Aunt Misbehaving

Me: Crazy Aunt told me to stop sexting my ladies on my tablet. I said, "Trust me, when we're sexting, they're not ladies". She said, "Duuuude!" and gave me a high five.
G: LMAO. And then you went right back to sexting the ladies huh?
Me: Waste not, want not, G.
G: lol Uh huh, THAT'S why you did it
Me: I may never do it again now that I know my aunt endorses it. That's like every sext I send having an asterisk and, "My Crazy Aunt approved this message" attached to it.
G: LOL. Aaaaaaaand the ladies lose their boners.
Me: lol And they ain't the only ones.

Sloooooow Hand

Yesterday I burned my hand on the oven (yes, again). I turned to a friend for advice on how to treat such a burn. It went better than expected and brought yesterday's convo full circle.

Her: Ugh...you're probably dead by now.
Me: Psssh, you should be so lucky!
Her: How's the hand, love? Are you still my lovah with an easy touch?
Me: Gurl, I can easy touch ya with my leggo my eggo
Me: LOL Or my left hand. Your choice.
Her: LOL. How often are you telling people to leggo your eggo?
Me: I think I've said it once and yet when I typed, "Le", it went wild.
Her: lol Um...on second thought...if your gizmo has the circumference and inch in length of an eggo...I'ma pass.
Me: lol I said I'd easy touch ya with it, not hit yo snooze button with it.
Her: LOL!!!

Comfort And Joy

This day has been ridiculous. Hilarious and ridiculous. Fonz bless you beautiful souls I'm tethered to.

First off, the gay cousins got awesome news this morning in the form of a call from the state to tell them they will be allowed to legally adopt! It's been a loooooong time coming for them and I couldn't be happier to welcome the newest member of our family, Mr. E, who will be 3-years-old next month. While we're all happy about this, Crazy Aunt took a different view and immediately turned to DMC and his wife, who married a few months before the gays, to say, "See?? Even the gays had a baby before you and they had to go through the state. You only have to go at each other!". Needless to say, Crazy Aunt thinks we need more babies round these parts. Mr. E will arrive home in time for Christmas, which has become a challenge for my mom and aunts. Some people have fancy Christmas trees that look like they came out the Martha Stewart magazine. Our family Christmas tree is made up of ornaments from over the years (some of which have seen better days) and handmade ornaments for everyone in the family that have our first and middle names on one side and our childhood nicknames on the other. They're quite nifty and this year was a bit of a downer because we had to remove a name from the tree (ah, divorce is fun), and now there's a mad dash to make one for Mr. E. 2015, the year we lost an in-law but gained a midget.

Then, this happened:

G: Well this is embarrassing. My mom wants a selfie.

Me: LOL. Told you I'ma be yo step-daddy.
G: lol I was genuinely concerned when she asked. I told her you're all Grizzly Adams now and she said she hopes not because you so pretty. So she wants to see how you look and, most likely, tell you to shave.

Me: LOL. Like it's not enough to have my mom, my sister, Y, the sister-in-law, MOC and Miss N on my case. Now your mom has joined the pride.

G: lol Yes. And she's getting impatient.

And then Chaka Khan took center stage:

Me: So Steve Harvey crowned the wrong country as Miss Universe. And today I found out I'm actually the real Miss Universe.

W: lol I knew it!!!

Me: I've been practicing my wave and distancing myself from my drug cartels all morning.

W: lol Oh sure, now you distance yourself.

Me: lol Don't worry, my reign will probably only last until Steve Harvey is able to sound out your last name, rip the crown off my weave and give it to you.

W: LOL

W: *sends photo of Oprah* You're Miss Universe and you're Miss Universe. Everyone is Miss Universe!

Me: LOL. IIIIIIIII'm every Miss Universe, give that crown to meeeeeeee. Didn't you hear Steve Harvey baby? He crowned me, then he sayyyyyy, "No, no, nooooooo. It's not yo shoooooooow".

W: LOL!

The convo continued on Facebook:

*W posts picture that says, "Who else is walking into 2016 single" with the caption, "I'm not walking. I'm strutting!"*

Me: Be careful they don't snatch your crown whilst you take that strut.

W: LOL It's alright, Oprah done gone and crowned everyone already

And finally:

Me: How you be, gurl?

Her: I hit the snooze button for an hour and gave myself a headache.

Me: *sends photo of a terrified looking Gizmo and the caption, "*Isn't sure if "snooze button" is a euphemism*"*

Her: LOL!!! Well...that does help me sleep...

Me: lol But you don't wanna hit it hard enough to get a headache. #PleaseHammerDon'tHurtEm

Her: LOL Your hashtag

I Don't Think You're Right For Him, Think Of What It Might've Been

After Star Wars rocked my world, I needed a drink. Whilst out on the town with my peeps, we got to talking about relationships and how some of us have learned we're not as bad at them as we once thought. Maybe it's maturity, who knows. But DMC made an interesting comment about how he knew it was time to call off his first engagement. This was eons ago and they'd dated for about six years before getting engaged. They halfway started planning a wedding but something else always took priority so they put marriage on the back burner. Then, seemingly out of the blue, they called the whole thing off and went their separate ways. DMC isn't the feelings-y type so few of us ever got the full story of what happened until last night. He said they'd started living separate lives some months prior to the split, but the realization that it was over came during an argument. She had lunch with an ex and then came home and picked a fight with DMC about it. When he didn't take the bait, she said maybe next time she'd do more than have lunch with the dude and DMC said, "Alright" and walked away. Of course this infuriated her, but he didn't care because he'd realized it didn't bother him to think of her with some other dude. That's how he knew it was time to call it a day. And he did, and she did end up dating that ex for years, which didn't surprise DMC, but it did make him feel some jealousy for a minute. You don't love someone for seven years and not get a little hurt when they move on.
Rarely do I call anyone in my family wise without using the word "ass" in quick succession, but DMC earned a cookie for his brief moment of wisdom. People would leave bad or dying relationships a lot sooner if they stopped and thought, "How would I feel if this person weren't mine? ". If the answer is, "Meh," then it's time to call it a day. I was a mess when my ex-fiancée officially took up with the dude she'd cheated with, but looking back I was more hurt by the circumstances of it. Thinking of her with him didn't provoke any strong feelings of, "I wish that were me with her". I was pissed that she'd moved on first and got to be happy after having screwed me over. But I didn't care who she was banging. Karma was gonna take care of that mess (and it kinda has, I saw a photo of her recently and she's aging terribly #DodgedABullet). I'm not a jealous person but I was jealous of the way it all went down back then. In fact, thinking back on all my exes now, there are only a few I would say I could feel some jealousy about. Not enough to try and get them back, mind you. But if I'd stopped to think about how I'd feel if they weren't mine back when they were mine, it would've made me insane. And it probably would've increased my fight in those relationships, making me do whatever it took to hold onto them. They were no doubt great women. But everything for a reason and obviously we weren't meant to be for the long haul.

Talk Nerdy To Me

I'm not what one would call a "Star Wars" aficionado. I don't even remember the first time I saw the original films, though I am told I was around 10 years old and it wasn't exactly love at first sight. I didn't get it and so I didn't watch them again in their entirety until prequels came out. Even though I still wasn't a huge fan, I did finally understand why they were such a big deal. When I heard a new set of films was on the way, I was meh about it. And then I saw the first trailer for "The Force Awakens" and I was hooked. But I was also cautious because I anxiously awaited "Jurassic World" and it disappointed me. Though I am a fan of JJ Abrams work, I didn't want to see Episode VII screw up an entire franchise by trying to be hip and appeal to the kids. Fortunately, when you have a billion fans who are guaranteed to buy tickets no matter what, you don't have to cater to the kids. And Abrams didn't. In fact, not only did he stay true (and pay homage) to the classic films, but he opened the door for some intriguing future storylines. I expected to like TFA, but it was a pleasant surprise to love it. It's rare that a film nerd such as myself is impressed by a movie, but the film nerd, the Star Wars fan and the movie fan in me all loved every minute of it (though I do think the villain Kylo Ren was terribly miscast). I can't wait to see it again. Other thoughts on the movie and theater experience:

~ Movies are frickin' expensive. As a kid, we'd see movies at the $1.50 theater and I doubt the whole theater experience for four kids and two adults cost more than $25. We saw today's movie early and decided to forgo 3D so tickets were relatively cheap. (Btw, you don't need 3D for TFA. It wasn't shot in 3D and it's not mind blowing enough effects-wise to justify the higher ticket price). I don't drink soda and I don't eat movie popcorn, so I skipped the concession line but noticed the ridiculous prices of ish. Four bucks for a box of candy that cost a dollar at the store. Five bucks for a bottle of water that cost two dollars at a store. My nephews insisted on both soda and popcorn (with they money, not ours) and just that cost over twenty bucks. If a family of six went to see a movie today, tickets alone would be well over $30. Add concessions, even just sodas, and you're looking at almost $75 for a single movie trip. Helllllll no.

~ I don't mind people who save seats for others at big event movies, so long as it's within reason. Saving one or two seats is fine by me. Saving half a row or more is a no go. Ya'll need to meet in the damn lobby if you're gonna do that ish and go in together. This didn't really matter to me today because the dude saving seats was further up than where we wanted to be, but it was still annoying. Also, if you're gonna bring a big family or group to a big event movie, do everyone a favor and show up mofo early. We had a decent sized group and got into the theater 30 minutes early to make sure we could choose good seats. Not ten minutes after that, the theater was almost entirely full with just a few stray seats available. Then, in walks a family of seven who were just shocked that there were no seats together for them to take. After that, a group of six walks in and is equally shocked by the lack of seating. After the previews began, someone on the other side of the theater needed a single seat and for some reason brought an usher with them to find one. Although there were many single seats available, the usher asked an entire row to shift down one seat a piece so this person could sit on the end. The people on the very end refused to move, prompting the other person to say she wanted an end seat. The early birds said they did too, that's why they arrived on time and the woman had to sit elsewhere - but not before disrupting an entire theater. As if that weren't enough, two more dudes showed up during the opening scene of the actual movie and wandered around the dark theater complaining loudly about how there were no more seats together. So, to recap, don't be a jackass who shows up late and then bitches about crap that's your own fault.

~ Turn. Off. Your. Damn. Phone. How this is still an issue in theaters is baffling. Contrary to what some people seem to think, our phones are not glued to the palms of our hands. And if you're sitting in a theater to see a two and a half hour movie, I'm guessing you got nowhere else pressing to be so why are you not at the very least turning your phone to vibrate? They tell you this before the movie, common sense should tell you it even before then. Some dick sitting behind us left his phone on and it went off at full volume during a crucial point in the film and he was in no hurry to silence it. I don't understand people sometimes.

~ Sharing things with your kids is just freaking magical and I don't care how nerdy that makes me sound. Miss N and Mr. R are about the same age and experiencing all things Star Wars for the first time and it's nifty to see. And even better, they're both totally into it. They want the toys, they act out the movies, it's adorable. This dad business is the coolest thing ever. *runs out to acquire more kids*

I'll Be Loving You Forever, Just As Long As We're Done Here By Three

BF: *sigh* I think I fucked up something and I need to vent.
Me: Talk my ear off, gurl.
BF: You, me and food tonight.
Me: ...This is only gonna take like an hour or so, right?
BF: I don't know, why? Why are you trying to time limit my pain?
Me: I'm not! Just asking.
BF: ...What's her name? lol
Me: I know not what you speak of.
BF: Uh huh. Well, whoever she is, I hope she's worth losing your first wife of 34 years!
Me: Oh Y, that's silly. Of course she is.
BF: LOL. Ass. You serenaded me with NKOTB last weekend! You promised to love me! Now you're ditching me for another woman.
Me: Baby, it's not like that! I just sang to you so you would buy me food!
BF: I never said I was buying you food.
Me: Well in that case, sorry, I'm busy tonight.
BF: LOL. Okay fine, I'll buy the food and you'll be outta there before dark. But you remember how accommodating your wife was when you leave her for someone who puts out.
Me: lol My wife does put out. Like a lot. A LOT. I'm just not interested.
BF: Fuck you for the caps lol. We really do sound like an old married couple.

Now this is the kinda marriage I could get behind!

I'll Date Ya Moms

G and I fell in love with the glory that is the Nespresso machine. The price of ownership (and inconvenience in getting coffee) turned me off to getting one, but G has been a man on a mission. That is, until last week when his mom told him they tend to breakdown often. As it turns out, Mama is a liar.

G: So my mom just stabbed in me in the back and bought a Nespresso machine. She made up that crap about the breakdowns because she wanted to get one before I did.
Me: lol. I would legit marry a woman who owned one of those.
G: lol And just like that, the ladies all flock to purchase the new must-have item for Christmas.
Me: LOL. Screw that. I'ma marry your moms. 
G: YOU LEAVE MY MOM'S MACHINE ALONE!!
Me: I can't because I don't know if you're referring to her coffee machine or her sex machine.
G: LMAO. I fucking hate you, Giuseppe. And yet, witty remarks like that almost make me wanna let you be my new daddy.
Me: Join me, Luke. And together we shall steal your mom's Nespresso and bring deliciousness to the galaxy.
G: lol Well, when you put it like that...I will follow you an'where, Jobi-Wan.

I'm A Loser Baby, So Why Don't You Marry Me

Married By Mom & Dad. Tis a sentence that should strike fear into the heart of just about anyone, right? And yet, TLC found four suckers willing to let their parents (and step-parents) to choose their future mate. I...I just can't with some reality TV, ya'll. A is a reality TV addict so we all get roped into watching some of her current obsessions at least once or twice a week. I went in-depth about my feelings on that "Married At First Sight" show and fucking ridiculous it was to marry a stranger and then be shocked when it don't work out the way you pictured it. But "Married By Mom & Dad" is ten times more ridiculous. The premise is as it sounds, the parental units "interview" and then choose someone for their thirtysomething children to be tied to til death (or, realistically, til 2017 or so). I highly recommend the first episode of this show if you're on the verge of giving up on dating and want to make yourself feel better and/or encourage yourself to stay in the game. Because trust when I say you are a lot more well off than anyone on this show. These four people are just lonely and lazy as hell. Most have their careers together and claim they're still single because they've "tried everything", but methinks they just have terrible taste in the opposite sex, or they're not the catches they believe themselves to be. Sure, some people are just unlucky in love, but I don't get that vibe from any of these folks. I adore my mother but under absolutely no circumstances would I allow her to pick a mate for me, nor would she take me up on any such offer (thank Fonz).
We met three families on the first episode of MBM&D; a family grieving the suicide of one of their sons and looking to marry off their only daughter, a Sommelier who pings the gaydar and is reuniting his long divorced parents (complete with new, possibly male step-mom) so they can find him a wife, and a Southern belle who was cheated on and apparently just stopped dating after that (we didn't meet the fourth family on this episode). And all of the families are tailor-made for reality television. The suicide family have a weird obsession with not picking a bald or particularly tall man for their daughter (this is their own stipulation, not hers). The dad repeatedly states that he's looking for a carbon copy of himself for his future son-in-law, and yes it sounds as creepy when he says it as it does to read it. The Sommelier's parents have not seen each other in years and talk about meeting each other "for the first time", despite the fact that they have two children together. The step-mom is...mannish and strikes me as a granola type who would run a nudist camp. The father is getting off on the whole process, telling the son that regardless of how he feels about the women, he will marry the one they choose. Dad organizes the meetings with the women to be like job interviews, complete with a full page of sexual questions like how often they would like to "touch" their partner and what kind of sexual appetite they have. He also wants to know how much debt they have and how they acquired it. His ex-wife, being somewhat sane, steps in to save the women from the invasive questions and rightly tells him such things should be between a husband and wife, not a wife and her potential in-laws. The Southern family is the most eccentric of all. Derald (seriously, that's her dad's name...Derald) is an odd duck who road trips down to his daughter's house so they can go pick out a wedding cake, and this is before he's even interviewed a single potential husband. The meeting the cake maker had with these people had to be the weirdest shit she's ever been a part of. She asks about the groom and is told there isn't one, then let in on the whole experiment. After that, she brings out cake samples for tasting and Derald jumps up out of his chair and knocks it onto the floor before proceeding to do what can only be described as a convulsion-like dance he calls "The Cake Dance". His daughter tells the camera that her dad loves cake, but the way he jumped up you'd think he'd not seen a piece for fifty damn years. He does the cake dance three more times in the segment. He and his wife go to the home of a potential suitor and the man opens the car door for mom, which both parents make a note of. The suitor says he used to be a valet so it was second nature to him to open doors and the parents go off on a tangent about how great it is that he's a dancer (they heard "ballet"). Mom further makes a fool of herself when she tells him, "So in your video you said you wanted to be married since you were 22. You're quite a bit older now. What happened?". Like...wtf does that even mean? Dude handles it very well but the question was ridiculous. The kicker about this show is that it would appear none of these people actually make it down a damn aisle, or at least the editing would lead us to believe as much. The Sommelier's chick turns out to be in it for the TV time, the Southern belle and her dude make it to the altar but not to the I Do's, prompting Derald to inquire as to who called the whole thing off, and the other chick ends up not being thrilled with who is chosen for her, only to be told by dad that it ain't her decision.
This kinda shit is why marriage holds zero value for my and future generations anymore. I'm all for choosing not to marry and all that, but part of the reason for my feeling that way is that marriage isn't what it used to be. It's not respected, it's not cherished as it should be. Marriage shouldn't be a decision made lightly and it certainly shouldn't be made on national television by people who are themselves on a second or third marriage. Everyone has their list of what they would like to have in a partner and what is and is not negotiable, but we often do not end up with the type of person we think we will. There are things science and our parents cannot predict or will to happen. Who our parents want us to marry is usually not who we want to marry, but the choice in who we spend our life with is our own. Or at least it should be. A friend once told me you love who you love and love knows no race, religion or anything else. You can't predict attraction, you can't predict compatibility. I've dated women that a scientific test would never have matched me with based on things like religion. And yet those relationships have been the ones that have made me a better man. Had I taken the road these people are on of letting someone else make my decisions, yes, my decisions would've been better, but at what cost? The bad decisions make us who we are as much as the good ones do. I wouldn't trade my bad decisions for anything. Call me old fashioned but no matter how annoying the dating scene can be, I'd still rather take my chances and woo and be wooed than be forced down the aisle with someone I know nothing about. All that said, hopefully TLC's latest round of fame whores will be able to find their own mates someday.

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Smartasses

Miss N's play group had their holiday shindig (people still say that, right?) over the weekend and bringing family and friends was encouraged. Unfortunately, I brought mine.

Miss R: You see that lady over there with the jacket, talking to those kids? She was telling her friends how hot she thinks you are and it was gross.
Me: ...Is she legal? She looks kinda young.
Miss R: I don't know. Probably doesn't matter though.
Me: Why?
Miss R: I told her that Miss N has two dads now and she seemed to lose interest. *Grins*
Me: You're an evil child.
Miss R: That's how you know we're related.

So now we know, 16 is when they turn on you. That gives me 9 years to love Miss N before she goes rogue.

Ho, Ho, Oh No

It's been a difficult December (and November, really) in some ways. It's been...odd. Most things have been going swimmingly; everyone in our new family of four is healthy, work has been pretty darn good and my personal life is on one hell of an upswing. All good things. The bad has been news from the home front about family members and potential serious issues on the horizon. At least, they were on the horizon. Now it would appear they have hit home, and sooner than expected. Since I recommitted myself to my faith I've been meditating twice a day and not letting anything get in the way of that time. And it's done wonders for me. I live in the now, I don't overthink or over-stress about things and I don't dwell on the past. Worrying about a future event never changed the outcome and beating yourself up over the past never changed what happened, so why freak out about either? I've been all optimism the last few months, even when I felt like a damn fool about it. And I find I still am. The circumstances suck, and I wish like hell there was more I could do to change them. But they are what they are and the chips will fall where they may. Instead of being upset and bitter about ish, I'm choosing to believe it's all for a reason and that one door being slammed means a window of opportunity, a better opportunity, will soon open. I just hope it's very soon.

And A Sexy Party In A Pear Tree

G: Did you figure out what you're getting the kid for Christmas? Because I have to know which gift I'm buying for her.

Me: Not yet. She wants a gyro something or another.

Y: LOL. A Spirograph, Giuseppe. The child wants a Spirograph.

G: LMAO. Cuz all 7-year-olds want Gyros for Christmas. Everybody be all at the table to eat tamales on Christmas Eve and poor Miss N has to sit by the tree with her Gyro. Cuz she asked for it.

Me: LOL. Well I don't know, man. Kids are weird, they want weird ish sometimes.

Y: Yeah, there's this kid in my building who wants an Easy Bake Oven so he can make Thin Mints whenever he wants and not have to buy them from, as he say, "those shifty Girl Scouts".

Me: LOL. That was told to you in confidence!

Y: lol Oops. 

G: ...Can I come over and have some of your Thin Mints?

Me: Hell yeah. I'm inviting everybody. Except Y.

Y: That's okay, I'll spend some money and support the girls.

Me: Fine then. I'll take my Girl Scout cookie money and support some other girl's cookies.

G: LMAO. Only we could start talking about Christmas gifts and end up purchasing hookahs to come to our Easy Bake Oven Christmas party.

For the record, I have nothing against the Girl Scouts. My problem is with how they lie in wait outside places to peddle their delicious wares.

Extreme Couponing

I'm not crazy about who I drew for Secret Santa. But I put in some effort and I don't feel my efforts were appreciated...

Me: I figured out what to get him.

Y: *side eyeing how quickly I figured it out* What is it?

Me: Behold! *sets down a coupon for a free Blizzard at Dairy Queen*

G: LOL. Hook me up too!

Y: Uh no. Try again. *crumples up coupon and throws it at me, lodging a direct hit in the middle of my forehead*

G: Hey! Not the face! How do you think he's gonna rustle up more of them coupons?

When There's Nothing Left To Burn, You Have To Set Yourself On Fire

I read an interesting quote the other day that said the reason some people may be lonelier than others is because they don't like themselves all that much. If you don't like you then spending time by yourself can be unbearable. I guess I was one of the lucky ones in that I never found my own company to be that awful. I didn't like myself for years, but I was never plagued by any super lonely feelings. These days, I do like me and I know how to fill my time when I'm by myself. I almost need that time to reevaluate and disconnect. I think it's a great idea for every person to have at least a year where they aren't in a relationship and aren't super focused on dating so they can just learn about themselves. In that scenario, you learn what you want/don't want, will and won't tolerate and so on. The idea is to be a happier and healthier you alone so that you're not desperately searching for a relationship and falling in with the wrong people. After all, relationships should enhance your life, not be a drain on you emotionally.
One of the takeaways from my, "What have you got to lose?" convo the other night involved this concept of learning to be alone. You would think being alone would be foreign to me since I never have been (shared a womb, and currently share life with my other half), but even as a kid I welcomed some alone time (and not just because I grew up in a house with six kids...okay, maybe that is why). But once I got my first hit of being in a relationship, I was hooked. I became a relationship hussy, of sorts. I loved the security of being in a relationship, even if it wasn't very secure, so I went from one to the next, usually with very little downtime in between. It wasn't until this very year, 34 years on, that I finally stopped that nonsense and decided to enjoy my own company. I dated of course, but if the connection wasn't there on the first or second date, I moved on. I finally gained the sense to not be in something just for the sake of being in something and that was quite liberating. I remember a friend telling me once that the guy she was seeing at the time had been cheated on by every girl he'd ever dated and I made a comment about how maybe he was the issue and not the women. Time would tell us that that was probably the case as his relationship with the friend ended partially because of shady doings on his part. And that's another thing people don't do - self-realize. If everything ends the same way, maybe you're the one with the issue that needs to be dealt with before you try again. For some, it's hard to criticize themselves and others just don't see how they can ever do any wrong. And so the cycle repeats over and over. However, the friend was able to self-realize just fine and decided to get a dog for companionship and get her shit together without a man in her life. And that puts us in a similar place in our lives (except I have the kid for companionship).
As we talked about both being single and bantered about our exes, we agreed that the dating scene just ain't where it's at once you hit 30. Meaningless hook-ups and drunken nights out on the town are all the rage in your 20's, but they're pathetic in your mid-30's and onward. I have absolutely no desire to do any of that now, which sounds odd coming from Monsieur Manwhore, but it's the truth. I'm bored with the chase and tired of the runaround. At 34, I have no patience for indecisive people and people who don't have their shit together when it comes to relationships. I refuse to settle for anything less than someone who sets me on fire, now that I've thoroughly burned the hell out myself and learned what I want, need and deserve. If it's not 1000% fulfilling and if I don't see a future, then there's no point in pursuing it. And if demanding all of that means I'm single for awhile, I'm just fine with that. I have a wonderful family, gorgeous little girl, my work and an active social life to keep me entertained in the meantime. And when Mrs. Right does come around, I know I'll be ready for it and she'll have been more than worth the wait.

For Tomorrow May Rain, So I'll Follow The Sun

A few days ago, an unexpected opportunity presented itself. I'd been going back and forth about whether I should seize it and whether I was stupid for even wanting to seize it. I turned to a couple of friends for advice and the best advice I got was one sentence, "What have you got to lose?". And you know what? She's right (something I'm sure she never tires of hearing). What the hell? You lose out on the chances you don't take, right? I usually lead with my heart in all things and this should be no different, damn the consequences and all that. And really, there could be zero consequences. Everything could work out swimmingly. New adventures for a new year, ya'll.

There's Always That One Person That Will Always Have Your Heart, You Never See It Coming Cuz You're Blinded From The Start

A friend of mine is working through his emotions after having ended his 13 year marriage. The chain of events that led to the divorce were very unexpected. He fired several warning shots in the form of ultimatums, but when she finally took it seriously, he was the one who got quite the surprise when she confessed to having had an affair. Though the marriage ended months ago, his recovery has stalled now that the holidays have arrived. It's all been a painful reminder of what once was and what is no longer. He's in that area where he thought he was getting better and then the reality of it all hit him and set him back. Some have told him to keep moving forward, and I was one of them up until recently when I saw just how affected he was but it all. Now, I get why he is where he is emotionally and I think he should take his time moving on. It can't be easy to waltz into the holidays solo after having spent the last 13 of them with someone you never thought you'd be without. And ain't that the biggest bitch? Getting over someone you still adore (even if you shouldn't), someone you believed would always be a part of your life, is just awful. I can't imagine having to do that when you were actually married to the person.
I've generally bounced back okay from break ups, even bad ones, but there have been two times in my life where bouncing back just did not happen. The first time I had to get over someone who was taken from me and the second time I had to get over someone who wasn't ready for what we could've been. Moving on after someone you're in love with passes away is not easy. It's different from a normal break up in that you never actually broke up and that all you're left with are unanswered questions. You can't just pick up the phone and wonder aloud where the two of you went wrong, which means you can never get full resolution or closure. The best way I can describe it is watching a movie that you're super excited about and very into and then the film abruptly cuts off and you find out the rest of it has been lost forever. You live in that limbo for the rest of your life, unless you can find a way to silence all the whys. In an odd way, getting through that helped me get through the second break up with the person who is still here. Few things will ever be as difficult as finding a way to cope after all that happened in '02. And because I found a way out of it, I know I can generally get through just about anything. It sort of set the standard against which I gauge all other stuff that happens in my life. And I've learned that most ish that happens is minor in the grand scheme and most people who depart your life of their own accord were probably 'meh' to begin with. If something goes wrong, you get your ish together and handle it. If someone walks out of your life, or holds the door open for you to walk out of theirs, then remember there was something wrong with them, not you. But that second break up was not with one of these types of people. This was with a ride or die chick who I literally could not picture myself living without. That ish is rare. And the end was cataclysmic for many reasons. We both knew why it had to happen but it didn't make it easier. I measured the other women I dated against her for awhile post-break up, but of course none could hold a candle to her. Half my heart always belonged to her and it seemed it always would. And then, slowly, our lives began to go in different directions. It was...almost effortless, in a way. We'd been best friends during our time together, told each other every mundane detail of every day, but once we decided to sever that tie for good, life went on. It's insane to think that we met almost a decade ago, it seems like a lifetime ago.
I used to have horrible nightmares about the loss of my girlfriend. They were constant in the beginning and then they came and went over the years. I rarely have them anymore, and I don't think of her constantly to the point where I can't get anything done. But she's always around. And I still love her immensely. As for the ex, I still think of her on occasion as well. I don't have a bad thing to say about her, in hindsight all our issues boiled down to two youngins who were bad at relationships and not ready for what we'd stumbled upon. She deserves all the happiness in the damn world and she's certainly earned it. All that said, it took me years and several journals and tons of meditation to fully move past both women. The friend's perspective is quite different as the loss is still fresh. Maybe he'll feel similarly about his ex-wife to how I feel about my ex, or maybe he'll go in the complete opposite direction given the circumstances of the split. But I hope he does find a way out of the sadness he's living in now and demands better for himself in the future because I love him and he's also someone who deserves great happiness. The journey outta the darkness is a bitch. But it's so worth it when you get to the other side.

Me And My Monkey

Someone (who shall not be named on this here blog, but knows damn well who they is) inquired as to whether I think I'm still "at risk" of returning to my party boy ways when ish gets tough. It's a valid question, I suppose. For years, all of that stuff was my crutch and I didn't think twice about running back to it, even as recently as 2013. I can see why some people still wonder or worry if I may head back to the ledge someday. Addiction runs in my family, and in a very nasty way, so I consider myself damn lucky for not ending up with an addiction of my own. I never had a compulsion to use, I did it because I was bored or I was hurt or I needed to escape from something. I picked it up and put it down at will, but almost without fail, I always turned to it when shit got rough. I don't do that anymore, and I haven't since 2013. And I don't really worry that I will do it again. Part of the reason for it was that I didn't like who I was so when left in my own company, I sought to escape it any way I could. I like me now (there, I said it) and I've found better outlets for things that trouble me; writing, meditation, hell, even doing the dishes zens me out nowadays. All of that may sound boring to some, but for somebody who's spent roughly 13 years of their life struggling with various things, it's awesome. I don't dare say I feel like a grown up yet (is it bad that I don't feel like a grown up, even though I'm responsible for another life?), but I do feel like substantial progress has finally been made and I'm gonna bask in the glow of that ish.
The question of whether or not I'd ever use again got me to thinking about times my substance abuse got in the way of my personal life. And two of those times stick out like sore thumbs. The first was with someone we'll call Ex A, whom I didn't treat very well. Our time together coincided with me being at my worst substance-wise and, no matter how hard I tried to shake the demons, they just kept creeping up. In the beginning, it wasn't so bad as I was really into her and we spent a lot of time together. That high took the place of the other ones. Until it didn't. Once I came back down to earth, I went right back to that old, familiar foe. It was like living a double life; I was sober-ish and as present as possible when I was with her, but when we were apart I was using whatever sounded good at the moment. She knew of the problem but assumed it was in the past and she was all about clean living. When she began to suspect something was amiss, I lied about it and she legit believed me. When it became obvious that I'd lied and that I was still using, I lied some more and she chose to believe me because she wanted us to work. I did too, on some level, so I would behave for small stretches, just until I felt things were settling back in. And then I'd go use again. She put up with it for awhile, never issuing ultimatums of any kind but making it clear she wasn't a fan of my other life. I ignored most of it and charged ahead. Eventually, it was all too much and she ended it. Ex A had fallen for me and all I'd done was mess things up. It would take awhile but I'd feel terrible about the whole thing once I finally did hang up my old ways.
Ex B and I were a different story from Ex A in that we were both totally enamored with each other. It's not in my nature to do something halfway or to love and support people halfway. For better or worse, I love hard and that love continues unless you give me a damn good reason to cease and desist. Ex B and I never knew how to quit one another, despite our many starts and stops during our relationship. Ex A was a sweetheart, and so was Ex B, but B was also a badass who knew what she would and would not tolerate. Having had her own issues with the bottle in the past, she'd long since pulled herself out of it and into a better existence. She still liked to go out and could drink anyone under the table when she did, but it was no longer a crutch for her. We bonded over our shared history of using substances as a band aid and our relationship thrived because of it. There was an understanding of where we'd both been and that neither of us wanted to return to that place. Ex B and I started dating shortly after I'd decided to get my life on track, so I went into the relationship with a totally clear head. And for a long time, I didn't even need to use anything else because the high she gave me was ri-di-cu-lous. I would've done absolutely anything for her and followed he anywhere, and that is not an exaggeration. I was head over heels ten times over. Sure, she could never make up her mind about sticking around long term, but none of that sent me running for the bottle (pill, booze or otherwise). I would've waited forever to end up with her and I knew the break ups had more to do with her not being ready for us than with her not loving me. After a few stops and starts, we hit a really good stretch where everything seemed to be falling into place - and then I hit a rough patch. My drug use had never been an issue, or even a thought since we'd discussed it when we first began. But some stuff went down in my life and I acquired some of my crutch, though I hadn't taken it yet. I was torn. I wanted to take it and escape and we were apart anyway because I was traveling for work. I could've gone on a bender and she'd have been none the wiser. But I just couldn't do it. Because I'm an idiot, I'd used a mutual friend to get what I needed and he mentioned it in passing to Ex B. The friend had no idea I'd had issues in the past so he didn't think twice about helping me get what I needed, nor about mentioning it to the girlfriend. After their exchange, she asked if there was anything I needed to tell her. I said no, but I had a feeling she somehow knew what was going on. I came clean and she let it be known she was gone if I chose the drugs over her. And just like that, out the pills and my desire to use them went. I never even considered it again during our time together. That was the only time we had the drug issue and it was a thousand times less serious than it would've been had I'd actually used them.
It's an interesting contrast, how Ex A and Ex B handled the situation of me and my crutch and how I reacted to their handling of the situation. Yes, I was in love with Ex B so it makes sense that when she put her foot down, the fight in me kicked up something fierce and I didn't think twice about throwing the pills out. But I wonder if Ex A and I would've gotten through things had she been the type to issue an ultimatum. I loathe ultimatums, or being told what to do, but I fell right in line when the threat of losing Ex B became real. Ex A said, "I'd prefer you not use", whereas Ex B said, "If you use, I'm gone". Maybe their past experiences had something to do with it too. Ex A is in my same industry so she'd been exposed to drug use, but never partaken in it, while Ex B had been one drink shy of an intervention back in the day. Both of them taught me valuable lessons about myself and about my substance abuse and I'm thankful to both of them for that. There were several monkeys I needed to get off my back for years and I can't even imagine going back to who I used to be.

Hanging Chad

Me: LOL White people are threatening to boycott Star Wars because of a single black actor. There have been two black guys in seven movies and they're saying that's "threatening" their whiteness.
W: Looks like those idiots forgot about that smoove muthafucka Lando Calrissian.
Me: Yes, but see back in Lando's day, the white folks were the majority. Now they're not and they is scared.
W: They should be.
Me: If I were doing the 8th movie, I'd cast all minorities and one white dude.
W: lol The white dude would be the gardener
Me: lol Hell yes. "Trim those hedges, Robert"
W: No no no, it's Chad.
Me: Thank you. I don't even know what a white name is.
Me: If Chad got unruly, I'd revoke access to his expense account.
Me: NO. If Chad got unruly, I'd deny him his pumpkin spice latte. "You drink that cafe con leche, Chad. You know what you did wrong."
W: LMAO