For about a month now I've found myself in a place of, "meh". I have a pretty good idea of when it started and what the catalyst was. And sometimes it's not so much "meh" as it is just deciding not to take BS anymore. I've been trying to better myself in ways that probably seem minor to others. I've stopped cursing so much. I've upped the meditation to twice a day. I've set some work goals for myself. I've thought more about things before I react to them, but this has been the toughest task since I tend to be quite impulsive in the moment. And I feel better. I feel more productive in a way. So, of course, the universe has decided to send something my way to test me. And not just a pop quiz either. More like a standardized test that you have no idea to prepare for and are pretty sure you're going to fail. I'm not sure if I should cash in my chips now or attempt the test.
I've written before of a cousin who has often tried my patience and wreaked havoc on my emotions. We had a nasty falling out some months ago that resulted in me severing ties with him. I have to admit that it was rather effortless to do so. Things were so awful between us that I found myself less stressed once we stopped communicating. It's also been easy because there have been no major family events where our paths have crossed. But that will soon change. I'm going home for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas and apparently so is he. Awesome. I knew about the last two holidays but not about Halloween. The whole reason I'm going home for that is because Miss N wants to trick or treat with her cousins, so I can't not go. I have no idea why he's choosing to go home that week. But it's inevitable that we'll end up having to converse. I've heard that he's been putting this whole thing on me, and in a way he's right. I'm the one who told him not to contact me anymore. I'm the one who has kept my promise of not taking his crap anymore. But it wasn't a decision I made lightly, not a decision that was made for no reason. I take responsibility for my role but won't be blamed for the whole thing. I'm at a point now where I can either find a way to keep our contact to nothing, or I can play nice and I'm not sure which is better. He's still been bad mouthing me and reacting in a very mean way to everything. I've taken a more mellow approach and not given us much thought. I can honestly say no fucks have been given on my end when it comes to this situation. I have zero regrets about cutting him loose. And I have no interest in being involved with someone who still holds so much anger and resentment towards me. So I'm inclined not to play nice. But also not to be a part of the drama. The question is, how do I avoid the confrontation? The family has wisely chosen not to involve themselves in our issue, so it's not like they'll be willing to plan stuff around our feud. I don't know, man. Part of me just wants to say, 'eff it' and ignore him the whole time. The other part has no idea what comes next. I guess we shall see.
