If it's one thing I've learned in this life, it's to not get too settled within it. Things change, in the blink of an eye things change, and everything you had can be lost. And frankly, my track record of holding onto things isn't that great to begin with. I was sure I'd spend the rest of my life with my first love, but that didn't turn out. I've been in one, maybe two relationships since then that I thought could go for the long haul, neither or them worked. Things fall apart, usually when you least expect them to, and that is something that is always at the forefront of my mind. I rarely let myself get too comfortable or settled in anything for fear that the rug will be pulled out from under me. But never is this more true than in my romantic relationships. In the past, I hid behind the excuse that I'd rather turn to substances instead of people for solace and because of that, I bailed out of just about everything at the first sign of trouble, or the first hint of, "Maybe you have a problem". It was like I could sense it was on the horizon so I packed my things and left before she could even say anything about it. It really was as easy as flipping a switch. My friends dubbed it, "The Click", which was just this random, seemingly normal moment where I crossed over from being into the relationship to not being into the relationship. And my behavior changed accordingly. There was never any escape from that click either, it happened in every single relationship, although some were worse than others.
Years later, while dealing with my issues, I discovered that a large part of this click was about boredom. I get bored very easily in all areas of my life - all-consumed with a book or a show one moment and then meh about it the next, super excited for a trip at one point and then dreading having to go when the time finally comes. But relationships have been this whole other animal for me where boredom creeps up, takes hold and makes me turn to other passions for excitement. And it has nothing to do with how exciting the person may be or how great things are going. It's like I go into stuff with this all in mentality and then slowly start pulling back the chips as things progress. Because it's just a matter of time before things crash and burn and it all goes to hell anyway, and I've no interest in being burnt by that flame when it actually happens. I know ya'll are wondering why I couldn't disengage from BP during one of these downtimes, what it was about her that kept me in the fold. It was manipulation, pure and simple. Yes, I had these times of boredom during our relationship but I never had that moment where I clicked and was done, not until the VERY end anyway. And she always knew how to lure me back into the fold in one way or another. She knew that when I care, when I love somebody, that love is unconditional, no matter what the future brings. And she exploited that by having a 'the sky is falling' moment every time she sensed I was on my way out the door. Months after we split, she found herself in quite the hole in all areas of her life. She still didn't believe we were done and texted me saying she needed my help because she was having to make big decisions. We spoke, off and on, for about a week and the whole time I kept thinking, "Wow, she is seriously not going to ask me a damn thing about my life, is she?". She asked once how I was doing, but nothing more. It was about her and her issues and her decisions and her life. I didn't protest any of this, never even brought it up, I just let the convo die and moved on. By then I knew that while I still cared enough to actually answer her messages, I never would've gotten the same courtesy if ish had been reversed. And oddly, that made me feel decent about myself because I saw I wasn't as screwed up a human being as I once thought. BP was an education...in so many things. But not how to alleviate the boredom or this damn click, unfortunately.
Someone who was instrumental in my getting my ish together was T, the first person I dated after my engagement came to an end. And boy, were things complicated there. She knew and was friendly with my fiancee and the fiancee and I knew and were friendly with T and her longtime boyfriend, David. In fact, David and the fiancee were also close friends, long before T and I came along. While the fiancee left me for her soon-to-be divorced longtime affair, apparently there was a snag in his divorce proceedings and she ended up in the arms of David. T and I didn't know this when we began dating, but the news of it sent both of us reeling a bit. It was amazing how much things had changed within a few years, for all of us. I normally have no problem keeping my cool around the ladies but T made me extremely nervous for some reason. Eight years my senior, she was sure of who she was and what she did and did not want in a partner. She had her ish together but in a slightly not together kinda way, if that makes sense. She'd also had a string of terrible dudes in her life, all of whom she had a hard time putting out when they treated her badly. I said I wouldn't do that and then proceeded to...well, kinda do that. Things were awesome for a few months, it was a very freeing time for both of us I think. And then the boredom kicked in and I turned back to using to try and fill the void. She was very anti-substances, so I kept my drug use from her but when she found out about it, all hell broke loose and we had a knock down, drag out fight about it. I was terrified of being alone so I told her I'd stop and gave her the same speech I gave a thousand times over about how I would change. And she bought it. And within a month, I was back to my old tricks. The root of all of my issues was, of course, the accidents and how I hadn't dealt with any of the fallout from them, but it was also that my trust was shot after the ish that went down with the fiancee. And instead of just being on my own for awhile and getting my crap together, I instead chose to jump into a relationship and take out my issues on T. She put up with me for awhile before finally calling it off and I barely put up a fight by the time she did. It was an ugly end to a rollercoaster of a relationship. We didn't talk for awhile, then tried again for a minute and then severed all ties before finally falling into an uneasy friendship. During that time of friendship, she wrote a rather extensive blog about all the men she'd dated in the past in an attempt to work through the drama and move forward. Of course, I got a mention and I cannot tell you how guilty I felt after reading it. I apologized a million times, both before and after the blog, and I was genuine in every apology. She accepted them, but we eventually lost touch altogether, which was probably for the best. I ran into her not too long ago and things were quite awkward, but she seems to be doing well, dating someone else and doing what she loves. I'm happy for her, she deserves all that, but I do think we're better off as acquaintances than anything else. The history there is just too much.
I feel like I'm in a similar place to where I was after my engagement ended. BP and I weren't close to that at all, but we did go through a lot and it did wreck me emotionally, albeit in a different way than being cheated on and lied to for years. I don't know which of them were worse, honestly, but the end result is the same - I'm far less trusting and I don't even trust myself enough to love anyone. The only difference is that I don't have the substance abuse issue this time around and instead throw myself into healthier hobbies when the boredom sets in. I'd like to think that another difference could be that I know better than to make someone else a victim of the last terrible relationship I was in, but I don't really know. I've noticed that anytime I sense something that even remotely reminds me of BP, I do a full on retreat to try and protect myself from getting hurt again. The only thing I can compare it to is a dog who was abused by an owner, who then ends up with a new owner but still gets afraid when he hears a loud noise or a voice being raised. Almost like it's foreign to have things not be so damn tense and up in the air all the time. Which is sad, really. I should be able to just sit back and enjoy the ease of some things. But there's always that fear that the rug will be pulled out again.
