I read an interesting quote the other day that said the reason some people may be lonelier than others is because they don't like themselves all that much. If you don't like you then spending time by yourself can be unbearable. I guess I was one of the lucky ones in that I never found my own company to be that awful. I didn't like myself for years, but I was never plagued by any super lonely feelings. These days, I do like me and I know how to fill my time when I'm by myself. I almost need that time to reevaluate and disconnect. I think it's a great idea for every person to have at least a year where they aren't in a relationship and aren't super focused on dating so they can just learn about themselves. In that scenario, you learn what you want/don't want, will and won't tolerate and so on. The idea is to be a happier and healthier you alone so that you're not desperately searching for a relationship and falling in with the wrong people. After all, relationships should enhance your life, not be a drain on you emotionally.
One of the takeaways from my, "What have you got to lose?" convo the other night involved this concept of learning to be alone. You would think being alone would be foreign to me since I never have been (shared a womb, and currently share life with my other half), but even as a kid I welcomed some alone time (and not just because I grew up in a house with six kids...okay, maybe that is why). But once I got my first hit of being in a relationship, I was hooked. I became a relationship hussy, of sorts. I loved the security of being in a relationship, even if it wasn't very secure, so I went from one to the next, usually with very little downtime in between. It wasn't until this very year, 34 years on, that I finally stopped that nonsense and decided to enjoy my own company. I dated of course, but if the connection wasn't there on the first or second date, I moved on. I finally gained the sense to not be in something just for the sake of being in something and that was quite liberating. I remember a friend telling me once that the guy she was seeing at the time had been cheated on by every girl he'd ever dated and I made a comment about how maybe he was the issue and not the women. Time would tell us that that was probably the case as his relationship with the friend ended partially because of shady doings on his part. And that's another thing people don't do - self-realize. If everything ends the same way, maybe you're the one with the issue that needs to be dealt with before you try again. For some, it's hard to criticize themselves and others just don't see how they can ever do any wrong. And so the cycle repeats over and over. However, the friend was able to self-realize just fine and decided to get a dog for companionship and get her shit together without a man in her life. And that puts us in a similar place in our lives (except I have the kid for companionship).
As we talked about both being single and bantered about our exes, we agreed that the dating scene just ain't where it's at once you hit 30. Meaningless hook-ups and drunken nights out on the town are all the rage in your 20's, but they're pathetic in your mid-30's and onward. I have absolutely no desire to do any of that now, which sounds odd coming from Monsieur Manwhore, but it's the truth. I'm bored with the chase and tired of the runaround. At 34, I have no patience for indecisive people and people who don't have their shit together when it comes to relationships. I refuse to settle for anything less than someone who sets me on fire, now that I've thoroughly burned the hell out myself and learned what I want, need and deserve. If it's not 1000% fulfilling and if I don't see a future, then there's no point in pursuing it. And if demanding all of that means I'm single for awhile, I'm just fine with that. I have a wonderful family, gorgeous little girl, my work and an active social life to keep me entertained in the meantime. And when Mrs. Right does come around, I know I'll be ready for it and she'll have been more than worth the wait.
