Only Human

Some time ago, most notably during the dark ages, I had a problem. Not an addiction level problem, but one that threatened to destroy me all the same. This was what made the dark ages so dark, and so dangerous. Post-accident I was prescribed Ativan, as well as other pain meds for the lingering effects of what I'd been through. And it worked wonders. But not for the reasons it's supposed to. I discovered that taking it made me completely numb; to physical pain, emotional pain and emotions in general. I thought it was fantastic. I didn't feel high or get a rush. I felt nothing and that was exactly what I wanted. Early on, nobody knew I was taking it more often than I was supposed to because they assumed my being so stoic was a result of my still being in mourning. A few months later, my doctor scaled back my dosage and said I should take it only when I was genuinely having a panic attack. I didn't listen. Then I started mixing it with alcohol, amongst other things. I had a particularly bad day and decided to double up and it sent me so out of control that I went off it cold turkey for a few weeks. But then I went back. Eventually, I had to finish school and get a full-time job and I was always 100% sober for both of those things. But my weekends were mine and I do whatever I wanted. The women in my life would come and go; all knew what I was up to but only a few tried to do something about it. And once they did, they were cut off and I moved on. Then I began dating someone who had had similar issues  during college, but with alcohol. She also was not addict-level but she partied a lot, got kicked out of school and had to work her way back. She knew from the gate what I was doing and she made it quite clear I would not be doing it while we were together. So I stopped. I turned toward my faith and away from substances. We both gave up drinking for awhile. Things were awesome. Then I fucked up. We were having issues and on separate coasts at the time and I found a way to get Ativan. I remember putting absolutely no thought into obtaining it, but sitting there staring at the bottle for the longest time before I took any. I took one. She called a half hour later, knew what was up and, once I sobered up, said she was done if I ever did it again. I never did. Flash forward to fatherhood and you'll find me a few months into getting my life completely together. I was meditating, I was writing and I was in therapy and suddenly all of that had to be amped up so I could be clean and present. I gave up all substances, I didn't even take over the counter stuff unless absolutely necessary. Life was awesome.

The past six months or so since my anemia diagnosis have brought me back to the familiar territory of Ativan and panic attacks. I began having them again when we weren't sure if it was cancer or something not as bad, but refused to take anything for them. But so many stresses have caught up with me this year and it's taken a toll. And I fell back, a few times, into some old habits. On three occasions I've taken Ativan when I didn't need to. NEVER when I've been around my kid but I've had a few moments of college-esque partying and using when I'm on my own. It's provided escapism. But it's also affected my relationships and that is something I'm not at all proud of. In my early 20's, one of my best friends entered rehab and I got my first taste of what it's like to be around someone who drinks too much. It was awful. Nicest guy on the planet but when he drank, he became mean and angry and not himself. And yet, knowing what I become when I use, I still used in my 20's and a few times this year. But I highly doubt I'll do it again. Because tonight I got another taste of what it's like when someone you love is completely out of it. And I'm not sure what to make of it. I guess it just makes me angry. I didn't even recognize who I was having a conversation with. It started with a bunch of texts that were all over the map and that should've been a clue. I don't know...I'm not laying down judgments because obviously I can't but it was just very unexpected. And sad.