Clarity has always been hard for me to come by and contentment is a work in progress. You know those moments where time just seems to stop and everything seems right with the world and you think, 'Life do not get better than this'? I haven't had nearly enough of those. They're like drugs in a way because you always want to get back to that moment. I had one of those last night while laying outside and looking up at the stars. I've always loved looking up at the sky, whether it be clouds or stars. It's humbling in a way because there are trillions of stars in the universe, billions of people on earth and you realize how tiny you really are. It's hard to truly appreciate the stars in any big city because you can't even see them most of the time, but last night the lighting (or lack thereof) was perfect, although it was cold as hell.
The crazy thing is how much stuff unexpectedly came flooding back to me as I stargazed. I thought about my father (of all things) and, for the first time EVER had the feelings of an abandoned child; 'Why were we not good enough to stick around for but his other kids were?'. I thought about the things we had in common like music, which I distanced myself from for a long time after his death because I didn't wanna share anything with him. I thought about the things I'll never know about him, basic stuff like his favorite color or food. Then I thought about how I need to seriously think about overhauling the way I grieve cuz I tend to linger in all the stages and push it under the rug until I absolutely have to deal with it. But I also realized that I don't really care about my father at all. How can you care about someone who never showed any interest in caring about you? But I'm not upset about that either. I'm upset that he wasn't there for my brother when he was growing up. He knew that he had three more kids and he knew that one of them had lost his biological mother but he didn't make any sort of effort. Well, he did make a minor one but it didn't last and it wasn't because us kids were done, it was because his phone calls suddenly stopped coming. I try so hard to not hold on to anger about anything because it isn't good for anyone but I seem to be having a tough time forgiving his leaving my brother hanging like that. Something to work on, for sure.
But for all the negative stuff I thought (or overthought, is that a word?) about, there were good things too. I thought about how lucky I am. My story could've turned out much differently for so many reasons. Had I not become a father, I'm not sure where I would've ended up. Being in charge of a mini human being's every need is a big ass wake-up call. Before her I would commit to cleaning up my act and relapse in a matter of months, usually because I had nothing better to do. I had no purpose. Now I can't screw up like that again and I really have no desire to go back to the things I used to do, which is the weirdest but best feeling in the world. I never thought I would find something to make me wanna leave all of that negativity behind. But then I never thought I would have a kid either. The last thing I thought about before the cold temps forced me back inside the house was that I hope my daughter enjoys stargazing as much as I do someday. Not because it's something we would have in common, but because it is the great leveler when things seem to be going wrong.
(Btw, I know I have been some kind of overly sentimental the past month or so (like a freakin' chick, I tell ya) and I'm not sure why. So I'ma blame it on the season).
