My vision is not good. It never really has been. But I was glasses-free up until high school. As a Freshman, I realized I couldn't see the blackboard but nobody seemed to believe me. Finally, I went for an eye exam where it was determined I had 20-40 vision, astigmatism and was nearsighted. Adults are supposed to have eye exams every three years. My last eye exam was almost a decade ago. Honestly, my glasses had been working just fine for me up until a few years ago. Even then, it wasn't a pressing enough issue that I felt I needed new ones. But the past few months I've started to experience headaches that I'm sure are due to having to strain to see. My couch isn't all that far from my television yet I still have to strain and lean in to read anything on it. And so I decided to bite the bullet and get new eyes. (Well, I decided that months ago but then life intervened and I couldn't afford to get them. But now I'm gonna. Honest.). Little did I know what a fun process it would be to do so.
Unbeknownst to me, (okay it was probably beknownst, I just forgot) I had both Miss N and Miss L today because the best friend is out of town. I also had an eye exam scheduled for 1:00PM, so I had no choice but to go and take them with me. Big. Fat. MISTAKE. But, as with most mistakes, hilarity ensued. I wanted to get their early so I could try on some frames and get an idea of what I want (I didn't buy the glasses there). I had to fill out paperwork that asked about everything under the sun and then started looking at frames. I swear to you, "Sit down and don't move" means "run a fuckin' muck" in child language. The girls were well behaved but VERY curious. I had to push their hands away at least two dozen times as they were reaching for frames. I said "no" at least twice as many times. All of this in the span of about ten minutes, until I gave up and we went to sit and wait for the doctor. The doc was running behind so the wait was substantial (but then ANY wait is when you have kids) and then I started to hear a chorus of, "I'm thirsty" and, "I'm bored". It was finally our turn and they sat me down at the little test station to do some sort of pressure measurement on my eyes (think, taking the pressure on tires). To do this, they have you put your head on this little ledge and shoot a puff of air into it. Miss N was fascinated by this and the tech let her put her hand in front of the machine so she could feel the air. She then decided to grab my head and stare into my eyes as if this machine had somehow changed my entire chemistry. She was unimpressed and we moved into the exam room. That room was entirely too small for four people, which is why I'm sure they recommend you don't bring your children, and it was dark-ish (Miss L loathes the dark). The doc agreed to leave the door open and Miss L planted herself in the doorframe and watched what was going on. Miss N, being my child, decided she'd rather touch everything in the room and ask what it did. EVERYTHING. The doctor, thankfully, was very nice and answered all of Miss N's questions and said maybe someday she'd be a doctor since she was so curious and smart. Miss N told her that she didn't want to be smart, she wanted to be like me (thanks, kid) and the doctor laughed.
Given the rambunctious nature of the chillens, I probably shouldn't have opted to have my eyes dialated but it's been a long time since my last exam so I went for it. The doctor put in the drops and sent us out to wait until they took effect, about 20 minutes. The girls were surprisingly quiet during this time. The calm before the storm.We went back in and the doctor made sure all was okay with my eyes (it is, they're healthy...aside from that whole being unable to see thing), then suggested one more test I should get since I'm "over 30". It's a shame too, I really liked that doc up until that point. I opted not to get the test and we went out to settle the bill. I wasn't paying attention and the girls wandered off in different directions. Miss N went to sit down, Miss L was drawn to a rack of glasses like a moth to a flame. I have no idea HOW she did it, but she managed to bring down the entire rack in about 5 seconds. I stopped what I was doing and went to start cleaning up and the clerk said it was okay, since none of the frames were damaged. I took that moment to tell her that this kid wasn't mine, my kid was the well behaved one sitting down and she laughed. Miss N came over to help clean up and apparently did not take too kindly to a woman who was sitting and watching us pick up the frames. She looked right at her and said, "She's not his kid!", throwing her BFF under the bus just like daddy did (I'm so proud!). The ride came to end once we picked up everything up and paid and left. And now, they're both asleep on the couch. And I'm exhausted. Miss N was fascinated by the way my pupils expanded after dialation and kept asking all the way home for me to let her see my eyes. Maybe she will be a doctor someday. They always say you want better for your kids and lucky for me, the bar isn't really set that high since dad isn't smart. Methinks I will proceed to the nearest clinic and get my tubes tied because Miss N is clearly not equipped for any siblings. And Miss L needs a harness. I know what somebody's getting for her birthday...
