I've often been complimented on my impeccable manners, but I can't really take credit for them. The siblings and I were raised with an emphasis on manners. "Please" and "Thank you" were requirements in our household and there was never any reason to not be polite. Even if you hate a mofo, you mind your manners and shut your trap. I'm thankful that I was raised this way because it serves me well in adulthood. After almost 34 years, my politeness is on autopilot. I say "please" and "thank you" and "ma'am" and "sir" without even thinking about it. I don't know why there was such emphasis on this, more so than in other households most likely, but my sister thinks it has to do with our Southern roots. Grandpa was a Southerner and, though he died young, grandma made sure her kids knew how to be as respectful as he was. That bled into my generation and will no doubt be a major part of Miss N's life. I lucked out there as she seems to grasp the concept of manners and altruism and respect on a level that is beyond her six and a half years, and I'm extremely proud of her for that. Especially because we're living in a world where manners are becoming more the exception than the rule.
There is a saying that goes something like if you're expecting someone to love as hard as you do/treat you as well as you treat them, then you'll be sorely disappointed. Funny thing about humans is we have that whole free will thing going on and many of us are very different people. What's considered respectful to one person can be considered extremely rude by another. Such was the case with BP. She seemed respectful and decent when things began, but whenever ish hit the fan, she did a complete 180. It was self-preservation above all and, after a year of this, I realized that self-preservation would always come out on top. BP lived in her own little world. If she needed to go to a meeting or whatever else, she'd say as much and leave without waiting for any kind of response from me, even if we were in the middle of a make or break conversation. When she wasn't doing that, she would pass out mid-conversation, usually after she'd said what she needed to and it was her turn to be listening to me. Later on, her M.O. became to ignore me altogether and write it off later by saying she was just "busy". Pardon my French but, fuck that noise. I knew any and everyone else were getting her time and attention, the reason I got less of it was because she assumed that loving unconditionally meant I would always be around, no matter how badly I was treated. And for a good, long while, I was too damn polite to treat her the way she was treating me; ignore her messages, avoid her and not be there when she needed to sort shit out. But once I did start doing that, boy did the tables turn. I'm the type who is not great at keeping in contact with people, but will go out of my way to do so with those I consider to be my inner circle. Yeah, I feel bad when I don't return a text or keep in touch with anybody who is important to me, but I never don't return the messages of the inner circle folk. And for awhile, BP was one of those with that priority kind of access. As such, even when in conflict or when I was telling myself I was done for the umpteenth time, I still could not physically stop myself from responding to her. Once I reached the point of zero fucks given, that became effortless. And it was about the only thing that got through to her. After I stopped beating down her door and begging for her time, she finally looked up and realized I was tuning out. Unfortunately for her, she realized it much too late and I was already out the door and down the block by the time she gave me a tiny bit of her attention. Even that spoke volumes too - our relationship was about to end, for real this time, and I told her one day, one hour of trying to work on it may make all the difference, and she still couldn't be bothered to put in more than one minute of effort. Why keep trying when you know the other person would never try for you? That's what my final straw was.
I'd never abandon my manners by the wayside, regardless of what the reason was. I'm as respectful now of people as I was before BP but I know that I did slip some during our time together. She brought me to new lows in many ways and I'm still crawling back out of that pit we fell into. And now I have some company. It was eons ago, but I documented here that Y has trouble dealing with Miss L's paternal grandparents. The drama ebbs and flows but has mostly been between them and her and not involved anyone else, including Miss L's dad who is usually a great guy. There has never been any love lost between Y and his parents, but she and Miss L's dad have a lot of history and I don't think he's ever not been in love with her. He was the first guy she dated after her divorce debacle and he proved to be more than worthy of her rather quickly. He knew what she'd been through and was willing to take it as slowly as possible so that they could build something that would last, and he was also a fan of going slow because he'd recently gotten out of a seven year relationship that everyone, his parents included, believed would result in marriage. Things were great for the two of them early on...and then she met his family. They took an immediate dislike of her when they saw she's not Puerto Rican and that was pretty much the end of any relationship she may have had with his family. They weren't even polite about it to her face, they always made comments about the difference in race and acted like his being with her was the end of the damn world. Because of this, Y called time out on the relationship many times, even though she would've loved nothing more than to commit to him for the long haul. But knowing what she'd be up against the rest of her life if she did was too much. They were off and on for years and then Miss L came along. He wanted to marry, Y resisted but they did try staying together again. His parents had a meltdown over their grandchild being "half undesirable" (their exact words) and it caused friction between all when he chose Y and Miss L over them. The whole thing caused so much unnecessary stress during what should've been an exciting time, especially since it was their first grandkid. But they insisted on making things nasty at every gathering and every event and just kept chipping away at Y and she ended the romantic relationship with Miss L's dad, hoping co-parenting would be easier. At the very least, it would prevent her from having to deal with his family. Eventually, they accepted the kid but still refuse to acknowledge the other half of her heritage and at one point were filling her head with BS about how she shouldn't even claim it and should just say she's Puerto Rican and nothing else. When Y found out about this, she was livid and made it clear to the ex and his family that if it happened again, she would make sure his parents no longer saw her. It stopped and things had settled down for awhile. But now old rivalries have been renewed. The ex has known about her and who she's dating and both guys have even met on a number of occasions. But he did not know they were engaged and that's caused major friction again. He's started acting out by being late returning Miss L and not answering messages and being combative when he and Y have to cross paths. He's being a prick because he can be one, and because he thought her relationship with this dude was temporary and she'd eventually end up with him. This has led to a few knock down, drag out arguments between them, not in front of the kid but still. She's mad at herself for engaging and for getting so nasty towards him, when really her anger is at his family and the situation in general. Having been right there with me through the BP drama, she feels like she's living it all over again and this time she's taken on my role. His parents have now started to involve themselves, telling him to take her to court and try and get custody because her place is "unsafe" and because she leaves Miss L with "strangers" when she travels for work. It's fucking stupid. She leaves Miss L with me or her future step-father when she leaves, and it's rare that she's gone for very long anyway. She'd love to leave her with her father but this kind of shit is why she chooses not to. And he knows all this and was hunky dory with it until he realized she's never coming back to him. Y is nervous about what comes next and has no choice but to wait and see if he goes through with what his parents want him to do. And that sucks. And I can't help, my custody woes were sudden and I had no wait time at all. So we all just wait. Worst of all, I recently started working on something with the dude and I'm finding it hard not to lose my damn religion every time we have to speak. I'd love nothing more than to set my manners on the shelf for awhile, and tell him how I really feel. But I can't, and won't do that. I sure hope he gets his head out of his ass soon, grows the fuck up and does what's best for his child and not for his parents (for once).
