For The First Time You Are Mortal, As The Child Before You Grows

I sat with E during his chemo session today. We had a good day; lunch, some work and then he and Miss N hung out and played before he rested. I like watching the two of them together.  I remember the first time he held her, they both seemed so content. He looks like this rough dude with tattoos everywhere but he's putty in Miss N and Miss L's little hands. Something occurred to me during their play session. Everything is in a holding pattern with E right now because his prognosis is so uncertain. No one knows for sure if he'll beat the cancer, forget about having a family down the line. And I felt...almost guilty for a minute. E is one of those people who has always known he wanted a family, and it's been of the utmost importance to him the past few years or so. He's strived for that his entire life and doesn't have it. I never really strived for any of that yet I have a kid. Life is ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE Miss N and know she's changed my life for the better. She is the only case of love at first sight that I have ever experienced. I wouldn't trade that at all. But it's not like I ever said, "Man, I can't wait to have kids". When I was young I just assumed I'd have them because that's what you do. But at around 12 or 13, I spent a good amount of time helping out with a set of younger cousins (4 kids under 8...yeah) and realized that it was A LOT of work. I took a 'meh' approach to kids after that. Even after I found the first love of my life, my attitude remained the same. We both talked about a family someday, talked about marriage, but we were so young that it seemed way down the road. There was so much to do before all that. Everyone says you get broody as you get older but I don't think I have. I've had bouts of broodiness but never the urge to act on them. Kids are great, I love kids, but I never aspired to be a father. Some people do, and more power to them for being ready for such a big commitment so early on in life. I think people assume it's women who dream about becoming parents from the time they're little but I know a number of dudes who wanted to become fathers from a very young age (not to be confused with becoming a father AT a young age). Some have kids now, some don't. Some of those who do have discovered it's not quite what they expected, while others are all kindsa super dad. Just because you want something doesn't mean you'll be great at it. And the reverse is true, just because you never really aspired to something doesn't mean you won't excel at it. Some folks have one baby and no sooner do they get the kid home that they decide to start trying for a second one ASAP. I never used to understand this because babies test you, yo. You don't sleep, you don't have time for much else other than tending to the baby, and it definitely puts a strain on even the most stable relationship. Adding a second kid to the madness of an infant has never appealed to me. But I think as Miss N has gotten older I've begun to grasp why people do this. Because as the kid gets older and things get a bit easier, you get to this place of comfort where the thought of an infant just does not appeal to you. You have a system and everybody in the household knows it and it works and you know what kind of chaos a baby will bring into that. My brother went through this, as did my sister and bro-in-law although they were all young parents. They had their first kids just before their twenties and the next ones didn't come around until they were pushing thirty. I had Miss N in my twenties and who knows what the future will bring on that front. Most of the women I've dated have wanted to be mothers, some of them quite badly, while a few have had my same attitude about it. My ex-fiancée never wanted children and now has a daughter and two step-sons, so life throws us all curveballs at some point. A lot of my exes who were gung ho about kids have them now and they're wonderful mothers, which I always knew they would be. It's so funny how life works out sometimes. You can't always get what you want and you end up getting things you didn't even know you wanted. I hope E gets everything he's ever wanted.