Say Hello To My Little Psychic Friend

Everybody has that one friend who's into some kooky stuff and who drags them along on their adventures. For my crew, A is that friend. She's the one who makes us sit and watch reality television (but none of the trash on E! or Bravo, she has standards. Or so she tells us.). She's the one who gets us out and about to new restaurants or random attractions when we're in another city. And she's the one who bought us all readings with a psychic over the weekend. I've always been 'meh' when it comes to psychics. I loved that Miss Cleo back in the day but when her empire came crashing down, it shook my faith in the psychic profession, mon. I think there are some people who genuinely have psychic abilities, or the ability to communicate with the dead. But those who fake it for profit far outweigh the genuine ones. And I was skeptical about whether this particular psychic was a faker or not. But A, as always, did her research and got, of all things, a referral for this lady, who is the gen-u-ine article. And I was impressed. As were my amigos, although not everyone loved what they heard from her. But in general, it was pretty good news all around. So, without further ado cuz I know you're just dying to know what my future holds and all, I present my one and only psychic reading.
Sitting down across from this lady, all I could think was that she didn't look like the kinda psychic I'd envisioned. You know, the ones that have a crystal ball and ten do rags up in their hair and mystical robes and ish. She looked...normal. Which is a compliment, even though it doesn't sound like one. She asked my name and my birthday and seemed either especially pleased or slightly annoyed that I'm a Taurus. She said I was stubborn and I almost demanded a refund of A's money on the spot, but regained my religion once she said that wasn't a part of the reading. She was pretty damn accurate about the past though. She said I'd lost a great love in my life and that, on more than one occasion, my spirit had been broken. I told her those were both true and that the latter had happened late last year, but I'd since recovered from it. She said I'd been wrestling with a decision of late, which is also true. I'm going back and forth about whether to take on another big project. She said I feel like I'm at a good place in my life right now, which is correct. She also knew I have a daughter and that it wasn't exactly a planned pregnancy. Then, she moved on to the future predictions. She sees me looking for not just a soulmate but a "mind mate", someone I'm compatible in ways I don't even know about yet. But "not actually looking, so much as awaiting". The next thing she said was quite intriguing. She sees two significant women in my future (to which G immediately said, "your next two conquests!". Fucker.), one much younger than the other, neither of whom have come into my life yet. One of them will also "have known great pain and a great loss of love" and we will bond over each of our losses. She said I was less anti-marriage than I think I am (damn her), and that I should keep an open mind about it, but didn't elaborate. In the most random prediction ever, she saw olive trees. What the hell that means, neither of us knew. And she saw the letter "A", but wasn't sure which of the women it belonged to, if either of them (but it's not the same A that brought me to her).
She was a very nice lady and I left feeling...confused? Maybe that's not the word, exactly. More like the way I felt after every single episode of "Lost"; puzzled, excited and slightly annoyed. Annoyed only because I don't like things being all murky. Bring on the two significant ladies and mind mates already (but hold the marriage, please). It'll be interesting to see, maybe ten years down the line, if any of what she said was really true. It could all just mean I'm gonna buy a car with a model name that starts with "A", live in a place where olive trees are indigenous and my next door neighbors are a nice lesbian couple who marry other couples in their backyard. With psychics, you pays your money and you takes your chances. Or, in this case, A pays her money and our futures takes their chances. Unfortunately, I forgot to ask if my beloved Colorado Avalanche will win a Stanley Cup in the next few years. But hey, now I know where to go to get all the answers I could ever want, right?

"Easier" To Be

I don't usually post about celebrities because most of them are morons, but I couldn't help but be struck by how...well, stupid Gwyneth Paltrow is. It almost boggles the mind how entitled and pretentious she is. Last week she announced a "conscious uncoupling" from her husband of a decade ("Free at last!", huh Chris Martin?), rather than just calling it what it actually is - a separation that will likely be followed up by a divorce. It was almost as if she didn't want to use those words because in her mind divorce equals failure, but that doesn't have to be the case. If you truly did work at it and you're simply not compatible anymore, then it is what it is and it's best to move on. Nothing embarrassing or wrong with that. Of course, she'd already annoyed most of the population in prior years with her ridiculously expensive website, cookbooks and every now and then blog posts that seemed to piss people off just because she wrote them. At the same time, she tried to appeal to us common folk by talking about being a working mom, just like anyone else. But this week, the "ordinary" working mom outraged every other working mom on the planet by claiming those who work nine to fives have it "so much easier" than her. According to GP, who has never held down a nine to five in her life and has never needed to really work for anything in life thanks to famous parents, her life as a working mom is soooo much more difficult because sometimes she has to work fourteen hour days in exotic locations that take her away from her kids. Thus, the common folk have it easier because they all (apparently) have regular nine to fives and don't work long hours and can be with their kids in the mornings and the evenings. Huh.
As the son of a working mother, and now a working parent myself, I have a couple few things to say about GP's assessment. First of all, I saw how hard my mom worked when we were kids and I know how lucky we were that she did because we had a fantastic childhood. And I now know exactly what she had to go through in order to make our childhood so great. I don't have a typical nine to five, which has it's upside but also can have drawbacks on occasion. I often work more than an eight hour day, and I will be traveling a lot the next six months. My work life has changed dramatically over the past year, as I used to work mostly from home. There were fewer challenges in raising a toddler back then because I was more readily available and made my own schedule. That was easy-ish (as easy-ish as raising a kid can be, anyway). But most people do not have that privilege. Most people do have to go out and work a set schedule that entails getting up with the sun and not getting home until the sun has gone down. How on earth does someone say that kind of schedule, one in which many people don't get to spend much time during the week with their children, is "easier" than one where they get paid millions of dollars to do what they love and jet off to exotic locations to do it? She makes more in one day on a movie set than most people make in a lifetime. Not to mention, she gets to choose when she will even sign on to work on a film or a TV show, she's not tied to a job she hates indefinitely, and she doesn't have to cling to that job because she needs it to pay the bills. She has endorsements and many other forms of income, she doesn't have to work at all. I assume the only reason she does is because she loves the work and if that's the case, quit bitching about being able to do something you love for a living. So you're away from your kids for a few weeks here or there and you work long hours. As long as you're a wonderful parent in the time you do spend with them, and as long as the time with them outweighs the time away from them, all should be well. I absolutely love my job, including the travel. I know the next six months will be full of looooong days and time away from Miss N, but I also realize how fortunate I am for the opportunities I have. I love the work too and a caveat of that is sometimes it will take me away from home. But Miss N can come with me on occasion. And I never do anything that keeps me away from her for too long. If given the choice, I'm sure many would trade places with an actress who makes a million dollars for just showing up rather than working behind a desk for eight or ten or twelve hours for minimum wage or less. That right there tells you who has it "easier".
I've never had much of an opinion on GP. I haven't seen many of her movies and I don't typically read anything about her. But she's always come off as having absolutely no personality at all. There's no real emotion from her about anything, she's just...there. And I really can't respect anyone who named their child after a fruit anyway. You'd think growing up amidst all that money and privilege would have allowed her to buy herself a personality at some point. She acts like she's the first actress to balance work and kids, or the first person to create a life and home website. I genuinely think she believes we're all able to go out and spend a hundred bucks on fancy ingredients to cook the same meals as her, or splurge on $500 clothing from her online store. I feel like when you come from that fortunate of a background, you should realize how lucky you are and have a deeper understanding of those less fortunate. Look at Angelina Jolie, who uses her fame to help people and balances six kids, humanitarian efforts and work just fine. She grew up in the same sort of privilege as GP, yet made an effort to see the struggles of those less fortunate and actively tries to help them. Quite the contrast.

#FirstWorldManwhoreProblems

Y: *sigh* I broke the straw trying to get it into the Capri Sun #FirstWorldProblems
G: My bagel didn't come already cut #FirstWorldProblems
E: I didn't get a bagel because I was too lazy to count my change #FirstWorldProblems
R: You didn't have enough change because I took it to put gas in a car I don't have #FirstWorldProblems
Me: The hooker left the Canadian monies on the dresser and took my good kidney anyway #ManwhoreProblems
Y: LMAO
A: OMG YES!! LOL
G: LMAO! This needs to be a trending hashtag right now
R: The hooker lied and was actually younger than you #ManwhoreHorrors
E: The hooker was Canadian #ManwhoreHorrors
Y: No, the hooker was Irish #ManwhoreHorrors #MoHoneysMoProblemz
A: The hooker took your kidney AND your tamales #MexicanManwhoreHorrors
Me: ...That would be true horror
G: The hooker didn't take your uh money because she's Canadian and knows they don't like uh let hookers have money
Me: LMAO. Okay, rainman
Y: LOL Oh honey...
A: lol What??
G: lol Everyone else took the good manwhore problems.
Me: Oh, G. You married too young. One never runs out of good manwhore problems.
E: Here Here!

Salt 'N Pepa's Here And We're In Effect, Want You To Push It

This choice for song o' the week was prompted by this conversation, had over lunch in a crowded-ish restaurant.

*"Push It" comes on the PA system*
Me: I think it's ridiculous they don't perform some of their better songs anymore.
G: Well, Salt found Jesus.
Me: So? They don't have to relate it to sex. They could push something else.
Y: Like a shopping cart.
G: Salt 'n Pepa's here and we're in effect, push that Target cart, yep
R: Could be pushing out a kid. Jesus is probably okay with that.
Y: I'm so disappointed I didn't choose to have that idea as a part of Miss L's birth.
E: Could be pushing a broom across the floor of a factory.
Me: See? Many more options. Sub one in and sing the damn song.
Y: What about "Shoop" though? How do they make that Jesus friendly?
G: Perhaps something like...Brother wanna thank your heavenly father for a crucifix like that
Me: YES. We shall rewrite all of their songs into Jesus friendly versions. Like Weird Al. Only for Jesus.

Into The Blue

It's now been eighteen days since Malaysia flight 370 went missing en route to China. For much of those eighteen days, the families of those on the missing flight have been in hotel rooms in Malaysia awaiting news on just what happened to their loved ones. I feel like not knowing what happened to your loved one, if they're kidnapped and never found or, in this case, on a plane that disappears, has to be worse than knowing they're dead. Because you have no closure, really. You don't know what happened to that person or where they ended up, whether they're alive or dead. There have been reports that the families were hoping it was a hijacking of some sort and that their loved ones were still alive, but I don't know that I'd wish for that in their situation. You have to figure that if it were hijacked and they were on an island somewhere with those responsible, they wouldn't be treated very well. And there wouldn't be a lot of reasons for the hijackers to keep 239 people alive. I would just want the plane to be found at all, even if there are no bodies recovered (and there likely wouldn't be now). I would want to know for sure that this person died in a plane crash. It's awful, yes, but knowing they are gone is better than trying to move on without any clue at all as to what happened.
All of that said, Malaysia Airlines, and Malaysia as a country, has handled this situation extremely poorly. Everyday there's been "new" information that's leaked out or been released "accidentally" and inevitably it gets people's hopes up. And then they are let down when the info is retracted or proved false. First, the plane went down along its scheduled route, then it took a turn that was called intentional by some and unintentional by others. Then, it was hijacked. No, wait, it wasn't hijacked, it was a statement being made by the pilot over the politics of his country. And now, almost a month later, they are still no closer to an answer. No one knows what happened, no one can say for sure if it was a hijacking or a statement or a mechanical issue. Yet there is still information coming out about "probabilities" and "assumptions". That's not evidence. That's a hypothesis. And if I'm a family member waiting on word about what happened, I am not interested in hypotheses. Show me evidence. Show me why your logical conclusion is that it crashed and then explain to me why it took you nearly a month to figure out it likely crashed in the Indian Ocean. Explain to me why you wasted valuable time searching everywhere else and waiting way too long to involve other countries who had much more sophisticated equipment that would've made it somewhat easier to try and find a trace of the plane. Malaysia has kept those families on a string for the past eighteen days. And today they cut them loose in absolutely disgusting fashion. Malaysia Airlines sent a TEXT to the families saying that the plane crashed in the Indian Ocean and their loved ones are dead. Can you imagine?? Eighteen days waiting on news about your loved one and then with one text you're dismissed and told that's that. Who the fuck thinks that's the proper way to inform someone that a loved one is dead? That flight was full of mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, daughters, sons, grandchildren, husbands and wives. And those left behind deserve to be told in person what the conclusion of investigators is, as well as having the reasons for that conclusion explained to them. Having lost a loved one in tragic and unexpected way, I can tell you that you really don't hear much after the initial confirmation that the person is gone. You go numb and everything else that's said sounds as if it's being spoken in slow, blurred motion. But you still need to hear it. It's ridiculous that Malaysia thought this would be acceptable. In hindsight, they're saying they "tried" to reach the families in other ways but were unsuccessful and thus sent the mass text. I don't buy that. Those people have been on pins and needles waiting, all they had to do was gather them in one place and explain everything to them. Surely they all could've congregated within an hour's time. All the Malaysians would have had to do was keep the info close to the vest and make sure it didn't leak to the media before they told the families. Instead, they were cowards. They knew those families had a very negative opinion about them and didn't trust them. They just didn't have the balls to face them one last time before they shipped them off to Australia to sit around and wait some more. I just don't know wtf is wrong with some people. I hope the families can find a way to deal with this, whatever the outcome, in spite of how poorly they've been treated throughout.

When You Go Giving Your Heart, Make Sure They Deserve It, If They Haven't Earned It, Keep Searching, It's Worth It

We are now almost exactly a month away from Sir Elton's arrival and the kid still does not have a name. At least, not an official name. My mom calls him George (after her favorite Beatle), my cousins have a variety of names for him, and of course I call him Sir Elton (I'd be shocked if the kid didn't grow up and become a showman of some sort). But the sister-in-law's pregnancy hormones are making it damn near impossible for her to settle on one name. Not that I can blame her. Naming a baby is a daunting and somewhat stressful task. People forget the kid has to go through their entire life with this name and choose either stupid or cutesy names (here's looking at you, Apple). Kids are gonna have enough problems as they grow up without having to introduce themselves by some ridiculous name.
Within in the next few months, my nieces, nephews and Miss N will range in age from newborn to FIFTEEN. I remember when every single one of them were born and it's crazy to think that the oldest will be 18 in just a few more years. And then there's my "teenager", now in her early twenties and a year away from graduating from college. Fortunately, she and I have maintained an awesome relationship even though we no longer live under the same roof. I honestly feel like I have two kids; one in college and one about to start grade school, which is probably why I'd be okay if I didn't have anymore youngins. I heard this song the other night and it reminded me of all the little, and not so little, ones in my life.

If I Could Turn Back Time, If I Could Find A Way

The sibs and I spent the day with our mother figure for her birthday. This was the dinner conversation.

Mom: I'm just saying, I don't know why you don't take a wife already. You're going to be 33.

Me: It's not like I can just go down to the market and pick out a wife, ma.

Brother: Why don't you go out and take a husband?

Mom: Nobody needs a husband. 

Me: Well, that's how most of the women I date feel, so you just answered your own question.

Mom: Miss N would love a sibling...

Me: Nobody needs a sibling.

Mom: Then at least get her a dog.

Me: Will you get off my back if I do?

Mom: Temporarily.

Me: You know, 33 and single doesn't exactly make me a spinster. The median age for marriage increases every year.

Mom: So does the divorce rate.

Me: So...You want me to take a wife Ben though there's a 50% chance it won't last anyway?

Mom: Yes. Because I'm sure you'll choose the right person and it will last.

Brother: Um...he hasn't so far.

Mom: What about [G]? Or [A]? 

Me: What about them?

Mom: They were both great for you. And your kids would've been gorgeous.

Me: ...Is there a point to this?

Brother: Yes. Get in the DeLoreon and go marry one of them to make her happy.

Mom: Well if you loved me, you would!

Imaginary Indignance

BP resurfaced again...*sigh* You know how when something ends, you eventually get to a point where you start thinking about all of the good things that happened? You try and put aside the bad and remember the good, if only briefly. I never had that after we split really, but I did get a bout of it yesterday afternoon. It's not because I want her back (god NO), but more just remember the good times and wondering where it went wrong. There weren't many good times but one of them crossed my mind. But fortunately, it seems to have been just a 24 hour strain of that particular virus. And I've realized that's what the whole thing was, really - a virus. It was never love. Love is patient and kind and a safe place. She was never a safe place for me. And it was almost as if just when I started to believe she would be, just when I would start to really let her in, she'd say something mean or just plain ridiculous and it would remind me to pull back on the reins. And especially post-autism comment. That gave me a glimpse into what kind of person I was dealing with and I really should've never spoken to her again. But I felt sorry for her. There was always one hook or another that she had to pull me back into the fold; she didn't feel well, she was having family problems, she was dealing with something at work. Always mighty timely, those issues of hers. I always found that odd, until I wised up to the fact that most of them (all except the family issues, I'm sure) were lies.
So what does one do for an encore after all the shit that went down last week? This:

"You spewed poison and took ANYTHING and EVERYTHING one could hurt me with and in one swoop knocked me out. The words you spoke ring in my ear and I still am not over it. I never will be....you intentionally hurt me in a way no one ever has. Despite you hating me I will not return evil with evil so I do wish you well and wish only good things for you."

That was in an email sent today. I'm not sure why someone who nearly got us both into serious trouble with her "drunken" rant would even read my blog but okay. Obviously, I don't deny having written those things and I don't feel any need to. The purpose of blogs is for people to express themselves and write things from their point of view. I didn't write anything untrue. I didn't over-dramatize anything. Did I post too quickly after the events in question? Possibly. But I went back and re-read everything in the days after and there's nothing I would change. Sounds like somebody needs to Google the meaning of the word "intentionally" because she clearly doesn't grasp just what that means. If I said that shit TO you, that is intentional meanness, and she should know the difference since she never had any trouble being that way towards me. And it's funny actually because I never once heard her say that she'd never hurt me. Not ONCE the entire time. I told her on a handful of occasions that I wouldn't intentionally hurt her and I remained true to my word. I still do. What I wrote was a vent, written from my P.O.V. on the situation that had taken place. Having sat there for a half hour listening to her trying to intentionally run me around in circles mentally, having waited six-ish months for a moment of her time or attention that wasn't focused on berating or insulting me...it was too much. You wanna talk about being "knocked out"? Talk to me about the shit you so effortlessly did, and continued to do even when I begged you to stop. I'm not going to have any negativity on my conscience from this shit, I was the only one trying to save it. And really, the only reason she did read any of it was because of her narcissism. Seriously, who the hell would go to somebody's blog, a place where they know damn well the other person vents, and read anything after the way things ended last week? You know that what's written about you, if anything, is going to be negative. You KNOW that. But you still read it. That's on her, not on me. I didn't do anything wrong here. Honestly, I don't think she cared for months prior to our demise whether it ended or not. All she cared about was how she was perceived when it did finally end. She actually asked me, some months prior to the actual split and before things got really nasty, if I hated her. No plea to not leave, no asking what was the final straw. Just, "please don't hate me". At the time, I thought it was odd. In hindsight, it was par for the course. But, as a friend advised me, let her have her extremely skewed view of everything. She was only ever concerned about herself anyway, self-preservation about all should be her motto, why should that change now?
My reply to her message was simple:

"First of all, yes you did say some really terrible shit. You used my damn memory issues against me and that is extremely low to do to someone. And I didn't "intentionally" hurt anybody, I don't do that shit. I didn't even speak ANY of those words to you, if I had, then maybe you could say I intentionally hurt you. It's quite ironic that you use the word "evil" given the shit you've said to me in the past and the way you used shit against me. You threatened me often about your "letter" that was drafted or with this or that. You kept score down to the last tiny point. I did not. And actually, I don't hate you. Hate requires passion and I'm not going to misplace and waste my passion on you. I don't even want your well wishes. This shit was TOXIC."

I took into account the fact that she over-dramatizes shit as if she's gunning to be an Oscar-worthy actress. She had a birthday and a wedding to attend to over the weekend so I highly, highly doubt she was all that affected by what I said. It's all more manipulation. Someone who is genuinely affected by the words of others doesn't go out and party mere hours after those words are said, something she often did. One minute she claims she's "devastated" by something I say, the next minute she's out on the town with her friends. And the recovery time was even quicker after she'd berated me for an hour. But I meant what I said, that I don't hate her. I've always believed grudges and hate are a waste of time and energy. Not to mention, hate evolves from love and there was never love here. I don't even have it in me to hate her. I'd rather devote myself to the good things in life. Not the evil.

Made The Block, Sat And Thought There's More I Need...But It's Always Back To You

This is the song I was originally going to post that reminded me of the BP debacle. This was me in that relationship. Every single time she lashed out at me or was just mean to me for no reason, every time she got angry and screamed at me...just tore me completely down. I was "shattered" for a good half of that relationship. But I always went back. In the beginning, it was because she manipulated me into it by saying I was "just like everyone else" in her life who had left her; her birth father, her step-father and every man she'd ever dated. But once I opened my eyes to the fact that it was just a manipulation, she began to run out of ways to keep me on the line. Towards the end of our relationship, when she was trying to convince me to stick it out, I remember her saying something along the lines of how she'd never been in a really serious relationship. Never been close to marriage or kids. And it made me think. There's a reason for that. Most people by the age of 36 have been close to at least one of those things at some point. Especially a serious relationship. Her "longest" relationship was with an ex who she basically dated in between her time working on the road. She was gone MUCH more than she was home and they were on and off most of the time. She says it was a seven year relationship, and it was, but it was not the type that she liked to pretend it was. The seven year figure made her feel better about it, I guess. But really, it was just an on/off thing that continued for a long stretch of time. It was convenient for her to have someone waiting during the times she didn't have to work. And I think that's also what I became to her in the end because that's how she honestly thinks relationships should work. She thinks she should be able to go out and work and play and neglect something for weeks or months and yet it will still be there when she decides to pick it up again. I'd say she should get a puppy but she doesn't like animals (shoulda been a red flag for me) and frankly, no living thing deserves to be treated the way she treated me.

You Sent Me Sailing Into The Rocks, Lonely Little Queen Of Knots, You Must Be Lost

The irony. I heard a song early last week that reminded me of the BP debacle and I had already drafted the blog and scheduled it to post this Friday (it will still post, I've decided). But this song fits even better. Perfectly, in fact. Especially after the series of events the last month or so. BP has been resurfacing off and on ever since we split, just over a year ago. Sometimes it's a text, sometimes it's an email. Every time there is a declaration of love or how we're "meant to be". But the moment I don't reciprocate whatever it is she tells me, she goes off the rails and ends up saying nasty things to me. Her true colors show when she doesn't get what she wants. I usually just blocked it out, but didn't ever block her number because I felt sorry for her. Not no more. I've realized she's just fucking damaged, too damaged for me to deal with.
First, some background. She began contacting me around the holidays, saying she was sorry for taking me for granted and being mean. I didn't buy into it and kept our contact sporadic. She amped up her efforts in the new year, sending texts a few times a week and even calling on one occasion. All the while, telling me she knew I was probably seeing other people but still wanted to try and "fix us". I made it clear that was highly unlikely, but she continued pursuing me. Last month, she began to change into yet another personality. She was mean and rude and when I asked why she was continuing to contact me, she got upset. She wanted to reconcile and told me we should hang out but I scoffed at that and refused. I thought I'd made it clear that what she wanted was not going to happen when she baited me by saying she had an editing project for a big-ish client and wanted me to do it. I thought about it for awhile and agreed to talk about it, but ONLY about the project, not about us. This was on like a Saturday. She said she'd call me before she left on Thursday for a friend's wedding on an island somewhere. Why I believed that, I don't know. In typical her fashion, the call never came. I asked everyday when we were going to hammer things out because I needed to contact other people about other projects too, but I got the same BS she used to tell me when we were an "us" - "I'm really busy today". Thursday rolled around and I decided to forget the whole thing and told her as much, but she continued to say that the project was a go and she'd leave me a message with the details. Her plane departed and I heard nothing for a day and half before finally getting an email from her work account. But all it said was that she'd had a long trip, had no cell service but did occasionally have wifi and that she still loved me (this on V-Day). Nothing about work. I replied that I was glad she landed safely and said if she had the details about the project with her, she could just email them to me before weekend's end. I heard absolutely nothing for five days. On Wednesday, I figured she had to be home by then and texted asking what was up. The response was almost comical. She said that since I hadn't reciprocated her "I love you", she assumed I didn't want the project and so she didn't attempt to send me any details. She also claimed she actually had lost access to wifi after she emailed me, but her FB is public in parts and I went to check that to see if she was telling the truth. She wasn't. She'd posted pictures all weekend long of her looking happy as a clam while partying it up on the beach with her friends. I didn't tell her I knew any of this, I simply backed off and moved on. But like the villain in any good horror movie, she wasn't done yet. She texted last week and said she was in L.A. for work (filming her sure-to-be ill-fated "reality show"). I said good for her and disengaged. She left a voicemail very late one night, claiming she wanted to know what was happening in my life and wanted to work things out. These same pleas continued via text over the next couple of days. Then, the big shocker came last week when she started talking about her birthday and how I wouldn't be there to celebrate it with her again. For some reason, probably because of her ego and love for attention, her birthday is this massive thing to her and it's unforgivable if someone she loves misses it or doesn't acknowledge it. I was flabbergasted as to how she could bring that up like things were all good between us, as if I remembered or even cared that her birthday was on the horizon (honestly, I don't remember what day it's on, all I know is it's this week sometime). I basically confirmed that I would not be around for her birthday and she retreated for another week.
Monday night BP broke her silence in major fashion. The mood amongst the friends and I has been quite festive since the news of E's remission and we've been hanging out together a bit more because of it. We all had dinner at my place last night and then went out to do some karaoke. And that's when I spotted BP walking into the joint. She looked awful, like she was in pajamas or something and she had obviously been drinking. My friends loathe BP and upon seeing her decided we should all head out before she noticed us. Too late. She was belligerent and started yelling at me about how I had "wasted" three years of her life (how I wasted the last year that I wasn't even a part of, I have no clue) and three of her "child bearing" years. She was always obsessed with those damn "child bearing" comments and thought she was some kind of freak for being 34/35/36 without a kid or a husband. It drove me nuts. I didn't say much through all of this so she continued on about how I'd fucked her over, about how she lost the chance at signing a new client (for reasons that had zero to do with me and everything to do with how she mismanages her own life and career), about how her family "hates" her. On and on and ON. We tried to walk away but she followed and I decided she was too sloppy drunk to get home herself so I got a cab and was taking her to her place. Miracle of miracles, she began to sober up rather quickly once we were in the cab and turned into her usual nasty self by berating me over more bullshit. She idled between crying and just being fucking mean and I started to bark back. Then, she went for the jugular and really said some AWFUL things to me and I broke down. I just can't physically handle her nastiness, it's always been that way. She seemed shocked that I was upset and asked what was wrong. I told her twice what the fuck was wrong but she still claimed she had no clue why I was in tears. This whole time she's got absolutely no emotion going on too, yet is trying to say that it "breaks" her heart to hear me that way, but you can't break a heart where one does not exist. I told her one last time, VERY clearly, why I was upset and it got quiet for a minute before she started berating again, this time saying I'd never told her why and that it was "weird" that I didn't remember having NOT told her. ... It was so fucking bizarre. I'd said it literally two minutes prior, and for the third time no less, and now she was claiming it had never happened. And she's so good at the manipulation that I started to seriously wonder if I was the fucking crazy one. She then told me if I remembered what I'd said, then I would say it again but since I refused (why continue to explain to the deaf), I hadn't said anything at all. I just...I was speechless. I've often felt that she used my memory issues against me in times of conflict but this was a whole new level of fucked up. We pulled up to her place and she had the goddamn nerve to tell me, "You probably won't hear from me again because it's really disturbing how you don't remember things. I'm really concerned.". WOW. I'm the one in a car with a fucking sociopath and YOU'RE "concerned"?? The best friend heard that last comment about my memory and went to clock BP but was stopped by G, thank god. Someone heard the altercation and called the cops and everyone ended up in the back of police cars, although no one was charged with anything. Just prior to the cops arrival, I told her I hated her, regretted ever knowing her and that I hoped she'd get the help she needed for her issues. And I genuinely hope she does.
I used to go back and forth between her just being mean by nature and actually having some sort of mental issue, but now I am sure the mental issue is a real thing. Competent, stable people don't deny something that happened two minutes prior. It's sad, really. She never had a chance at a life without dysfunction, she grew up in so much chaos. They say girls grow up to become their mothers and I never really understood why that was such a terrible thing until now. Most of the women I've dated have come from pretty good backgrounds and great parents (or a great parent). But BP...doesn't. One father abandoned her, the other refuses to acknowledge her as one of his kids and her mom is not quite all there from what I can tell. At worst, she's got something going on in her head too, at best she's emotionally and verbally abusive. And I always worried about that, both that she would become her mother and that my child (or any possible future kids) would be exposed to all that drama. As it turns out, I didn't have to wait long for her to turn into her mom since it began happening as we were coming to an end. She would say awful things to me and then half-assedly apologize and think everything was good - the same way her mom operates with her. I told her on one occasion that the way she acts towards me is the same way her mom treats her and the reply was, "Yeah" in an, "And your point is...?" kind of tone. She also used to tell me that it was "fine" her mom treated her the way she did because she always apologized afterward, even though there was always a "but..." attached to it (the EXACT way BP "apologized". Her mom would say she was sorry for saying awful things to her only daughter, but really it was her dad's fault because he "messed up" her brain. Lo and behold, when I asked BP why she didn't hear things as they were said and twisted them to fit her view of things, her answer was, "I know I do that and I don't know why. Maybe something's wrong with my brain". The similarities are eerie. Thank god I dodged that bullet. The stories she told me about her mom used to worry me and make me think how irrational her reactions to everything were and now I know that history will indeed repeat itself someday, and it's already beginning. I'm sure BP will find some other poor fucker to breed with and I really, really hope he's much more stable than she is and knows when to get out. I'm so thankful the BP chapter is over.

You blew through me like a hurricane
Got me twisted, oh, got me twisted
You promised blue sky but brought the rain
And I went missing, oh, I went missing

And while I was sleeping 
You robbed me blind
Drunk on your power
The sweet turned sour

You sent me sailing into the rocks
My queen of knots
Your heart's a jungle, a bar-fight 
Lonely little queen of knots
You must be lost

You charm the desperate, and you bought your friends
They hang like targets, such easy targets
Never seen aim so steady, no, I never seen a mind so bent 
You pull the trigger, you're cold like winter

And the spell I was under
Oh, your see-through skin
Was drunk on your power
I turned you louder

And I won't be there when the luck runs out
Yeah, I won't be there when the word gets round
Cuz you're someone else's baby
You're someone else's crazy now

While I was sleeping
You robbed me blind
I was drunk on your powers
The sweet turned sour

Who Do You Think You Are?

E: I just saw an ecard that says everyone has that one friend who only goes by a nickname and when you say their actual name, it just sounds wrong.

Y: Guilty.

G: Yeah but none of us go by our human names very much.

R: Tru dat

G: The other day [a client] told me she was playing phone tag with E and I was like, "who the hell is that?".

Me: lol I'd probably do the same

G: It must suck to not have a nickname. Or to have a name too short that you can't really make a nickname out of it.

Y: Those are usually five letter or less names.

A: Ahem, my name has five letters and a nickname came of it.

Y: I said usually.

Me: My name has five letters too

Y: LOL. Aw honey...

A: Your name has six letters, love. And aren't you just extra pretty today lol

Me: LOL. Oh. Right. 

E: My name legit has five letters but my nicknames don't really come from it.

R: My name has...seven letters.

G: OMG, mine too!!

Y: lol Mine has more letters than all y'all's names combined

Me: Your name also has some unpronounceable symbols.

G: Pssh, hieroglyphics and shit.

A: LOL. Your name could be the second half of a title of an Indiana Jones movie. Like Indiana Jones and The Lost [Y's human name].

Y: LMAO YES. That needs to happen. 

G: [Writes out all of our human names]

A: That looks...odd

E: WORD

R: Huh

Y: Bizarro

Me: Who the hell is that?

G: lol I don't know but I bet they have fantastic conversations about absolutely nothing important all the time.

Lez Be Honest

G: You remember that chick from Friday?
Me: Si
G: She's a lesbian.
Me: How do you know that? And why does it matter?
G: The Missus befriended her apparently. She said she's a lesbian but has been in relationships with women and men in the past. Which sounds more like bi to me.
Me: Huh. And this matters why?
G: Don't you get it?? You almost turned a homosexual!
Me: LOL. I hope you introduced this segment of our lives in your Croc hunter accent
G: LOL Yessssssss. This week on NatGeo, watch as our male heterosexual stalks the elusive and rare female bi-sexual and turns her into a heterosexual. Fascinating.
Me: lol You know...we really should find better ways to occupy our time.
G: Hell no, we shouldn't. This is awesome. Besides, it's the Lord's day.
Me: LOL So, of course, we should be making jokes about lesbians.
G: lol Yes. Yes we should. It has a NatGeo branding on it now. It's educational.
Me: lol And how.

Beauty In The World

This will be a cheesy "I heart parenthood" post so if you're not into that, move along. I spent the entire day with Miss N and Miss L, something I haven't done for awhile. It boggles the mind that they are soon to be 6 and 4. And those are pretty awesome ages. They're (extremely) talkative and imaginative. They're learning more and more everyday. They still think I'm cool. What's not to love about they're ages right now? About mid-day, I remembered a convo I had with a friend waaaaaaay back when about love. She had the word "love" tattooed on her person and I asked what the significance of it was (I'm a sucker for tattoos with meaning behind them, no matter how simple or ridiculous the art is). The answer was simple: Because love is all you need, it's the only thing worth fighting for and it's what the world needs more of. By her assessment, if you lead with love then the world is kinder for all involved. And that's a beautiful view to take. And I thought of it when I did because there were some pretty perfect moments today with the little ones. Miss N and Miss L are at the ages where they've experienced a pretty good range of emotions but the prevailing emotion they are met with and put out is love. Someday they will get their hearts broken. Someday they will be blind with fiery rage about something. But for now, it's all love. And it's incredible to experience that through their little eyes. They are absolutely perfect right now. And on days like this, I am reminded of all the things I love about parenthood. If you are a parent, you know what kinda days I'm talking about. They are the days when the BS and pointless stuff just take a backseat. The days when you just chill and take in the little personalities your kids are full of and marvel at how you were a part of bringing someone so amazing into the world. Like, how did that even happen? It's awesome. I love being a dad. It's a privilege, really. And one I'm aware not everyone gets, for one reason or another. I'm blessed to be a part of these girl's lives. They teach me more about love everyday (albeit more on the good days then the bad).
All that said, spending the day with two girls who have the ability to speak and never stop speaking (seriously, NEVER. I got a glimpse of the teenage years, my friends) wore this fool out and I'm is ready for bed. And if it's not the exhaustion talking then I must be crazy cuz I'd totally be up for having another girl someday...ok, it's not the exhaustion. It's the crazy.

REMISSION

(After seeing a bunch of missed calls and texts from the inner circle)

Me: What's going on? Are you ok?

E: The category is "Remission".

Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?

E: Well, partial remission. The cancer has reduced in size by a little over 50%.

Me: That's AWESOME!!!

And with that news, a so-so day got MUCH better. Dealing with E's illness has been trying for everybody, to say the least. In fact, he's probably handled it better than any of the rest of us. He's been such an optimist about it all, even when things were just terrible. And they did get pretty awful a couple of times. There's always still the potential that they get awful again in the future, which scares the hell out of all of us. But for now, we're all about the good news. The GREAT news. I still kinda can't believe it...

Love Is All Around, Indeed

G: What about the blue one? Yes? No?

Me: Meh.

G: You're "meh" about blue? Why so glum, chum?

Me: Bad night.

G: Wanna talk about it?

Me: Nah.

G: Ok. Then it's my job to cheer you up.

Me: Good luck.

G: Who can turn the world on with her smile...

G: Who can take an ordinary day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile...

G: Well it's you gurl and you should know it

G: With each glance and every little movement, you show it

G: *puts on he Mary wig and beret* LOVE IS ALL AROUND, NO NEED TO WASTE IT. YOU CAN HAVE A TOWN, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT

G: YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT AFTER ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Me: LMAO. I was in the shower and heard my phone go off a million times. I thought it was an influx of texts from several people. Turns out it was an influx if texts from one idiot.

G: LOL. The mission was to make you laugh. I succeeded. End of story. 

Me: I'm embarrassed that you know that song...

G: I didn't say I got a laugh without doing things I'm not proud of.

And was it ever a much needed laugh. Thank you, Mr. T.

Got To Give It Up

*sigh*...So it's Ash Wednesday. And what remains of the Catholic in me is a tiny shame-filled man who gives something up every year in order to not be slapped from the great beyond by his uber-religious grandmother. But I also do it because it's not a terrible idea to go without something that's become a crutch. Usually, I have little trouble coming up with something to do without. There's always one thing or another I've been using too much. But this year...not so much. I've been giving up many of my vices the past four months or so anyway, to the point where I don't have another one to give up. I don't drink soda. I don't drink booze. I'm not hooked on anything food-wise. I considered going out and starting up my drug habit again, you know so I would have something to give up, but that seemed like an awful lot of work. So, Miss N (choosing all by herself what to give up for the first time) and I put our heads together and opted to give up candy. We've both been on kind of a candy tear since the holidays and it is just all going right to our hips (which is why I'm also running everyday for 40 straight days). In order to make it easier for Miss N to stick with forgoing candy, her mom is giving up the same thing. Here's hoping we all make it out of the 40 days alive, yo.

Love On The Rocks

One of my best friends and I got to talking the other night about types of people. We've known each other since we were five and we've traveled a very long, very winding road together. He made a comment about how he never would've imagined we'd be where we are at 33-ish years old. Over a decade ago, he was a total wild child who delved head first into women, drugs and drinking, and I was the one always in a stable relationship who wasn't much of a drinker. My, how times would soon change. He got sober, I got myself a whole host of problems, and we both drifted relationship to relationship, although his heart was always with his longtime on/off girlfriend. I don't know which one of us was more shocked when he decided to finally marry her a few years ago. It was so weird. He always thought I'd be the one to get domesticated first, and he never saw himself as a marriage and kids kinda guy. Which is why he thinks I may just be a little delayed in getting to be that kinda guy myself. The way he sees it, he never envisioned the life he has now for himself; wife, beautiful baby girl, house, etc. So maybe I'll find myself in a similar way a few years down the road. Maybe. But I really doubt it. I'm not the marriage and kids type. I mean, you have to get married to be the marriage and kids type and I'm not interested in that. I will spend my life with someone, hopefully have more kids, but I ain't walkin' down no aisles. After I relayed all of this, he posed a question: do I wish I were the marriage and kids type. I thought about it for a minute before deciding I couldn't really give a good answer. It's not in my nature to be that way, to the point where I can't even fathom what that life must be like. Nine to five job, wife, two kids and a dog waiting when you get home. That's the dream for some people but it doesn't really appeal to me. I'm too restless for all that. There's a reason this fella has "freedom" tattooed on his person, ya'll.
Whilst I have sorted out most of what I do and don't want for myself and Miss N in the future, the best friend's wants and needs are a bit murkier. She's starting to find some middle ground with her baby daddy's family, which is allowing her to delve head first into sorting out the rest of her personal life. Growing up, we both thought we get hitched, have the 2.5 kids and white picket fence and live happily ever after (not with each other, mind you). But only because that's what we thought people were supposed to do when they grew up. The funny thing about actually getting older is you realize the things you thought were important aren't really as important as you thought (got all that?). She tried the marriage thing, but it didn't quite go as planned and she's been on the fence about doing it all again. For awhile now she's had an on and off relationship with a guy who is basically perfect for her. Physically, he's not her type at all, she tends to go for the dark haired Latin dudes and this guy is blond, but in every other way he's exactly what she wants. Even better, he's exactly what she needs. The problem is that they seem to want different things. He wants to get married like yesterday and have a couple of kids. Since she isn't sure about marriage, they've been in a kind of standoff mode. He's not trying to rush her into a decision at all, but she still feels pressure because she knows he's ready to get hitched and she's not. Unfortunately, I don't have any great advice on the subject. I love the dude, but it's not wise for either of them to do something as big as get married when they're not both on the same page about it.
The only thing I really had to contribute to the conversation was a story from my college days (and btw, my reunion is this year so college stories may be aplenty in '14). An acquaintance of mine was set-up on a blind date with a dude from a religious fraternity. She was also very religious and they hit it off and dated for two and half years. Once they hit that mark, she began to bring up the idea of marriage on an almost daily basis. She was 22, he was 23 and not in the mood to talk about it. Ever. He wanted to get married, but the thought of it being so soon freaked him out. For the next two months, they went from happily dating to constantly sparring about the subject. We all thought they were going to break up over it. But then they stopped talking about it altogether after he told her that he'd propose once he'd dealt with his issues about it, and guaranteed her it would happen before they graduated college. Three months later, he proposed. Four months after that, they got married. Shortly thereafter came two kids under the age of 2, grad school and work. All of that happening at once was too much for them and they started fighting constantly. It got so ugly that he said he never should've proposed when he did, that he should've waited until after grad school like he originally wanted to. She moved out and took the kids, but he convinced her that it would be wrong for them to split up because it was against their religious beliefs. She bought that and came back and gave up grad school, which was something she'd always wanted to do, to be a stay-at-home mother. He got to continue on in grad school and is now working part-time. From what I hear, things are not good between them but neither will pull the trigger on getting out. The moral of the story being that things would probably be very different between them if they hadn't focused all of their energy on marriage when they did. If he'd told her about his plans to propose after they both got out of school, maybe she would've chilled out. If she hadn't constantly been on him about marriage, maybe he wouldn't have been so combative about it. But nobody spoke up and now it is what it is. Miscommunication can be everything sometimes. I just hope that the best friend and her dude can take a lesson from all this and not let the marriage thing destroy them. I don't think he'll try to rush her into anything, but I know he's a bit impatient about it all. If you're really in it for the long haul and you believe that person is "the one", then you should love them enough to give them time and space to decide what they want and need.

I'd Like To Thank The Academy

Me: It must have been cold there in my shaaaadowwwww
Y: Ew
A: Yuck
R: You hate that song, why are you singing it?
Me: There in my shadow, I bet it was colllllddddd
Y: Um...
Me: You were always there in my shaaaadowwww, where it was so cold
A: lol
Me: You were always in the shadows behind meeeeee
E: LOL What??
G: DID YOU EVER KNOW THAT I LOVE HEROESSSSSSSSS
Me: And Visa is everywhere I want to beeeee
Y: LMAO
G: I've never cared for American Eaaaaaaaglllllllleeeeee
Me: But I love some eggs with green chiliiiiiiiiiii
G: LMAO. Oh well done, my friend!
R: ...
Y: LOL Wow...nothing like a duet about...whatever that was about, in the morning.
A: LOL I love you jackasses
E: LOL Heroes...Visa...hatred of American Eagle...and chili. That pretty much sums you up, G.
Me: lol I didn't expect a duet when I started out. Sometimes things turn out better than expected.
G: lol Well, I've waited to use that line for years. But everyone here hates that song so I never had the chance.
A: Congratulations on achieving your lifelong dream!
G: I'd like to thank my mom and Oprah and the Mayan gods for continuing the world a few more years and the woman in the front row who grabbed my ass on the way up to the stage. Alright, Alright, Alright.
Me: LOL
Y: LOL This is a fantastic start to the day
A: Dude, Matthew McConaughey won an Oscar...just say that out loud and hear how wrong it sounds.
E: #TheEndIsHere