It's hard to pick a crazy aunt in a family tree full of nuts (funny, smartass nuts, not loony tunes nuts). But my crazy, and quite possibly my favorite, aunt is a relatively new addition to my life. Years ago my family had a falling out with a group of extended family members and some people got lost in the shuffle as a result. Basically that part of the family was all about greed and money and my side did not take well to being robbed blind or assisting in the robbing of others so everybody scattered. Two of my great aunts were lost during that time and didn't reconnect with us until about a year ago. Separately these women are an insane amount of fun, put 'em together and you have one hell of a party. But when I was a kid I was much closer to one of them than the other. Some things never change. We didn't speak much after my grandma died and not long after that is when the break happened. I can't remember why we lost touch prior to that. She came around after my accident but had some drama with her ex-husband soon after and we ended up apart again. It wasn't until last Christmas that both my aunts came back into the fold.
Once my aunt invited me to a barbecue her company was having. It became clear not long after we got to the park that she had other reasons for inviting me, she was trying to hook me up with one of her co-workers. She introduced us, the co-worker shook my hand, said hi in a barely audible tone and then was silent the rest of the meeting, though she continued to stare at me and smile. Back in the car my aunt asked if I wanted to go out with the co-worker and I declined. Her reply was that I needed to get off of my ex and onto a woman who appreciated me. That was followed by, "Or underneath a woman. Whatever position works for you." My brother nearly died laughing in the backseat as this was taking place. About a month ago, during a visit to see me and my daughter, I overheard her talking to my best friend in the living room and she said the word 'Frontin''. I don't know, or want to know, what that was about but it was a strange moment for all but her. This is also the same aunt who thinks the turkey pan induced burn on my wedding finger means I'm either off down the aisle soon or doomed to being a bachelor. Sense a pattern of unpredictability here? Yeah, that's probably why she and I get along so well.
As of Friday the majority of my family is now in one place and enjoying each other's company (okay, and a fair amount of holiday spirits). My family's house is a little like a frat house in that there's always something happening at the family home and thus always a steady stream of people in and out. This is especially true during the holidays. My mom is taking advantage of this by recruiting a bunch of us to help her finish a gift for some of the grandkids. It's a project that requires a lot of painting and gluing and has kept a lot of us in the basement working to try and get it done in a week. My cousins and I have learned that the work flies by when we crank on some 90's music, drink a little nog and make smartass comments towards each other. (Cuz nothing says the holidays like saying, "I'm pretty sure your last boyfriend was gay" or "Have you always been this slow?" to your family members.) My crazy aunt wandered in to see how we were doing and sat down next to me as I was painting. Almost immediately she started talking about someone who is perfect for me and asking if I wanted to meet her. My cousins just sat and listened to the harassment until she said something about this person being a "good girl," by which I'm assuming she meant a good woman. But my cousins couldn't pass up the opportunity to mess with me and told her that she'd never sell a "good girl" to me. She pondered this for a second before saying, "Oh...you mean because she's not one of those street ladies who's a bedroom freak?". But wait, it gets better. I told her I didn't need dating help as my cousins egged her on. She continued, "You can't marry for the sex. Is that why you've gone through so many women? Are you sleeping with a freak bedroom lady now?". It was like an orgy (pun intended) of questions in my head that I never wanna hear anyone that much older than me ask. Still, she continued, "What was wrong with [insert ex-g/f's name] in bed? She would've made a good mother. How come there's no place for that in the freak bedroom/street lady thing? Oh, cuz it's about the sex only huh?". Everyone is DYING laughing at this point, myself included, and then BBD's "Poison" comes on. My best friend started taunting me about how I love to rap that song, a rap that includes the word 'ho' a couple of times. Upon hearing this my aunt asked if I had "an unusual fascination with hos," then turned her attention to asking what certain lines of slang from the song meant. Finally, she was quiet for a few minutes and once everyone else calmed down, I turned to my crazy aunt and told her that exchange was worse than when I heard her say 'Frontin''. Her reply? "I meant frontin' like I know. You know what that means? The kids say it." Yes, I know what it means I told her. I also mentioned that I don't think 'the kids' use that phrase anymore. She said, "How would you know? You're pushing 30, you're not one of the kids I was talking about," and then she walked out to go play poker. So after all of the interrogating, she leaves me with an insult. The most wonderful time of the year? Ask me if that's really true after another two weeks with these people ;p
