A friend of mine is working through his emotions after having ended his 13 year marriage. The chain of events that led to the divorce were very unexpected. He fired several warning shots in the form of ultimatums, but when she finally took it seriously, he was the one who got quite the surprise when she confessed to having had an affair. Though the marriage ended months ago, his recovery has stalled now that the holidays have arrived. It's all been a painful reminder of what once was and what is no longer. He's in that area where he thought he was getting better and then the reality of it all hit him and set him back. Some have told him to keep moving forward, and I was one of them up until recently when I saw just how affected he was but it all. Now, I get why he is where he is emotionally and I think he should take his time moving on. It can't be easy to waltz into the holidays solo after having spent the last 13 of them with someone you never thought you'd be without. And ain't that the biggest bitch? Getting over someone you still adore (even if you shouldn't), someone you believed would always be a part of your life, is just awful. I can't imagine having to do that when you were actually married to the person.
I've generally bounced back okay from break ups, even bad ones, but there have been two times in my life where bouncing back just did not happen. The first time I had to get over someone who was taken from me and the second time I had to get over someone who wasn't ready for what we could've been. Moving on after someone you're in love with passes away is not easy. It's different from a normal break up in that you never actually broke up and that all you're left with are unanswered questions. You can't just pick up the phone and wonder aloud where the two of you went wrong, which means you can never get full resolution or closure. The best way I can describe it is watching a movie that you're super excited about and very into and then the film abruptly cuts off and you find out the rest of it has been lost forever. You live in that limbo for the rest of your life, unless you can find a way to silence all the whys. In an odd way, getting through that helped me get through the second break up with the person who is still here. Few things will ever be as difficult as finding a way to cope after all that happened in '02. And because I found a way out of it, I know I can generally get through just about anything. It sort of set the standard against which I gauge all other stuff that happens in my life. And I've learned that most ish that happens is minor in the grand scheme and most people who depart your life of their own accord were probably 'meh' to begin with. If something goes wrong, you get your ish together and handle it. If someone walks out of your life, or holds the door open for you to walk out of theirs, then remember there was something wrong with them, not you. But that second break up was not with one of these types of people. This was with a ride or die chick who I literally could not picture myself living without. That ish is rare. And the end was cataclysmic for many reasons. We both knew why it had to happen but it didn't make it easier. I measured the other women I dated against her for awhile post-break up, but of course none could hold a candle to her. Half my heart always belonged to her and it seemed it always would. And then, slowly, our lives began to go in different directions. It was...almost effortless, in a way. We'd been best friends during our time together, told each other every mundane detail of every day, but once we decided to sever that tie for good, life went on. It's insane to think that we met almost a decade ago, it seems like a lifetime ago.
I used to have horrible nightmares about the loss of my girlfriend. They were constant in the beginning and then they came and went over the years. I rarely have them anymore, and I don't think of her constantly to the point where I can't get anything done. But she's always around. And I still love her immensely. As for the ex, I still think of her on occasion as well. I don't have a bad thing to say about her, in hindsight all our issues boiled down to two youngins who were bad at relationships and not ready for what we'd stumbled upon. She deserves all the happiness in the damn world and she's certainly earned it. All that said, it took me years and several journals and tons of meditation to fully move past both women. The friend's perspective is quite different as the loss is still fresh. Maybe he'll feel similarly about his ex-wife to how I feel about my ex, or maybe he'll go in the complete opposite direction given the circumstances of the split. But I hope he does find a way out of the sadness he's living in now and demands better for himself in the future because I love him and he's also someone who deserves great happiness. The journey outta the darkness is a bitch. But it's so worth it when you get to the other side.
