Seriously, what is it about a change in seasons that brings everyone you've ever lost contact with out of the woodwork? Spring is just days away and I heard from yet another ex this evening. But this time it was not BP and her ridiculous 'can we try again' nonsense. This time it was someone I honestly never expected to hear from again. This person and I were together off and on over several years and I was convinced she was it for me. But she never could commit to anything longterm and I eventually got tired of waiting. But I didn't get tired of hooking up whenever we were both single and lonely, something that only came back to bite me because I always got my hopes up that it would lead to a real reconciliation and it never did. She always was upfront about how it wouldn't end up that way, but hope springs eternal. Then late last year, we had a situation that turned out to be make or break time. You know how older folks can tell you where they were when Kennedy was shot? Well, I can tell you where I was, what was in my head and how the earth briefly stopped turning every time I've had my heart broken. And last September was one of those times. I knew that I would have to let her go altogether if the outcome to our situation wasn't what we were both hoping for, but I don't think I actually played that moment through in my mind before it happened. I'd come to the conclusion, but I hadn't really made peace with it. And when that moment came to pass, I was a wreck. It broke my heart and made me so sad about everything we'd gone through, that this was how it all came crashing down. I've since recovered, but I still remember the feeling quite well.
I hadn't heard from her since I ended our friendship, something she never wanted me to do but said she understood. Tonight, in a hormone-induced frenzy, she texted me and went on about how scared she is about the state of her life and what's on the horizon. She asked me if I thought there was ever another chance for us down the road. And she apologized for us ending up the way we did, pointing out how I was always there for her, even after a few nasty ends. My answers to her questions were quite evasive as I know better than to poke around at the hornet's nest that is our shared history, but I found myself feeling very...torn. Unlike the dynamic between BP and I, where she took all she could from me but rarely gave, this person was also there for me through so much and I never questioned that I could call on her when in need. And the reverse was also true. Shortly after we'd called it quits, she called me in tears after finding out her brother had been killed. I dropped everything and flew to her and we spent the next four or so days holed up in her apartment while she drifted in and out of sleep and depression and talked through everything. We went to the funeral together and the get together that came after. And the next night I left and we agreed that friendship was all that was left for us. It didn't work out that way in the long run since we started hooking up again a year or so later, but as I left I really thought that was it for us. And you know...maybe it shoulda been. Would've saved me last year's heartbreak and it certainly would've been a more fitting end for us. That said, I do still care because she's amazing and deserves so many good things out of life. And I truly hope she gets them. But we both need to get that I can't be the one to give those things to her.
