Even At My Worst, I'm Best With You

I recently began re-watching "Friends" from the beginning. That's show is without question one of the best of all-time an I choose not to associate with people who think otherwise (seriously, I fought with a girlfriend once because she claimed she didn't "get" it). The Ross/Rachel tug of war that takes place throughout all ten seasons is masterfully written. We see them go from getting reacquainted to a one-sided crush, to another sided crush, to actually dating and then to the infamous (and hilarious) break. Eventually, a one night stand leads to a baby and, in the finale, they get it together for good. Regardless of whether they were dating each other or dating (or in Ross' case, marrying) others, the one thing that remained throughout all ten seasons was their friendship. And as Phoebe so eloquently put it early on in the show, "she's his lobster," the "She" being Rachel. Lobsters mate for life and, according to Phoebe, even decades free they first begin to mate you can see little lobster couples walking along the beach holding claws. It's an odd image, yes. But the whole lobster thing has always stuck with me. Maybe because it's a nice concept, isn't it? Being with that one person for the rest of your life.

Twinkies Ruin Lives!

Usually two post days are bad days but my god, today has been filled with so much hilarity that my side hurts from laughing about it all. I just...I have no words for what we just witnessed. Some of  the fam and I were eating a late lunch and decided to go through the DVR and catch up on some TV. I am an Investigation Discovery channel addict and have been almost from the minute the network launched a few years ago. There's something for everyone; shows about evil twins, shows about evil non-twins, spouses killing each other, private investigators, redneck murders, family murders. I don't tend to watch one of ID's more 'meh' shows entitled "Redrum" (love the title though as it's from my favorite movie). The show follows a crime from end to beginning, much like detectives have to do when investigating any crime. I like the show but not enough to tune in regularly, plus it's only a half hour long and they take too many commercials during their shorter shows. But "Redrum" is what the cousin wanted to watch and so we did. And I am ever so happy that we did because this half hour contained the most hilarious story I have ever seen (it's unfortunate that it actually happened and someone lost their life).
The show begins with a hooded man wielding a gun knocking on the door in a suburban neighborhood as the neighbors look on. The door opens and the man follows the occupant of the house up the stairs and fires at him. The victim jumps out a window and the gunman follows, firing two more shots before fleeing the scene. Neighbors rush to the victim and call 911 and the guy is pronounced dead. The gunman goes home, removes the remaining ammunition from his gun and calls the police to turn himself in, however his crisis of conscience seems to have passed by the time they arrive as he now denies having shot anybody. He pleads not guilty to the charge but is eventually convicted and sentenced to life in prison. What prompted all of this, you ask? What else? Marital discord. The man's wife began having an affair with a much younger man that involved S&M and role playing. He sent her messages saying what he wanted her to wear, what role to play and what he was going to do to her and they had their fun for about a year before she tired of him and broke it off. In one of their...encounters, he wants her to play a stranded motorist that he happens upon and takes advantage of and calls her shortly before he arrives to say, I kid you not, "And don't forget the cream-filled cakes bitch. I want them in the front seat when I pull up.". For a minute, I had to make sure this wasn't my life story as you know how fond of cake I am. Sure enough, the two of them get it on in the car and then sit in the front seat and eat some Twinkies. It was...bizarre. But just when I though that would be the best part of the show, things got even better. The wife broke off the affair, but for some boneheaded reason she'd printed out their emails (I assume so she could read them while she ate Twinkies) and her husband found them. The husband is reading all of this sexual stuff they did/want to do to each other but shit gets real when he reads and recites out loud, "And don't forget my cream-filled cakes bitch". No sooner does the sentence leave his mouth that he looks up at her and he says to her, he says, "You brazen bitch!" with such gusto that I thought dude was gonna go postal right there and then. And then he decides to kill the younger man who ate delicious snack cakes with his wife.
I mean...WOW. Just wow. I can't decide what was better, that someone needed to know they were getting a snack after the sex in order to get off, or that someone found the snack to be more offensive than the sex that took place. Also, how on earth did ID allow this to become a comedy? I'm thankful they did, but it's like whoever is supposed to direct this ish phoned it in and no one in post-production gave a damn that the scenes were funny. It's not like the Twinkies were an integral part of the murder or anything. Or maybe they were, the husband did seem quite upset about the cake and sort of 'oh well' about the sex. Even I can't imagine getting that upset over cake of any kind, and I love cake. But hey, I guess we all react in different ways when we find out our wife bought cake for another man while doing the weekly household grocery shopping. I'm surprised this has not yet been a Lifetime movie, it has all of the hallmarks of one; betrayal, kinky cake sex, murder, the suburbs. Let's cast Tori Spelling, partner up with Hostess and get this mother made already. Thank you ID. You so enrich my life with this kind of programming.

Lobstah & Fish

Agent W and I had a convo yesterday about how she feels like something is missing from her life. A few months ago, she visited a psychic who told her that the relationship she's currently in is not the last one she will ever be in. And so, I chimed in with my wisdom and such...

W: I'd think it was the psychic chick, except I have had this feeling for years, it comes and goes regardless of who or what's going on in my life.
Me: Maybe it's just cuz you're still waiting on your lobster
W: lol My lobster?
Me: lol Yes. It's from "Friends". Rachel won't date Ross bc she thinks it's too difficult and Phoebe says that they'll end up together eventually bc Rachel is his lobster. Lobsters mate for life yo.
W: Killer whales mate for life too, you couldn't go with that one? lol
Me: Lobster is a "Friends" reference dude, I wasn't just naming off mammals that mate for life lol
W: I know, but killer whales are bad asses...lobsters don't even make bubbles
Me: Whales aren't bad asses, they're too fat to have any reasonable kind of fun
Me: I don't wanna swim with some chick for life until I have to beach her and she explodes. I want the option of going via land or sea to get away from her when need be.

Then, we expanded on the whole lobster/whale debate...

W: How many times have you found your lobster, Giuseppe?
Me: Just the one time
Me: And that may be all I get and, if so, that's fine
W: I could've sworn I've found my lobster four times.
W: I'm a lobster hussy
Me: Well then maybe you should start looking for a whale lol
W: lol Oh I dated a whale once...definitely not my lobster
Me: LMAO
Me: No wonder women say there are no good men. You're hoarding the lobsters and throwing the whales back
W: LOL
Me: lol Our conversations take us on fantastic voyages, don't they?
W: Oh Fonze, yes they do lol

And finally, because our convos are not complete until insults are hurled both ways...

Me: Well now I don't know if I wanna be a lobster. I don't know what mammal I am. I need a Cosmo quiz to figure it out. "What Mate For Life Mammal Are You?"
W: lol I think you're a fruit fly, so your "mate for life" span would be an hour
Me: lol That...is about right, yeah

Scenes From A Wedding

I don't know what it is about the city, but my family just cannot all be in my neck of the woods at the same time. It's like there's not enough oxygen to sustain us all or something. The fights get amped up, the stress skyrockets and e'erybody ends up getting all up in e'erybody else's grill. Toss in DMC's wedding on the horizon and our first gay wedding as a family in the distance and you have a recipe for disaster. Some highlights thus far:

[The scene: Interior, kitchen. Aunt D and Uncle D are attempting to cook for the rest of us.]

Aunt D: Give me that before you break it.
Uncle D: I'm not gonna break it. I know how to use an oven. You and your menopause go wait in the other room.
AD: I hope you burn your cojones on the bottom oven, jackass.
UD: Back off, woman.
Me: Would it be wrong for someone to wish a marriage like theirs on you during the toast?
DMC: It's like lookin' in a mirror to the future.

==========

[The scene: Interior, rehearsal site. Three o' the male cousins and myself are trying to arrange things to accommodate all of the guests on our side of the family.]

Cousin 1: Why did you have to get married here? Why couldn't you pick somewhere the family could all peacefully co-exist in separate hotel rooms?
Cousin 2: Yeah! Remember that for your second wedding
[Death stare from the groom]
Me: Sorry, he means remember that for your second wedding to the woman you've already been engaged to twice.

==========

[The scene: Interior, car. The Aunts decide to gang up on my brother whose hair is longer these days.]

Aunt D: You need to seriously consider cutting your hair before the wedding.
Bro: No I don't. My hair is fine.
Crazy Aunt: Mijo...I know you're enjoying summer and letting yourself go but you do need to cut it.
Bro: No, I don't.
Crazy Aunt: Si, you do. Unless you're trying to grow it out to star in a Lifetime movie as a sex offender.
Bro: Aaaaaaand with that comment, I will cut my hair before the wedding.

==========

[The scene: Interior, restaurant. Crazy Aunt does some girl watchin'.]

Crazy Aunt: What about that bartender? She's cute.
Cousin: Nah. That waitress is pretty though.
Crazy Aunt: No, not her. But she would be perfect for my son!
Cousin: You just said not her!
Crazy Aunt: Mijo, please. She's gorgeous. I meant not her for YOU.

==========

[The scene: Interior, a bar. Crazy Aunt...oh forget it, I can't even explain...]

Crazy Aunt: You wouldn't like her mijo, she's not a fat bottomed girl.
Me: What?
Crazy Aunt: "Fat bottomed girl. Big butt. Juicy doubles. Or is that boobies? No, I think it's ass."

And we're only halfway to the big day, ya'll. Ain't family events grand?

Fight Club

Almost since birth, Y has been referred to as my "first wife". My family has always believed her purpose on this planet is to whip me into shape and turn me into marriage material someday (they're still waiting on that second one). Living in close proximity to your best friend has its good points and its bad ones. Such as...

Me: You know that stuff you left me to use on my hair?
Y: Yes, did you use it?
Me: It's orange.
Y: Yeah...?
Me: Like really orange.
Y: What does it matter? If it works, it works. Just use it already.
Me: The color freaks me out.
Y: Oh good god. I have you on one line bitching like a little diva about the color of hair products and [her boyfriend] on the other line bitching about how he can't find something in the kitchen. This is why you never hear of any woman having brother husbands. Because we can only stand one of your useless asses at a time.
Me: LOL. Jeez. I was just pointing out the color. Don't have to go all nuke-a-lar about shit.
Y: lol Oh, I'll show you nuke-a-lar, Miss Turner...
Me: LOL If I was a diva, I certainly wouldn't take lip from you, Ike!
Y: LOL. Well done.

As if that were not enough torture for one day, then came this...

[A pulls up picture of good looking convict that's sweeping the social networks]

Y: What a shame. Had he made different life choices, he could've been an actor or a model.
G: Just think, Giuseppe, had you'd made different life choices, you could've been the hot convict taking the world by storm.
Me: LOL. Who are we kidding? With my current life choices, I could still be the convict that takes the world by storm.
A: LMAO. Amen!

But When The Morning Comes, Don't Say You Love Me, Don't Say You Need Me, I Really Don't Think That's Fair

I remember having this song on repeat when I was involved with one particular ex. We'd worked together way back when and lost touch for a few years. I don't recall how we got back into each other's lives but I know we ended up at dinner and by the end of that, it was obvious we were going to spend the night together. And we did. And then it became a regular kinda thing. I'd been under the impression when we first caught up that she was engaged to someone she'd been with for like eight years, but when I brought it up at dinner she quickly dismissed it as a rumor, saying the engagement was "oh hold". I didn't ask what that meant, and honestly I didn't really care. Our time together was all over the place; sometimes the textbook definition of a casual fling in that the only time we spent together was when we were hooking up, sometimes hanging out all day before the inevitable conclusion to the evening. It was a great arrangement for me at the time, but I started to get bored with it and began asking what exactly all of this was leading to. I'd known all along that she was also seeing other people and it didn't really bother me, but I started to get to that place of wanting a relationship (although not necessarily with her). She didn't wanna hear anything about us becoming more than what we were but pacified me about it as best she could. Seeing the writing on the wall, I attempted to extricate myself from the situation but it was difficult since we...got along so well. Eventually, it did end and she went back to her fiance. I've heard about her occasionally over the years. Apparently that engagement didn't take and she ended up wandering for awhile before getting engaged to someone else. That also didn't work and she turned around and got hitched to another dude on a whim after only a few months of dating. As far as I know, they're still married. I feel like just about everyone I know who has been engaged has done it at least twice. Starter engagements are the starter marriages of this millennium.

Club Wed

Well, there has just been way more marriage talk than I am comfortable with on the blog lately, hasn't there? I blame my cousins. Our token gay couple are pondering a fall wedding, much to Crazy Aunt's delight, and DMC is getting hitched at the end of the month and has suddenly become a groomzilla. Ever since they got engaged (for the second time), all either of them has been saying is that they want to be able to just show up the week of the wedding and get hitched and move on with their life together. They lied. As the date draws near, they're both driving everyone crazy by checking and double checking schedules and making sure we all have our suits or dresses ready to go for a wedding that's still two weeks away. Methinks the nerves have set in. I never got this far into planning my own wedding but I woulda put myself outta my misery if I were this annoying about it. It's one day, people. When the day ends, you're gonna be committed to each other until one of you dies (or offs the other one), and the day of the wedding will just be a beautiful memory. I get wanting things to be perfect but I feel like peeps lose perspective when it comes to weddings in that they become overly obsessed with the details of the day and forget about the lifetime that comes after it. I'm a bit surprised that the bride is so nervous though since this is her second wedding. She's always been far more laid back about everything from the engagement to the planning because she's done it all before, but it's like his neuroses are rubbing off on her all of a sudden. And it's annoying the rest of us. Let's get this show on the road and move on to the circus that will surely be Crazy Aunt's gay wedding extravaganza.

Strategize Yo Sista Wives

Me: There were these three women though
G: Yeah, and then I'm sure you took them home and ya'll had a fourgy and then the next morning one of them made you breakfast and another one baked you bread and shit. Cuz with three chicks, one of them is bound to know how to cook.
Me: LMAO. Baked bread? Since when does Laura Ingalls participate in fourgys?
G: LOL. I don't know. Just seems like the kinda luck you'd have. That one of them would be Suzy Homemaker. I feel like you would strategize yo sista wives.
Me: LOL
G: lol Or in this case, your one night harem. One who can cook, one who can bake and one who can cook in a room other than the kitchen.
Me: Do you not know me at all? They'd ALL be able to cook in a room other than the kitchen.
G: LOL My apologies. I forget you're a manwhore extraordinaire.
Me: I feel like you'd strategize your sister wives in such a way that they didn't know about one another.
G: lol Fuck you Giuseppe.

Tall, Dark, Short And Lean

Let's face it, life was a whole lot less entertaining before auto-correct.

Me: I'm in Starbucks and someone's phone just went off and you hear "SHE KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT BIG FAT BUTT!"
Friend: LOL Well good morning to them too
Me: lol It was this tiny little chick too. She was all kindsa embarrassed and just walked out.
Me: I should totally change Y's ringtone to that and watch the magic happen.
Friend: lol So long as you change it to "It's Training Men"
Me: LOL Training men
Me: Womensz all be like "Hallelujah! We're training men. AMENNNNNNN."
Friend: LOL DAMMIT (and yet it works)
Me: "I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna let myself get training aids that are made for pettttttts. Ooooooh, I'm training mennn."
Friend: LMAO And I bow down

Conspiracy Theory

Last week the mother of my child, henceforth known as MC, gave our child a Starbucks gift card and Father's Day greeting card to give to me today. My mom got her weekends mixed up and til Miss N that last Sunday was Father's Day and that she should give me the gift. Miss N complied and I took a look at the calendar, realized she was a week early and said as much. My wonderful little girl snatched both cards outta my hand, flashed me a dirty look and went and put them away until it was actually Father's Day. Flash forward to today, which we spent finishing a section of our yard work, and you'll find me completely cardless. Miss N lost the greeting card sometime in the span of seven days and while she remember the gift card, my mom held it for "safe keeping" and then spent a portion of it on her and the kid. On top of that, mom yelled at us for not getting her a Father's Day cake, even though she was the one who told Miss N last week was Father's Day. And did I mention she spent my money? Methinks she had this allllll planned out.

Parental Guidance Suggested

One of my Facebook friends favorited a religious post that used Bible logic to claim divorce should never be an option for couples, especially if they have kids. Supposedly, couples who divorce are "forcing their children to carry a burden you were not willing to carry". Not surprisingly, this generated a ton of comments, some agreeing and some...really not agreeing. Those in agreement all used some sort of religious jargon to defend their stance, claiming divorce is one of the worst things a person can do if they have children and that folks should stick it out no matter what. Those in disagreement pointed out many instances in which divorce should be an option, such as in the cases of abuse or infidelity and said that it's wrong to stay in something that sets a terrible example for children. Some of the comments got nasty, which was uncalled for, but that seems to be the case whenever religion comes into the discussion.While I see the point the religious folk are making, that people give up too easily and divorce and their kids suffer, I don't agree with much else that they had to say. Yes, it's true that marriage has strayed far from what it used to be, and what it should be. I agree that people go into it with the idea that they can always just get divorced if it doesn't work out and they divorce for the pettiest reasons, often on a whim. If you get married, it should be a very serious thing and you should honor your commitment to stick it out and make it work. But I don't agree that "a godly marriage" means you overlook anything and everything that might happen. Nor does marrying someone with the same beliefs guarantee that divorce will be eradicated. People change and grow in and out of their faith, so there's always a chance things could end in divorce. The point is that there is no fail safe when it comes to making sure your marriage actually lasts until death, and that staying together no matter what is not always the best option. Divorcing doesn't make you a bad person anymore than staying in a bad marriage makes you a good one and anyone who thinks so is misguided (and probably in a bad, yet "godly," marriage).

Whenever people have these kind of marital debates, my two cents always have to do with my brother-in-law's upbringing. His mother had a son while in high school and in her senior year, she met a man who she fell in love with and they married and became a family. From the start, things were incredibly shaky because they fought often. They thought having children together would stabilize the situation and went on to have two sons and a daughter over the next seven years. When he was 15, the oldest son that she'd brought into the marriage was killed and it sent the entire family into a tailspin. Things weren't good before that happened but afterward, it just got nastier. They divorced but couldn't even do that civilly and battled in court for three years over custody of the kids. It was during this time that I met and befriended the bro-in-law, who had now become the oldest brother. We were about 12 and used to go into an after school program while we waited for our parents to get off work and come pick us up. This was at the height of the court battle and his parents traded off picking up the kids from school. One afternoon, the bro-in-law took a tumble outside school and broke his wrist and both parents showed up. It was total chaos from the minute they got out of their cars; fighting about who would take him to the hospital, arguing about where the kids would stay that night and general cursing out of each other in front of a bunch of kids. The school wasn't sure what was going on so they called the cops and it became an even bigger scene (all of this outside of a Catholic school, mind you). That prompted the court to make the kids choose who they wanted to live with. Two chose to go with dad, the third chose to live with mom and they switched off on weekends. But the handoffs were never without drama and all three kids ended up having a lot of hostility towards the parent they held most responsible for everything. In his early 20's, the bro-in-law asked his mom why she didn't leave sooner and she said they'd "stayed together for the kids" because they felt that was better than having a "broken home". He told her that he'd never remembered their home not having been broken and all that he'd ever witnessed was the negative side of marriage, which prompted him to decide he never wanted to get married (by then, he and my sister already had their oldest child and she was on the fence about getting hitched). Inexplicably, both parents were shocked to find out than none of their children had any interest in marriage and that two of the three were terrified of it. In spite of what happened, all three grew up to be wonderful people and the bro-in-law is a great father. The family itself is still quite fractured though. They never have any family gatherings and dad has since remarried someone just a few years older than his sons. He and his new wife had a son of their own awhile back but none of his kids acknowledge their half-sibling. The bro-in-law has never allowed his own kids to experience the dysfunction that his parents subjected him to, making it clear from day one that if either of them brings up the past or badmouths the other, they won't be allowed around the kids.

Fortunately, the bro-in-law and his siblings seem to have broken the cycle and are not repeating their parents mistakes. But that's not usually the case, is it? A lot of people who grow up in dysfunction continue to be drawn to it long after they reach adulthood. And that's one of the reasons why staying together no matter what is a bad idea. More than anything, what you should want for your children is that they grow up in a loving and stable environment and their childhood is full of some of the most carefree years of their lives. Because that's what childhood should be - carefree. They shouldn't have to mediate their parents disagreements or live in a house where yelling is the norm. In my opinion, verbal and emotional abuse are just as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse. Those things leave scars that take forever to get over, if they're ever gotten over at all. We set the example for our kids when it comes to what is and is not okay in relationships. If they see major dysfunction in a marriage, they take that into adulthood with them. If they see a loving marriage, they take that with them and, hopefully, they flourish. But neither of those things is guaranteed. I know people whose parents have been married forever and they can't finish a sandwich, nevermind committing to someone for a lifetime. And I know people who grew up within awful home environments and are amazing at relationships. The point being that experiences from our childhood are ingrained within us well into adulthood but once we come of age, it is up to us as to which path we decide to take. Miss N was young when her mother and I had our issues to remember much about them and we're thankful for that. There seems to be a negative association with kids who come from "broken" homes, and she fits the bill just as well as mom and dad do, but it's 2014 and families come in all shapes and sizes. If Miss N's mother and I were still together, we'd be miserable and our child would be able to tell. Kids are quite perceptive that way. Let's be honest, we all screw our kids up in some way or another, no matter how great their childhood is. All we can hope for is that we screw them up in a fun way, rather than in a "gonna need major therapy/become a hooker" way. And showing them what a functional relationship is, whether it be a marriage or a co-parenting situation, is a good way to make sure the former is the kind of screw up they turn out to be. As is showing them when to pick up their marbles and go home.

We All Live In A Green Coffeehouse

I was running errands with the fam today (and btw, it is a BILLION degrees here. I don't remember the last time I needed IV fluids after a simple day of shopping) and we stopped by Starbucks after breakfast for our coffee fix (this after having coffee with breakfast and before we left to go breakfast...don't judge us!). The young lad behind the counter saw my Beatles t-shirt and started talking about how he bought the complete remastered box set when it came out. That convo is right up my Beatles superfan mom's alley and the following is what...uh...followed.

Mom: I own all of their albums except, I think, Magical Mystery Tour.
Barista: From which re-issue?
Sister: From B.C. times when they were originally released.
Mom: *shoots sister a look* Yes, I was around when Jesus walked the earth.
Barista: Wow! You have them all on vinyl?
Mom: Yep. And I have the picture discs.
Barista: I am soooo jealous right now! That's awesome.

*Barista leaves to go help another customer*

Me: Now, when you take an accidental fall, I inherit that collection, right? I mean, as your oldest son and all.
Mom: *laughs* He thinks he inherits them all when I "take an accidental fall".
Barista: I was gonna ask if I could inherit them.
Mom: You seem much nicer than my own kids so sure, why not.

You're My Best Kept Secret And That's The Way I Like It

This song has been running through my head for a few days now. Total is one of those forgotten 90's R&B groups that some people know and some people don't. Admittedly, I never bought a Total album, but I am a fan of the singles they released and this is probably my favorite. Enjoy the weekend, kids!

The Yin And The Yang

A few days ago, one of the besties sent me this and said it reminded her of me:

Not 24 hours later, another bestie sent me this and said it reminded him of me:

The next day, my favorite client texted me saying this:

Her: You know I'm into the astrology, right?

Me: lol "The astrology". Yes, Ma Kettle, I am aware.

Her: lol ANYWAY, one of my astrology books said, "The Taurus male is equal parts rugged bad boy and old-fashioned gentleman". And I was like, yeah that sounds like him.

Me: Is that good or bad?

Her: Good. Very, very good.

An hour later, this came on down the line from the best friend:

Y: Remind you of anyone?

Me: Yes. And I for one think it is shameful that you don't take advice from others.

Y: lol Uh huh

The moral of the story? You are not living life to the fullest unless you have folks in it who will compliment you one minute and then bring your ass right back down to earth the next.

Hot N Ready

['Take Home Handyman' was a show on HGTV some years ago where a handyman would wander the aisles of a Home Depot and find someone about to work on a big home improvement project. He would help them design it and then help them build it, all on HGTV's dime.]

Her: You're like that 'Take Home Handyman' show...
Me: lol Except I am not a trained handyman.
Her: Except he did all of his work in that tight black t-shirt...and you could see his muscles poking out...and when he stood straight up, you could see the outline of his chest through that tight black t-shirt...do you wear a tight black t-shirt while you do this work?
Me: LOL. I feel like you need a cigarette right now after that flashback to the handyman show...
Her: LMAO! Hell yes, I do. He was gorgeous. Now answer the question.
Me: No, horny wanna be housewife. I do not wear a tight black t-shirt while I work. Because it's 80 degrees and I would die. And I don't wear much black anyway.
Her: Damn
Me: I did wear a wifebeater today though while I worked.
Her: White?
Me: Si
Her: And then did you pour water all over yourself when you got hot? And you could see the outline of your chest through your white wet wifebeater? lol
Me: LOL. Jesus, go hump a tree already. You're in heat.
Her: LOL I know...I have issues. But did you? lol
Me: lol No. Because I'm not Magic Mike.
Her: lol Well, you're certainly no 'Take Home Handyman' either. He let me have my fantasies AND let me grab his ass that one time.
Me: I think your definition of 'let' and HGTV's security guard's definition of 'let' are two very different things, my friend.
Her: LOL. Here here!

Do Gooder

A few weeks ago, I spent the day with Crazy Aunt helping out at a food bank. It's something she does every so often and I've always wanted to go with her but we could never coordinate our schedules so that it worked out. While we were there, she told me about this woman she's become friendly with over the last year or so. This woman has a daughter and her reason for turning to the food bank was because she just got out of an abusive marriage and is trying to get back on her feet. For awhile, they were living in a shelter and then moved to an apartment while she saved up to buy a house. A co-worker of hers flips houses on the side and offered her a foreclosure property he'd bought dirt cheap a few months ago. It's in pretty good condition on the inside and has room for mom, daughter and, eventually, a dog. But the outside isn't really great. The yard has potential but right now it's full of all kinds of weeds and she obviously doesn't have any yard equipment or money to fix anything up. She came in to get food while Crazy Aunt and I were working and her story struck a bit of a chord with me. I offered to fix up the yard myself and pay for all the materials and she seemed overwhelmed. She accepted the offer and whenever I find time in my schedule, I head out to do a little bit more work on the house. It'll probably take into the fall to get it all done since I have to do it in phases (for both monetary and travel reasons), but so far it's coming along okay.
I told a friend that I was doing great right now and that I'd just come in from working outside and the reply was, "lol Wait, what? You hate yard work.". Yes. Yes I do. I hate it with a fiery passion, in fact. I get hives on my arms from being in the sun too long, my allergies go crazy from being around the weeds and I have an intense dislike of all things insects. If there's one place where I'm a diva, it's when I have to do yard work. I didn't have to do much of it as a kid, not until high school anyway, because my uncles always took care of that stuff. But then we moved and my brother and I had to tend to the yard. Then, I moved to where I had no yard specifically so I wouldn't have to tend to a yard and that's been working out okay for me. It's odd actually...if it's my own yard I have to work on, I get annoyed and I loathe it. But doing yard projects that help others, I kinda dig that. I've done a good amount of it on my trips down south and I have a lot of it ahead of me at this woman's house. I still don't like it, but I see the difference it makes to someone else and that's a beautiful thing. It makes the hives and mosquito bites and sore muscles all worth it.

Making Waves And Catching Rays Up On The Roof

Okay, so this week's song is three days late. But...well, it's my blog and I'll post when I want to. Actually, it was just an über-busy weekend that began on Thursday. Some friends and are doing some charity work and it's been awesome. The work has been hard so of course the play has to be harder. I spent most of my Sunday on a boat, doing nothing. And lemme tell you, I could get used to chillin' out on boats in exotic locations. To which my best friend said, "you should marry rich". And for a boat, I just might marry, y'all. #Unashamed

I'm On A Boat

G: I hate clients who insist on having something done that isn't going to work out and we're just gonna have to change.

Me: Meanwhile, I'm on a boat with a bunch of horny young ladies.

G: Jackass. They are not horny. And even if they are, none of them want your sorry ass lol

Me: Hey! I have been hit on often, sir!

G: For real?

Me: Well...one of them said I look like the kind of decision she'd regret in the morning.

G: LOL. Wow...it's like she knows you!

Me: lol Right? Eeerie yo.

G: Send me a picture.

Me: Of what?

G: Of your Playboy bunny-filled boat, hot shot.

Me: Oh. Don't open the email I just sent then. I thought you wanted a pic of me and my speedo. 

G: lol Ewwwwwww. I knew an unsupervised week with all those Europeans changed you!

Me: LOL. Yes, G. The Europeans got a hold of me and now I think I am one. It's their master plan to take over the world.