I previously referred to a friend of mine as "Groomzilla" on this very blog when discussing his march towards the altar with his longtime girlfriend. I love the dude, have known him since we were five years old, but...I don't know. I will continue to love him no matter what path he chooses to take from here. I'm just not sure if he's seeing the big picture. The short version of all this is that he's a recovering alcoholic who dabbled in drugs and has been with this woman for most of his adult life. They met in the latter part of his teenage years, dated for a long ass time and then split when she finally chose not to take his crap anymore. He cheated on her left and right and got more brazen about it as time went on. He got into drinking and occasional drugging and went to rehab and she stood by him through that. But a year later he relapsed and cheated on her in their home with his AA sponsor (which is why you're not supposed to have a sponsor of the opposite sex). She dropped him and said she'd had enough and he decided to clean up but she still wouldn't take him back. He dated all kinds of chicks but none of them lasted. He remained sober and got himself a live-in sober companion. And eventually they began seeing each other again. He asked her about the prospect of marriage just weeks after they reunited and she said that he needed to be sober and faithful for awhile before she could consider that. A year to the day after that convo, he proposed and she said yes. Everyone told him to wait on an actual wedding and the bride also agreed. But he had to get married ASAP. And she gave in. They married a year later. Now everyone was telling them to wait on kids and, for once, he seemed to agree with us. They both said kids were down the line, he was just out of his 20's and she was a few years older but in no rush to procreate. Well, best laid plans. They were pregnant by their first wedding anniversary and they both freaked out. Then they entered the acceptance phase and got excited about it. I was happy for him, he was sober and happy and in a really good place. Enter parenthood. They didn't cope well with the sleepless nights and the lack of alone time. Her moods post-partem were unpredictable. But they both stuck it out and began to inch toward a new normal as their daughter hit the six month mark. Everything seemed fine until a couple of weeks ago when he turned up for a visit to the family house sans wedding ring, something he's worn religiously since they got married. No one asked about it until it became obvious he was no longer wearing at all at any time. At first he was annoyed by the questions but eventually came clean and said he was considering divorcing her. Why? Because of a trip he planned.
For almost a year now, he's been trying to plan a boys trip for the end of next month. When he first brought it up, she was pregnant and gave a resounding, "hell no" in response. She softened her stance after the baby was born but made it clear that she had reservations, mostly about whether or not he would remain sober or faithful. He never listened to her reasons, just kept his blinders on and said he was going and she didn't own him and couldn't stop him. He decided to book a cruise...because a boat full of booze and half dressed ladies is where someone with his issues should be. I declined the invite but he and bunch of other friends, some good influences, some not so much, have all decided to go. Once she realized he already booked everything, she gave him only one stipulation: take a sober companion. He flew off the damn handle, claiming she just wanted someone to "spy" on him while he was gone because she didn't trust him. She said she DID trust him not to cheat, but she just wanted some insurance about the drinking for the sake of their child. He stormed out and they've been living apart since. The real kicker is that a friend who is going on the trip told him he would only agree to go if a sober companion came along and he swore that would be the case. So...either way you're taking a sober companion, yet you're willing to leave your marriage because she wants you to take a sober companion? What the fuck kinda sense does that make? And if you don't intend to or think you will do something wrong, then why are you so bent about her wanting to make sure nothing happens? I don't get it.
I've long been familiar with his pattern of saying, "fuck you all" when he's the slightest bit unhappy. But this isn't a single man with no attachments choosing to throw something away. He's a husband now, he's a father. There's a lot more at stake. And I don't think he's seeing the entirety of the picture here. You're not just ending a relationship between two people this time, you are breaking up a family. He's a child of divorce himself, his father walked away completely when he was four, yet he's so willing to make his daughter the same thing. He'd never completely abandon her, mind you, but he would be apart from her a lot more if a divorce happened. My initial reaction was, "What the fuck is wrong with you?". Like, you have this chick who knows you, who you've been with for 17 years now (on and off) and who wants to build her life with you and you wanna throw it away for no good reason? Think outside yourself for a minute and consider your child. Then consider the woman you love and committed your life to. People would kill for what he has but he's just ready to toss it aside. Nevermind that he downplays his part in all this. He won't acknowledge the fact that a large part I her insecurities have to do with how they got to this point. I told him to just be one million percent sure that he's prepared for what a divorce brings because there is no going back after that. She's made it known that if this is what he chooses to do, they will be done for good. For now, they seem to be in a holding pattern. *sigh* And I thought I was skilled in the art of self-sabotage.
