One of my best friends and I got to talking the other night about types of people. We've known each other since we were five and we've traveled a very long, very winding road together. He made a comment about how he never would've imagined we'd be where we are at 33-ish years old. Over a decade ago, he was a total wild child who delved head first into women, drugs and drinking, and I was the one always in a stable relationship who wasn't much of a drinker. My, how times would soon change. He got sober, I got myself a whole host of problems, and we both drifted relationship to relationship, although his heart was always with his longtime on/off girlfriend. I don't know which one of us was more shocked when he decided to finally marry her a few years ago. It was so weird. He always thought I'd be the one to get domesticated first, and he never saw himself as a marriage and kids kinda guy. Which is why he thinks I may just be a little delayed in getting to be that kinda guy myself. The way he sees it, he never envisioned the life he has now for himself; wife, beautiful baby girl, house, etc. So maybe I'll find myself in a similar way a few years down the road. Maybe. But I really doubt it. I'm not the marriage and kids type. I mean, you have to get married to be the marriage and kids type and I'm not interested in that. I will spend my life with someone, hopefully have more kids, but I ain't walkin' down no aisles. After I relayed all of this, he posed a question: do I wish I were the marriage and kids type. I thought about it for a minute before deciding I couldn't really give a good answer. It's not in my nature to be that way, to the point where I can't even fathom what that life must be like. Nine to five job, wife, two kids and a dog waiting when you get home. That's the dream for some people but it doesn't really appeal to me. I'm too restless for all that. There's a reason this fella has "freedom" tattooed on his person, ya'll.
Whilst I have sorted out most of what I do and don't want for myself and Miss N in the future, the best friend's wants and needs are a bit murkier. She's starting to find some middle ground with her baby daddy's family, which is allowing her to delve head first into sorting out the rest of her personal life. Growing up, we both thought we get hitched, have the 2.5 kids and white picket fence and live happily ever after (not with each other, mind you). But only because that's what we thought people were supposed to do when they grew up. The funny thing about actually getting older is you realize the things you thought were important aren't really as important as you thought (got all that?). She tried the marriage thing, but it didn't quite go as planned and she's been on the fence about doing it all again. For awhile now she's had an on and off relationship with a guy who is basically perfect for her. Physically, he's not her type at all, she tends to go for the dark haired Latin dudes and this guy is blond, but in every other way he's exactly what she wants. Even better, he's exactly what she needs. The problem is that they seem to want different things. He wants to get married like yesterday and have a couple of kids. Since she isn't sure about marriage, they've been in a kind of standoff mode. He's not trying to rush her into a decision at all, but she still feels pressure because she knows he's ready to get hitched and she's not. Unfortunately, I don't have any great advice on the subject. I love the dude, but it's not wise for either of them to do something as big as get married when they're not both on the same page about it.
The only thing I really had to contribute to the conversation was a story from my college days (and btw, my reunion is this year so college stories may be aplenty in '14). An acquaintance of mine was set-up on a blind date with a dude from a religious fraternity. She was also very religious and they hit it off and dated for two and half years. Once they hit that mark, she began to bring up the idea of marriage on an almost daily basis. She was 22, he was 23 and not in the mood to talk about it. Ever. He wanted to get married, but the thought of it being so soon freaked him out. For the next two months, they went from happily dating to constantly sparring about the subject. We all thought they were going to break up over it. But then they stopped talking about it altogether after he told her that he'd propose once he'd dealt with his issues about it, and guaranteed her it would happen before they graduated college. Three months later, he proposed. Four months after that, they got married. Shortly thereafter came two kids under the age of 2, grad school and work. All of that happening at once was too much for them and they started fighting constantly. It got so ugly that he said he never should've proposed when he did, that he should've waited until after grad school like he originally wanted to. She moved out and took the kids, but he convinced her that it would be wrong for them to split up because it was against their religious beliefs. She bought that and came back and gave up grad school, which was something she'd always wanted to do, to be a stay-at-home mother. He got to continue on in grad school and is now working part-time. From what I hear, things are not good between them but neither will pull the trigger on getting out. The moral of the story being that things would probably be very different between them if they hadn't focused all of their energy on marriage when they did. If he'd told her about his plans to propose after they both got out of school, maybe she would've chilled out. If she hadn't constantly been on him about marriage, maybe he wouldn't have been so combative about it. But nobody spoke up and now it is what it is. Miscommunication can be everything sometimes. I just hope that the best friend and her dude can take a lesson from all this and not let the marriage thing destroy them. I don't think he'll try to rush her into anything, but I know he's a bit impatient about it all. If you're really in it for the long haul and you believe that person is "the one", then you should love them enough to give them time and space to decide what they want and need.
