Well, if it's March then it's about that time for BP to reach out to me and once again kick the tires on reconciliation. Why March, you ask? Because next week is her birthday, something she places extreme importance on while also dreading it and what it means. I never found out why she's so big on birthdays. In fact, the one thing her birthday reminds me of is the last one she celebrated during our time together, during which we were in conflict. She claimed I'd "ruined" her birthday by not dropping everything, apologizing and catering to her every whim on that day, only to have her BS thrown back in her face when photos of her having a grand old time at karaoke popped up in my Twitter timeline. Every year, BP would remind me every single day in March that her birthday was coming up and she would be excited about the well wishes and gifts that came in, while simultaneously mourning the fact that she was another year older and not where she wanted to be in life. This year, I imagine she's mourning the fact that she'll be 37, single and childless and not having a great go of it at work. So she reached out to me with, "I'm just trying to see if there's still any hope for us or if you've moved on". Really? Like...really?? It's not like we broke up a week ago or some ish, this has been over for well over a year now. There wasn't hope when we were still in it, why would there be hope now and why wouldn't I have moved on? Just because her life has stalled doesn't mean that mine has. I didn't bother to respond and she hasn't contacted me again so hopefully that's the end of it.
Thinking about all this reminded me of all the times an unemployed BP witched and moaned about not being able to travel anymore. She didn't have a job that demanded it and she had no money, so she never went anywhere except on the occasional trips to surrounding states for one reason or another. Every time she got a job offer that included a ton of travel she was thrilled about the prospect of it, only to be brought back down to earth when I said, "But what about us?". You could see the wind go out of her sails as she tried to explain to me how she'd make time and it wouldn't be like with her ex and so on. I'd made it clear even before she got work that I was not going to play second fiddle to her career, but it's like she expected that to change if she actually got a career again. Sure enough, once she did she was always MIA and unreachable and giving me BS excuses about why. Now, she travels extensively and is rarely ever home, just like she wanted. But, at what cost? Few people can put up with that kind of stuff, and even fewer people will do it longterm. I'd rather have friends and time for them and a relationship than copious amounts of cash, which she's not even close to making anyway in her current position. But to each their own.
Getting BP's message reminded me of so many things, none of them good. I used to be so fucking weak when she reached out to me. I'd tell myself I wouldn't respond but then I'd cave at some point and the whole cycle would begin again. Some months ago, she pulled this same stunt and asked me if I'd be interested in trying again. I wasn't but I was curious as to where she thought we were at the time and how she thought she could sustain a relationship with her travel schedule. The answer? "I'd make it work." Oh...well, then. Because she had been so good at making shit work when we actually were together. I told her I wasn't interested and that I want another kid and an actual partner, not someone who only wants those things when they can fit it into their work schedule. She said she wanted a baby, not news to me, and I asked how that would work because kids are not part-time experiments that you pick up and put down at will (at least, none of my children would be). She never answered and that was that. You know how sometimes you think, "Wow, this person is going to be a great parent someday"? Yeah, I never got that impression with BP. In fact, I only ever remember thinking that she only wanted a kid because she was a woman in her 30's, not because she actually wanted to be a parent. And her lifestyle was in no way the type you'd want around a child, even before work overtook her life. On this most recent occasion where she reached out, I had absolutely no desire to respond or even play the game. I don't have room in my life for that negativity, or for anything that doesn't grow me as a person. BP stunted my growth long enough. She doesn't get to do that for even a single second more of my life.
