I had quite the interesting exchange with a friend last night. She's been seeing this new-ish guy and things seemed to be going well. But last night a HUUUUUUUGE red flag went up. Allow me to set the scene: she texted me asking if anyone I've dated has ever given me shit about the relationship she and I have. We've been friends for a decade, keep in close touch and pretty much talk about anything and everything. But I'm not her only close make friend and she's not my only close female friend. My response was that I'd never dealt with someone getting on me about our friendship, not in any major fashion anyway. She said that her spidey senses were telling her that if she continued to see this dude, it would eventually come to him forcing her to choose between the two of us. In fact, he went so far as to inquire about would happen if he did ask her to cut me out of her life. Her reaction was to shoot him a, "I'ma break some dishes" look (her words) and tell him that if he really cared about her, he would not ask her to cut anyone out of her life. She also pointed out that she would never ask him to cut ties with an ex that he is close to. Apparently he's been examining her relationships and doesn't understand why she would need any of us if they were to become a couple. He claims he doesn't "need" to spend ANY time with friends or family when in a relationship. She's of the mind that time and space are healthy for relationships and explained that even if they entered something she would still need and want to hang with friends and family. His response? "Why be in a relationship then?". What is this, high school? Wasn't there a TV movie with DJ Tanner and Kevin Arnold that began like this? As you may expect, my response to all of this was lengthy, to say the least. Very, very lengthy. Further fuel was added to the fire this morning when I asked what this dude expected to happen once they had children, would it be the two of them, the kids and no one else? She expects that's exactly his thinking. She says his friends have given him the whole 'bros before hos' speech before (which I also gave to her last night cuz that's how we roll) and his reply was, "you guys aren't the ones that are going to be sweet to me, cuddle me, take care of me when I'm sick". Couple few things. First, we shouldn't do things for reward like that. Second, maybe his friends wouldn't be around to take care of him when he's sick but plenty of other folks have friends who will, whether they're in a relationship or not. My friends constantly check up on me about my health, and are there when it takes a dive. An even more recent example is all of us taking care of E as he battles cancer. The friend in this predicament is often taken care of by her best friend when she's sick. So there goes that whole argument.
This whole thing has my feathers all kindsa ruffled. My initial reaction was, "what the fuck?" (Pardon my French, we all know I'm trying to curse less these days). Relationships are mergers, not takeovers. Your families, your friends, your jobs, your space are all joined and eventually find a peaceful coexistence. Nobody has the right to tell anyone else who they can and cannot associate with. The only time that's even a little acceptable is when the friendship directly threatens the relationship. But even then it's a convo both parties should have a mutually agree to. If someone I was dating said I had to choose between them or any of my friends, I would promptly show them the door. Let's face it, 99.9% of romantic relationships are temporary and that diamond in the rough who you're meant to be with will not even consider asking you to cut people who genuinely love you out of your life. No one I know would ever agree to such an arrangement, this friend included. She's torn about the whole thing because they were having a great time up until this surfaced. And she put it perfectly when she said that the pain in the ass thing about dating is you find someone who is "90% great for you and 10% bunny boiler". The goal of course is to find someone who is 1% bunny boiler or less. And that's the challenge, yo. But even then, the majority of us still need time away from the relationship in order for it to work. No matter how much I love somebody, I don't want to spend 24/7 with them (even Miss N). People need social interaction, it is how we are built, so spending all of your moments with a single person is eventually going to backfire. Not to mention someone who has the expectation that they will get all of your time, no matter what. I believe people come into your life for a reason and those closest to you have a lasting effect on who you are. So anybody who comes in and tries to pull you away from all them is trying to do away with a part of you. And that's not a good thing. I don't know why this whole thing has me all up in arms the way it does. I know she's never going to ditch anyone in her life for no man, the same way I'd never ditch a single person in my life for the sake of a relationship. And no one's ever dropped this on me in as blunt a way as he has her. I mean, I've had the same female best friend for 32 years so it's pretty much known from the start that I'm not going to be open to anything like this. I've gotten occasional comments here and there about my female friends but never an ultimatum about having them in my life. We know who would win that battle. Just as we know who will win this one.
