By the time my mom and co. were my age, they were all married and/or had kids. The great irony here is that, because few of them went to college higher education for me and my peeps was non-negotiable. College usually takes you into your early or mid-20's, a time when few folks are thinking about a ring and a house full of kids, especially in that kind of atmosphere. So now we all have college degrees but we're also behind the so-called curve of making our parents grandparents. Of course another part of the reason for the delay is that times have changed from when my mom was my age. People are waiting longer to start families now, waiting until their careers are solid. People are waiting on 'The One' who is seemingly taking forever to get here. My generation (sans me) is great at long-term relationships but we haven't had a lot of weddings. Some of us just don't believe in marriage, much to the chagrin of our elders. But I've noticed the girls in our family seem to get more leeway on the wedding biz. If one of them were to elope there would be a minor ripple in the family waters. One of the boys does the same thing and it's a rogue wave. Back when marriage was still a real possibility for me I was totally on board with eloping but couldn't shake the thought of my mom's hands around my neck when she found out I'd done it. One of my cousins proposed to and married his lady on the same night which I guess counts as an elopement. But they couldn't figure out how to tell his parents so they just didn't. In fact, everyone on her side knew and everyone except our elders on our side knew until a few months ago when his brother let it slip and their mother had a cow (btw, Happy 8th Anniversary you crazy kids!).
Now sensing that there may not be many weddings to come from my problematic generation, the elders are hanging on to every walk down the aisle they can get. So my youngest cousin's wedding in two weeks is the hottest topic at this time. But it's not just about her wedding. It's also, "When are you gonna get married?" for my sister and her man of 12 years and my cousin and his on/off girlfriend of 7 years and, "When are you gonna have [more] kids?" for; me, my aforementioned eloped cousin, my soon-to-be-newlywed cousin, and my brother. (Why I am included in that since I am not married or close, not to mention unable to produce a baby on my own, I don't know). The funny thing is that those questions seem to be prompting actual thought amongst us, rather than just being brushed off. The Non-Marrieds are asking the Til Deaths about how marriage really is and the Til Deaths are asking the Non-Marrieds if parenthood is as scary as advertised. It could just be cuz of the season but I'm kinda sensing that 2011 could be filled with new babies and maybe even one or two strolls down the aisle. That'll result in even more people to keep track of. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Lay Down Your Arms, Give Up The Fight

My decision to not think about custody issues until next year fell by the wayside yesterday when the mother of my daughter called and asked if we could meet to discuss where we stand. I went to the meeting expecting nothing more than another argument or demand of some sort. I don't like to believe the worst of people or their intentions but the way things have gone down the past few months, I had no reason to expect it'd be pretty. I love when I'm wrong. It turned out to be wonderful. It was like she realized that making this ugly is going to accomplish nothing so why even go there. For the first time in a long time she resembled the person I always knew she was. It took an hour to sort out custody, though it's not yet official and the holidays are still up in the air. But for the most part we got everything decided and she even added an extra element to the agreement that I hadn't even thought of but am thrilled about. It's like the animosity and the threats are just gone, I hope for good. I'm totally thrown by how it all went down. It's like some kind of early Christmas gift. And the best one I could ever hope for.

Giving & Receiving (Gifts, That Is)

I have a confession to make - I am a chronic last-minute holiday shopper. I really try not to be and I never wait until the very last-minute and go out on Christmas Eve but time just gets away from me during the winter months (could have something to do with my spiked nog intake). The good news is that although they may not get wrapped until two days before Christmas, my gifts are usually pretty damn awesome (this is one of the rare things I commend myself on). Last year, I gave one of my friends a Wii tennis racket that says 'You suck' in my voice every time she takes a swing. It may be my favorite gift I've ever given. Every year at around Halloween I really start listening to stuff my loved ones talk about wanting or needing. Since they usually say it and then forget about it (and really, how bad did you really want it if you forgot about it so quickly, but I digress), they're pleasantly surprised to see it on Christmas morning. I like giving people something they want and need instead of just something they want (except for my mom, who deserves everything she wants but last year thwarted my attempts to get her anything she needed or wanted). I didn't believe it until I became a big kid but I really do enjoy giving gifts more than receiving them.
Growing up Christmas at our house was awesome in every way, totally go big or go home kinda stuff. My mom is very creative and always had projects to get done and baking for us to help her out with. There are a million pictures of our house and how it was decorated, pictures of us kids dancing in my great grandparents basement. Looking back I'm even more in awe now of all of it because we didn't grow up with much in terms of money but somehow there were always presents under that tree. Christmas Eve we all got pajamas, we had to wait until after Santa's visit to get toys. But they were always worth the wait. The best presents I ever received as a kid were a keyboard when I was 8, my own guitar at 10 (until then my sister and I had to share my mom's guitar) and a pogo stick when I was 12 (which made a horribly annoying squeaky sound every time I used it but I didn't care). I can't honestly think of the best gift I've ever received as an adult but a few years ago my uncle decided to get everyone Nerf guns and that turned out to be a lot of fun. It was a day-long battle with foam darts flying everywhere and everyone felt like a kid again.
This year my family has decided to issue a challenge; all gifts given on Christmas Eve have to be homemade. My aunt says she came up with it because she thinks it's a shame that a family full of so many creative people has never put all that craftiness to use for each other. I don't mind it at all and I think it's gonna be good for the kids. I immediately knew what I was gonna make for my mom and my niece solicited my help in making her gift for her parents. All I'm gonna say is it involves building something from scratch and we're gonna wing it and see how it turns out. Fortunately we still have time to fix it if it doesn't turn out the way she wants. Some people may think this challenge adds to an already insane holiday season (my girl still hasn't seen Santa yet and I wanna get her there before she changes her mind back to wanting a monkey). But I believe that it really is the thought that counts and having to make something for someone requires even more thought that buying something. Should be interesting. And I'm always up for a challenge.

I See All You Give Up And I Try To Be As Much

Hopefully everybody has someone in their life whom they look up to and aspire to be like. I'm not talking about idolizing a celebrity just because they're famous. I mean people who are seriously deserving of the title 'Hero'. Like someone who devotes themselves entirely to making the world a better place and expects nothing in return, truly selfless people (think Gandhi and Mother Teresa). They don't always have to be known the world over for what they've done, my heroes aren't. They haven't cured any diseases or stopped civil war. They're more like everyday heroes, people who chose to do the right thing when the wrong one would've been far easier.
My great grandfather was born into a family of twelve kids who all began working on the family farm while they were still kids. He worked as a cook (and a damn good one) throughout his twenties before a construction job moved him from his home state. Shortly after this move he met my great grandmother, a single mother eight years his senior with three kids at a time when that still carried a huge stigma. She was going through a hellish divorce from an drunk and abusive man who had left her no other choice but to flee to California in order to get away from him. She'd had to leave the kids behind while she sorted herself out and would write them letters explaining the situation as best she could and also send money for their care. As soon as the divorce was final she returned to the state to find that her now ex-husband had not given the kids any of her letters and had used the money for himself. He had told them their mother had abandoned them and was never coming back so all three kids were understandably very upset when she came back seemingly as if nothing had happened. Still, inside of all this, my gramps fell for her and her kids and he brought a kind of stability to the situation and showed her what a functional, loving marriage was. He's helped raise three generations of kids (he's a great, great grandpa now), two generations of which would have seriously tested the patience of lesser men. My great grandparents were married 52 years before grandma passed away. He took care of her from the day they met until the day she died. She would make smart ass remarks towards him or call him a jackass for no reason while watching one of the many telenovelas they loved so much, but he'd always just smile and make a comment about what a firecracker she was. I idolize this man because he is just pure, unconditional love. He's smart and funny and had such belief in his relationship with the woman he loved and totally devoted himself to being a family man, even though it wasn't in the way he probably expected. I'm beyond thrilled that my daughter gets to interact with him on a regular basis.
My grandma was one of the victims of my biological great grandfather's mind games brought on by the divorce. She held resentment for her mother for a long time but they found a way to get along and have some kind of relationship. My grandma is one of those people who made a better grandparent than she was parent, although I know she struggled to raise her seven kids on her own after her husband was killed in his early 30's. I think her mom drama played a huge part in her being a decent but not necessarily good parent to her own kids. She was thrilled when she started having grand kids and, though she disliked our father, even more excited that my mom was bringing a new baby into the household. That new baby turned into three babies within a two year period, all of whom would spend their days at home with grandma while mom was at work. But she knew how to reel us in and keep us entertained and she enjoyed every minute of it. All three of us were especially close to her because of the close living quarters, but none more than my little brother. She'd always had health problems and passed away unexpectedly when I was about 9 and I can remember being in the hospital and hearing she was gone and feeling nothing. I mean, absolutely nothing. It was the strangest feeling I've ever felt to this day. I remember having all these plans of going to college and how proud she was gonna be because of that since no one had every finished that level of education in our family. She was an amazing grandma to have.
My mom and uncle had to find a way to make things work in our house after my grandma died. We weren't old enough to be alone while they worked so we were passed around between family members or, more often, after school care programs of some sort. A year later the aunt who had walked the halls of the hospital with me making sure I was alright just hours after she'd lost her own mother, left her abusive husband and moved into our house with her two kids. Now our household had expanded to six kids and three adults and it was probably way too crowded for the adults but the kids loved it. Everyone got along so well. All three of them committed themselves to raising these kids and making sure they were happy and healthy and had everything they needed. My mom dated some and actually became engaged at one point but it didn't work out. My aunt and uncle rarely dated, they say because they didn't want to break up us kids if someone met somebody and decided to move out. It was a non-traditional family in a lot of ways but it was all we knew. So many parents put what they want before their kids, even while claiming that they're all about their kids. My mom, aunt and uncle were completely selfless in choosing to devote themselves to us. I think it takes kids a long time to really appreciate their parents and what they did for them growing up, some don't fully grasp it until they become parents themselves. But I always kinda knew how rare mine were as people. Yes, there were some times in high school (actually more in junior high) where I was embarrassed by something they did. But I can remember having a pretty long leash as teenagers whereas my peers seemed to be held much closer by their parents. My mom, aunt and uncle are still overprotective and opinionated about certain things in our lives. But I know it's all because they love us and are always gonna think they still know best. I'm sure it's gonna be the same kinda thing for me when mine is an adult. I hope my mom, aunt, great gramps and uncle are all around for a long time to come to watch her grow up so she can bask in their awesomeness and learn what it really means to love unconditionally.

And Then It Was Done

I've written before that I believe that people come into your life for a reason. Some are meant to stick around long-term and others serve their purpose and leave and you both move on with your lives. I've also written (a lot) about a certain person in my life with whom I've had a complicated three year journey with. It has never been an easy journey. She has problems with commitment and she makes you force things out of her rather than straight up telling you when something's wrong. But for the bad qualities, there are also good ones. She makes me laugh and she calls me on my crap and she doesn't let me get away with anything. We both had our chances to walk away and say it was done for good but neither of us ever did. So we became each other's crutch. If I'm single and need some kind of pick-me-up, I give her a call. If she's single and needs to vent, she calls me. And it's a weird sort of security blanket knowing that we're always just on the other end of the line. She was there for me when my father died and I supported her recently when she lost a close family member. And that is when things started to change.
Not long before I got the call about her loss, I'd written a long, rambling blog about how I felt torn about the state of our relationship. I knew deep down that the best thing was for me to end our relationship entirely but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. In the weeks after that I found myself settling back into a 'what's the harm' kind of attitude about continuing the way we were. I spent about a week with her while she coped with her loss and I could feel something changing between us, though I couldn't tell you what. At first I thought it was just that semi-awkwardness that had occurred when I saw her family at the funeral (ah the irony - half of them have liked me from the start, the other half didn't for religious reasons but all have been on board with us getting back together since I showed up for the funeral). Then I thought about her the entire plane ride home and it crossed my mind that I may have just seen her for the last time but I convinced myself I was overreacting and let it go. We have seen each other off and on the past month or so but not in a dating kind of way (you know the kind of way I mean) and it was fantastic. It felt like we were at this crossroads where anything could happen; she could finally commit and we could try again or this was gonna be the last hurrah (why do people say that anyway?) and we were gonna be done. Like we were gambling with house money, nothing to lose even though there was seemingly a lot at stake. Well...you gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em kids. Know when to pick up your marbles and go home, as a friend would say.
I know now why I couldn't cut her out of my life a few months back. We weren't done yet. Part of me felt like I didn't need her anymore but it turns out that she needed me one last time. Funny how that stuff works out. Last night we talked and, in a matter of about twenty minutes, our entire three year story came to close. It wasn't a total shock, I've felt like something was irretrievably lost between us for about a week now. But the way it went down, her showing up and saying she wasn't feeling it anymore and me agreeing, was not what I would have expected. And yet I don't feel like we deserved anything more, any kind of "better" ending (if there is such a thing for this situation). I've never fallen out of love before and I'm not sure if that's what this is now. Maybe I fell out a long time ago when she couldn't commit for the umpteenth time. It's kind of a weird feeling right now. I'm kinda sad but not really. I'm not upset at all. I don't really hurt at all. I'm oddly at peace with it all.
So what have I learned...I guess this situation has re-enforced my belief in the 'everything happens for a reason' philosophy. I think I learned a lot about myself during the course of our relationship. In some strange way, she brought me closer to my faith or at least made me realize that I'm more spiritual than I'm willing to admit. She changed my mind about some things for the better. She helped me with the realization that I probably will never want the marriage thing and may not want anymore kids and that that's alright. She helped me stop the giant ticking clock I had in my head about having to be "settled" by a certain point in time. She helped me make peace with the word 'beautiful'. Because of her, I learned what I do and don't want in any future relationships. I learned that maybe I'm getting too old for the friends with benefits situation. It was a hell of a ride and it didn't end the way either of us expected it to but for me it's not about what went wrong right now. It's about what went right and how this went exactly as it was supposed to. And it's about how I am coping fantastically well (and more importantly in a healthy way) with the end of an important relationship, something I haven't done in YEARS. And that feels awesome.

When Your Vice Is The Illusion

I've written before (I think) about the pause that I get every time I tell somebody about my year from hell. If I mention just my girlfriend's accident or just my accident, there's a short pause. If I mention them both, it's a long pause and a sympathetic look. Then there's usually some weirdness for awhile after that, I'm not sure why. I guess because most people don't know what to say about something that major. It's just as hard for me to understand being on that side of things as it is for people to understand being on my side, which I wouldn't wish on anybody. I was all kindsa screwed up physically in the aftermath of everything. I've mentioned the surgeries, the brain issues and the physical therapy (which I hated) but have never gone into detail about the supposed mental state I was in at the time. There was concern from my doctors that I had intentionally tried to off myself and that it had been a coincidence that the driver I chose to crash my car into was drunk. (Thankfully the cops determined that wasn't true cuz it wasn't. First, I would never take myself out under any circumstances and second, I would never intentionally harm another person in that way). But while still operating under this theory, the hospital brought in every head analyzer they could find to interview me and try and determine my state of mind. The overwhelming consensus was post-traumatic stress disorder and depression and all recommended I begin some sort of counseling as well as medication. I refused both for months and instead focused on my physical therapy. For some reason I had this mistaken belief that if I could just get back to walking and using things and words correctly again, life would be how it was before. That determination is what helped me accomplish all of those things much more quickly than my doctors thought I would. But it also helped me linger in my illusions for that much longer and delayed my emotional recovery. I became almost addicted to the illusion for a long time and it infected every relationship I had.
My doctors and my family were constantly on me to try medication and especially to get into some sort of counseling program to deal with my feelings and thoughts but I remained resistant. It wasn't always just because of the illusion aspect, it was also because my stubbornness took over and faked being fine. Finally, to get everyone off my back, I agreed to medication. Then I abused it. My mom continued to hassle me to talk to somebody so I went to one session but lied and said I was continuing to go. I completely took my family and friends for granted during this time because here they were researching everything they could about TBI and PTSD and trying to find the latest therapies but I was making no effort at all. It seems like the more doctors confirmed my diagnosis, the more determined I became to not take their advice. It's always easier to run than it is to deal. I eventually did learn how to cope without meds or extensive therapy. I've found, especially in the last year, that writing and making peace with my girlfriend's family have been the keys to my finding my way out of the fog. She's been gone eight years and I'm just now able to really talk about the good times (and bad) and look at her picture again. Progress I never thought I would make but also never thought could take so long, if that makes any sense.
There are two types of people in the world; those who really know what tragedy and trauma are and those who don't. I tend to get along better with the former. I click better with people who have had to fight to become who they are. I don't talk about my accident much anymore because it makes most people around me uncomfortable. But I was recently dragged into an outing with a friend who brought along someone that works with trauma victims. Major props for that, I know what a pain in the ass we can be when we don't wanna deal and I know how majorly damaged we can be in general. But this chick seemed fascinated by trauma vics and was wanting to get into my head and know every detail about how I got through it. And this was all before the (much needed) drinks arrived. I mean, seriously? I have no problem talking about it with somebody I like and am comfortable with. I actually welcome talking with people who are genuinely curious because I don't think I've fully dissected it myself, which is hard to do when no one around you wants to relive it. But to go right off the bat and want to get into the psyche of a trauma survivor...I don't know, it kinda creeped me out. I don't think it was so much the questions as it was the morbid fascination she seemed to have with trauma in general that was weird, wanting to know all the gory details and such. I just got the feeling that she hasn't gone through a whole lot in her life but wishes she had a story to tell, you know? I can't stand people like that. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing if you've never gone through anything traumatic. I think it's amazing that some people are blessed enough to never experience the most negative of life. But I've found it's made for more interesting people when they have to overcome something. I'll admit that I like some drama or struggle in a partner because I feel like I can relate better to someone who has had to battle to become who they are. And I enjoy hearing stories about how people have overcome something but this was not that. Maybe I just didn't get where she was coming from but still...creeped me out.

Thirty Years Gone

Uncomfortable Parental Situations

Having the sex talk with your kids (or kids you're close to) is never a comfortable situation. Fortunately my teenager had already had that convo by the time we started our awkward journey of growing up together. But we've still had to have mini-conversations about sex that are uncomfortable for the both of us. Still, I'm glad she has me (or the female best friend) to go to when she needs to talk about something. Awkward as it is, better to be safe than sorry and I'm happy she knows that at such a young age cuz it seems to be a harder lesson to learn these days.
I've never been uncomfortable talking about sex in general. My first exposure to the topic was when I was around 9 and my mom took us to a bookstore and everyone spread out to look at whatever interested them. The three of us kids were ready to go but she was still looking at something and took forever to finish and the next day we found out why. She handed us each the same book called, 'Where Do Babies Come From?' and told us to read it. The pictures are hysterical (I recently found it in a box in the basement) and I wish I could remember what 9-year-old me thought when he saw them. They were very basic pictures obviously and, as was typical with potentially embarrassing topics in our household, we didn't ask questions and mom didn't ask if we had questions and on about our lives we went. That same year my sister and I had a sex-ed class in fifth grade that was laughable and again in seventh grade (at a Catholic school), which wasn't much better. It wasn't about staying abstinent but they didn't hand out condoms either, it gave a very general description of what went where and assumed we could figure out the rest I suppose.
Flash forward to high school when two out of three of us were sexually active and mom was none the wiser about it. Until she found a condom wrapper in the bottom of a trash can. She didn't say anything but she looked at all of us weird for the next two months and asked if there was anything we needed to tell her in that way that moms do (you know the tone I'm talking about). None of us said a thing and she must've figured that she shouldn't make a big deal out of it since we seemed to be practicing safe sex anyway. I mean, what could she do really? Grounding us wouldn't have stopped it. Telling us not to do it wouldn't it have stopped it either. It's just the law of the teenager; the more you tell me not to do it, the more I wanna do it just because (which is why abstinence only programs tend to not work).
When I was in high school, throughout the entire four years, I knew of only two girls who became pregnant. I didn't know either of them but I had half of my classes with one and I felt bad for her because she was ignored by most of her peers and I knew the father wasn't at all involved (everybody knew their drama). But was he ignored by his friends or classmates? Of course not, cuz it was perceived to be her fault that she "let" herself get pregnant. Other than those two pregnancies, I don't remember sex being a big issue at my high school. Obviously a lot of us were doing it but we weren't making a big deal about it during school hours. The school didn't have to do anything to discourage overly sexual behavior nor did they have to hand out condoms because they had a ton of expectant mother roaming the hallways.
As the father of a daughter who will never date (wishful thinking, I know but let me live in my denial as long as possible okay?), I'm concerned about how soon kids, and especially girls, are being exposed to sex nowadays. Not to mention the pressure that goes along with it. I've heard horror stories of sex bracelets (given out according to what a girl has or hasn't done), sex competitions and pregnancy pacts. Then you have shows on MTV that seem to glorify teen pregnancy (have a baby and get on the cover of a magazine, kids!). Anyone who has seen ten minutes of one of these shows can tell you how ill-prepared those kids are for parenthood. And they shouldn't be prepared, they should still be kids worrying about trivial stuff like dances and crushes. I don't think those shows cover enough about the aftermath of giving birth to a baby. They don't hammer home that it isn't about being famous or that you're likely not going to spend the rest of your life with the dude who knocked you up and disappeared after you told him about the baby. The one consistent thing on these shows is that about half the hour is spent chronicling the girl trying to get back the "father" who got ghost real soon after she told him she was pregnant (some things never change apparently). Add to all that the cavalier attitude that kids seem to have now about sex (ie. thinking oral sex isn't sex so what's the harm in doing it) and you have one rough world for a parent to raise a kid in.
My 11-year-old niece is well into puberty and is going to be entering middle school next year. I had been counting my blessings that she hasn't asked a single sex-related question yet. But my luck in that area has likely just run out. I'll get to see her soon and she's already hinted in conversation that she has something she wants to talk to me about. I know my sister has had "the talk" with her but I half-expected that she might have something to ask me about at some point. We are insanely close and have been since the day she was born. And that's kinda why I'm freaking out a little. I didn't meet my teenager until she was about 8 so that's a different situation. I've never had this kinda talk with anyone I once held in my arms. That seems like so long ago and I know it's gonna be good practice for when I have to do this with my daughter but still. It's gonna be awkward and I'm gonna squirm and she's probably gonna squirm but it's gotta be done because I want her to be safe and smart. I don't want her to follow the crowd and end up with f**ked up ideals and fall for the lies of some horny teenage boy. *sigh* Why do they have to grow up at all, huh?

"Is This It?"

I had a long conversation today with my best friend about dating and relationships, specifically major mistakes we've made in the past. It all came up because I recently ran into the sister of my ex-fiancee who also happens to be the sister of my best friends' ex-husband (confused yet?). My best friend has always had a habit of dating the brothers of my girlfriends. It started with my very first girlfriend in high school and continued until she got married some years ago to the brother of my ex-fiancee. The wedding was awkward since my ex and I were in the very early stages of our bitter break-up (and everyone there knew it), but I didn't want to rain on the best friends parade so I avoided any major drama. He was the only guy I ever really trusted her with and I was happy they were happy. Until they weren't happy anymore because she majorly screwed up (long story, no cheating involved) and they "divorced" (the marriage wasn't really legal, again, long story). I don't know if it had anything to do with my break-up and the complicated family dynamics going on there or not. But she concluded that their relationship moved way too fast (met and married within a year) and that her fear about marriage was the major contributor to their demise.

The best friend asked me why I proposed in the first place and I opened my mouth to speak then realized I had no good answer to that question. Literally nothing came to mind. I've thought about it a lot since and I can come up with all kinds of answers but nothing that's good enough to justify putting a ring on it. A big part of it was that I was looking to cling to anything that felt good at that point in my life. In hindsight, had I gone with my gut instinct when she told me she wanted to marry me I likely woulda saved myself a ton of trouble. I remember thinking, 'Is this it?' rather than knowing that she was the one. Even as I popped the question, I can remember feeling absolutely nothing when she said yes. But I still dove into wedding planning (alone, that shoulda been a sign) like I was an excited groom-to-be. And even in the preliminary stages of the planning, two months away from what was supposed to be the wedding date, I was terrified. Part of me felt like if I could just get down the aisle everything would be okay, while another part of me knew this was wrong but couldn't put a finger on why it was wrong.

Looking back, I don't even know what it was I saw in this relationship that made me think it was gonna go the distance. She was gorgeous and she was a great friend but there were a lot of other areas where our relationship was severely lacking. If she needed to talk, I would stay up all night long until she felt she had said everything she needed to say. I do that with/for anyone I care about but with her, it was a one-way street. She always had other things to do or sleep to catch up on when I needed to get something off my chest. She was eight years older than me in age but definitely emotionally immature. And she liked to keep secrets (BIG secrets, as I later found out) which I didn't like but I had secrets of my own at the time so I didn't press her on it. If I were in that type of relationship now, it would be over before it began because it was full of everything I don't want or need. It wasn't the outward, in your face drama that I had grown so used to in my other relationships but there was always something unsaid beneath the surface. She didn't try to figure it out cuz she was steppin' out on me the entire time and I didn't try to figure it out because I was fighting a losing battle with my demons and just trying to get by.

I'm wondering if that entire experience is what's put me off marriage entirely. Never say never obviously but I can say with 99.99999% certainty that I will never walk down an aisle as a groom. And I know it's wrong to come to that conclusion based on one negative experience but I can't seem to shake the feeling I have about never tying the knot. Of course that could change if I meet someone and they change everything and that whole cliched scenario. I'm not bitter anymore about it, I wasted too much energy on that. Now it's more like thinking about why I felt compelled to propose to someone who I never could've married and counting my blessings that I did not actually go through with it. It's one of those, 'What the hell was I thinking?!' moments. And a learning experience, no doubt. But you know what's funny? Between the ages of 22 and 27, nearly every woman I dated was over marriage and either never wanted to do it again or do it for the first time. Now most women I'm interested in are all about getting married and having the whole fairytale ending. Ain't that the way it goes.

Monkey Business (Again)

Me: "We can't have a real monkey. Why do you want a monkey anyway?"

Miss N: "(A)Laddin has a monkey!"

Me: "Yeah but his monkey was wild and probably diseased. You don't want a diseased monkey."

My Aunt: "Why don't you ask Santa for something from another movie...like 'Beauty and the Beast'?"

Miss N: "Yeah! I want a beast!!"

Aunt: "I was thinking like a teapot but what the hell, I'm not Santa this year."
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This is a conversation my aunt and my daughter had earlier this week after my daughter told anyone who would listen that she wanted a monkey from Santa Claus. She first said this in mid-November and I figured it would pass and some other nifty toy would catch her fancy so I ignored her request for a monkey. Then after Thanksgiving her mom told her to think about what she wanted Santa to bring her (for real) and she stood firm on her demand for a monkey. Last week she started telling EVERYONE we came into contact with that Santa was gonna bring her a monkey; Starbucks baristas, Target cashiers, kids in the waiting room of the doctors office. I am not sure if she seriously wants a monkey or if she just figures that if she sets the bar that high and makes us feel bad enough for not getting her one, she can get whatever else she wants, (she's 2 but she's also my kid and I was known to do stuff like this at her age). And you know what...it just may work. I'm on the verge of taking her into a Toys 'R Us (or a Babies 'R Us cuz I hear they have a game of Scrabble made out of all chocolate and I want it) and telling her to pick something, ANYTHING for Santa to bring her that isn't a monkey. I know you're thinking, 'Can't you just get her a stuffed monkey?' and no, I can't cuz she specified she wants a real live monkey (I blame the zoo for this). On the upside, she has now convinced my 3-year-old nephew that he would also like a real live monkey so my sister now has the same problem as me. One friend suggested I should tell her that Santa doesn't speak English very well and her request for a monkey got lost in translation (I like this train of thought but I'm gonna save it and whip it out later on in her childhood when I really need it). So here we are a week before she's gonna go see Santa and tell him what she wants and hoping she sees a commercial for something we can actually get her or comes into contact with a friend who has some super cool new toy that she would also like to have. Time is running short on this one. Good news is that the tree is up and she does not seem at all interested in pulling any ornaments off of it or messing with it in any way. One battle down, one to go.

IM Etiquette

I'ma take you back to when the internet was still one of those things that some people had and some people didn't, say 1998-99 or so. A time when chat rooms were just finding their place and every message wasn't about clicking somewhere to see someone's triple X pictures. A time when most people were completely clueless about what "a/s/l" or "lol" meant, causing the more experienced internet users to laugh at them (I was the former, not the latter). There were no AIM or MSN or Yahoo messengers, we didn't even know what those were. But by the time I was a sophomore in college, EVERYBODY had AIM and/or a Myspace page. You could be in the same dorm, two rooms away and still choose to message somebody over walking your lazy ass over there to talk to them in person. Suddenly no one I knew could live without being connected to everyone they knew 24 hours a day. Eventually came FB, which was limited to college kids at the time, and everyones MS pages fell by the wayside. I admit to being guilty of the constant connectivity, I had all three of those messengers and tried a few others I couldn't figure out. I didn't have a MS or FB page in college, I came into MS near the end when everyone else was starting to migrate to FB. I was also late to the FB party, I didn't get one of those until about a year ago.
As the ways to communicate grew so did the lingo people used in IM's; LMAO, LMFAO, ROTFL (whole lotta laughing going on apparently), none of which I can say I've used. Then we somehow started to revert back to when we passed notes as kids using "R U" and "OMG" which has sadly become the norm for some people in their e-mails, online profiles, etc. It's a pet peeve of mine when people use that kind of lingo constantly but to each their own. I guess there is no official etiquette for IM's. But I was on a site yesterday that allows members to IM each other, a service I usually have turned off because I don't like to be IM'd by random people, (no, not FB, I don't ignore my FB friends). But I must have accidentally turned it back on because I got an IM from someone who literally typed six smiley faces, said hi and then stopped responding altogether. IM'ing is a reciprocal thing, we both have to be engaged in the conversation for it to work. Not that I'm really upset about it since I wouldn't have responded had this person sent me an e-mail message. I just don't like when people IM randomly like that cuz I feel like it's not really fair I guess. They've already gone through my profile but I haven't gone through theirs and it's kinda weird to be put on the spot like that. I don't dislike IM'ing in general, I'm a total whore for emoticons, but it's different when you're chatting with someone you enjoy speaking to who uses actual words to communicate. Maybe it's just another personal pet peeve of mine.

Overly Critical, Party of One

Are perfectionists born or are they made? That, my friends, is the question. I have often strived for perfection in many, if not all, areas of my life for as long as I can remember (which isn't a good phrase for me since my memory is hit and miss). But I can vaguely remember being obsessed with coloring inside the lines as a kid. I can also remember throwing away an entire piece of paper if I had to scribble out even one mistake while writing a paper in high school. To this day if I type something wrong I can't just click on what's wrong and fix it, I have to backspace over everything until I get to the error and then retype the entire sentence (I do this a lot on IM's, that's why my replies take so long sometimes). Perfectionist...um...ism has bled into my work life a lot too, I could never let something be good enough. It had to always be perfect. Once it started to seep into my dating life, (somewhere you will rarely find good enough, forget about perfection), my friends sort of staged a perfectionist intervention.
So now I am a recovering perfectionist in most areas of my life but I've noticed that the one thing I can't seem to shake is how critical I am of myself. For example, I often bust out my guitar and record covers of either my favorite songs, or the requests of family/friends. I do it for fun, usually no one hears them except the people I let hear them, there's no reason for them to be perfect. But at least eight times out of ten I feel compelled to go back and record them again, even for the tiniest mistake. Everybody I know could tell me they were perfect and I would still have to re-do them. I'm thinking this is also likely the reason I rarely put my own words to music, because I know I'll just over obsess and think they suck. Why am I this way? I have no idea. I don't come from a family of perfectionists, there was never any pressure on me to be perfect growing up. My mom is 100% 'try your hardest and I'll be proud'. So maybe that's one we chalk up for the born this way side of the equation.
The flip side of course is that there isn't a perfectionist gene that's been discovered so we don't know if anyone is really born this way. Parents have total control of their kids in those all important first three years so maybe it's something we all pick up on at around that age. Like we want to please our parents and we think that means being perfect so that's what we strive for. Maybe some parents choose to nurture this trait and create super perfectionists, while others don't and create only a slight perfectionist streak. But then, neither of those explains my situation so maybe there's something else that contributes to hyper perfectionistism.
I have been trying to not be so overly critical of myself, but it's been a hard habit to break. I know it's not good for me since perfection is an impossible standard to reach and it drives everyone around me crazy. Speaking of crazy, my crazy aunt (funny crazy, not bananas crazy) thinks I may have a touch of OCD because I re-do stuff and have to do it in a certain way. (But then she's also convinced the burn I got on my left ring finger on Turkey Day either means I'm going to get married soon or that I'm scarred for life and will forever be a bachelor so...yeah, consider the source of that OCD comment). *sigh* Keep trying until I get it right, I guess. Isn't trying to deal with your flaws fun?

Where Nothing Dims These Stars

Clarity has always been hard for me to come by and contentment is a work in progress. You know those moments where time just seems to stop and everything seems right with the world and you think, 'Life do not get better than this'? I haven't had nearly enough of those. They're like drugs in a way because you always want to get back to that moment. I had one of those last night while laying outside and looking up at the stars. I've always loved looking up at the sky, whether it be clouds or stars. It's humbling in a way because there are trillions of stars in the universe, billions of people on earth and you realize how tiny you really are. It's hard to truly appreciate the stars in any big city because you can't even see them most of the time, but last night the lighting (or lack thereof) was perfect, although it was cold as hell.
The crazy thing is how much stuff unexpectedly came flooding back to me as I stargazed. I thought about my father (of all things) and, for the first time EVER had the feelings of an abandoned child; 'Why were we not good enough to stick around for but his other kids were?'. I thought about the things we had in common like music, which I distanced myself from for a long time after his death because I didn't wanna share anything with him. I thought about the things I'll never know about him, basic stuff like his favorite color or food. Then I thought about how I need to seriously think about overhauling the way I grieve cuz I tend to linger in all the stages and push it under the rug until I absolutely have to deal with it. But I also realized that I don't really care about my father at all. How can you care about someone who never showed any interest in caring about you? But I'm not upset about that either. I'm upset that he wasn't there for my brother when he was growing up. He knew that he had three more kids and he knew that one of them had lost his biological mother but he didn't make any sort of effort. Well, he did make a minor one but it didn't last and it wasn't because us kids were done, it was because his phone calls suddenly stopped coming. I try so hard to not hold on to anger about anything because it isn't good for anyone but I seem to be having a tough time forgiving his leaving my brother hanging like that. Something to work on, for sure.
But for all the negative stuff I thought (or overthought, is that a word?) about, there were good things too. I thought about how lucky I am. My story could've turned out much differently for so many reasons. Had I not become a father, I'm not sure where I would've ended up. Being in charge of a mini human being's every need is a big ass wake-up call. Before her I would commit to cleaning up my act and relapse in a matter of months, usually because I had nothing better to do. I had no purpose. Now I can't screw up like that again and I really have no desire to go back to the things I used to do, which is the weirdest but best feeling in the world. I never thought I would find something to make me wanna leave all of that negativity behind. But then I never thought I would have a kid either. The last thing I thought about before the cold temps forced me back inside the house was that I hope my daughter enjoys stargazing as much as I do someday. Not because it's something we would have in common, but because it is the great leveler when things seem to be going wrong.

(Btw, I know I have been some kind of overly sentimental the past month or so (like a freakin' chick, I tell ya) and I'm not sure why. So I'ma blame it on the season).