Whenever people have these kind of marital debates, my two cents always have to do with my brother-in-law's upbringing. His mother had a son while in high school and in her senior year, she met a man who she fell in love with and they married and became a family. From the start, things were incredibly shaky because they fought often. They thought having children together would stabilize the situation and went on to have two sons and a daughter over the next seven years. When he was 15, the oldest son that she'd brought into the marriage was killed and it sent the entire family into a tailspin. Things weren't good before that happened but afterward, it just got nastier. They divorced but couldn't even do that civilly and battled in court for three years over custody of the kids. It was during this time that I met and befriended the bro-in-law, who had now become the oldest brother. We were about 12 and used to go into an after school program while we waited for our parents to get off work and come pick us up. This was at the height of the court battle and his parents traded off picking up the kids from school. One afternoon, the bro-in-law took a tumble outside school and broke his wrist and both parents showed up. It was total chaos from the minute they got out of their cars; fighting about who would take him to the hospital, arguing about where the kids would stay that night and general cursing out of each other in front of a bunch of kids. The school wasn't sure what was going on so they called the cops and it became an even bigger scene (all of this outside of a Catholic school, mind you). That prompted the court to make the kids choose who they wanted to live with. Two chose to go with dad, the third chose to live with mom and they switched off on weekends. But the handoffs were never without drama and all three kids ended up having a lot of hostility towards the parent they held most responsible for everything. In his early 20's, the bro-in-law asked his mom why she didn't leave sooner and she said they'd "stayed together for the kids" because they felt that was better than having a "broken home". He told her that he'd never remembered their home not having been broken and all that he'd ever witnessed was the negative side of marriage, which prompted him to decide he never wanted to get married (by then, he and my sister already had their oldest child and she was on the fence about getting hitched). Inexplicably, both parents were shocked to find out than none of their children had any interest in marriage and that two of the three were terrified of it. In spite of what happened, all three grew up to be wonderful people and the bro-in-law is a great father. The family itself is still quite fractured though. They never have any family gatherings and dad has since remarried someone just a few years older than his sons. He and his new wife had a son of their own awhile back but none of his kids acknowledge their half-sibling. The bro-in-law has never allowed his own kids to experience the dysfunction that his parents subjected him to, making it clear from day one that if either of them brings up the past or badmouths the other, they won't be allowed around the kids.
Fortunately, the bro-in-law and his siblings seem to have broken the cycle and are not repeating their parents mistakes. But that's not usually the case, is it? A lot of people who grow up in dysfunction continue to be drawn to it long after they reach adulthood. And that's one of the reasons why staying together no matter what is a bad idea. More than anything, what you should want for your children is that they grow up in a loving and stable environment and their childhood is full of some of the most carefree years of their lives. Because that's what childhood should be - carefree. They shouldn't have to mediate their parents disagreements or live in a house where yelling is the norm. In my opinion, verbal and emotional abuse are just as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse. Those things leave scars that take forever to get over, if they're ever gotten over at all. We set the example for our kids when it comes to what is and is not okay in relationships. If they see major dysfunction in a marriage, they take that into adulthood with them. If they see a loving marriage, they take that with them and, hopefully, they flourish. But neither of those things is guaranteed. I know people whose parents have been married forever and they can't finish a sandwich, nevermind committing to someone for a lifetime. And I know people who grew up within awful home environments and are amazing at relationships. The point being that experiences from our childhood are ingrained within us well into adulthood but once we come of age, it is up to us as to which path we decide to take. Miss N was young when her mother and I had our issues to remember much about them and we're thankful for that. There seems to be a negative association with kids who come from "broken" homes, and she fits the bill just as well as mom and dad do, but it's 2014 and families come in all shapes and sizes. If Miss N's mother and I were still together, we'd be miserable and our child would be able to tell. Kids are quite perceptive that way. Let's be honest, we all screw our kids up in some way or another, no matter how great their childhood is. All we can hope for is that we screw them up in a fun way, rather than in a "gonna need major therapy/become a hooker" way. And showing them what a functional relationship is, whether it be a marriage or a co-parenting situation, is a good way to make sure the former is the kind of screw up they turn out to be. As is showing them when to pick up their marbles and go home.
