I've had more time than I would've liked to think lately. Life can sure throw some interesting things your way. I'm not completely sure how to articulate what I have in my head so this may jump around a bit.
I've written before about unconditional love. In my opinion, there is no other way to love, and I don't think I'm capable of anything less than loving unconditionally. Especially since I've seen the alternative. I have an uncle who loves only with conditions and casts people out when they don't meet his expectations. I look at him and wonder how lonely an existence that must be. I could never do that, nor would I ever want to. I dislike people but I am fiercely protective of and loyal to my loved ones. I have been told I have a big heart. If that is true then it explains why I occasionally cling to someone or something when I know I should be doing the opposite. But it also explains my optimism. I like that about myself. In fact, it's one of the few things I actually like about myself. And it's gotten me through a lot. Perhaps it's my one redeeming quality. But this year the optimist has been K.O.'d more than ever before. Admittedly, I have turned to some not so great methods of coping. And I've kicked myself for it the morning after. I've had...terrible thoughts, both while clearheaded and while not. The battle raging within me over the past few months, and especially the last few weeks, has tested me. I've gone through the full range of human emotions, loneliness taking the wheel more often than the others. It's been a test but also a challenge. It's challenged me to be better, to come out the other side. And I hope this is the beginning of that.
Even though I love hard, I am not always the best at it. I know people who love far better than I will ever have the capacity to. People who love someone even when it's difficult to do so. People who loved me when I loathed who'd I'd become so much that I couldn't even get out of bed. People who continue to give me advice knowing that I likely won't take it. People who support me when things blow up in my face. People who forgive me even though they would be completely justified in telling me to eff off. All of this is unconditional love. Some folks mistakenly believe that "unconditional love" means supporting someone unconditionally. That's not always the case. You can be one thousand percent against what someone is doing, or how they live their life yet still love them. It is possible to love unconditionally but support conditionally, just as it is possible to love AND support unconditionally. An example of the former would be the situation with my brother going off the rails; I still loved him through all of that but I withdrew my support for a time. It all depends on the person, on what combination we are capable of and willing to give. And have I ever gotten an education in love the last few weeks.
The catalyst for my decision to get my life on track was my surrogate grandmother's death. She basically fell into a depression and drank herself to death. I was a mess myself at the time and could foresee a similar fate if I didn't change. Let's face it, it was nothing but dumb luck that allowed me to live through the dark ages. I did copious amounts of substances, any combination of which could have (and should have) killed me. I remember partying so hard one night that as I was passing out it crossed my mind that I could very well be closing my eyes for the final time. No one was more shocked than I was when I woke up the next day. That same day I met this chick at a production meeting; 23, brunette, gorgeous green eyes. She could tell I was bad news and ignored me at first. But I wore her down and we dated for a few months. It was rocky, to say the least. She was a good girl from a good family and I played choir boy for awhile, just long enough to get her into bed. After that I got bored. She was seeking a relationship, I was only in search of my next buzz. But she wouldn't let go so I began to act out and give her every reason to ditch me. I didn't sleep with anyone else but I dodged her calls and I was intentionally mean. I was just awful to her. Because that was all I was capable of at that time. Eventually, I realized she was not going to leave so I ended it, and the end was UGLY. But it had always been inevitable. I knew from the moment we met that we were already working towards our end. I just hadn't calculated how nasty it would all get, how terrible I'd become. Still, I felt bad, both then (when I was sober, anyway) and for years after. It was like there was this decent person inside me screaming and trying to get out and go on the straight and narrow. But when it got too loud and began to emerge I just popped some more pills. I think a part of me wanted the good girl to bring some good out of me and she wanted to take a walk on the wild side with a bad boy. Only I wasn't ready to let the good take hold and she got more than she bargained for. I remember our end so vividly because that night was the first and only time I ever did an illegal drug in my life. It was such a dysfunctional time. Awhile back I sought her out so I could apologize. After years of refusing my calls and dodging my messages, she finally relented and was quite awesome about it. She was totally forgiving, didn't even need to hear my reasons. I didn't understand it then. My reaction would have been TOTALLY different in her shoes. Recently she sent me a message and a part of it struck me. She said that she knew I was not myself when we dated. Somehow she just knew. Which is why she stuck it out. Even with how awful I was being, she STILL saw the good and tried to bring it out. When it became clear that we would not last, she still saw me as a friend and wanted to try and love me through the fog I was in. Honestly, I never saw us as friends. It was just another conquest to me. There was no love, friendly or otherwise, in my heart so it was easy for me to be mean. All that time I was being a bastard, trying to cast her out on a daily basis, she was loving me without conditions. Upon realizing all this I thought, "Wow, I don't know if I could do that.". Well, life is funny. And a week later, I can honestly say that I can do that.
Like many others, my faith is extremely important to me. My beliefs are a big part of me and I do my best to apply them every single day. I have many issues with organized religion but the main issues are the idea that you do things for reward (ie. to get into heaven) and the supposed uber-religious folks who go to church on Sunday but do whatever they want Monday through Saturday yet still lecture about how their faith is the one true path. I don't care for the pick and choose attitude a lot of religious folks seem to have. I do not practice my faith in order to receive a pass to the "good" place. I do it because it makes me a better father, friend, son, brother and overall person. Sometimes I struggle with supporting someone who does something that goes against my beliefs. I know I can be judgmental on occasion. But I am trying to improve. And recent events have shown me that I may be succeeding. I hope I am. I want to be better at a lot of things and loving unconditionally is one of them. There's always room for improvement in everything you do. What's the point in hanging around this planet if you're not aspiring to be better?
