BP resurfaced again...*sigh* You know how when something ends, you eventually get to a point where you start thinking about all of the good things that happened? You try and put aside the bad and remember the good, if only briefly. I never had that after we split really, but I did get a bout of it yesterday afternoon. It's not because I want her back (god NO), but more just remember the good times and wondering where it went wrong. There weren't many good times but one of them crossed my mind. But fortunately, it seems to have been just a 24 hour strain of that particular virus. And I've realized that's what the whole thing was, really - a virus. It was never love. Love is patient and kind and a safe place. She was never a safe place for me. And it was almost as if just when I started to believe she would be, just when I would start to really let her in, she'd say something mean or just plain ridiculous and it would remind me to pull back on the reins. And especially post-autism comment. That gave me a glimpse into what kind of person I was dealing with and I really should've never spoken to her again. But I felt sorry for her. There was always one hook or another that she had to pull me back into the fold; she didn't feel well, she was having family problems, she was dealing with something at work. Always mighty timely, those issues of hers. I always found that odd, until I wised up to the fact that most of them (all except the family issues, I'm sure) were lies.
So what does one do for an encore after all the shit that went down last week? This:
"You spewed poison and took ANYTHING and EVERYTHING one could hurt me with and in one swoop knocked me out. The words you spoke ring in my ear and I still am not over it. I never will be....you intentionally hurt me in a way no one ever has. Despite you hating me I will not return evil with evil so I do wish you well and wish only good things for you."
That was in an email sent today. I'm not sure why someone who nearly got us both into serious trouble with her "drunken" rant would even read my blog but okay. Obviously, I don't deny having written those things and I don't feel any need to. The purpose of blogs is for people to express themselves and write things from their point of view. I didn't write anything untrue. I didn't over-dramatize anything. Did I post too quickly after the events in question? Possibly. But I went back and re-read everything in the days after and there's nothing I would change. Sounds like somebody needs to Google the meaning of the word "intentionally" because she clearly doesn't grasp just what that means. If I said that shit TO you, that is intentional meanness, and she should know the difference since she never had any trouble being that way towards me. And it's funny actually because I never once heard her say that she'd never hurt me. Not ONCE the entire time. I told her on a handful of occasions that I wouldn't intentionally hurt her and I remained true to my word. I still do. What I wrote was a vent, written from my P.O.V. on the situation that had taken place. Having sat there for a half hour listening to her trying to intentionally run me around in circles mentally, having waited six-ish months for a moment of her time or attention that wasn't focused on berating or insulting me...it was too much. You wanna talk about being "knocked out"? Talk to me about the shit you so effortlessly did, and continued to do even when I begged you to stop. I'm not going to have any negativity on my conscience from this shit, I was the only one trying to save it. And really, the only reason she did read any of it was because of her narcissism. Seriously, who the hell would go to somebody's blog, a place where they know damn well the other person vents, and read anything after the way things ended last week? You know that what's written about you, if anything, is going to be negative. You KNOW that. But you still read it. That's on her, not on me. I didn't do anything wrong here. Honestly, I don't think she cared for months prior to our demise whether it ended or not. All she cared about was how she was perceived when it did finally end. She actually asked me, some months prior to the actual split and before things got really nasty, if I hated her. No plea to not leave, no asking what was the final straw. Just, "please don't hate me". At the time, I thought it was odd. In hindsight, it was par for the course. But, as a friend advised me, let her have her extremely skewed view of everything. She was only ever concerned about herself anyway, self-preservation about all should be her motto, why should that change now?
My reply to her message was simple:
"First of all, yes you did say some really terrible shit. You used my damn memory issues against me and that is extremely low to do to someone. And I didn't "intentionally" hurt anybody, I don't do that shit. I didn't even speak ANY of those words to you, if I had, then maybe you could say I intentionally hurt you. It's quite ironic that you use the word "evil" given the shit you've said to me in the past and the way you used shit against me. You threatened me often about your "letter" that was drafted or with this or that. You kept score down to the last tiny point. I did not. And actually, I don't hate you. Hate requires passion and I'm not going to misplace and waste my passion on you. I don't even want your well wishes. This shit was TOXIC."
I took into account the fact that she over-dramatizes shit as if she's gunning to be an Oscar-worthy actress. She had a birthday and a wedding to attend to over the weekend so I highly, highly doubt she was all that affected by what I said. It's all more manipulation. Someone who is genuinely affected by the words of others doesn't go out and party mere hours after those words are said, something she often did. One minute she claims she's "devastated" by something I say, the next minute she's out on the town with her friends. And the recovery time was even quicker after she'd berated me for an hour. But I meant what I said, that I don't hate her. I've always believed grudges and hate are a waste of time and energy. Not to mention, hate evolves from love and there was never love here. I don't even have it in me to hate her. I'd rather devote myself to the good things in life. Not the evil.
