I am out of the country for my youngest cousin's wedding. So far, it has been a very interesting trip. It's got a weird vibe since we're all bumming about the death in the family, the best man was stranded in NYC until today and my crazy aunt is hinting about all this possibly being "signs" about the impending marriage. The mother of the bride however is bound and determined to get this thing done (technically it already is done since they did the courthouse thing before we left but mama is demanding a ceremony so a ceremony we will have). Why not throw one more monkey wrench into the situation, the universe must've figured, this one being mine and having nothing to do with the wedding.
I was walking up to my hotel room after we landed and I thought I heard a familiar voice down the hall but I thought nothing of it. I got a few hours of sleep but then the jet lag kicked in and I decided to take a walk downstairs. I made my way down the hallway and about halfway down I ran (literally) into a very familiar face - my ex-fiancee. It wasn't just her but also her daughter, whose father is the dude she cheated on me with. Talk about your awkward silences. We haven't spoken in probably four years. We have seen each other around (she's in the industry, as is the father of the kid) but I've had nothing to say to her and she hasn't dared to say a word to me. She started to say something after she realized who she'd bumped into but I kept walking. Part of me wanted to say something (none of it pleasant) but I knew there was no point.
Since then I've been thinking about how I just don't really care about any of it anymore. Am I pissed about how it happened? Hell, yeah. More at myself for letting the mind-f--k continue than at her for stepping out. But it's all so far in the past now. What is done is done. I have a kid, she has a kid and things have shaken out how they were ultimately always meant to be. But I can't help but think how ironic it is that our lives have turned out similarly, despite us wanting different things when we were together. The biggest thing I sacrificed when we were together was having children, she claimed to never want kids and, at the time, I very much wanted them. I felt like I couldn't see myself living a full life without kids (what a difference a few years makes, huh?). But I guess I thought I was in love (though in hindsight, I now know I wasn't) so I was willing to forget about that little issue rather than make it what it really is, a deal breaker. Now, five years after our bitter demise, we both have biracial daughters (born within weeks of each other, creepily enough) whose other parent is significantly older. Her career has taken a back seat to her being a mother and stepmother, something she never wanted to be (the mother part, I imagine she made peace with being a stepmother years earlier when their affair actually began since he already had kids). It's like a complete future reversal. I was always fine with eventually being a stay at home parent so she could continue on with her career (a last ditch effort on my part to change her mind about kids, but I'd still do it if the circumstances were right). But here she is giving up her career to become a trophy wife and take care of a gang of kids while I somehow managed to end up with the kid I originally wanted and the career still right on track. Seriously have no clue how I managed it, but I'll take it.
I never wish ill on anybody. I'm a big believer in what goes around comes around and karma so I'd like to think everyone gets what's coming to them eventually. I can't say I take any real pleasure in her situation. I don't feel anything about it honestly, which is kinda weird. I'm not a spiteful person but I always thought that I'd feel...I don't know, something if I was ever able to see karma give her a taste of her own medicine. But no...not a thing. Which kinda sucks. I guess I'm just not real sure how to handle a week (at least) under the same roof as her. Different rooms and different schedules, I know but still. It just kinda irks me that she's that close, you know? And that she's come around at a time where I think I'm doing alright and her presence is bringing up all this negativity. I don't need or want that in my life at all. But I'll have to handle it for now and try and ignore it and focus on the wedding and the sightseeing.
