Life & Death

Funerals are bummers. Even more so when you can't go out and get bombed afterward. Since I've given up the drink, I've felt a lot better in general. I have to actually work through things instead of just drinking something or taking something and ignoring it all. And I've needed that for some time now. Yesterday was the service for the baby. I'd never been to one of those before. It was extra depressing in the sense that he never got to actually live a life. Until now, all the funerals I've attended have been for older folks who lived some sort of life before their departure. I'm not much for funerals though and avoid them whenever possible. I feel like it's easier to say goodbye in my own way rather than amongst a bunch of other mourners. The timing of this loss is interesting for me as it comes almost six years to the day that my surrogate grandmother passed away. Which marks six years since I got my act together.

I've covered how my SG passed away in a previous post. I was upset with her for awhile because it was a preventable death. Then I was upset with myself for a number of reasons I've also talked about before. It wasn't until about three years ago that I went from angry to just sad. Because I miss her. I miss our conversations about life and her stories about growing up with my grandma. I miss being able to share things about my work with her, she was always one of my biggest supporters in that area. She was endlessly fascinated with my love for film and loved talking about that stuff. I really miss having her around for the holidays, both because her excitement for them every year was infectious and because she was the most amazing cook. Her loss is what moved me to clean up my act. It was one of the best changes I've ever made. It's quite possible I'd be dead right now had I not changed my ways. I'm definitely happier and move a little closer to contentment with every passing year, something that's always been a challenge for me. I just wish she didn't have to leave in order for me to learn that lesson.
I'm coming to the end of my visit with my family and I'm super bummed about it. I'll be back three times in the next three months but I'm still gonna miss these weirdos. This trip wasn't exactly what I expected, but it's still been a lot of fun.