Me: I woke up with the "Pina Colada Song" stuck in my head. The one where the dude suffocates.
Cousin-in-law: LOL. Where did you even get that from?
Me: I don't know. I was like 8.
Cousin: How does one suffocate during sex?
Crazy Aunt: It's that auto hypnotic association.
Me: LMAO.
Cousin: I think she means auto-erotic asphyxiation
Crazy Aunt: Yes, that's what it's called, right Giuseppe?
Cousin: LOL
Me: ...Why are you asking me??
Crazy Aunt: Calm down, mijo. I just hear you're very sexually experimental, that's all.
Cousin: LMAO. Yeah, chill out son!
Me: You "hear" this how??
Cousin-in-law: Maybe a couple of your sexy lady friends are in her shuffleboard group.
G: LMAO! You know what they say, loose dentures can't help but blab about sexual adventures.
Me: LMAO. I'm flipping you both off soooooooooo hard right now.
Crazy Aunt: lol Hey, I don't play shuffleboard! Just be careful if any of you do that! It can be very dangerous.
Me: I don't know. I was like 8.
Cousin: How does one suffocate during sex?
Crazy Aunt: It's that auto hypnotic association.
Me: LMAO.
Cousin: I think she means auto-erotic asphyxiation
Crazy Aunt: Yes, that's what it's called, right Giuseppe?
Cousin: LOL
Me: ...Why are you asking me??
Crazy Aunt: Calm down, mijo. I just hear you're very sexually experimental, that's all.
Cousin: LMAO. Yeah, chill out son!
Me: You "hear" this how??
Cousin-in-law: Maybe a couple of your sexy lady friends are in her shuffleboard group.
G: LMAO! You know what they say, loose dentures can't help but blab about sexual adventures.
Me: LMAO. I'm flipping you both off soooooooooo hard right now.
Crazy Aunt: lol Hey, I don't play shuffleboard! Just be careful if any of you do that! It can be very dangerous.
Me: ...This is mortifying. If I had a weapon right now...
G: *Hands you rope and a lime to bite down on so you don't die*
Cousin: ...A lime? How do you know the protocol? lol
G: It was on an episode of some show we were all watching, I don't remember which one. Giuseppe?
Me; Uh, I have no knowledge of the specifics of auto-erotic asphyxiation and I'm a little concerned that you do. It's dangerous, you know.
G: lol Stop playin', you saw the same damn show!
Cousin-in-law: [Crazy Aunt], it sounds like G practices auto-erotic asphyxiation.
Crazy Aunt: [Uses G's full name], that's not safe, especially if you have kids someday and one of you dies during. I want you to stop doing this, okay?
G: I'VE NEVER DONE IT, I DON'T KNOW HOW, I'M NOT INTERESTED!! I just saw it on TV!!
G was right, we did see it on TV. Auto-erotic asphyxiation was the cause of death for someone on "Six Feet Under". I just wanted payback for his dentures crack (which was fucking hilarious, but still). Mission accomplished, I'd say.
