There's a show on TLC called "90 Day Fiance" and it's just entered
its second season. The first one showed four dudes who brought their
non-American lady friends over on fiance visas, which allowed the ladies
into the country on the condition that they marry an American within 90
days. No marriage means they all go back to their countries of origin.
Season one was addictive, ya'll. It offered up a pudgy American marrying
a shady Russian who seemed repulsed by him, an equally shady, creepy
American Mormon marrying a ridiculously good-looking Brazilian girl, a
divorced man with two non-behaving boys and a nosy ass ex-wife marrying a
woman from the Philippines who was led to believe he had his shit
together (he didn't), and a potentially closeted fella from Oklahoma who
married a gorgeous and hilarious chick from Colombia. Each couple met
in a different way, but the only story that wasn't creepy or mail order
bride-ish was the Okie who was on a trip with friends and met his
intended at a club. And I think she was the only woman who gave up more
than just family to move here as she had her own company and a college
degree and a social life in Colombia (and then he moved her to
Oklahoma...poor girl). Season one was good in a "let's see if any of
them make it" kinda way (and so far, they're all still hitched). But
season two is...it's gonna be a trainwreck.
This season there are
six couples; four American men and two American women, and the
fiance(e)'s come from Colombia, Brazil, South Africa, Tunisia, Nicaragua
and the Philippines. Two episodes in, we have met all but one of the
couples and every one of them makes you wanna say, "No...just no". Allow
me to introduce themselves:
Brett & Daya
Brett
is a divorced dad who's daughter spends the majority of her time with
her mother in the Midwest. Brett, an awkward kinda dude, shares a house
in Washington state with a couple of lesbians in their 50's and his best
friend is a woman in her 60's who does not agree with his decision to
marry Daya. Brett is the first person on either season of the the show
to openly admit that he sought out a mail order bride, though claims he
did it because women from the Philippines have "great marriage values".
And Daya fits the mail order bride description to a T. She's incredibly
high maintenance and materialistic, first getting miffed that Brett got
her an arrangement of flowers instead of roses, then flat out accusing
him of getting her a fake diamond for her engagement ring, an accusation
she proudly repeats to his mother (who is younger than both his
roommates and his BFF). Daya wants to get the ring "checked" and, if
it's proven not to be real, she wants a new, bigger diamond ring.
Brett's mother is already telling him to jump ship, and he was visibly
upset when she accused him of giving her a fake diamond, but he claims
to be in love with her and looking forward to her being an "insta-mom"
to his daughter.
Danny & Amy
Amy
is moving from South Africa to be with Danny in Pennsylvania. Both in
their early twenties, they've agree to abstain from all physical
activity except for quick kisses. Amy arrives in the U.S. in the evening
hours and is whisked away to the middle of nowhere where she'll be
staying with friends of Danny's (that she doesn't know) for the next 90
days. They literally spend 45 minutes together on the ride from the
airport, then he shows her her room, tells her goodnight and leaves. She
asks when she'll next see him and he says the next day after work, to
which she replies, "But...what am I gonna do all day?". He says she can
catch up on sleep and then tells the camera in a confessional that he
thinks she has very different expectations about how often they will get
to spend time together. Oh, and Danny's dad is against interracial
marriage so we'll see how that works out.
Justin & Evelyn
I'm
just gonna say it - Evelyn is too good for Justin. She was a dance
teacher in Colombia when gym teacher Justin struck up a conversation
with her at a rugby match whilst on vacation. He's since taken a handful
of trips back to see her, eventually proposing marriage. According to
Justin's best friend (who finds out about Evelyn for the first time just
before she arrives), he is a confirmed bachelor who never wanted to
settle down so hearing that the dude is not only dating someone but
engaged takes him back a bit. Evelyn arrives to balloons, a limo,
flowers and banners strewn about Justin's bachelor pad and she can't
stop smiling about it all. But, cuz you know there has to be a but here,
reality sets in the next morning when she wakes up to a sink full of
dirty dishes. She asks Justin what's up with that and he says he doesn't
really like housework and he can't do the dishes at that moment because
a game is on and he then proceeds to ask her to do them. She
begrudgingly puts everything in the dishwasher while telling the camera
is bachelor lifestyle isn't going to fly anymore and that she didn't
come here to be a maid. But really, that's what Justin wants is a
live-in maid who will have sex with him. He further proves this point by
revealing no one in his life knows about Evelyn and he's in absolutely
no rush to tell them. Of course, Evelyn wants to meet his family and get
to know the in-laws during the next 90 days. But Justin, who says he's
incredibly susceptible to the opinions of others, doesn't see it as a
big deal that she's his little secret.
Danielle & Mohamed
Here,
we reach the first of two couples that have an American woman bringing
over a foreign guy. And both women are a hot, hot mess. But Danielle is
by far the worse of the two. Danielle has four kids; a 21-year-old son
who is out of the house and three teenage daughters who still live with
her. Danielle met Mohamed in what she calls an "international chat room"
(I didn't even know chat rooms were still a thing, but okay), where
later proposed to her. She worked all kindsa overtime to get a ticket to
see him in Tunisia before ultimately accepting his proposal and
agreeing to bring him over to the U.S. Danielle is 41, a larger lady
with thick glasses and Mohamed is 26 and reasonably attractive...and
Danielle herself sees the issue here. In fact, she's so aware of the
differences that you can tell it's in the very front of her mind all the
time. Mohamed has to take two flights to reach her, one from Tunisia
and another from NYC to Ohio, but he doesn't phone her in between making
his connections and she has a meltdown. MELT. DOWN. We're talking full
on crying and blabbering about, "what if he didn't get on the plane,
what if he got here and just left because all he needed was a way to get
to America". Her teenage daughters have to talk her down before they go
to the airport to see if he made it to Ohio. After an hour-long search
of the airport, Danielle finds Mohamed and they hug but don't kiss and
Mohamed shows no semblance of any emotion towards her. Upon arriving
home, Mohamed puts the kibosh on sex by saying his religion forbids sex
before marriage and then goes on to tell the camera that physically
Danielle is "acceptable" for him. Such a sweet talker, that Mohamed.
Danielle's son later confronts Mohamed and expresses his concern that
the guy is scamming his mother and Mohamed combats the accusation by
saying he gave up his own job and family to be with Danielle. Mohamed
never says he loves her or can't wait to marry her or that he's at all
excited about anything. Danielle comes off a teenager dealing with
hormones for the first time in her life, regularly breaking down in
tears over something. I don't know if that's because she knows what
everyone's thinking when they see the two of them together, or because
her gut is telling her that what everyone's thinking is probably true.
Chelsea & Yamir
I
don't like Chelsea. At all. She's selfish as they come and whines about
how hard it is for her, an American from the Illinois suburbs, to move
her Nicaraguan boyfriend to the States. Yamir (I love his name) is
one-third of the biggest, and only, boyband in Nicaragua, Myla Vox.
Twentysomething Chelsea was in the country to do charity work when she
attended a Myla Vox concert and locked eyes with 28-year-old Yamir. Just
months later as she prepares to depart for home, "they" (read: Chelsea)
decided he should come with her on a fiancee visa. Needless to say,
Yamir's manager/father figure Gabriel was less than thrilled about the
news, partially because Myla Vox are in the middle of launching a new
album. He wrote Chelsea a long letter about how he feels about her and
the move, though I'm not sure why as he has no trouble saying things to
her face. He broke it down for both of them by asking what exactly was
going to happen when they got back to Illinois, considering Chelsea has
no paying job to speak of and Yamir barely speaks English. Singing is
all he's ever known and it's not like he can do that in the middle of
nowhere, Illinois. Chelsea has no good answer but has mini-crises of
conscience where she thinks she might be selfish in moving him, but then
immediately contradicts herself by saying "when you love someone, you
follow them to the ends of the earth," and, "it's really hard being the
one to move him away from his family and group". Yes, Chelsea, I'm sure
all of this is tough for YOU. It seems as though they never considered
doing something long-distance or for her to extend her stay in
Nicaragua, as if the only option to remain a couple was to move and get
married immediately. Myla Vox's future is uncertain without Yamir, so
his decision to leave has ramifications that extend far beyond himself. I
mean, it's not like she's forcing him to go, he did choose to say
'yes'. Gabriel hammers home how uncertain things are at a band press
conference where he announces Yamir's engagement and makes Chelsea stand
up and take a bow so everyone knows just who he believes shares the
majority of the blame for what might be a Myla Vox split.
Separately,
any of these stories would be a trainwreck but woven together, they're
even more ridiculous. And I'm quite curious to see how it all plays out
(and I am not ashamed to say as much).
