Well, it's been nearly a week since the gay wedding heard round the
world and I haven't had time until now to properly go into everything
that happened. Really, it was less a wedding weekend and more Crazy
Aunt's kegger weekend. I swear to you, the woman was durnk the entire
time. But we'll get to that in due time, kids. First, the wedding itself
was awesome and the reception kicked ass. There was an open bar (of
course, this is my family after all) and a mashed potato bar and a
dessert bar. There were probably other things like dancing and toasts
and ish, but I was in it for the bars. We later found out that another
option they'd considered but ruled out was a s'mores bar and I though
there was gonna be a riot over that. But three outta four bars ain't
bad. We went to the football game Sunday night as a family, which was a
great way to end the weekend. The grooms are heading out on their
honeymoon this weekend.
And now, to the portion of the program I
enjoyed most, Crazy Aunt's antics. I mean...words escape me, ya'll. It
all began with the auto-erotic asphyxiation discussion on the way home
from the airport last weekend (as documented here, in all it's
hilarity). Then, she said she was nervous and needed something to "take
the edge off" and began dipping into the alky-hol at around 11AM on
Saturday. Mind you, this was after having had a good amount of drinks
the night before at the rehearsal dinner. The cousins and I went to
breakfast and came home at around 3 to find her slurring her words and
having some difficulties coping with all the gravity that surrounded
her. We gave her some coffee to try and mellow her out since she had to
direct some of the wedding festivities and make a speech later and that
seemed to give her a second wind. The ceremony went without a hitch, and
then it was time for her toast. ...The toast...what to say? She rambled
on and on for a good ten minutes and included such gems as; "This is
the first wedding I've been to where no one getting married had vaginas
and I loved it.", "I wish one of my kids was gay but they're not because
they don't love me", as well as inquiring whether any of the rest of us
were gay "including those with vaginas" whilst shooting my 8 months
pregnant, single cousin a knowing look. She capped all of that off by
wondering if she should just be gay, given that her three marriages to
men didn't work out. Eventually, she passed out in a lawn chair in the
neighbor's backyard after having mingled incoherently with the other
groom's family (who probably didn't find it as hilarious as the rest of
us did, but who cares?).
Did Crazy Aunt's hilarity stop after the
wedding? Oh hell no. The next day, despite drinking coffee from the
late morning hours until we left for the game, she still seemed...well,
durnk. Maybe all that liquor stored up in her body and was on some kind
of time-release system, I don't know. Whatever the reason, she proceeded
to tell me that she got married at 19 and was too young and cautioned
me to wait until I'm "at least 28" to get married. I took the bait and
told her 28 was just around the bend for me, and was greeted with, "OH!
Mijo! We should take a trip when you turn 30!". She had some kinda
enthusiasm in saying that and I didn't have the heart to say, "A) I'm
33, B) You're still drunk and C) You're so drunk that you haven't had
alcohol in 10 hours and you're still slurring your words.". After that,
she settled in and watched the game and swore off alcohol for "at least a
few days". Crazy Aunt, almost a week later, is finally back to her old,
slightly less crazy self. She mentioned to me that she never got to go
to college and I told her that she pretty much got the whole college
party experience over the weekend. That seemed to cheer her up. And
thus, my work here is done.
