Oh, where to begin. I've been debating for months whether or not I should put the BP saga down here. I write to sort things out, to move past things, but I've been conflicted about whether or not writing about her would help or hurt the situation. And I couldn't decide if I should make what I write available to her, a former regular reader of my blog. However, this is not the version that she reads. I left my old blog addy up and continued to update it with most of the same posts that appear here. I moved everyone I know to this one and left only her at that one because I always knew our end was coming, and we were at one of our "ends" when I made that decision.. Now that I know it is FOR SURE over and I've slept on it, I'm a swirl of emotions. Hurt? Somewhat. Contemplative? Well, I've been that for a few months now. I could kick myself for falling into old habits. See, my first girlfriend and I had a tumultuous relationship. She was quite brash and could have an overpowering personality at times. Usually, I was the one who could sort of "tame" that and calm her down. Other times there was no way to calm the beast and she would go on and on and we'd yell and fight and say awful things. And that was what I couldn't take. She went for the jugular because it was the only way she knew how to survive. I understood that but, eventually, I also came to understand that I didn't have to be stuck in that loop with her. We brought out the worst in each other back then. The break-up was nasty. She made it that way but I certainly played my part. And it would've been almost anti-climactic for it to go down any other way. Still, it stuck with me for years and I think it did with her too. Something in me always wanted her. I wanted to tell her about my day, share my excitement about something that was coming up, talk about everything under the sun with her. But I had the sense to know that we were not a good fit at that moment. When we reunited years later, although we'd always been in some sort of contact, I was impressed by the change in her. She was calmer, less abrasive. She thought before she said something and if she deduced that it would unnecessarily hurt that person, she wouldn't say it. We got along amazingly and gave it another go. This time there were no fights, no drama, no going for the jugular. There was an understanding there of what we had and what we'd laid the foundation for years earlier. It was awesome. Of course, the good times never last and we were cut down by fate as we were approaching our prime. And it took...years for me to recover. I wanted to self-destruct, and I almost did on many occasions. But something kept saving my ass and moving me forward. I think the tenth anniversary of that loss did wonders for my progress. It became easier or...maybe the word is clearer that that period was over and would never return and that I had to move on. That it was okay to move on. I used to think of her and it would cripple me emotionally for a few days, but now I think of her and it makes me happy. It makes me realize how blessed I was to have the time with her that I did. I can talk about her and the good and the bad and do so in a reminiscent tone instead of an angry one. And that's kinda great. Still, I can't believe it's been so long since she was here. The loss is both new and old in that it seems like it was just a few years ago that it happened, even though it was really 11 years ago. Thinking about how we'd both be 32 right now trips me out. I can almost hear us laughing about it. I wonder sometimes where we'd be. Still a couple or better as friends? Still in each other's lives, no doubt.
All of this floods over me right now as I think about what happened, what just ended. BP found her way back into my life at the tail end of August and had proceeded to do nothing but put me through the ringer since then. But things really hit home for me yesterday. I'm tired of being so goddamn emotional all the time. I'm tired of one hangup leaving me in tears. I was fucking upset for an hour over her the other day (after one of her notorious hangups), I begged for one quick call. And got nothing. And nothing has become the usual of late. No calls, no texts, no fucks to give. I wouldn't have thought it was possible for her to care any less than she used to, but I am once again floored by her capacity for cruelty. I'm also emotionally spent. That rollercoaster is too much for me. It got to the point where I was questioning things about myself. "You say it doesn't take much to make you happy but you're wrong". "You're so manipulative". "Maybe you don't remember". "You're an asshole". "You're verbally abusive". No way. I know none of that is even close to being true, but she had me questioning whether it was. I know what it takes to make me happy and I know that it really doesn't take much. But I guess hearing from the person I cared about was considered "too much" in her opinion. I know I'm not manipulative, but she certainly was (hence why she had me questioning). And you know what, I don't always remember things and it's such a low, cruel blow to say that to me knowing what I deal with on a daily basis memory-wise. An asshole? Not really. I can be a bastard when I'm unhappy but I rarely lash out on any other occasion, I'm never mean just for kicks (unlike certain people). I'm certainly not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be abusive in any sense of the word. And I will NOT accept that label from anybody. But there's the thing. I accepted a lot of shit from her that I've never taken from anybody else. A LOT OF SHIT. I wanted to end things Christmas of 2011. But I still felt something, some kind of protectiveness and some kind of...caring. So when she got upset when she sensed what convo was coming, I dropped it. My only regret now is ever having responded to her messages after she called me "fucking autistic". Because that was the turning point for me. Something changed in the way I viewed her. I suddenly realized she was capable of just about anything and I didn't like that. From that day on, it was like I'd given an inch and taken her back and she ran miles and miles with the power I gave her. There were no boundaries anymore when it came to fighting. And as she got nastier in what she said, I suddenly lost the ability to censor myself. The battles turned into wars and the wars raged for days. Had I never responded to those messages, none of those wars would've taken place and we'd both be better for it. The worst of what was said would never have been said. I regret responding more than anything else.
The last month (or two, really) has been trying but also eye-opening. My health has been shaky, my stress has been borderline and my heart has slowly been hardening when it comes to her. I could pinpoint the reasons for that but I'm honestly too tired to care anymore. It's like someone flipped the script from one week to the next and I was never informed of the rewrite. She was all into this when she came back, then left for a two week work trip and upon her return, nothing was the same. We usually butted heads about her work trips because she was incapable of having her own life while she was working. She threw herself into work to the detriment of her health, her personal life and her family. On this trip, she went MIA for half of the week and I didn't hear from her at all. That had never happened before, her being completely gone, but I chalked it up to work and didn't really miss the contact. Still, I figured we'd catch up when she got home. But there was none of that, no conversation at all. Just ignorance. At first I thought she was still working and dealing with the fallout from her trip but in reality she was finding ANYTHING else to do but talk to me. I decided to shift gears and see if she wanted to hang out, she said she was available all day the following Friday and to let her know when and where. I texted that morning and got, "Hey, in meetings all day". I was annoyed and pissed off because it seemed as if she'd flat out lied to me about her availability. She fought with me about it, swore she had never told me she was free and claimed she was still free that night. She again said she was going into meetings and would text me later. That text never came. In fact, she proceeded to go out to dinner with her client, someone she claimed screamed at her all the time and was crazy (pot, meet kettle). Yet they went to dinner for hours that night. The next day she texted me and said she was going to a wedding, no mention of the day before. When I responded by telling her I didn't believe she was interested anymore, she refuted it with her favorite sentence - "I was just busy". I told her that, in my experience, if someone really wants to go out with you (the way she claimed she did) then that will be one of the first things on their mind and they would text when they were free to see if you were also free. Not only did she not text after her meeting, she didn't even seem to think about it. Then, out of nowhere, she tells me she's out of town for this wedding she'd spoken of. I had zero idea she was no longer here and thought that these were not the actions of someone who gave a fuck. She KNEW Friday night was her only available time and didn't relay that info to me, didn't even try to hang out and now she's out of town all weekend. I'm holding on like a fucking monkey and she's out purposely ignoring me and having no second thoughts about it. I don't like being ignored and I really don't like someone keeping secrets from me. But that's what she did; she said, "I love you" and then proceeded to withhold the information about her pulling away. That is, until last week when she finally came clean about what I'd already known, that she was consciously withdrawing from this. Too little, too late. I was withdrawing myself by the third week of total ignorance but still held out hope that something could change, something could happen. But I got my reality checked every time we talked. There was just nothing there. No love. No friendship. Nothing. Just snark and two people teetering on the edge of a cliff. Still, she showed some signs of actually giving a fuck. When I attempted to end it and cited her month-long ignorance as the culprit she broke down in what I thought were real tears and showed what I thought was real emotion at the thought of us being done for good. It was the first genuine emotion (that wasn't anger) that I'd felt from her in ages. She convinced me to abandon ship again and give it another shot. All for nothing. Despite the apology for having taking us for granted and the promise that that would no longer be the case, nothing changed. I was still alone, still felt more alone than I ever have in my life. I tried to hammer home to her that she has no idea what it's like to be completely ignored by the person you care about, seemingly as if someone flipped a switch from one day to the next. And I genuinely hope that she never does because it's just an awful feeling. She never understood it though. "Yeah, yeah, sorry" and that was supposed to be it. She pacified me, all the while knowing that she was no longer in this. It was so fucking bizarre.
I've never known anybody to hold the trigger to my emotions in the palm of their hand. Until her. She had that power and I will never understand why. I don't even think she knew it either, but sometimes I wonder. She completely wrecked me emotionally and fucked with my head. But I didn't realize just how far gone she was until yesterday's conversation. I ended it again a few days ago and she showed much less emotion than she previously had. It was almost as if it was just a minor annoyance to her. Yet we kept talking. And she was finally able to take a phone call. From beginning to end, her attitude was the same - stone. cold. bitch. I don't like that word but it really does apply here. I still don't understand why but I started to breakdown halfway through the calls. I think I just became too dependent on her whenever we were in contact and whenever I was let down (which was always), it really got to me. She was almost mean when she heard how upset I was, "What is wrong? I don't understand. Why are you upset?". All of that said in a very "meh" tone of voice. No caring or concern AT ALL. She kept saying she was upset beneath the surface but I found that hard to believe. Then came the real kicker. I'm sitting there breaking down and I hear her chewing on the other end of the line. SERIOUSLY?? The person you claim is the "love of your life" is bawling and you decide it's a great time to have lunch?? Who the fuck does that?? I asked if she was eating and she sensed my annoyance and said, "What? I haven't eaten all day". Oh. Well then. Neither had I but that was the last thing on my mind. Why? Because I have human fucking emotions and a heart, two things she lacks. And something in my just went off. She's cool as a cucumber on the other end of the line while I'm literally in tears over this shit. Why am I crying over somebody who can't be bothered to even show the slightest bit of emotion towards me? The tears stopped flowing almost instantly. I was done. Not only was I done but I was full of resentment towards her. She noticed the change in me and kept trying to give me ultimatums and shit and tell me how she was feeling. I told her I didn't care. She seemed surprised by that and I repeated it - "I don't care. I don't care what you think.". I thought long and hard about what I was about to say and decided that I was no longer in the business of censoring myself for her benefit. After again clarifying to her that I didn't care, I told her I didn't want anything from her anymore. My last words to her were, "I hate you". Because that's where I'm at right now. I'm hurt, I am upset and I'm just done. But I'm not going to waste my tears on this anymore. No one has ever made me feel as awful as she did. No one has ever been able to get under my skin the way she did. No one has ever provoked the words, "I hate you" from my lips. And I can guarantee you I will never get entangled with anyone else who will make me say those words again. I hung up the phone and I deleted her from my life. I wanted zero contact with her anymore so I had the BF email her the login details of her old ass website that she asked me to set up. That was our only remaining tie and I didn't even want that anymore.
Now that's over, I feel like I have so much more clarity. I believe every relationship, romantic or otherwise, is a learning experience and this one was no different. This one was a whale of a learning experience. It taught me not to get caught up with someone who is the definition of "crazy". It taught me that I am too damn old for this kinda shit. In my early 20's, with my inexperience at the time, this kind of thing is understandable but at 32 it is not. And what's worse is she's pushing 36 and still doing this shit. It taught me that there are "daddy issues" and then there are "DADDY ISSUES". And if you find someone with the latter, you run for the hills. Because that's not just typical issues, that's some seriously fucked up emotional stunting going on there. She tried to turn our relationship into a parent/child one on more than one occasion and it freaked me the fuck out. It taught me that there is a limit to how much familial drama I can handle. Between her mother and her brother and her...I would've been headed to an early grave. She's conditioned to deal with that much dysfunction but I am not. Fortunately, I was raised by mentally sound people and not crazy ass folks who continue to torment me into adulthood. But above all, this whole thing taught me to demand better. Not just better than her, because it won't take much to be better than her, but better in general of my relationships. My standards have gotten progressively lower over the years because a part of me still thinks I'm the effed up dude from my twenties who has little to offer and so should expect little in return. But I'm not him anymore. I'm a good dude and I want to be with a great woman, one who can elevate me and not crush me. This is a great opportunity to redefine how I date and, more importantly, who I date.
