It was an interesting week. First, there was Agent W's breakup. Then, there was the discovery that the face cream her mom has been using for eons includes not only a picture of the Savior on the bottle, but also her mother's name (it's the brand name apparently). Then, an article made the rounds about some woman who committed a crime and found ourselves on her "personal website" that included such gems as, "Madame Gisele is the multi-talented mogul and masterful genius behind so many ventures!", and, "By far one of the most intelligent and fascinating women every born". And then there was the most awesome throwback photo I have ever seen in my life that someone posted to Facebook (name redacted to protect the speshul party).
(After I sent her a photo)
W: I appreciate the porn lighting.
Me: LOL. I wasn't sure if you wanted it for you or because you needed an updated photo for your guide to the hottest holy whores 2015 guide.
W: This one's mine. The one for the guide calls for a spinning bed and tiger print silk sheets.
Me: And Mama B's Jesus cream. In all the right places. #PutTheLotionInMahBasket
W: LOL I forgot about that damn thing. We need to come up with a pervy tagline for that.
Me: Magdalena face cream - Jesus is coming.
W: YES!!! I wish I could share it with my mom.
Me: lol Yeah, don't do that. Marijuana Eyes would be on her bad list.
W: lol Nooooooo...I don't want to translate what coming means.
Me: LMAO. Como se dice, blasphemy?
W: LOL. Magdalena face cream - so good you'll come twice.
Me: Let's make the cream really thick and only fill the bottle halfway. Then. "Magdalena face cream - one second, it's coming"
W: LOL. OR "Don't stop - it's coming"
Me: LMAO. *bows down* Oh my god, it's coming.
W: LOL
Me: OR Magdalena face cream with a pic of Jesus on the front and the tagline, "Hold on, I'm coming".
W: LOL
(Talking about her plans for the single life)
W: I have a lot of ish to catch up on that I neglected because of him.
Me: That's right. Take back yo powah gurl!
W: LOL. Um, that includes getting laid.
Me: Well duh. I meant take back your power by whoring it up, Babylon style.
(She posts to Facebook about having let out an animal cry after a tough workout session)
Me: I heard that animal cry from here. Assumed you'd gotten you some.
W: LOL. Not yet.
Me: I thought it was some kinda native mating cry, like in "Lion King". Except instead of, "It's a lion, oh yes it's a lion", it'd be, "It's some sex, oh yes I'z about to have some sex".
Me: You can keep the mama say, mama sai part though
W: LMAO
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Friend: That's her personal website...dude it reads like a Kanye West song!
Me: I just read the whole thing and still don't know what she actually does. She looks like a drag queen though.
Friend: I thought both those things too! It's nothing but fluff.
Me: I love, "By far one of the most intelligent and fascinating women every born". You need to be straight and to the point yo. If I ever had a personal website (or an ego as big as hers), it'd be one page - "Madam Giuseppe will fuck you hard on the sink. After that, get you something to drink. P.S. - Bring something we can both drink."
Friend: LOL. Stop at the store before I'm all up in you. And who the fuck calls themselves Madam????
Me: Someone who can't spell it lol.
Friend: Feel free to call me Madame once in awhile.
Me: Madame Buttscratcher. That's what I'ma call you.
Friend: LOL. Fetch me thee royal ju-well encrrrusted butt scratchah!
Me: LOL. I totally read that as if I was a royal bitch too.
Friend: LOL! Me too
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(Photo posted to FB including - a giant ass fanny pack, mismatched pajamas, cows in the background, a glass of milk from said cows, random ass cornrows and a very interesting look plastered on someone's face.)
Me: lol You look like a special needs kid on a field trip.
Friend: lol Fuck off.
Me: LOL. You do! The mismatched clothing, the gigantic ass fanny pack...the cornrows that look like an attempt to be "cool". Not to mention holding your milk up like it's some big accomplishment.
Friend: LMAO. Well...when you put it that way.
(I edited the photo to add, "Got Dork?")
Friend: LMFAO! I wish Ellen would see it.
Me: lol Oh it definitely counts as an awkward family photo.
(Four hours later)
Me: Read your text, I don't understand it.
Friend: Okay, lemme break it down.
Me: Break it down for me like I'm you, circa 2001.
Me: *Holds up he milk proudly*
Friend: LMAO. Shit, I walked into that one so hard.
Me: LOL. You did, you did.
Friend: Well done.
