Scenes From A Wedding

I don't know what it is about the city, but my family just cannot all be in my neck of the woods at the same time. It's like there's not enough oxygen to sustain us all or something. The fights get amped up, the stress skyrockets and e'erybody ends up getting all up in e'erybody else's grill. Toss in DMC's wedding on the horizon and our first gay wedding as a family in the distance and you have a recipe for disaster. Some highlights thus far:

[The scene: Interior, kitchen. Aunt D and Uncle D are attempting to cook for the rest of us.]

Aunt D: Give me that before you break it.
Uncle D: I'm not gonna break it. I know how to use an oven. You and your menopause go wait in the other room.
AD: I hope you burn your cojones on the bottom oven, jackass.
UD: Back off, woman.
Me: Would it be wrong for someone to wish a marriage like theirs on you during the toast?
DMC: It's like lookin' in a mirror to the future.

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[The scene: Interior, rehearsal site. Three o' the male cousins and myself are trying to arrange things to accommodate all of the guests on our side of the family.]

Cousin 1: Why did you have to get married here? Why couldn't you pick somewhere the family could all peacefully co-exist in separate hotel rooms?
Cousin 2: Yeah! Remember that for your second wedding
[Death stare from the groom]
Me: Sorry, he means remember that for your second wedding to the woman you've already been engaged to twice.

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[The scene: Interior, car. The Aunts decide to gang up on my brother whose hair is longer these days.]

Aunt D: You need to seriously consider cutting your hair before the wedding.
Bro: No I don't. My hair is fine.
Crazy Aunt: Mijo...I know you're enjoying summer and letting yourself go but you do need to cut it.
Bro: No, I don't.
Crazy Aunt: Si, you do. Unless you're trying to grow it out to star in a Lifetime movie as a sex offender.
Bro: Aaaaaaand with that comment, I will cut my hair before the wedding.

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[The scene: Interior, restaurant. Crazy Aunt does some girl watchin'.]

Crazy Aunt: What about that bartender? She's cute.
Cousin: Nah. That waitress is pretty though.
Crazy Aunt: No, not her. But she would be perfect for my son!
Cousin: You just said not her!
Crazy Aunt: Mijo, please. She's gorgeous. I meant not her for YOU.

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[The scene: Interior, a bar. Crazy Aunt...oh forget it, I can't even explain...]

Crazy Aunt: You wouldn't like her mijo, she's not a fat bottomed girl.
Me: What?
Crazy Aunt: "Fat bottomed girl. Big butt. Juicy doubles. Or is that boobies? No, I think it's ass."

And we're only halfway to the big day, ya'll. Ain't family events grand?