Young v. Old, Gay v. Straight, Turtle v. Hobo

My sister and I stood in a cold ass garage going through a box of our old CD cases. Why? Because her 14-year-old daughter looked at us like we were aliens as we talked about having loved to buy a CD and go through the album booklet as you listened to the music. She's never purchased a CD. She's never even seen an album booklet (one that wasn't digital, anyway). That produced this exchange with a friend:

Me: The point of all this was to find some CD booklets because my 14-year-old niece has never seen one.
Friend: ...
Friend: I was contemplating suicide.
Friend: This pushed me over the edge.
Me: LOL RIGHT???
Friend: Holy fuck...

There was also discussion about what I'm gonna be when I grow up...uh...I mean, what I'm gonna be for Halloween:

Friend: If you go as Splinter, I so want a photo
Me: Niet
Friend: Come on! I sent you a pic of me wearing a damn Hello Kitty t-shirt!
Me: I probably won't dress up anyway, I can't afford to.
Me: Unless I borrow a wig and go as a hobo
Friend: lol That means wearing your PJ's
Me: Nah, it'll be too cold to go door to door in my underwear...again
Friend: Hang on, I'm enjoying the visual
Me: The only difference between an adult hobo costume and a kid one is that I don't have to use coffee grounds as stubble lol
Friend: lol That and when you were a kid you were just pretending to be a hobo
Me: LOL Life makes fools of us all

And some lovely dating talk, turned 90's Alanis Morisette angst conversation:

Friend: Damn my attraction to bad boys! I shall be ruined!
Me: *cough* Holy men *cough*
Friend: Those were TWO out of aaaaall the mensz I've slept with
Me: Gay holy man
Friend: Zackly, so he doesn't even count
Me: Oh he counts, my friend
Friend: Nuh uh, I never touched him
Me: I'm talking dated, not fondled
Friend: I still don't count him, I refuse to call all that bs "dated"
Me: True
Friend: REFUSE!
Me: lol I already said ok
Friend: REEEEFUUUUUUSE!!!!!!!!!!1
Friend: I needed to scream that out
Me: YOU YOU YOU YOU OUGHTA KNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Friend: LOL! Perfect
Me: lol I could feel your 90's angst
Friend: And this is why I love you
Friend: lol with my long hair and mom jeans
Me: LOL and Hello Kitty shirt
Friend: And doc marten boots
Friend: LOL Ew

Tattoos Of Memories And Dead Skin On Trial, For What It's Worth, It Was Worth All The While

I'm home this week so Miss N can spend Halloween trick or treating with her cousins. I've also been tasked with helping to get things ready to go for Thanksgiving next month, which means cleaning out closets and crawlspaces and helping rearrange things. Last night, I was moving some stuff in the attic when I came across a box of stuff from my late teens/early twenties. It contained some notebooks from high school with various random rants and drawings, and a couple of day planners that I bought but never used. It also contained some pictures and video of that point in time. The last pictures and video ever taken of the girlfriend and I before she passed away. *sigh*...If it ain't one thing, it's another. I've very slowly been getting better when it comes to thinking and talking about her and our time together. It's common knowledge that for years I hid behind booze and other substances to avoid dealing with it all. Then I had no choice but to deal and I had no idea just how long that would actually take. I finally hit a place of acceptance about three years ago, but was still unable to really talk about any of it at length or look at old photos. Last year I finally put an old photo of her up, albeit in a rather obscure place, and that's been somewhat cathartic. It's taken 11 years for that kinda progress. Eleven years. My sister, however, is nowhere near the same place of acceptance. They were best friends for a long time and she was the godmother to my sister's oldest kid. The stress and shock of everything that happened during that period sent my sister into very premature labor and I think she really blocked out everything that happened. She doesn't talk about it with anyone and, as far as I know, has rarely gone back to look at old photos of the two of them.
My assistant in cleaning out the attic is my sister's oldest, who was 3 when her godmother passed away and is now 14 and curious about the person she never knew. We talk about her every now and then but I know she hasn't gotten as much info as she'd like. Her eyes lit up when she saw the video and she practically begged to watch it. I couldn't say no. And honestly, I was curious to see what was on it. The two of us dug out a VCR player, put in the tape and pressed 'Play' at around 11 PM. About twenty minutes in, my brother-in-law wandered in and began watching with us. Ten minutes after that, my sister sat down. There was this sort of intentional silence amongst all of us for the next little while. I don't know what the reason for that was with them but I just wasn't sure what to say. It was mostly just goof off video we'd taken with my mom's old camera of us singing along to various stuff, and sitting around having conversations on mock talk shows. The niece had a million questions about her, now having seen the personality that her godmother had. In a way, her questions reminded me of all of the good things and that made them easier to answer. But there was still this underlying sadness about how all she'll ever have are secondhand stories. It should be so different. As we inched towards the end of the tape, all four of us were laughing and swapping stories about her. It was kinda great. Everyone else went to bed and I stayed up for another few minutes going through the box. The girlfriend and I had made a ton of videos. We were both interested in all things creative and always said we'd edit our pursuits into something decent one day. I knew this particular tape could hold 6 hours of footage (and we always used every minute of every tape) but the four of us had only watched about 2 so I kept fast forwarding. The next thing on that tape was a conversation that she and I had when she came out for a visit during our college days. I didn't even know she was filming and, given the placement of the camera and the topic of conversation, I'm not sure she knew it either. Most of the convo was too private to relay here, but one part of it caught my attention more than any other. She asked where I saw us in ten years (this was in 2001). My answer was that we'd, of course, be together, both be doing what we loved and maybe be working on having a kid or two. I said I wanted our relationship to evolve and have been drama-free for a looooong time before kids entered the fray. She laughed. I asked her the same question and she avoided it, saying she hoped we'd still be together because she could never see herself with anybody else. She said she loved me and would continue to until her dying day and then for eons after that. Then she jokingly confirmed that I loved her and I said I'd loved her from day one and would love her until the end.  Unbeknownst to us, the clock was already ticking and the end would arrive almost a year to the day after that video was shot. That is...eerie.
I went to bed after watching that but I didn't really sleep much. I tossed and turned a lot. I had foggy dreams and thoughts about everything I'd just watched. And now I'm just sad. Because I miss her. She was my best friend and my sounding board. She made me better in a lot of ways. I look back at the aftermath now and I wonder how I even got through it all. Something, or someone, had to be propelling me forward because I was not at all strong enough to handle all of that on my own. I'm still not, really. I've said it before but it doesn't feel like all of this was so long ago, and yet it does. It's like I can feel in my bones how long ago it was and how difficult it was and how it probably took years off my own life. But my mind doesn't always remember all of that. It's weird. But I'm thankful we were doing so well when everything happened because there was nothing unresolved between us and nothing left unsaid. We both really did love each other til the end.

I Must Admit To You, I've Heard Them Lines A Time Or Two

I'm still coming down off my high from the TLC biopic so why not have them take over the blog two weeks in a row? I have to say that movie was impressive. It was trippy how spot on the wardrobe and recreations of music videos were. I also owe Lil Mama an apology. I was one of those who said, "Oh heeeeeelllll no" when I heard she'd been cast in that role, but she was the best actor in the film. She looked exactly like Left Eye in a lot of her scenes. Honestly, they probably should've done a two-part mini-series a la The Temptations biopic because there was sooooo much ground to cover and some stuff had to be grazed over or skipped altogether. But overall, it was awesome. You forget how much they accomplished and they did all of it in less than a decade. Being a Tweeter now (shut up), I found myself reading some of the comments people were making about the movie as it aired. People are freakin' hilarious. It's fairly common knowledge that 80's singer Pebbles mis-managed TLC in the early days, robbing them blind and leaving them in a financial hole it took years to climb out of. Her portrayal in the film was right in line with the stories we've all heard over the years and it became its own storyline on Twitter with the hashtag #PebblesIsSomewhere. The idea was to finish the sentence about where is nowadays, supposedly having married a lawyer and found Jesus in her new life. In spite of finding Jesus, she still denies any wrongdoing and won't acknowledge that there is any truth to how she was shown in the movie. She tweeted out before it even aired that she would file a suit and claim slander. In hindsight, she may want to file suit against all of Twitter cuz ain't nobody have anything nice to say to her on there:

"#PebblesIsSomewhere trying to figure out how she can get money from this movie"

"#PebblesIsSomewhere hoping no one will mention her in a tweet. Oops! Too late!"

"#PebblesIsSomewhere near a shredder #NoEvidence #NoCase"

"#PebblesIsSomewhere handing out contracts with promises of a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles"

"#PebblesIsSomewhere chasing a damn waterfall"

"#PebblesIsSomewhere trying to sign Fantasia. She knows she ain't gonna read the contract"

LMAO that last one is just wrong but I couldn't help but laugh when I read it. However my favorite tweet of the night did not carry a "#PebblesIsSomewhere" hashtag. No, my favorite was an exchange between one of Pebbles' children and a random Twitter user whose name I wish I'd caught because he's my new favorite person ever. Apparently Pebbles' kid tweeted that she did not appreciate her mother's portrayal in the film (as if she was there). My new best Twitter friend's reply was GOLD:

"Well no one appreciated seeing your fat ass on MTV Super Sweet 16 eating through Chili's hair gel money"

Whoever you are dude, I love you. That comment made my life and even made my elders chuckle, and none of them are even fans. Good times. It came to my attention last night that my favorite TLC song of all time seems to change depending on the day. But I've always had a soft spot for "Diggin' On You", primarily the video version that incorporates horns. All of their music holds up remarkably well though.

I Needed Somewhere To Hang My Head Without Your Noose, You Gave Me Something That I Didn't Have But Had No Use

Oh, where to begin. I've been debating for months whether or not I should put the BP saga down here. I write to sort things out, to move past things, but I've been conflicted about whether or not writing about her would help or hurt the situation. And I couldn't decide if I should make what I write available to her, a former regular reader of my blog. However, this is not the version that she reads. I left my old blog addy up and continued to update it with most of the same posts that appear here. I moved everyone I know to this one and left only her at that one because I always knew our end was coming, and we were at one of our "ends" when I made that decision.. Now that I know it is FOR SURE over and I've slept on it, I'm a swirl of emotions. Hurt? Somewhat. Contemplative? Well, I've been that for a few months now. I could kick myself for falling into old habits. See, my first girlfriend and I had a tumultuous relationship. She was quite brash and could have an overpowering personality at times. Usually, I was the one who could sort of "tame" that and calm her down. Other times there was no way to calm the beast and she would go on and on and we'd yell and fight and say awful things. And that was what I couldn't take. She went for the jugular because it was the only way she knew how to survive. I understood that but, eventually, I also came to understand that I didn't have to be stuck in that loop with her. We brought out the worst in each other back then. The break-up was nasty. She made it that way but I certainly played my part. And it would've been almost anti-climactic for it to go down any other way. Still, it stuck with me for years and I think it did with her too. Something in me always wanted her. I wanted to tell her about my day, share my excitement about something that was coming up, talk about everything under the sun with her. But I had the sense to know that we were not a good fit at that moment. When we reunited years later, although we'd always been in some sort of contact, I was impressed by the change in her. She was calmer, less abrasive. She thought before she said something and if she deduced that it would unnecessarily hurt that person, she wouldn't say it. We got along amazingly and gave it another go. This time there were no fights, no drama, no going for the jugular. There was an understanding there of what we had and what we'd laid the foundation for years earlier. It was awesome. Of course, the good times never last and we were cut down by fate as we were approaching our prime. And it took...years for me to recover. I wanted to self-destruct, and I almost did on many occasions. But something kept saving my ass and moving me forward. I think the tenth anniversary of that loss did wonders for my progress. It became easier or...maybe the word is clearer that that period was over and would never return and that I had to move on. That it was okay to move on. I used to think of her and it would cripple me emotionally for a few days, but now I think of her and it makes me happy. It makes me realize how blessed I was to have the time with her that I did. I can talk about her and the good and the bad and do so in a reminiscent tone instead of an angry one. And that's kinda great. Still, I can't believe it's been so long since she was here. The loss is both new and old in that it seems like it was just a few years ago that it happened, even though it was really 11 years ago. Thinking about how we'd both be 32 right now trips me out. I can almost hear us laughing about it. I wonder sometimes where we'd be. Still a couple or better as friends? Still in each other's lives, no doubt.

All of this floods over me right now as I think about what happened, what just ended. BP found her way back into my life at the tail end of August and had proceeded to do nothing but put me through the ringer since then. But things really hit home for me yesterday. I'm tired of being so goddamn emotional all the time. I'm tired of one hangup leaving me in tears. I was fucking upset for an hour over her the other day (after one of her notorious hangups), I begged for one quick call. And got nothing. And nothing has become the usual of late. No calls, no texts, no fucks to give. I wouldn't have thought it was possible for her to care any less than she used to, but I am once again floored by her capacity for cruelty. I'm also emotionally spent. That rollercoaster is too much for me. It got to the point where I was questioning things about myself. "You say it doesn't take much to make you happy but you're wrong". "You're so manipulative". "Maybe you don't remember". "You're an asshole". "You're verbally abusive". No way. I know none of that is even close to being true, but she had me questioning whether it was. I know what it takes to make me happy and I know that it really doesn't take much. But I guess hearing from the person I cared about was considered "too much" in her opinion. I know I'm not manipulative, but she certainly was (hence why she had me questioning). And you know what, I don't always remember things and it's such a low, cruel blow to say that to me knowing what I deal with on a daily basis memory-wise. An asshole? Not really. I can be a bastard when I'm unhappy but I rarely lash out on any other occasion, I'm never mean just for kicks (unlike certain people). I'm certainly not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be abusive in any sense of the word. And I will NOT accept that label from anybody. But there's the thing. I accepted a lot of shit from her that I've never taken from anybody else. A LOT OF SHIT. I wanted to end things Christmas of 2011. But I still felt something, some kind of protectiveness and some kind of...caring. So when she got upset when she sensed what convo was coming, I dropped it. My only regret now is ever having responded to her messages after she called me "fucking autistic". Because that was the turning point for me. Something changed in the way I viewed her. I suddenly realized she was capable of just about anything and I didn't like that. From that day on, it was like I'd given an inch and taken her back and she ran miles and miles with the power I gave her. There were no boundaries anymore when it came to fighting. And as she got nastier in what she said, I suddenly lost the ability to censor myself. The battles turned into wars and the wars raged for days. Had I never responded to those messages, none of those wars would've taken place and we'd both be better for it. The worst of what was said would never have been said. I regret responding more than anything else.

The last month (or two, really) has been trying but also eye-opening. My health has been shaky, my stress has been borderline and my heart has slowly been hardening when it comes to her. I could pinpoint the reasons for that but I'm honestly too tired to care anymore. It's like someone flipped the script from one week to the next and I was never informed of the rewrite. She was all into this when she came back, then left for a two week work trip and upon her return, nothing was the same. We usually butted heads about her work trips because she was incapable of having her own life while she was working. She threw herself into work to the detriment of her health, her personal life and her family. On this trip, she went MIA for half of the week and I didn't hear from her at all. That had never happened before, her being completely gone, but I chalked it up to work and didn't really miss the contact. Still, I figured we'd catch up when she got home. But there was none of that, no conversation at all. Just ignorance. At first I thought she was still working and dealing with the fallout from her trip but in reality she was finding ANYTHING else to do but talk to me. I decided to shift gears and see if she wanted to hang out, she said she was available all day the following Friday and to let her know when and where. I texted that morning and got, "Hey, in meetings all day". I was annoyed and pissed off because it seemed as if she'd flat out lied to me about her availability. She fought with me about it, swore she had never told me she was free and claimed she was still free that night. She again said she was going into meetings and would text me later. That text never came. In fact, she proceeded to go out to dinner with her client, someone she claimed screamed at her all the time and was crazy (pot, meet kettle). Yet they went to dinner for hours that night. The next day she texted me and said she was going to a wedding, no mention of the day before. When I responded by telling her I didn't believe she was interested anymore, she refuted it with her favorite sentence - "I was just busy". I told her that, in my experience, if someone really wants to go out with you (the way she claimed she did) then that will be one of the first things on their mind and they would text when they were free to see if you were also free. Not only did she not text after her meeting, she didn't even seem to think about it. Then, out of nowhere, she tells me she's out of town for this wedding she'd spoken of. I had zero idea she was no longer here and thought that these were not the actions of someone who gave a fuck. She KNEW Friday night was her only available time and didn't relay that info to me, didn't even try to hang out and now she's out of town all weekend. I'm holding on like a fucking monkey and she's out purposely ignoring me and having no second thoughts about it. I don't like being ignored and I really don't like someone keeping secrets from me. But that's what she did; she said, "I love you" and then proceeded to withhold the information about her pulling away. That is, until last week when she finally came clean about what I'd already known, that she was consciously withdrawing from this. Too little, too late. I was withdrawing myself by the third week of total ignorance but still held out hope that something could change, something could happen. But I got my reality checked every time we talked. There was just nothing there. No love. No friendship. Nothing. Just snark and two people teetering on the edge of a cliff. Still, she showed some signs of actually giving a fuck. When I attempted to end it and cited her month-long ignorance as the culprit she broke down in what I thought were real tears and showed what I thought was real emotion at the thought of us being done for good. It was the first genuine emotion (that wasn't anger) that I'd felt from her in ages. She convinced me to abandon ship again and give it another shot. All for nothing. Despite the apology for having taking us for granted and the promise that that would no longer be the case, nothing changed. I was still alone, still felt more alone than I ever have in my life. I tried to hammer home to her that she has no idea what it's like to be completely ignored by the person you care about, seemingly as if someone flipped a switch from one day to the next. And I genuinely hope that she never does because it's just an awful feeling. She never understood it though. "Yeah, yeah, sorry" and that was supposed to be it. She pacified me, all the while knowing that she was no longer in this. It was so fucking bizarre.

I've never known anybody to hold the trigger to my emotions in the palm of their hand. Until her. She had that power and I will never understand why. I don't even think she knew it either, but sometimes I wonder. She completely wrecked me emotionally and fucked with my head. But I didn't realize just how far gone she was until yesterday's conversation. I ended it again a few days ago and she showed much less emotion than she previously had. It was almost as if it was just a minor annoyance to her. Yet we kept talking. And she was finally able to take a phone call. From beginning to end, her attitude was the same - stone. cold. bitch. I don't like that word but it really does apply here. I still don't understand why but I started to breakdown halfway through the calls. I think I just became too dependent on her whenever we were in contact and whenever I was let down (which was always), it really got to me. She was almost mean when she heard how upset I was, "What is wrong? I don't understand. Why are you upset?". All of that said in a very "meh" tone of voice. No caring or concern AT ALL. She kept saying she was upset beneath the surface but I found that hard to believe. Then came the real kicker. I'm sitting there breaking down and I hear her chewing on the other end of the line. SERIOUSLY?? The person you claim is the "love of your life" is bawling and you decide it's a great time to have lunch?? Who the fuck does that?? I asked if she was eating and she sensed my annoyance and said, "What? I haven't eaten all day". Oh. Well then. Neither had I but that was the last thing on my mind. Why? Because I have human fucking emotions and a heart, two things she lacks. And something in my just went off. She's cool as a cucumber on the other end of the line while I'm literally in tears over this shit. Why am I crying over somebody who can't be bothered to even show the slightest bit of emotion towards me? The tears stopped flowing almost instantly. I was done. Not only was I done but I was full of resentment towards her. She noticed the change in me and kept trying to give me ultimatums and shit and tell me how she was feeling. I told her I didn't care. She seemed surprised by that and I repeated it - "I don't care. I don't care what you think.". I thought long and hard about what I was about to say and decided that I was no longer in the business of censoring myself for her benefit. After again clarifying to her that I didn't care, I told her I didn't want anything from her anymore. My last words to her were, "I hate you". Because that's where I'm at right now. I'm hurt, I am upset and I'm just done. But I'm not going to waste my tears on this anymore. No one has ever made me feel as awful as she did. No one has ever been able to get under my skin the way she did. No one has ever provoked the words, "I hate you" from my lips. And I can guarantee you I will never get entangled with anyone else who will make me say those words again. I hung up the phone and I deleted her from my life. I wanted zero contact with her anymore so I had the BF email her the login details of her old ass website that she asked me to set up. That was our only remaining tie and I didn't even want that anymore.

Now that's over, I feel like I have so much more clarity. I believe every relationship, romantic or otherwise, is a learning experience and this one was no different. This one was a whale of a learning experience. It taught me not to get caught up with someone who is the definition of "crazy". It taught me that I am too damn old for this kinda shit. In my early 20's, with my inexperience at the time, this kind of thing is understandable but at 32 it is not. And what's worse is she's pushing 36 and still doing this shit. It taught me that there are "daddy issues" and then there are "DADDY ISSUES". And if you find someone with the latter, you run for the hills. Because that's not just typical issues, that's some seriously fucked up emotional stunting going on there. She tried to turn our relationship into a parent/child one on more than one occasion and it freaked me the fuck out. It taught me that there is a limit to how much familial drama I can handle. Between her mother and her brother and her...I would've been headed to an early grave. She's conditioned to deal with that much dysfunction but I am not. Fortunately, I was raised by mentally sound people and not crazy ass folks who continue to torment me into adulthood. But above all, this whole thing taught me to demand better. Not just better than her, because it won't take much to be better than her, but better in general of my relationships. My standards have gotten progressively lower over the years because a part of me still thinks I'm the effed up dude from my twenties who has little to offer and so should expect little in return. But I'm not him anymore. I'm a good dude and I want to be with a great woman, one who can elevate me and not crush me. This is a great opportunity to redefine how I date and, more importantly, who I date.

Welcome To Earth

Me: Morning
G: Dude! I had the weirdest dream!!
G: Aliens settled over the White House and killed the First Lady. They had mind control over scientists and shit. Creepy as hell.
Me: LOL Uh, was Will Smith there?
G: ?
Me: Cuz that's "Independence Day", fool
G: LMAO DAMMIT!!!!
Me: lol Wow...just...wow
Me: The NSA probably has you as a potential terrorist now because you're dark skinned and you used "killed", "First Lady" and "White House" in the same text
G: lol And now you're on the list too
Me: I'm sure I already was lol

This coming from the same dude who asked me if I saw the trailer for "Independence Day 2" before "Gravity". What he was referring to was actually the trailer for "Enders Game".

We Are (Unfortunately) The World

I love my siblings...

Sister: My Christmas town lacks diversity. Like big time.
Me: ...You got out the Christmas stuff already?
Sister: God no. I'm looking at the little Christmas town stuff they have at Kohl's and realizing my town is as pasty white as theirs.
Brother: I saw black people at the dollar store last year.
Me: lol I saw them too!
Sister: Yet NOBODY bought them...
Me: The workmanship looked shoddy.
Brother: lol Well that sounds racist - "The black people's workmanship was shoddy so I didn't buy them."
Sister: LOL
Me: LOL NOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Sister: *sigh* I guess my town stays too white
Brother: That store is in the middle of the barrio, they shoulda had shoddy Mexican people.
Me: They did. They just weren't for sale.
Sister: LMAO! Straight to hell, little brother.
Me: lol Oh I know. And that's not even the most offensive thing I've said this week.
Brother: LOL I believe it.
Sister: Watch, this year they'll have little Mexican townspeople. And if either of you had gotten the black ones last year, I'd have an ethnically diverse town. But nooooooooo.
Me: Sorry I ruined your shot at a 'we are the world' town. I know it's been your dream for like the past ten minutes and all lol.
Sister: LOL We are the world town
Brother: LOL We are the fools who make a diverse town so let's start buyinggggggg.
Me: LOL Well we are definitely the children.

My Only Bleedin' Hope Is For The Folk Who Can't Cope With Such An Enduring Pain That It Keeps 'Em In The Pouring Rain

This week's song ties in with this weekend's premiere of TLC's biopic on VH1. I am tres excited about it, actually. I remember seeing the first trailer back in September, which focused mostly on the music, and thinking the casting was pretty damn good and the recreations of their videos were spot on. I came across the second trailer at the beginning of the month and it showed more of the acting and didn't look half bad. On the one hand, it's unacceptable that a group I grew up with is getting a biopic. I remember watching VH1's biopics on The Temptations and Ricky Nelson growing up. On the other hand, it seems as if everyone's far enough removed from Left Eye's death that we can watch how everything unfolded. I watched VH1's "Last Days Of Left Eye" awhile back and thought it was great but sad. The ending has always stuck with me, and the reasons for that are probably obvious. It's always a shame when someone is cut down in their prime, but it's different when it's something like a car accident or a plane crash. When drugs are involved, although it is a disease, it's a bit less tragic because we all know what happens when you play with fire, especially those who have the means and opportunity to get clean. Was Left Eye controversial and did she have some of those issues? Yeah. But she met her end while attempting to do something good for the less fortunate. I think the sense of loss was compounded given Aaliyah's death nine months (to the day) earlier.
I knew prior to seeing the movie trailer that TLC remains the best selling female group of all time but was unaware that the FanMail tour is the best selling tour by any female group in history. I remember wanting to go to that show so badly but never did get around to it. Years later, I tracked down a DVD of the show and it was pretty good. Despite their differences, the three of them had an undeniable chemistry that none of us really quite appreciated until Left Eye was no longer here. This year would have been the group's 20th anniversary. Chilli and T-Boz are apparently making the rounds with some newbie but I'm not into all that. I get why they're doing it and all, but I prefer my TLC with the original lineup. Thanks to YouTube, the past 20 years and their greatest performances live on.

Hellbound, Baby!

Cousin: The question is, "What's the one sure way to avoid going to trial?"
Me: Kill the witnesses.
Cousin: LMAO! You and Y had the same response.
Me: LOL That...does not surprise me.
Cousin: I'm disturbed by how calmly and quickly you both went there...
Me: I suggest you not put yourself in the spot of being a potential witness.
Cousin: lol Noted.

==========

Me: I just saw a commercial for JDate. You should go there next just to stir shit up.
Me: Anything Jew can do I can Jew better, I can do anything better than Jew.
Friend: LOL!!
Me: See if there's chat on JDate and get one of them to say, "No you can't" and complete the song.
Friend: lol You. Hell. Going to.
Me: My ticket was already punched, the rest is just gravy lol

The Fine Print

I had quite the interesting exchange with a friend last night. She's been seeing this new-ish guy and things seemed to be going well. But last night a HUUUUUUUGE red flag went up. Allow me to set the scene: she texted me asking if anyone I've dated has ever given me shit about the relationship she and I have. We've been friends for a decade, keep in close touch and pretty much talk about anything and everything. But I'm not her only close make friend and she's not my only close female friend. My response was that I'd never dealt with someone getting on me about our friendship, not in any major fashion anyway. She said that her spidey senses were telling her that if she continued to see this dude, it would eventually come to him forcing her to choose between the two of us. In fact, he went so far as to inquire about would happen if he did ask her to cut me out of her life. Her reaction was to shoot him a, "I'ma break some dishes" look (her words) and tell him that if he really cared about her, he would not ask her to cut anyone out of her life. She also pointed out that she would never ask him to cut ties with an ex that he is close to. Apparently he's been examining her relationships and doesn't understand why she would need any of us if they were to become a couple. He claims he doesn't "need" to spend ANY time with friends or family when in a relationship. She's of the mind that time and space are healthy for relationships and explained that even if they entered something she would still need and want to hang with friends and family. His response? "Why be in a relationship then?". What is this, high school? Wasn't there a TV movie with DJ Tanner and Kevin Arnold that began like this? As you may expect, my response to all of this was lengthy, to say the least. Very, very lengthy. Further fuel was added to the fire this morning when I asked what this dude expected to happen once they had children, would it be the two of them, the kids and no one else? She expects that's exactly his thinking. She says his friends have given him the whole 'bros before hos' speech before (which I also gave to her last night cuz that's how we roll) and his reply was, "you guys aren't the ones that are going to be sweet to me, cuddle me, take care of me when I'm sick". Couple few things. First, we shouldn't do things for reward like that. Second, maybe his friends wouldn't be around to take care of him when he's sick but plenty of other folks have friends who will, whether they're in a relationship or not. My friends constantly check up on me about my health, and are there when it takes a dive. An even more recent example is all of us taking care of E as he battles cancer. The friend in this predicament is often taken care of by her best friend when she's sick. So there goes that whole argument.
This whole thing has my feathers all kindsa ruffled. My initial reaction was, "what the fuck?" (Pardon my French, we all know I'm trying to curse less these days). Relationships are mergers, not takeovers. Your families, your friends, your jobs, your space are all joined and eventually find a peaceful coexistence. Nobody has the right to tell anyone else who they can and cannot associate with.  The only time that's even a little acceptable is when the friendship directly threatens the relationship. But even then it's a convo both parties should have a mutually agree to. If someone I was dating said I had to choose between them or any of my friends, I would promptly show them the door. Let's face it, 99.9% of romantic relationships are temporary and that diamond in the rough who you're meant to be with will not even consider asking you to cut people who genuinely love you out of your life. No one I know would ever agree to such an arrangement, this friend included. She's torn about the whole thing because they were having a great time up until this surfaced. And she put it perfectly when she said that the pain in the ass thing about dating is you find someone who is "90% great for you and 10% bunny boiler". The goal of course is to find someone who is 1% bunny boiler or less. And that's the challenge, yo. But even then, the majority of us still need time away from the relationship in order for it to work. No matter how much I love somebody, I don't want to spend 24/7 with them (even Miss N). People need social interaction, it is how we are built, so spending all of your moments with a single person is eventually going to backfire. Not to mention someone who has the expectation that they will get all of your time, no matter what. I believe people come into your life for a reason and those closest to you have a lasting effect on who you are. So anybody who comes in and tries to pull you away from all them is trying to do away with a part of you. And that's not a good thing. I don't know why this whole thing has me all up in arms the way it does. I know she's never going to ditch anyone in her life for no man, the same way I'd never ditch a single person in my life for the sake of a relationship. And no one's ever dropped this on me in as blunt a way as he has her. I mean, I've had the same female best friend for 32 years so it's pretty much known from the start that I'm not going to be open to anything like this. I've gotten occasional comments here and there about my female friends but never an ultimatum about having them in my life. We know who would win that battle. Just as we know who will win this one.

For The First Time You Are Mortal, As The Child Before You Grows

I sat with E during his chemo session today. We had a good day; lunch, some work and then he and Miss N hung out and played before he rested. I like watching the two of them together.  I remember the first time he held her, they both seemed so content. He looks like this rough dude with tattoos everywhere but he's putty in Miss N and Miss L's little hands. Something occurred to me during their play session. Everything is in a holding pattern with E right now because his prognosis is so uncertain. No one knows for sure if he'll beat the cancer, forget about having a family down the line. And I felt...almost guilty for a minute. E is one of those people who has always known he wanted a family, and it's been of the utmost importance to him the past few years or so. He's strived for that his entire life and doesn't have it. I never really strived for any of that yet I have a kid. Life is ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE Miss N and know she's changed my life for the better. She is the only case of love at first sight that I have ever experienced. I wouldn't trade that at all. But it's not like I ever said, "Man, I can't wait to have kids". When I was young I just assumed I'd have them because that's what you do. But at around 12 or 13, I spent a good amount of time helping out with a set of younger cousins (4 kids under 8...yeah) and realized that it was A LOT of work. I took a 'meh' approach to kids after that. Even after I found the first love of my life, my attitude remained the same. We both talked about a family someday, talked about marriage, but we were so young that it seemed way down the road. There was so much to do before all that. Everyone says you get broody as you get older but I don't think I have. I've had bouts of broodiness but never the urge to act on them. Kids are great, I love kids, but I never aspired to be a father. Some people do, and more power to them for being ready for such a big commitment so early on in life. I think people assume it's women who dream about becoming parents from the time they're little but I know a number of dudes who wanted to become fathers from a very young age (not to be confused with becoming a father AT a young age). Some have kids now, some don't. Some of those who do have discovered it's not quite what they expected, while others are all kindsa super dad. Just because you want something doesn't mean you'll be great at it. And the reverse is true, just because you never really aspired to something doesn't mean you won't excel at it. Some folks have one baby and no sooner do they get the kid home that they decide to start trying for a second one ASAP. I never used to understand this because babies test you, yo. You don't sleep, you don't have time for much else other than tending to the baby, and it definitely puts a strain on even the most stable relationship. Adding a second kid to the madness of an infant has never appealed to me. But I think as Miss N has gotten older I've begun to grasp why people do this. Because as the kid gets older and things get a bit easier, you get to this place of comfort where the thought of an infant just does not appeal to you. You have a system and everybody in the household knows it and it works and you know what kind of chaos a baby will bring into that. My brother went through this, as did my sister and bro-in-law although they were all young parents. They had their first kids just before their twenties and the next ones didn't come around until they were pushing thirty. I had Miss N in my twenties and who knows what the future will bring on that front. Most of the women I've dated have wanted to be mothers, some of them quite badly, while a few have had my same attitude about it. My ex-fiancée never wanted children and now has a daughter and two step-sons, so life throws us all curveballs at some point. A lot of my exes who were gung ho about kids have them now and they're wonderful mothers, which I always knew they would be. It's so funny how life works out sometimes. You can't always get what you want and you end up getting things you didn't even know you wanted. I hope E gets everything he's ever wanted.

Campaign For Me To Stay When You Know That I'm Gone Right

Part two of our musical journey keeps us in the same genre and same decade, only this time it's a sung/rap collaboration instead of the other way around. I was 16 when Janet's "Velvet Rope" album came out and I remember it well. It's so funny to look back on what the sibs and I were and were not allowed to listen to growing up. Neil Diamond talking about hookers? Good. Boyz II Men singing about getting it on? Good. Oldies songs about transsexuals? Good. Any rap song in creation, regardless of the message? You're grounded. My mom has a deep hatred of all things rap, even songs that just have a cameo by a rapper. I don't understand why she loathes it so much but back then we weren't allowed to ask questions. But she was always okay with Janet. In hindsight, I don't know if she was fully aware of the content from "janet." on. "Rhythm Nation", my favorite album of all-time, was pretty much innocent in its message. I don't know if she based everything else that came out off of that album or what but she never thought twice about letting us listen to Miss Jackson. And that's hilarious considering every album since has been quite sexual in nature. VR was no different, its ode to sex talking about bondage. Honestly, I was never super psyched about any of her uber-explicit songs. Some of them feel as if they're trying too hard to be controversial, "Anytime, Anyplace" the exception. To put in perspective how long ago this album was released (aside from the fact that I was 16), people still bought CD's back then at The Virgin Megastore. Yeah. That happened. And that's where I got my copy. People (read: me) also used to watch MTV and BET constantly to see these things called music videos, sometimes recording them to these things called VHS tapes so they could be watched again. Cray cray, I know. I was one of those who favored BET because it showed a lot more R&B and Hip Hop than MTV did at the time. It was there that I saw the video for this song and heard the song for the first time. It kicked ass then and it kicks ass now.

You Better Help Me Solve My Problem, I'ma Get This Money And Rob 'Em

I recently acquired a trial of Pandora One, which is the paid version of Pandora. The free version was the only one available when I got my phone and the first music app I downloaded. I was still an active user when the paid version was released and considered getting it because I loathe advertising, but was put off by the fact that I would still be limited in the number of songs I could skip. I got bored and moved on to Songza and more recently TuneIn, which has been my go to music app for months now. I know people who swear by Pandora so I figured I'd try it again. So far, so meh. Sometimes it's on fiyah with the songs it plays, other times it plays songs I have never heard in my life and I can only thumbs down so many an hour. I also don't like that I can't repeat songs, and it took me forever to figure out how to play everything I like on one station instead of skipping around. The past few evenings, however, it has been playing some kick ass tunes. And that is why we get a twofer on songs o' the week. This one I hadn't heard in ages and forgot how much I loved it. I'm not a huge ODB fan but he's got some good stuff. Fonz rest his troubled soul, the dude sounds angry in every single song he does. The "Fantasy" remix with Mariah? He makes "Japan, are you in the house?" sound almost too terrifying to answer. "Ghetto Supastar" with Maya and Pras? He's upset about...I don't know, something political. This one? Well, it's about his money so I can understand his frustration.

Passive Me, Aggressive You

For about a month now I've found myself in a place of, "meh". I have a pretty good idea of when it started and what the catalyst was. And sometimes it's not so much "meh" as it is just deciding not to take BS anymore. I've been trying to better myself in ways that probably seem minor to others. I've stopped cursing so much. I've upped the meditation to twice a day. I've set some work goals for myself. I've thought more about things before I react to them, but this has been the toughest task since I tend to be quite impulsive in the moment. And I feel better. I feel more productive in a way. So, of course, the universe has decided to send something my way to test me. And not just a pop quiz either. More like a standardized test that you have no idea to prepare for and are pretty sure you're going to fail. I'm not sure if I should cash in my chips now or attempt the test.
I've written before of a cousin who has often tried my patience and wreaked havoc on my emotions. We had a nasty falling out some months ago that resulted in me severing ties with him. I have to admit that it was rather effortless to do so. Things were so awful between us that I found myself less stressed once we stopped communicating. It's also been easy because there have been no major family events where our paths have crossed. But that will soon change. I'm going home for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas and apparently so is he. Awesome. I knew about the last two holidays but not about Halloween. The whole reason I'm going home for that is because Miss N wants to trick or treat with her cousins, so I can't not go. I have no idea why he's choosing to go home that week. But it's inevitable that we'll end up having to converse. I've heard that he's been putting this whole thing on me, and in a way he's right. I'm the one who told him not to contact me anymore. I'm the one who has kept my promise of not taking his crap anymore. But it wasn't a decision I made lightly, not a decision that was made for no reason. I take responsibility for my role but won't be blamed for the whole thing. I'm at a point now where I can either find a way to keep our contact to nothing, or I can play nice and I'm not sure which is better. He's still been bad mouthing me and reacting in a very mean way to everything. I've taken a more mellow approach and not given us much thought. I can honestly say no fucks have been given on my end when it comes to this situation. I have zero regrets about cutting him loose. And I have no interest in being involved with someone who still holds so much anger and resentment towards me. So I'm inclined not to play nice. But also not to be a part of the drama. The question is, how do I avoid the confrontation? The family has wisely chosen not to involve themselves in our issue, so it's not like they'll be willing to plan stuff around our feud. I don't know, man. Part of me just wants to say, 'eff it' and ignore him the whole time. The other part has no idea what comes next. I guess we shall see.

"What The Hell", Indeed

Why you shouldn't do good deeds for others...

Me: I just cleaned out the cousin's fridge and took the trash out. I'm struggling with trying to open the dumpster and flinging the trash in when I hear, "Excuse me, do you know The Lord Savior Jesus Christ?"
Friend: lol Only you
Me: I said yes. I'd just yelled out his name whilst trying to open the dumpster.
Friend: LMAO!

==========

Why you shouldn't text while lying down...

Friend: Drankin' a cherry coke in your honah
Me: Oh you suck
Friend: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...*takes a long hard suck*
Me: My hobo wants to kick you in the pussy right mow
Me: LOL WTF
Friend: LMAO!! Where do I start with that???

==========

Why you should always sneak things into the movies...

Me: We're thinking we'll sneak in candy and sodas and maybe get popcorn
Me: I asked if she had a bigger purse bc the one she carries is kinda small and she says to me, she says, "Oh honey..." and opens the closet. There were a billion purses in there, all organized and ish. I felt like I was in a gay spy movie.
Friend: LOL Gay spy movie

==========

A friend sent this onto me. Can't imagine why they would do such a thing...

Burning Out A Fuse Up Here Alone

As you may have noticed on the Twitter feed to the right, I saw "Gravity" this weekend. I like space. There used to be a show on The History Channel called "The Universe" that took viewers on tours of distant planets, other moons and explored the possibilities of just what else might exist in all that vastness. The animations were awesome and the series lives on in repeats on H2, but it's a shame they stopped producing it. I was all in to see "Gravity" from the moment I heard about it, and even moreso when I heard it starred Sandra Bullock and George Clooney. She can do no wrong in my book and Clooney tends to be good in just about everything he does. We opted for the 3D version because it's a movie about space and that kinda screams 3D (not to mention the spiffy glasses we all get to don). In hindsight, we could've seen the 2D and gotten all the same effects. There were only a few moments where the 3D actually popped and came in handy, and they were cool, but not as great as I expected. The movie itself though was fantastic. It only had a handful of actors but it didn't need a large cast anyway. The premise of the film casts the pair as astronauts who are working on the Hubble Space Telescope when debris from a destroyed Russian satellite begins hurling their direction. It's incredibly well shot, well written and terrifically acted. I thought it was easily the best movie of the year thus far. Nothing was unbelievable, in my humble opinion. But then, my degree is not in Physics. But this fella's is. And he apparently felt the need to show off his big brain to the world, and get himself some publicity, by taking "Gravity" to task.
This fool went off on Twitter about the inaccuracies in the movie. Some of his gripes; the debris in the movie orbits the earth east to west instead of the opposite direction, Sandra Bullock's hair not being affected by gravity once she takes her helmet off, and why she was even in space to begin with since she's a medical doctor. Couple few things here. First, I guarantee 99% of the people in the theater were not nitpicking over the direction of the debris. Who cares? It's a movie. Second, I've never known a film to show male astronauts hair flailing wildly about in zero gravity, the explanation always being that it is too short to be move too much. Her hair in the movie is also super short so I didn't find it curious that it wasn't moving about. If she'd had long hair that was unaffected and picture perfect then maybe this mother lover has a gripe. Finally, unless I missed it, there was no mention of what kind of doctor she plays in the movie. I assumed she was one of those who spent most of her time in a lab developing stuff and was then selected to train and go into space because she developed something only she knew how to fully control. That's very believable and plausible as most astronauts have some kind of training in that type of specialty. At the end of the day, these all come off as minor gripes by a dude with way too much time on his hands. Movies aren't reality, ya'll. They are meant to be a form of escapism, a place where you don't always have to overthink every little thing. It's not like this is the first space-themed movie to come out or something and every movie, no matter how meticulously researched by the director, has inaccuracies. "Apollo 13" is full of them even though most of the material it's based on was available well in advance of the script being written. "Titanic" also has inaccuracies, but the majority of those have to do with us not knowing the specifics of how the ship actually sank until fairly recently. Ron Howard took artistic liberties with his movie and James Cameron wrote and directed his using the best knowledge available at the time. It's not a big deal. When you make a film, you have 120 minutes to capture your audience, keep the attention of your audience and tell your story. Do you think anybody wanted to sit through a long, drawn out scene of NASA going through all the little technical things that happen when a shuttle launches? Of course not. You go for the drama, for the emotion, and hopefully it lands. But this dude's degree isn't in Film. Mine is. And I actually enjoy movies. Sucks to be smart, yo.

A Million Little Screws

As I type this, I am using my old laptop. Yes, the same laptop I stupidly set on the edge of the couch long ago and then watched fall, breaking the charger port. It's trippy. I adored this computer. It was a Sony, it was ridic expensive and it served me well. I still remember buying it. I decided to take the plunge but was displaced at the time, living out of a hotel room with my best friend due to some housing issues. And I was miserable. I don't tend to be a big fan of hotels in general so living in one drove me insane. I was going to wait until we were back in house to buy my laptop but the BF suggested I do it then because it might cheer me up and take my mind off the negative. The day turned out more memorable than I imagined. I bought the laptop, left it there at the store so the dude could install some software and set it up, we went to lunch and then returned to the store. I ran into the store while she stayed in the car and came out with a giant box and a couple of PC games. We went to start the car and...nothin'. The battery was dead. It was a pain in the ass at the time but now it's one of those, "could only happen to us" kinda stories. Eventually, we did make it back to the hotel and ended up tag teaming one of the games I bought while marveling over the wonders of wireless internet. If nothing else, it was memorable. This computer was pretty damn awesome to me. The battery life sucked but that's true of most laptops even today (mine has a high capacity battery and still only gets about three hours of battery life). It rarely had any other problems though. Sony makes good stuff.
So how did we get from a busted charger port to posting a blog, you ask? A combination of dumb luck and my stubborn refusal to give up. I've looked into fixing this thing for years now. Best Buy told me it would be $800 (EIGHT HUNDRED!!) to fix it because it had to be sent off, taken completely apart and then put back together again. Various computer shops gave me estimates ranging from $60 to $150, the former coming from some punk kid who tried to scam me. He said it would be $60 including parts, ordered the part (which I paid for) and had it shipped to me and then the night before the repair he tried to jack up the price to over $100, claiming he hadn't known what distance he would have to travel and needed to recoup travel costs. Had he factored in travel costs and learned how to use Mapquest before he gave his quote, I wouldn't have had an issue with it but he waited until the very last moment and told me about it via email, rather than a phone call, which made me think he was hoping I wouldn't get the email in time to cancel and would be forced to pay. I figured I'd wait until I had the extra cash and take up one of the other shops on their $100 estimate. I never really had the cash, so it just sat alone in a closet. After the incident with the shady kid, I attempted to open it up and see if I could repair it myself but I couldn't get the casing off of the bottom of the laptop. So it just sat alone in a closet. Until my cousin took it down to her place in DC hoping her work buddy could fix it. But he got fired and they had a falling out. So it just sat alone in a (much nicer) closet. The cousin took a tumble off of her bike a few days ago and I came down to help her get some stuff organized and we got to talking about the laptop again. My original plan was to repair it and give it to my mom, who doesn't have a computer and can't afford to get one. Finally accepting that this thing would likely never get fixed, I decided to look into getting her a refurbished one for Christmas. I don't like using credit, I hate being in debt to anyone, but figured if I were going to use it then this would be a worthy cause. Then I had a lightbulb moment last night and decided to see if I could fix this thing myself, give it one last try before deciding to just toss it. After a good Google, I realized that the new charger port did not have to be soldered into the motherboard like I originally thought. I know how to solder but had never done it in an electronics context and didn't have a soldering tool anyway, so that had kept me from really digging deep into how to fix it. Now that it was obvious I only had to take out the old charger, plug in the new one and put everything back together, I was cautiously optimistic about fixing it. And it was an adventure.
There are a million little screws that attach laptops to all of their innerworkings. And you have to keep track of those million little screws or else you're...well, screwed. It was these screws that foiled my attempt at repairing it the last time, but on this occasion I was determined to fix the thing. I finally got it apart and found the plug for the charger port. It unplugged easily but getting the little plastic part where the cord of the charger attaches out took FOREVER. Literally forever. By which I mean about two hours. It was attached to a metal part and was wedged in there pretty good so it was two hours of moving it around and trying to pull it out. Once I finally got it, I couldn't figure out how to get the new one in there because of the metal part holding everything together. That took another hour, more screwing and unscrewing and a lot of prying from a screwdriver. Somehow, I still don't know exactly how, I got the thing in there. I stopped to take a break before reattaching everything and then plugging it in. Moment o' truth. It's either going to fire right up and the mission was a success, or it was going to remain a black screen and the dream was dead. It turned on. It booted. It's been on for a few hours now and is working just dandy. It looks dated, the keyboard feels weird and there are a million things I have to update and delete, but it works. And I am tres impressed with myself. I don't often pat myself on the back for anything but I'm stoked about having done this. As I always say, anything is possible through the power of Google.
The plan now is to update the memory, get a new battery and possibly a new hard drive and still make it a Christmas gift for mom. It kinda works out because she's comfortable with the operating system it has and she probably won't even fill up the hard drive it has now. But I know she'll likely keep it on her desk and treat it like a desktop so I can get her a usb mouse, an external hard drive and that's that. Hopefully it gets her through the next few years. And another upside is I can add, "computer stuff" to my Mr. Fix-It list. Awesome.

We Got All Night To Set The World Right

I never thought I'd say, "That Neil Diamond fellow isn't bad". I have long disliked Mr. Diamond. I don't really know why. My mom is a huge fan so I've always known of his work. But it wasn't until the last year or so that I've actually listened to his stuff. And I can see why he was so popular. He's a good writer and he definitely has his own style. The first song of his that I took to was, "You Got To Me". The second was this one, "Cracklin' Rosie". Not surprisingly, the first is about a rolling stone of a dude being settled down by a chick and the second one is about a hooker. But I didn't know it was about a hooker until a few months ago when I really listened to the lyrics. Here is a dramatic reenactment of that moment:

Radio: "Oh, I love my Rosie child. You got the way to make me happy"
Me: "That sounds dirty."
Radio: "Cracklin' Rose, you're a store-bought woman"
Me: "Wait..."
Radio: "But you make me sing like a guitar hummin'"
Me: "Huh."
Radio: "Girl, if it lasts for an hour, that's alright"
Me: Huh.

This week's "The Big Bang Theory" ventured into Diamond territory, showcasing "Sweet Caroline", "Coming To America", and "Sherry" in hilarious fashion. So why not make one of these the song o' the week?

This Is The Only Kind Of Love, As I Understand It, That There Really Is

I've had more time than I would've liked to think lately. Life can sure throw some interesting things your way. I'm not completely sure how to articulate what I have in my head so this may jump around a bit.
I've written before about unconditional love. In my opinion, there is no other way to love, and I don't think I'm capable of anything less than loving unconditionally. Especially since I've seen the alternative. I have an uncle who loves only with conditions and casts people out when they don't meet his expectations. I look at him and wonder how lonely an existence that must be. I could never do that, nor would I ever want to. I dislike people but I am fiercely protective of and loyal to my loved ones. I have been told I have a big heart. If that is true then it explains why I occasionally cling to someone or something when I know I should be doing the opposite. But it also explains my optimism. I like that about myself. In fact, it's one of the few things I actually like about myself. And it's gotten me through a lot. Perhaps it's my one redeeming quality. But this year the optimist has been K.O.'d more than ever before. Admittedly, I have turned to some not so great methods of coping. And I've kicked myself for it the morning after. I've had...terrible thoughts, both while clearheaded and while not. The battle raging within me over the past few months, and especially the last few weeks, has tested me. I've gone through the full range of human emotions, loneliness taking the wheel more often than the others. It's been a test but also a challenge. It's challenged me to be better, to come out the other side. And I hope this is the beginning of that.
Even though I love hard, I am not always the best at it. I know people who love far better than I will ever have the capacity to. People who love someone even when it's difficult to do so. People who loved me when I loathed who'd I'd become so much that I couldn't even get out of bed. People who continue to give me advice knowing that I likely won't take it. People who support me when things blow up in my face. People who forgive me even though they would be completely justified in telling me to eff off. All of this is unconditional love. Some folks mistakenly believe that "unconditional love" means supporting someone unconditionally. That's not always the case. You can be one thousand percent against what someone is doing, or how they live their life yet still love them. It is possible to love unconditionally but support conditionally, just as it is possible to love AND support unconditionally. An example of the former would be the situation with my brother going off the rails; I still loved him through all of that but I withdrew my support for a time. It all depends on the person, on what combination we are capable of and willing to give. And have I ever gotten an education in love the last few weeks.
The catalyst for my decision to get my life on track was my surrogate grandmother's death. She basically fell into a depression and drank herself to death. I was a mess myself at the time and could foresee a similar fate if I didn't change. Let's face it, it was nothing but dumb luck that allowed me to live through the dark ages. I did copious amounts of substances, any combination of which could have (and should have) killed me. I remember partying so hard one night that as I was passing out it crossed my mind that I could very well be closing my eyes for the final time. No one was more shocked than I was when I woke up the next day. That same day I met this chick at a production meeting; 23, brunette, gorgeous green eyes. She could tell I was bad news and ignored me at first. But I wore her down and we dated for a few months. It was rocky, to say the least. She was a good girl from a good family and I played choir boy for awhile, just long enough to get her into bed. After that I got bored. She was seeking a relationship, I was only in search of my next buzz. But she wouldn't let go so I began to act out and give her every reason to ditch me. I didn't sleep with anyone else but I dodged her calls and I was intentionally mean. I was just awful to her. Because that was all I was capable of at that time. Eventually, I realized she was not going to leave so I ended it, and the end was UGLY. But it had always been inevitable. I knew from the moment we met that we were already working towards our end. I just hadn't calculated how nasty it would all get, how terrible I'd become. Still, I felt bad, both then (when I was sober, anyway) and for years after. It was like there was this decent person inside me screaming and trying to get out and go on the straight and narrow. But when it got too loud and began to emerge I just popped some more pills. I think a part of me wanted the good girl to bring some good out of me and she wanted to take a walk on the wild side with a bad boy. Only I wasn't ready to let the good take hold and she got more than she bargained for. I remember our end so vividly because that night was the first and only time I ever did an illegal drug in my life. It was such a dysfunctional time. Awhile back I sought her out so I could apologize. After years of refusing my calls and dodging my messages, she finally relented and was quite awesome about it. She was totally forgiving, didn't even need to hear my reasons. I didn't understand it then. My reaction would have been TOTALLY different in her shoes. Recently she sent me a message and a part of it struck me. She said that she knew I was not myself when we dated. Somehow she just knew. Which is why she stuck it out. Even with how awful I was being, she STILL saw the good and tried to bring it out. When it became clear that we would not last, she still saw me as a friend and wanted to try and love me through the fog I was in. Honestly, I never saw us as friends. It was just another conquest to me. There was no love, friendly or otherwise, in my heart so it was easy for me to be mean. All that time I was being a bastard, trying to cast her out on a daily basis, she was loving me without conditions. Upon realizing all this I thought, "Wow, I don't know if I could do that.". Well, life is funny. And a week later, I can honestly say that I can do that.
Like many others, my faith is extremely important to me. My beliefs are a big part of me and I do my best to apply them every single day. I have many issues with organized religion but the main issues are the idea that you do things for reward (ie. to get into heaven) and the supposed uber-religious folks who go to church on Sunday but do whatever they want Monday through Saturday yet still lecture about how their faith is the one true path. I don't care for the pick and choose attitude a lot of religious folks seem to have. I do not practice my faith in order to receive a pass to the "good" place. I do it because it makes me a better father, friend, son, brother and overall person. Sometimes I struggle with supporting someone who does something that goes against my beliefs. I know I can be judgmental on occasion. But I am trying to improve. And recent events have shown me that I may be succeeding. I hope I am. I want to be better at a lot of things and loving unconditionally is one of them. There's always room for improvement in everything you do. What's the point in hanging around this planet if you're not aspiring to be better?

My Little Crack Dealer

The beautiful thing about Miss N getting older is being able to introduce her to stuff I like (I'm sure there are other beautiful things about kids getting older, but this is the one I'm excited about). One of those things are Pixy Stix. I introduced her to the wonder of Pixy Stix a few months ago and we've both developed a bit of a habit since then. Mind you, Pixy Stix are almost completely pure sugar so it's more of a weekend habit. We also got the best friend hooked on them (again), to the point where she referred to them as "crack" whilst out of earshot of the kids. Or so we thought. Miss N is with the best friend this weekend and they went to the park where Miss N proceeded to sell her last Pixy Stix to a friend for a quarter. The best friend called to tell me about this incident and Miss N bumrushed her and grabbed the phone to say, "Dad!! I sold crack!!". And she said it with pride. And it was hilarious. On the one hand, we're gonna have to dial down the crack talk from her ever expanding vocabulary. On the other hand, the girl has bidness sense. A package of about 25 Pixy Stix costs a dollar and she made 1/4 of that off of a single stick. I see swimming pools and movie stars in our future...

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Prior to Miss N's shenanigans, this happened:

Me: I cleaned out the fridge and took the trash out. I'm struggling with trying to open the dumpster and fling the trash in when I hear, "Excuse me, do you know The Lord Savior Jesus Christ?"

Friend: lol Only you

Me: I said yes. I'd just yelled out his name whilst trying to open the dumpster

Friend: LMAO!

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Lastly, as we're all aware, I love hockey. And hockey is back. And last night my beloved Colorado Avalanche played their first game and their new coach, former Av's goaltender Patrick Roy, made his NHL coaching debut. It. Was. AWESOME. They won, 6-1 and it should have been a shutout because their goalie was amazing. In the final minute of the game, one of the Anaheim Ducks forwards stuck his leg out and threw an illegal hit on an Avalanche forward, but was not penalized for it. The final few seconds of the clock ticked down and a brawl erupted. The Avs did not take kindly to the no call on the hit and felt it was intentional and uncalled for since the outcome of the game had long been decided. The Ducks coach, who looks a lot dumber than he actually is, began jawing at the Avalanche bench and a Ducks player threw water towards the Avalanche players on the bench. Roy was LIVID and began screaming at the Ducks coach, eventually becoming so upset that he pushed the divider that separates the benches. On the second push, it almost fell over and he was pulled away from the drama by his assistant coaches. The scrum ended and everyone departed the ice, except for the winners. Of course, it's already gone viral and the league has handed down a $10,000 fine to Roy. The thrower of the illegal hit faces no discipline whatsoever, which is not shocking given the way the league has handled these situations in the past. (A Toronto player actually took two baseball swings at an opponent with his hockey stick and the only thing it cost him was two pres-season games.) There are people on both sides of the argument about Roy's actions last night. One half say it was completely uncalled for and that he's a goon who has no business coaching. But the smarter group (read: Avs fans) knew this was always a possibility. Roy was a passionate player and he will be a passionate coach. His team played very well and A LOT better than they played under their last coach. The last dude always had the same demeanor, win or lose, and never got upset about anything. Roy goes through the whole range of human emotions on the bench while he coaches. Management knew of his temperament when they hired him and everyone knew it would be a challenge for him to keep it in check. I think he was just genuinely pissed off about the intent to injure hit that Anaheim threw and that they were not penalized for it. I don't think he expected the dasher between the benches to give the way it did, he was simply trying to get his argument home to Anaheim's coach. The argument being that you do not throw dirty hits at his players, period. Patrick Roy can be a very classy guy, but he will also cut a bitch when he gets upset. Hopefully, he can keep it in check for the next 81 games and beyond. He certainly seems to have his team ready to play and fully committed to doing whatever it takes to win. One thing's for sure, the season will be anything but boring for the Avs.

True Love

No, really. Allll of this was said out of love.

Me: It's hockey season! I don't love anything more than I love hockey.
[Cousin looks at Miss N]
Me: Oh, right.

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Cousin: Thank you for the, "you look like a whore" text I woke up to.
Me: You are quite welcome.
Cousin: Your signature on your texts should just be, "sorry this text was offensive"
Me: LOL. Yeah, probably

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[While watching "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory"]
Miss N: I wanna live there!!!
Me: Me too, love. Meeeeeeee too.

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Me: What color is your hair anyway? Black like your heart? Brown like your skin?
Friend: Lily white like your liver, you wuss!!!!
Me: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH SNAP!!!
Me: Pure white like the holy men you corrupt, harlot!!!!
Friend: And the conversation comes full circle
Me: Most people would look at our texts and see dysfunction.
Friend: They would think someone bout to die
Me: They don't see the romance in namecalling
Friend: It's up there with pulling hair and cuffs
Me: Word