Hey Mariah, Go Back Like Babies On Pacifiyahs

A few weeks ago a friend was doing some work on a house that involved scraping the ceilings.

Friend: I'm peeling ceilings again
Me: Tres sexy
Friend: Oh I know
Me: Do you have the mask on and everything? Cuz you know that completes the fantasy.
Friend: Ho yeah...and I've got my hair up in a bandana
Me: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH FANTASAYYYYY *shakes he ass whilst on top of a '95 Jeep with the top down*
Friend: lol Are you wearing a midriff top showing off your furry two pack?
Me: lol My two pack isn't furry, just my chest. But in for a penny, in for a pound, sure I'll wear the midriff
Friend: LOL
Me: lol You're welcome

[Later that night, "Stalk you" is code for "love you".]

Friend: Stalk you
Me: Stalk you back sooooo hard that you think it's a...
Me: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH FANTASAYYYYYYY
Friend: LOL

Relations

Ex: They're dating again.
Me: Who?
Ex: Your uncle and my mother 
Me: ...You're kidding. I thought your mom was in Seattle now?
Ex: She is. But apparently she dropped by the mountain region to "pick up a few things".
Me: LOL. Well I guess we know what one of the things she picked up was
Ex: LOL. She said it like that too. As if she just happened to be in the neighborhood

I remember it all so clearly. My then-girlfriend, her mother and my uncle were in a furniture store in my hometown when ma sprung on upon us the news that they were considering moving in together. I laughed and wasn't sure if they were serious or not, the ex said, "No, this is not happening" in her outdoor voice and an argument ensued. The ride home was all kindsa uncomfortable. But they never did shack up. Her mom decided to move back to the West to help her other daughter with her kids and the relationship with my uncle ended soon after. As did my relationship with the ex, albeit later on and for different reasons. Our families were quite close while we were together but went through a cooling off period after we split. It's only been during the last year or so that certain members have reached out to one another again. Apparently her mother and my uncle have done more than just reach out.
These two crazy kids met way before the ex and I were even blips on the radar. My uncle spent a summer in California in his younger years and ended up hanging out with her mother, who was on a break from her boyfriend. They went on a handful of actual dates but hung out as friends a lot. When he left for home, she went back to the boyfriend whom she eventually married and had three kids (and four stepkids) with, including the ex. The family moved to our neck of the woods when the ex was three and she ended up in an afterschool program with my cousin. They weren't really friends but both families went to a school play of some sort and that's actually where the ex and I first met, although neither of us remembers it. Apparently we hung out a handful of times after that at birthday parties and other school functions and, in typical me fashion, I took a shine to her older sister (who is also older than me). But they moved back to Cali and we all lost touch. Flash forward to our twenties and you'll find that same older sister moving to New York for her husband's job. They bought a house in the 'burbs right next door to a family member of mine and no one even remembered that they'd met in a previous life. But they got to talking and realized they each had a family member who was one of those "hard to hold onto" types, and who each were the only sibling in their family without a family of their own. And that was the basis of our blind-ish date. It went well. Very well, obviously. But we didn't know of our past connection until a perfect storm of events brought her mom and my uncle back together.
My cousin had to have an emergency appendectomy and there were complications so he spent about a week in the hospital. My uncle, mom, sister and I were there everyday to sit with him and stopped at a Starbucks a few blocks away from the hospital. The day my cousin was released, the ex went to pick up her mom from the hospital and we were supposed to reconnect for dinner. My uncle and I swung by the coffee shop that morning and the ex's mom walked in. I stood there waiting for my drink and the two of them flirted up a storm and I was...how do you say...wildly uncomfortable. I knew they had met before but wasn't aware of their dating history at the time. He invited her to the Christmas festivities that year and they were inseparable. The ex and I didn't know what to make of it. In a complete reversal from how we'd react to the furniture store move in debacle, I was freaking out about them dating and she was seeing the positives. They were happy and that's what mattered to her. We tried not to think about what would happen if they got hitched down the line. But obviously neither their, nor our, relationship lasted.
As far as I know, they haven't had any contact since they split up years ago. She followed her daughter to another destination (they travel a lot for the husband's job) and finished out her teaching career. She retired last year and has been traveling ever since, most recently landing in the Pacific Northwest to spend time with her siblings and nieces. Neither seem all that interested in talking about what's going on between them, the ex only found out about it because her aunt let slip that ma was in Colorado to visit a friend. I guess we shall see where it goes from here. I swear, my aunts, uncles and mom are more trouble now than they were in their youths. My mom's addicted to playing Zelda on her new Wii, my uncle is on and off with a girl, Crazy Aunt is setting up cameras in her bedroom with some fool named James. It's like we became adults and they've all reverted back to being tweens. The circle of life, eh?

We Knew From The Start That Things Fall Apart, Intentions Shatter

I don't remember when I first heard this or where but it was instantly a favorite. They did a fantastic version of this last year at some VH1 event, but unfortunately I can't find it on YouTube. They don't make hip hop like they used to yo...

You Know I Like My Girls A Little Bit Older, I Just Wanna Use Your Love Tonight

I've had this song stuck in my head for two weeks now, ever since I heard it at a baseball game. It was used as a batter's walk up song and I knew I'd heard it before but couldn't place it. Apparently it's commonly mistaken for a Police song but is actually by a one-hit wonder band called The Outfield. Upon Googling and reading the lyrics, it's like it coulda been written for me back in the day: "Stay the night but keep it under cover", "As you're leaving please would you close the door? And don't forget what I told you", and of course, "You know I like my girls a little bit older, I just wanna use your love tonight". I know what I'm singing at karaoke next month when I go home...and in the car...and around the house in the meantime.

Only Me...

Friend: How are you?
Me: Good. Got out of bed this morning, went to grab the laundry basket and knocked a shelf off the wall. It fell on me. So...the usual
Friend: LOL Gatdayum
Friend: Well...you'd be the laundry freshest smelling corpse they ever was
Me: lol Not really, it was dirty
Friend: The shelf was dirty?
Me: The laundry
Friend: Did you collapse into the pile of laundry??
Me: Yes
Me: Reach for laundry, shelf fall, Giuseppe trapped
Friend: LMAO Oh dear God 

THAT'S how talented I am.

I Am Not Scared Of The Elements, I Am Underprepared, But I Am Willing

Tis a busy week, both because of work and illness, but there's always an upside for this fella. The upside this time is that I've been able to catch up on a boatload of music I've downloaded over the past few months. iTunes downloads albums and adds them to my library when they're released, but sometimes I don't even notice until the next time I hook up the iPod (which is rarely). Even then, it's rare that I get around to listening to any of it at that moment. I have a tough time just sitting down and listening to an album all the way through. I like hearing albums in order but tend to skip around a lot, or find one song I love and replay it for days. I've had Sara Bareilles' latest album in my library for...let's just say awhile now, and I've been excited to listen to it since I loved the first two, but hadn't had the time. I finally got a minute to start listening to it this week and I was underwhelmed. It was okay, certainly better than most crap on the radio nowadays, but not as good as the previous two. I thought about switching to a different as-yet-unheard album but decided to finish what I'd started. And I'm glad I did. There were some good songs towards the end of the album. This one is definitely my favorite. I'm a sucker for a good song, even better if it's catchy. It's a simple song but I love the lyrics.

I Packed My Things And Ran Far Away From The Trouble I Had Caused With My Two Hands

I read an article once about how people get caught up in the excitement of wedding planning and are then inevitably let down when they realize they've entered a marriage. They think it'll be all fun and parties, instead of focusing on what all of the parties are actually about - committing the rest of your life to one person. I've heard that marriage can be difficult but rewarding, that whole anything worth having is worth working for thing. But people hit their first hurdle and decide it's not "fun" anymore and immediately choose to cut and run. Most of the marriages I witnessed as a kid were shortlived, rushed into or unconventional. But most of the marriages I've seen as an adult have had great foundations and have been long lasting (irony: I always thought I'd get hitched as a kid, even seeing all the unstable unions, but know now that I have no interest in that, even though I've seen great marriages.). A friend of mine from the Left Coast married her college sweetheart, they built a successful business together and had two kids (both of which I have the honor of Godparenting). They were like the model couple for me when it came to marriage (back when I was on the fence). They came out for a visit awhile back and everything seemed happy and good. Two weeks later, I get a text that says they're divorcing. Not separating, not having issues, just done. Everyone they told was shocked by it and no one ever really got a reason as to why they split, but it shook us all up. This was the most stable union you could ever see and they didn't make it. Didn't bode well for the rest of us. In the end, they spent almost 14 years together and are now co-parenting and doing an amazing job. Both are in new relationships, both have managed to hang on to all of the same friends. Another pair of friends have been on and off and everything in between for a decade now. They dated for a long time, then got married, then got divorced, then didn't talk for awhile, then remarried and had a son. And now they're happy and making it work. She explained it to me as knowing she'd had the right person all along but both of them having to hang on until the other one was mature enough for what they became. Marriage is what it is; even the best ones can crumble and even the ones on the most shaky ground can rebound and flourish.

I previously referred to a friend of mine as "Groomzilla" on this very blog when discussing his march towards the altar with his longtime girlfriend. I love the dude, have known him since we were five years old, but...I don't know. I will continue to love him no matter what path he chooses to take from here. I'm just not sure if he's seeing the big picture. The short version of all this is that he's a recovering alcoholic who dabbled in drugs and has been with this woman for most of his adult life. They met in the latter part of his teenage years, dated for a long ass time and then split when she finally chose not to take his crap anymore. He cheated on her left and right and got more brazen about it as time went on. He got into drinking and occasional drugging and went to rehab and she stood by him through that. But a year later he relapsed and cheated on her in their home with his AA sponsor (which is why you're not supposed to have a sponsor of the opposite sex). She dropped him and said she'd had enough and he decided to clean up but she still wouldn't take him back. He dated all kinds of chicks but none of them lasted. He remained sober and got himself a live-in sober companion. And eventually they began seeing each other again. He asked her about the prospect of marriage just weeks after they reunited and she said that he needed to be sober and faithful for awhile before she could consider that. A year to the day after that convo, he proposed and she said yes. Everyone told him to wait on an actual wedding and the bride also agreed. But he had to get married ASAP. And she gave in. They married a year later. Now everyone was telling them to wait on kids and, for once, he seemed to agree with us. They both said kids were down the line, he was just out of his 20's and she was a few years older but in no rush to procreate. Well, best laid plans. They were pregnant by their first wedding anniversary and they both freaked out. Then they entered the acceptance phase and got excited about it. I was happy for him, he was sober and happy and in a really good place. Enter parenthood. They didn't cope well with the sleepless nights and the lack of alone time. Her moods post-partem were unpredictable. But they both stuck it out and began to inch toward a new normal as their daughter hit the six month mark. Everything seemed fine until a couple of weeks ago when he turned up for a visit to the family house sans wedding ring, something he's worn religiously since they got married. No one asked about it until it became obvious he was no longer wearing at all at any time. At first he was annoyed by the questions but eventually came clean and said he was considering divorcing her. Why? Because of a trip he planned.

For almost a year now, he's been trying to plan a boys trip for the end of next month. When he first brought it up, she was pregnant and gave a resounding, "hell no" in response. She softened her stance after the baby was born but made it clear that she had reservations, mostly about whether or not he would remain sober or faithful. He never listened to her reasons, just kept his blinders on and said he was going and she didn't own him and couldn't stop him. He decided to book a cruise...because a boat full of booze and half dressed ladies is where someone with his issues should be. I declined the invite but he and bunch of other friends, some good influences, some not so much, have all decided to go. Once she realized he already booked everything, she gave him only one stipulation: take a sober companion. He flew off the damn handle, claiming she just wanted someone to "spy" on him while he was gone because she didn't trust him. She said she DID trust him not to cheat, but she just wanted some insurance about the drinking for the sake of their child. He stormed out and they've been living apart since. The real kicker is that a friend who is going on the trip told him he would only agree to go if a sober companion came along and he swore that would be the case. So...either way you're taking a sober companion, yet you're willing to leave your marriage because she wants you to take a sober companion? What the fuck kinda sense does that make? And if you don't intend to or think you will do something wrong, then why are you so bent about her wanting to make sure nothing happens? I don't get it. 

I've long been familiar with his pattern of saying, "fuck you all" when he's the slightest bit unhappy. But this isn't a single man with no attachments choosing to throw something away. He's a husband now, he's a father. There's a lot more at stake. And I don't think he's seeing the entirety of the picture here. You're not just ending a relationship between two people this time, you are breaking up a family. He's a child of divorce himself, his father walked away completely when he was four, yet he's so willing to make his daughter the same thing. He'd never completely abandon her, mind you, but he would be apart from her a lot more if a divorce happened. My initial reaction was, "What the fuck is wrong with you?". Like, you have this chick who knows you, who you've been with for 17 years now (on and off) and who wants to build her life with you and you wanna throw it away for no good reason? Think outside yourself for a minute and consider your child. Then consider the woman you love and committed your life to. People would kill for what he has but he's just ready to toss it aside. Nevermind that he downplays his part in all this. He won't acknowledge the fact that a large part I her insecurities have to do with how they got to this point. I told him to just be one million percent sure that he's prepared for what a divorce brings because there is no going back after that. She's made it known that if this is what he chooses to do, they will be done for good. For now, they seem to be in a holding pattern. *sigh* And I thought I was skilled in the art of self-sabotage.

The Best Part Of Waking Up...

...Is having a hot mess of a conversation.

Friend: I'm going to be tortured this morning
Me: In a sexy way? Or in a working out kinda way?
Friend: I WISH IT WAS IN A SEXY WAY!
Friend: Mom found a dentist from Mexico that makes house calls.
Me: lol That just sounds shady
Friend: I wish I was fucking you
Friend: WITH...FUCKING WITH YOU!!!!!
Me: LOL
Friend: I hang my head
Me: I was like, "Wow, don't hold back"
Friend: LOL Dammit

==========

Friend: I was in so much pain
Me: What'd he do?
Friend: Scrape the buhjesus outta my teeth...he'd catch my gums in the process
Me: *shudder*
Friend: There he was digging away with his hooks...you woulda passed out from the blood...but I didn't make a sound when the bad man hurt me. I was a big girl.
Me: LOL
Me: I woulda been screaming like a bitch and unapologetic about it yo

Friend: LOL I have no doubt

I Hang Up, You Call, We Rise And We Fall And We Feel Like Just Walking Away

For a friend who desperately needs to remember all of this.

The Way You Swept Me Off My Feet, You Know You Could've Been A Broom

For reasons I will never fully understand, Miss N has taken to enjoying hearing me sing along to whatever song comes on the radio (radio meaning the iPod or radio app). Her favorite, by far, at the moment is The Temptations "The Way You Do The Things You Do". What can I say, the kid has good taste.

We're Here, We're Queer (Just Not In THAT Way)

I love my entire group of friends equally. Would jump in front of a bus for any one of them without a second thought. Trust them all with my every thought, every past shameful deed, my life and the life of my child. And I know the reverse is also true. But as with any group, some relationships are closer than others. The BF and I have always been insanely close. R and A have always been tight, even before they became a couple. And E and G have always been besties. Any of these pairs bicker like old married couples on a regular basis. But E and G...well, they're their own kinda special. We were all shattered when E got his cancer diagnosis but without question G took it the hardest. The two of them didn't speak for awhile after E said he had no intention of getting treatment. They were starting to find some sort of middle ground when E changed his mind and began chemo and G was thrilled. He's basically moved his life here so he can be around to support him. And given how hectic things have been with work and family lately, G's been attending more of E's chemo sessions than the rest of us have been able to. But not until the past few days has his attendance produced such hilarity.
As the world is aware, Apple introduced its newest operating system for its products yesterday and there's been a mad scramble to download it. We're all a bit on the fence for various reasons and so none of us have bothered with all the hype. Still, G loves new technological crap and wanted to see what the iOS looked like in person. Most people would go to an Apple store later this week and mess around with it. G is not normal. E got into deep conversation with a fellow chemo patient and, out of boredom, G decided to download iOS 7 to E's phone. E was less than thrilled. He's lived with it for 24 hours now and says he's still not a fan and keeps telling G to fix it. On the way into chemo today, they were bickering as they do and continued to do so throughout treatment. At the end of the session, the doctor walked in and both listened intently to an update on how everything is going before E left the room to fill out some forms. G stayed behind to pick up their stuff and a female nurse approached him and said she thought it was really great that he comes to support E every session. G said it was the least he could do since E's put up with him for 13 years. Then the convo took a turn.

Nurse: "Wow! 13 years? That's amazing. Ya'll must be so excited the law changed huh?"
(Nurse continues cleaning up room nonchalantly)
G: "What law?"
Nurse: "Legalizing gay marriage."
G: "Um, actually we're not a couple. I'm married. To a woman."
Nurse: "Oh my god I am so sorry! Ya'll were so supportive of each other that I just assumed!"
Nurse: "So...is E dating that exotic looking girl he comes around here with?"
G: "Y? No. Just friends."
Nurse: "The other girl, then?" (A)
G: "Nope."
Nurse: "The ridiculously attractive Latin guy with the eyes?"
G: "...Since we've already established that I am not gay, I assume you're talking about Giuseppe. Yes, he has eyes. And no, also not gay."

After establishing that E is not dating any of us, she asked for his number and G obliged. She's a nice chick so hopefully something comes of it. If nothing else, she provided us all a great laugh. Although I'm sure G and E don't think so since they've been dealing with, "So when is the wedding" texts all afternoon.

No Tamale Left Behind...But A Whole New Perspective On The Tamale Maker

Me: LOL Oh man...
Friend: *jeopardy theme plays as I wait*
(Me copying the convo to friend)
Crazy Aunt: Mijo, how do I set up this camera again?
Me: I set it up before I left
Crazy Aunt: I know but I had to move it and the tripod doesn't fit in my bedroom. Help!
Me: ...I am NOT editing anything filmed in your bedroom
Crazy Aunt: Only from one angle
Me: ...Still a no
Crazy Aunt: I saw this online, I want to try it but I don't think I'm flexible enough
Me: Please STOP
Crazy Aunt: Oh jeez that was meant for James
Me: ? Who is James?
Crazy Aunt: Mijo, he and I are amorous together
Me: LOL Seriously, please stop texting right now

Friend: You just made me cackle. So worth the wait
Me: Crazy aunt wins at life. She's setting up cameras in her bedroom and I'm hobbling around like an old dude because I hurt my back
Me: lol right? "Mijo, he and I are amorous together"
Me: I love how she said it do matter of factly as if she wasn't traumatizing me
Friend: LOL I. LOVE. HER. And so does James apparently

==========

Also, thank you to everyone who checked in on the family and I during the flood. The messages were greatly appreciated and I'm happy to report all of the clan is safe and sound. This was my favorite message o' support because it spiraled from, "Hey, don't die on me" to talk of gay 12-ways in record time. Only my friends, yo.

Friend: To my dearest [Giuseppe], I'm praying for you and your family during the floods in Colorado. You chose one heck of a time to go home and I wish there was more that I could do for you. I love you more than I have the capacity to express. You are my everything, please stay safe or else face my squirrely wrath!
Me: Much appreciated [called friend by the wrong name and gender]. I have no doubt you'd haunt me in the afterlife #NoOneGetsOutAlive
Friend: Smooth. At least you didn't call me by some other chick's name...THEN I'd be breaking some dishes!
Me: What if I called you by your slave name?
Friend: NO. You may only use my free name: Paprika
Me: Hi, my name is Basil and...well...I used to be a slave *reaches for Oreo*
Friend: *busy stuffing her mouth with Oreos* "I can taste the sad, Bahsul" (that's right, I Austin Powered the pronunciation of your free name, wanna make something of it?) *slaps the Oreo out yo hand*
Me: *runs out the room like Peter Griffin after realizing he was in a gay 12-way*
Me: And before you ask, yes I'm shirtless.
Friend: ""AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHTHESEAREMINEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Friend: Whoa what? You never told me you were shirtless, get back here! I have tamales for yoooouuu!
Me: *runs back for tamales* These are mine.
-----
Friend: LOL I just saw your response on FB
Me: lol You know I never leave a tamale behind
Friend: Now no one will ever believe that I love you
Me: Why?
Friend: Buhcuz of the way we talk to each other. We're mean
Me: Hey. HEY.  It's called camaraderie and it's a sign of understanding
Me: We're not mean, we're smartassed
Me: And sometimes that involves slapping sugary snacks out each others hands or calling each other slaves

King's Ransom

*SPOILER ALERT* - If you watch, or are watching/reading "Under The Dome", then don't read on.

I've long been a Stephen King fan. It started in childhood when I read "The Shining" at age 10. It scared the bejeezus out of me, while simultaneously making me want to visit the haunted Overlook Hotel, otherwise known as The Stanley Hotel in my homestate of Colorado. Every year the Stanley (which is a historical landmark in Estes Park, a beautiful little town that is now under water unfortunately) hosts "The Shining Ball" on Halloween, which includes a costume party and a viewing of the film, which also broadcasts 24 hours a day, 365 days on year on TV's in each room. (Sidenote: The Stanley catered to the elite back in the 1900's and Margaret Brown of Titanic infamy was one of the guests. Her house is also a historical landmark in Colorado. Geek out concluded.) It is also rumored to be haunted. Several ghost hunter type shows have been filmed there, as was the mini-series of "The Shining" (the movie was shot in Oregon). I went years ago with a girlfriend and our neighbors experienced some freaky crap. But it's amazing that one book could lead legions of people to wanting to visit this place. And after reading that book, I was one of them. I was hooked and I've read several of his books since, but haven't read one in the last few years. I intend to re-read "The Shining" and "The Stand" at some point though, hopefully this winter. As much as I like his books, I tend to favor the television and movie adaptations of them because they're usually very well done. Usually. (More on that later).
"The Shining" with Jack Nicholson is of course a classic and one of my favorite movies of all time (the update was just so-so, but then you can't top perfection). "The Stand", about a superflu that takes out everyone in it's path, is as relevant today as it was then (they're also updating that into a movie, I'm not impressed). "Storm Of The Century" was the first King work written as a mini-series, instead of a book and it is also close to perfection. It centers on a tiny New England town in the midst of a hellish snowstorm that takes an even worse turn when a mysterious stranger appears. I'd watch a monkey read the Bible if it said it was "based on the novel by Stephen King". Which is why I was looking forward to his first television series, "Under The Dome". It's based on the novel of the same name, which clocks in at over 1,000 pages long. I wanted to read it when it came out but the few reviews I read were so-so and I chalked it up as one of those "before I die" kinda books. The previews for the show were great and the first few episodes were addicting. "Under The Dome" focuses on a small town (a common theme with King novels) that had an incredibly large, clear dome lowered down over the whole of it. In typical human fashion, they cope by losing they damn minds while trying to figure out what the hell the thing is. The dome is soundproof and nuclear weapon proof. The military attempts to blow it up but only succeeds in destroying everything in the vicinity except the dome itself. They seem to have no idea what it is anymore than those trapped inside it do. The characters are just meh. No one you truly want to root for, some a little too gimicky. There's a lesbian couple, one white and one black and both badly casted, who were just passing through town when the dome dropped. They have a troubled teenage daughter who turns out to be crucial to the plot. There are all of the small town folk; the townie young waitress at the diner, the older townie who owns the diner, the deputy who idolizes the sheriff but isn't really cut out to be an officer. And then there's Big Jim. If there is one well developed character in the entire thing, it's Big Jim. He's the town councilman and fancies himself its savior. From the gate, we know Big Jim has some knowledge of why this dome has come down, and that he desperately does not want it to be lifted. We also learn that Big Jim is shady as hell in just about everything he does, that he's involved in every scam or questionable racket in town. Of course, most of the town doesn't know this and trusts Big Jim with their lives, but a few know better. The episodes got less great as time went on but I stuck with it, believing there would be some kind of pay off at the end. Last night was the much hyped and much anticipated finale. And man was it not worth the time. AT ALL.
Leading up to the finale, we found out there was a mini-dome located inside the big dome (got all that?). The mini-dome has taken to four people; the diner waitress, her brother, the daughter of the lesbian couple who don't even live there (one half of which has since died of diabetes complications) - and Big Jim's troubled son, Junior. Junior was apparently super close to his mom but not so much to dad. Mom died before the viewer came into the story so we see Junior still grieving and desperately seeking the approval of his ruthless father. He both loves and loathes his father, often all in the same scene, and he's incredibly resistant to being one of the "chosen ones". We also learn Junior's mom was believed to be a bit loopy at the time of her death (which was supposedly a suicide) and painted for hours on end in her studio. Some of those paintings included a night sky with pink stars appearing to fall from it. Pink stars become a running theme; all of the chosen ones have seizure-like episodes where they utter, "the pink stars are falling" while in a catatonic state. It soon becomes clear that she may not have been so crazy after all. There is a cocoon inside this mini-dome that they believe will bring them closer to an answer once it hatches into a butterfly, as well as what looks like a giant egg shaped object they believe to be the power source of the dome. The cocoon hatches and with it comes a complete blackout inside the dome, the entire thing turning black. During all of this, the three of the chosen ones (Junior's taken dad's side at this point) encounter what appears to be the woman who died of diabetes, the mother of one of them. But all is not as it appears. The woman says, "Forgive us, we're still learning how to communicate with you and have taken on a familiar form to bridge the gap.". Aliens. OF COURSE, the finale includes aliens. Because I'm watching it at midnight, that's why. And if you know me, you know that aliens scare the hell out of me. This...thing, tells them that they need to protect the egg at all costs but provides no reason why, no idea of who to protect it from, and no explanation about the dome. She only says it's very important that they not let it fall into the wrong hands. The egg is thrown into the water and the blackness begins to give way to pink stars (the effect is fantastic). The dome goes from completely black to completely whited out from the outside and then...the credits roll. SERIOUSLY? Yep.
To say I was livid with the finale would be a massive understatement. Finales are big events, they are to provide answers to the viewers who have dedicated 15 hours of their lives to you. Even "Lost", which was maddening in its questions and mythology, gave payoff in every premiere and finale. "Lost" is my gospel for TV shows because they mastered the push and pull of providing answers while also posing new questions that kept people coming back. In six seasons, there was never a finale that didn't advance the story. The "Under The Dome" finale was just so scattered and poorly written. I kept waiting for something to happen and when it did, it was in the last act and fell completely flat. I was unaware the show had been renewed for a second season, slated to air next summer. I hate "summer series" because they usually air a very limited number of episodes (example" TNT's "Falling Skies" airs only 8 episodes every eleven months). Usually, you only wait three months for the next season of a show to begin but with the summer ones, it's almost an entire year before they return. If that's the format you're going with, you better BRING IT. People have short attention spans, if you're only giving them one large payoff to last an entire year then it better be worth the time. And apparently, I am not the only one who felt cheated. I took to the interwebs to see what the hell that was and found a number of similarly miffed viewers. A lot of people claimed they were done with the show because it had such a mess of a narrative all season long and then provided no answers in the finale. The jury's still out for me. Entertainment Weekly had a write up with a much more intriguing wrap up; The dome is a sort of time portal that it set over the town in order to protect its inhabitants from an impending apocalypse, something that the aliens saw happen and turn back the clock to alter. The idea is that the dome will protect enough of the human race so that they can repopulate the earth after everyone else dies. See, that would be a finale. And a decent story. Once the alien thing made its entrance, I considered the possibility that the dome was to protect them from the outside for some reason. That's the logical jump to make. And I guess that could still happen next season, but I doubt it.
Still feeling cheated, I decided to Google the book and its ending. King has said the series will have a different conclusion (if the ratings aren't significantly lower next year and it's canceled before it can reach a conclusion) than the book did so I figured there was no harm in looking it up. The book has 4-star reviews on Amazon but if you go through them, you will see A LOT of people giving it one or two star reviews due to a couple of factors. The first being that the book portrays the inhabitants of the town as stupid small town folk who don't know nothin' bout the big cities. Another criticism is that the book is chocked full of talk demonizing Republicans, which seems a bit out of place in a story like this. Big Jim is as political, shady and greedy as a politician can get but still, remember you're writing for a large audience and they don't care about your own politics. But the biggest criticism of all has to do with the ending.  In the book, the ending is as follows: Multiple townspeople touch the mini-dome and have visions that lead them to the conclusion that aliens placed the dome over the town. Specifically, juvenile aliens placed it there as a form of entertainment, a human ant farm of sorts. This is their toy and they watch everything that goes on for no reason other than their own amusement. In the book, Big Jim is heavily involved in the production of meth and a shootout at the yard where he produces it results in an explosion that kills most of the town. Those who aren't blown up begin to die off from the toxic fumes produced by the explosion. What's a survivor to do? Well, two of them are somehow able to make contact with an adolescent female alien (yes, that's what they call her in the book). It goes on to say that one of these survivors expresses that the town is full of "real sentient beings with real little lives" and then, "by sharing a painful childhood incident with the single female alien, she convinces her to have pity on them.". Apparently, the alien is more open to the idea of letting them go because she is, "no longer accompanied by her friends and thus not caught up in their peer pressure.". The dome lifts and the town, or what's left of it anyway, is freed. Oh, and Big Jim dies of a heart attack. Um...wow. Just wow. First off, what the hell kinda story from your childhood do you share with an alien? "You know, I was bullied too as a child but I didn't put a dome over a small town"? Second, it's a shame peer pressure exits in every universe and on every inhabited planet. Third, a heart attack is too good for Big Jim. I'd rather see his crimes found out and then let the townspeople do what they will with him. The ending of the book is almost comical in how ridiculous it is. The ending of the show remains to be seen but anything would be an upgrade over this. Plus, my beloved "Twilight Zone" did an episode quite similar to this and did it MUCH better. And, here's the kicker, it actually made sense (what a concept!). This has not been one of Mr. King's shining moments thus far. He's said to be writing next season's premiere. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing now. My faith has been shaken ya'll.

I Will Follow Him

Yes, the rumors are true - I've decided to give Twitter that good old college try once again. Follow me for pointless thoughts delivered in 140 characters or less. #ShamelessSelfPromotion

Rowing, Rowing, Rowing Down The Highway

Yesterday, we were all advised to stay indoors unless it was absolutely necessary to go out. It wasn't for us, so we stayed put. And after half a day of that, even I had cabin fever because it wasn't just, "stay home", it was "stay indoors" because of the flash flooding. We watched TV and movies, I worked, we played hockey on the Xbox and listened to music. We were still bored out of our minds yo. And it didn't even rain yesterday, not until late last night. It's been raining on and off since then and there are more closures today. We ventured out because we needed food and, of course, Starbucks. It was early but the roads were ghost towns and the highways are closed so you can't get in and out of the town you're in (hopefully they open them tomorrow because I'm supposed to fly out). The store had a good amount of people in it, Starbucks had a drive-thru line around the block. And we're lucky we went when we did because the road we took to get there was closed on the way home. I've never seen flooding like this before my very (now clearly visioned) eyes, except for Hurricane Katrina. But people knew that storm was coming, this one came out of nowhere. It went from, "expecting some rain" to statewide flash flood warnings. Roads are destroyed, even some towns have been wiped out. The news reported that this is the largest scale air evacuation since Katrina, so that gives you an idea of what we're dealing with. And we're dealing in our typical fashion, with smartassness and cautious optimism. It was hilarious seeing what shelves were cleaned out at the store and which weren't. Coffee creamer? GONE. Mom couldn't get her desired flavor and ended up pouting about having to get a different one, prompting her to say, "What did everyone do? Say, 'let's go get our coffee creamer!' and then go home to die?". Milk and eggs were still full. Water had been virtually untouched despite some places having been told to conserve water and other places having their water sources contaminated. Soda? Gone. Baking supplies? Gone. Microwavable meals? Gone. So apparently there are a lot of caffeinated bakers living off of Stouffers until the storm passes. Methinks it's not wise to be baking, nor stock up on things that need to be frozen when there's the potential for a power outage (however, the coffee creamer thing, I understand and good for you Colorado!).

WANTED: An Ark

You know, I'm starting to think I'm the reason that bad weather hits my hometown. I mean, in the past few years I've been here during blizzards and heatwaves. And now a 100 year flood. What's that, you ask? A 100 year flood is the kinda thing that only happens, well, every 100 years. It's an extraordinarily rare event that most people will only see once in their lifetime, if that. I would've been quite content to not have seen one in my lifetime. Instead, the entire state is flooding like crazy...and it ain't over yet. Let's recap: It began raining early in the week, and proceeded to rain for three days STRAIGHT. Seriously. The rain didn't let up once. Yesterday was sunny and had no rain, but many places and streets were closed (my mom almost couldn't get home from work). Today is supposed to be the big finale for the rain, and thus may produce even more flooding. It hasn't started raining yet but it's expected to this afternoon and into the evening. Everyone's been ordered to stay indoors so as not to get stuck in a lake somewhere and have to be rescued. There are images all over the news of people in boats and kayaks trying to get out of the water. People are even catching fish on main roads that have flooded. There's a lot of water in the state anyway, not to mention a major river. It's a good thing all of our sports teams are out of town this week because no one would be able to get to them, or get home anyway. So far, so good where we are. But tonight is making me a bit nervous. We had a weird ass power outage yesterday where only one light in the entire house flickered and then everything reset. The cable guide was knocked out, the internet had to be reset. It was like that flicker was just enough to disrupt things. Hopefully, we make it through everything unscathed and this rain lets up soon. Good vibes appreciated, ya'll.

Distract Your Children Well

My brother-in-law's father is sick, which means he and the sister have flown out to be with him. Which means I was commissioned to babysit the chillens. Which means I couldn't fly home yesterday (although I may not have gotten out anyway due to all the flooding). Which means I had up scramble to find a new direction for the project I was gonna shoot this weekend, and I'll also be unable to go to the Broncos/Giants game Sunday. Although, the last part kinda works out because it means I won't have to watch my team amongst a sea of misguided New Yorkers. Instead, I will be attempting to get four kids (my sister's three; 14, 11 and 4, and Miss N) and myself through the weekend generally unharmed. I've done this before, and it included my brother's kids. No one died and I've been handed the responsibility again so I guess I'm a decent parental figure.

Thus far, I am not doing so hot. Last night, my niece asked how old I was when I lost my virginity. I said 30. Keep in mind, I'm 32 now and Miss N is 5. Unfortunately, the niece can do math and didn't believe me. I didn't know how to answer her question given that I was her age when it happened for me. The solution? Everyone gets mini-s'mores and soda! That seems to have stopoed the questions for now. But I feel like she's gonna ask me again and I should have an answer ready (a lie, of course). I may have to go through this with Miss N in ten years time anyway so it's good practice. Tonight, we were all in the kitchen making dinner for my mom and I had mixed emotions. On one hand, it is fantastic to outsource chopping and stirring and running back to the fridge to a bunch of little workers. On the other hand, the younger set didn't appreciate my choice in music (an 80's/90's mix that is AWESOME) and made their feelings known. Loudly. Repeatedly. Whiningly. The solution? Turn it up and play the adult card!

A friend of mine has four kids under 11 and is with them ALL DAY LONG. She homeschools them, she goes to the store with them, she takes care of them when dad is on business trips, which is a lot this time of year. They're great, well behaved kids (as are mine), but DAYUM. I've been doing this for less than 24 hours and I'm tired. Tired and understanding of the folks who only have one child. Two is doable, I used to want three. Four kicks your ass and doesn't stop throwing punches even after a knockout. And now a member of the bunch just asked what an affair is. The solution? Everybody back up the kitchen to make sweet rice for dessert! (Only in this multicultural house would we have Italian for dinner and Mexican for dessert).

Let Me Conversate, Better Yet Regulate

This song has been stuck in my head for a week, ever since a friend and I had a late night hip-hop off that involved us exchanging lyrics in an attempt to stump one another. The result? One of us fell asleep and the other was too lazy to type out long ass, bad Englished lyrics. We picked it up again a few nights ago and...well, let's just say it was less a competition and more of a collaborative megamix. There are certain songs that put you in a good mood the second they come on and that you never even think about skipping when they come up on the shuffle. This is one of those for me (as is 'Regulate', which I'm sure will feature here eventually).

To The Left, To The Left...Wait...No, That's Right

W: Some douche knocked off my drivers side mirror

Me: Like while you weren't there?

W: Yep

Me: Fucker

W: I can't think of an expletive good enough 

Me: How bout, "He broke off my left mirror. MUTHAFUCKIN LEFFFFFFT!!!!!"

W: LOL!!!!!

W: You are so attractive to me right now

Me: LOL. I felt it was the appropriate response in that situation

W: You were spot on

Me: Thank Fonz he didn't break off your right mirror huh lol

W: Uh...it WAS my right mirror 

W: LMFAO Oh god

W: Apparently the bitch knocked my helmut off too

Me: LMAO. Good god

W: I'm laughing my ass off in the middle of a store. I just don't give a fuck right now.

Me: Oh man, this is hilarious.

W: I can't breathe. It's the shower all over again.

W: I needed the laugh so hard

Me: So did I

Life & Death

Funerals are bummers. Even more so when you can't go out and get bombed afterward. Since I've given up the drink, I've felt a lot better in general. I have to actually work through things instead of just drinking something or taking something and ignoring it all. And I've needed that for some time now. Yesterday was the service for the baby. I'd never been to one of those before. It was extra depressing in the sense that he never got to actually live a life. Until now, all the funerals I've attended have been for older folks who lived some sort of life before their departure. I'm not much for funerals though and avoid them whenever possible. I feel like it's easier to say goodbye in my own way rather than amongst a bunch of other mourners. The timing of this loss is interesting for me as it comes almost six years to the day that my surrogate grandmother passed away. Which marks six years since I got my act together.

I've covered how my SG passed away in a previous post. I was upset with her for awhile because it was a preventable death. Then I was upset with myself for a number of reasons I've also talked about before. It wasn't until about three years ago that I went from angry to just sad. Because I miss her. I miss our conversations about life and her stories about growing up with my grandma. I miss being able to share things about my work with her, she was always one of my biggest supporters in that area. She was endlessly fascinated with my love for film and loved talking about that stuff. I really miss having her around for the holidays, both because her excitement for them every year was infectious and because she was the most amazing cook. Her loss is what moved me to clean up my act. It was one of the best changes I've ever made. It's quite possible I'd be dead right now had I not changed my ways. I'm definitely happier and move a little closer to contentment with every passing year, something that's always been a challenge for me. I just wish she didn't have to leave in order for me to learn that lesson.
I'm coming to the end of my visit with my family and I'm super bummed about it. I'll be back three times in the next three months but I'm still gonna miss these weirdos. This trip wasn't exactly what I expected, but it's still been a lot of fun. 

But What I Really Wanna Do Is Play Quarterback

I have to admit I am mystified by the Tim Tebow situation. For me, and most Denver Bronco fans who actually get football and don't just jump onto bandwagons, his presence is a dark period in the Broncos history. He was drafted by an incompetent rookie coach who then benched his decent-ish starter in favor of Tebow, an unproven rookie who was not very good. Almost immediately upon being drafted, the Tebow mania began in my hometown and I still have no idea why. People bought his jersey before he even stepped onto an NFL field, he had endorsements thrown his way, he was the lead story on sports reports everyday. Why? No clue. Apparently, he was a bit of a god in Florida during his college career, but even then analysts questioned if he could make it in the NFL as a QB. Spoiler alert: He couldn't. Every pass he threw was bad but sometimes he got lucky and it found a receiver. His decision making in general was terrible, always throwing to the most covered receiver. It turned the team into a bit of a joke. They made the playoffs that year but it was in spite of themselves and it wasn't in any real convincing fashion. No one could credit us as having made it with hard work and great plays because everyone knew that wasn't the case. I was beyond thrilled when John Elway, the most beloved sports figure in Colorado and former Broncos QB, was hired to run the team. The man won two Super Bowls back to back and wants nothing more than to return his team to its former glory. He fired the incompetent rookie coach, he benched Tebow and then he went out and got a legitimate QB by the name of Peyton Manning. Tebow departed the team and landed in a New York Jets uniform. The Jets have an enigma of a QB in Mark Sanchez, someone who has much more NFL experience than Tebow but who has a similar knack for making awful decisions. Still, Tebow was not utilized much and became disenchanted with the Big Apple leading to another departure, this time for New England. Now, having signed there he had to have known he would see little to no playing time since NE has Tom Brady. But he went anyway. And in the one game he played in a Patriots uniform (their last pre-season game), it was typical Tebow; a few picks, a few lucky completions and mostly him running the ball. That's what it was when he was in Denver too; Tebow running the ball. We had two capable running backs, a number of capable receivers and the gameplan for Tebow to run the ball. Because it terrified the hell out of the entire state when he threw it. For now, Tebow is homeless. The Pats released him before the season began. Another team inquired about his availability to play another position and was basically laughed at. And that makes no damn sense. He was basically a glorified running back anyway, so why not give that a shot if it lands you on an NFL team? If that's his dream, of course. He tried the QB thing and it was a nightmare, accept that you can't hack it and switch to being an RB, or even teach the boy how to catch and have him be a Tight End. That's the body type he has anyway, he's a big guy. But no, he wants to be Prom Queen, not just a part of the Court.
I think 99% of Tebow's "success" (or appeal, shall we call it) had nothing to do with his football skills and everything to do with his religion. Sure, some of those Florida fans bought up his NFL gear because they believed in him and wanted to see him succeed, as most of us do when we're invested in someone's career from the very beginning. But SO much of the coverage on him was about his faith. Tebow's an outspoken Christian who co-authored a book with his mother about her decision not to have an abortion when she became pregnant. Sort of a, 'hey girls, I almost went through with it but didn't and now my son is perfect and soon-to-be rich' kinda thing. I always thought he and his mom came off preachy as hell. Every interview with Tebow took a Jesus turn eventually, and not always in the 'this is just my faith' way, but more in an attempt to convert. I'm all for freedom of religion but only if it includes freedom of ALL faiths, not just Christianity. If a legitimate player who was, say, Muslim came into the league and was outspoken about his beliefs and prayed on the field after every game, he would not be as popular as Tebow, even if he were a potentially Hall of Fame QB. In fact, people would probably lose their damn minds about him "flaunting" his religion. But Tebow, a supposedly virgin (yeah, right) Christian fella? He can get on his knee and pray all gameday long and he's praised as a hero of some sort. The hero worship of him is so bizarre. He's done NOTHING to deserve anyone's respect as a football player, but he's still benefiting from his occasional association with it. The thing about that though is, eventually, there will be a fall from grace. There always is. I don't know what it will be, but it is inevitable when you have that many people idolizing you for your alleged perfection. I guess we'll wait and see. For now, I'm just glad I get to watch a legitimate Broncos team play every week and that I don't have to hear about the Tebow madness anymore.

Stuff

Lesbian on TV show: "After 15 years together, this happens."
G: "Man, fifteen years. The gays know how to keep shit together."

G: You know what's funny? When any of the rest of us refer to our ex, everybody knows exactly who we're taking about. But when you refer to an ex, we have to refer to pages 4 through 24 in our manwhore manuals and take a guess.
Me: LOL Manwhore manual
G: lol You're welcome

(This is me.)

(These is my peeps.)

(This is the BF.)

(This is also me.)

(This is the BF and Agent W.)

(HERE! HERE!)

Two Things

~ I've had inexplicable fevers all week long and haven't slept more than four hours a night in as long. I may soon become a...CHIMPANZOMBIE (that was for you, Agent W).

~ E's chemo seems to be working!! No new growth of the tumor and it shrunk a bit. If that keeps up, they should be able to operate later this month to remove it and he could be headed towards health. We cannot WAIT to plan another remission party.

The Dreams In Which I'm Dying Are The Best I've Ever Had

I was musing to a friend the other day about how I set out to post a song a week and I've actually kept up with it. She joked that this is the longest I've ever stuck with anything. And that's kinda true. I was late to the party on this song, I first heard it on a pivotal episode of CSI and had it downloaded before the show was even over. It's my go to depression song and there's been plenty of that to go around this week.

Feel The Burn

Her: I like your new FB picture
Her: I...saved it to my phone like a stalker
Me: LOL I love the shamelessness in your confession
Her: Helloooooo new photo ID pic

----------

G: You lookin' all GQ in your new Facebook photo
Me: lol Yes G, I'm all kindsa GQ in a t-shirt
G: Mi madre gustos tu ojos
Me: Is your mom hitting on me?
G: lol Well, she is single now
Me: Tell your mom I said, "Hey girl" and then winked
G: LOL Heeeeellllllll NO, old timer
Me: Don't talk to your step-daddy that way, son!
G: My step-daddy is dead. Tragic accident.
Me: No, I'm not. I'm...oh.
G: lol He always was a slow man.
Me: LOL I want a step-daddy who's a slowww man, I want a step-daddy who don't think too much
G: LMAO. You win at life, my friend.

----------

Cousin 1: "He's gonna do her wrong, right?"
Cousin 2 (just out of a break-up): "Probably. He's a man."

----------

My niece and I have been slowly making our way through a painting project involving Van Gogh. I'm less than thrilled with my progress and said I didn't want to finish my painting.

Bro-In-Law: "So you're just not gonna finish it? What is that teaching the kids?"
Me: "That when things get too difficult, you give up."
Me: "You good with that?"
Niece: "Yep."

(Not surprisingly, I'm finishing the painting.)
----------

Me: Nah, she just wanted to bounce some ideas off me.
Best Friend: Well, you're good for advice
Best Friend: Which is ironic, since you never take any lol
Me: lol Well, those who can't, advise.
Best Friend: You CAN, you just DON'T.
Best Friend: You're that kid that when someone says, 'don't touch that, it's hot', you touch it anyway and then you're shocked you get burned.
Me: That analogy...sums up my entire life
Best Friend: LOL I just realized the same thing

----------

Me: "I think your blonde roots are showing...oh wait, your whole head is blonde now."
Best Friend: "Excuse me, I was blonde when I met you, sir."
Me: "Nah, I don't remember that."
Best Friend: "I do. I was the good looking blonde in incubator A and you were the lady killer with blue eyes and dark monkey hair in incubator B."
Me: "I did not have monkey hair!"
Best Friend: "Only on your back."
Me: "You know, it'd be shame if someone snatched your blonde weave right now."
Best Friend: "Bring it, monkey boy!"
Mom: "I will pull this car over, [BF's full name, followed by my full name]"

Some things never change yo.

Hide My Head, I Want To Drown My Sorrow

Well, the news has been nothing but bad lately, has it? Just when you think things are beginning to look up, here comes another monsoon. Last night my mom got home late and brought news that her car had trouble starting. This morning, it "really had trouble" starting and now we're concerned she won't be able to get it home tonight, or get back to work tomorrow. I wish I could get her a new (used) car. I have a feeling that's the only thing that's going to be reliable, it seems like the parts on this one are failing one by one. And in such a timely manner, always when there's no money in the bank. I shouldn't complain since it was very low-maintenance for most of its life but this year, of all years, is the one it chooses to have issues in. I hate not being able to do a damn thing about it. All I can do is stress and hope things work out, knowing they likely won't since that's the kinda year it's been. And the hits just keep on coming.
My best friend's sister (SK) was all mean girl during our high school years. She and her clique were bitchy to everyone except each other. The contrast between her and her sister was amazing, everyone loved the best friend because she was actually nice and not really clique-y. I've never really gotten along with SK for the simple fact that she was a mean girl. We grew up together, we tolerated each other, but we've never been friends. During our college days, and slightly beyond, SK ran the gamut of sexual orientations; she came home with a high school friend and claimed she was gay, then said maybe she was bi and finally brought home a dude for Thanksgiving dinner. I think most of this was just to get a rise out of her father and get attention, but only she knows for sure. Everybody was a bit shocked when she began to settle in with the dude she brought home a few years ago. But not as shocked as when she announced (via Facebook, no less) that she'd dumped bachelor number one and was engaged to bachelor number two. The BF's immediate reaction (and FB reply) was, "You're pregnant huh?". Right on the money. They'd been dating all of five minutes, she found out she was pregnant and they decided to get hitched. Two months later, they eloped and the past seven months have been about settling in together. I have to admit, I've been shocked at how much she's settled down herself. I've seen her in a whole new light the past few months and I was looking forward to meeting the newest addition to the family. But I guess it was not to be. She was scheduled for her seven month check-up yesterday and everything came to a halt when the doctor couldn't detect a heartbeat from the baby. Eventually she got one but it was weak, so they rushed her in for a c-section. Little Jackob James had many medical issues and it became apparent that he would not survive very long. Mom and dad vetoed any heroic measures and chose to wait for the inevitable and let him go peacefully. He moved on at 7:22 this morning, having met his grandparents, aunts and uncles and his cousin, Miss L. He'll be laid to rest early next week in the same plot as the grandmother he never got to know in life.
I think the worst thing there is in terms of loss is to lose a child. Whether it's in a situation like this, hours after birth, or years down the line the hurt has to be unimaginable. You love your kids from the moment you know they are on the way, there is already a bond when they're born. At that stage, the loss is about what could've been, and this little person you will never really know or get to see develop into its own person. Losing a child years down the line, you're mourning for who you did know, who you loved and raised and clothed and sheltered. But either way, I don't know how you get over something like that. I ADORE Miss N more than I've ever loved anyone else. More than I ever will love anyone else. She's just my world and I can't imagine how I would function if anything ever happened to her. She's by far the best thing to ever happen to me. I was so excited for this week, excited to be with the family and go to games and just hang out. But it blows. Over all this negative shit.

I Know Your Heart, I Know Your Mind, You Don't Even Know You're Being Unkind

It's a Monday and therefore not Friday, which is music day here on the blog. But I heard this one for the first time in years on my nifty radio app and now I can't get it out of my head. So let's do something crazy and post TWO songs in one week. I love the beginning of this song. The rest is weird as hell, but likable. Back to the 90's, I say!

Eggs Over Easy

Teenager: "Damn. $80,000 for your eggs."
Y: "Yeah, but there are so many complications that can come from that."
Y: "And your eggs have to be in like perfect condition or they won't take them."
Teenager: "I wonder how they test for like really good eggs though." 
Me: "Just another weeknight in the [last name] household..."

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The scene: Me sitting on the couch and watching TV at around eleven at night. When I suddenly get a random text from my cousin/

Her: Then he says, "It's a simple procedure, I just have to insert this thing into you"
Me: ...
Her: OMG That was meant for [female cousin]!!
Me: So then your date went well huh? lol
Her: LMAO Noooooooo!!
Me: I could've sworn your mommy had the talk with you a loooooong time ago
Her: I'm 34, it wasn't that "loooooong" ago, ass