The Way I Am

I had an interesting conversation today about how the relationships we witness in our youth affect the way we handle our own relationships when we grow up. Neither myself or the person I had the convo with have had the greatest relationship role models, and we were both raised by single mothers who ain't need no man (her mom is widowed, mine has never married though was engaged once to a man who passed away before they could marry). Everything the two of us have learned about relationships has been through our own trial and error. We never had those role models we could look to and be like, "Wow, that's how a relationship should be, I'm not gonna settle for less". We did, however, each have plenty of examples of what not to get involved with and, for the most part, I guess you could say we've avoided those pitfalls. But we've discovered we're both quite...uneasy in relationships. Her problem is that she seems to be a magnet for dudes who have some sort of health issue or who are too damn clingy, or both. She wondered out loud today if she subconsciously seeks out this type of guy because she feels as if she needs a challenge, a project, if you will, to work on. My problem is the boredom I mentioned in a previous post, and how I never let myself get too settled or comfortable in anything. It's almost a vicious cycle - I crave that whole contentment thing, would love to feel it at least once before I die, but I never let myself get settled enough to even come close to it. I always catch myself just before I settle into being truly comfortable with someone. While my friend would love a relationship where she's free to do her own thing sometimes without being accused of being interested in someone else or trying to push a dude away, I seem to not be able to get the hang of what "partnership" really means. I do my own thing and often make decisions on my own, when they should be made by both parties and affect both parties. And yet, because you know there has to be an enigma here somewhere, if I feel suffocated or like my freedom is being taking away from me, I leave because I'm not into that. What the hell, man? Where is the happy medium there? I wish I knew. Recently it was suggested to me that I psych myself into believing I'm not good at relationships and that, with the right one/woman, I would be able to change the patterns I've developed. Maybe there's some truth to that. But it's also just not that simple. Some things, some traits, are so ingrained in us that they cannot be changed. And that's okay. Part of getting to know and love yourself is realizing you can't change everything you want to. You were made the way you were made.