Once upon a time, there was a woman named...well, we won't name her but if you know me, you'll know who I'm referring to soon enough. And she was absolutely everything this boy could have ever hoped for. Gorgeous, smart, funny, creative and, in many instances, my voice of reason and my sanity all rolled up into one beautiful package. And I adored her. I was addicted to what we had and could see nothing beyond the perfection I'd found in her. Not that she was perfect to or for everyone, mind you. But she was perfect for and to me. She was the total package, and I was 100% head over heels and hooked. I'd have married this woman in a heartbeat if she'd wanted to marry me, and ya'll know how I feel about marriage. She was the only person I could see myself spending the next 50 or so years with. The only problem was she couldn't commit to the next 50 days, nevermind 5 decades. And that's the one thing that killed all that perfection and the little life we were building for ourselves. I played my part too, but our biggest battle was always against her need for freedom. I have the same need - try to cage me or corner me and I am over and out faster than you can imagine - but hers was different. She seemed to think the only way to live happily ever after was to be a housewife bogged down with a mess of kids, like her sister, who was miserable that she'd given up her dreams so easily. No matter how clear I made it that I was not interested in doing that to her, it never really sank in. That fear ran very deep and maybe it always will in some way (though I hope not in all areas of life as she'll be a mother in a few month's time).
I've found in the years since this relationship that only my first love ever had the kind of pull over me that this person did. She challenged me, she made me grow in so many ways and it was the last time I legit wanted to be a better man everyday so I was worthy of being with her. Past lovers had gotten on me about my use of substances and I either shrugged it off or ended the relationship altogether, rather than listen to them come at me. But the minute I had a slip up with her, she told me it was her or the habit and if I chose her, I'd better not even think of going back to my old ways again. And it worked, I dropped that damn habit like a...well, a bad habit and never looked back while we were together. I freaked about the possibility of having a teenager come to live with me and she eased my fears with one line and a wink, "There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be...it'll be easy". So much of our time together continues to have a positive impact on my life now and for that I am ridiculously thankful. But it's also been negative in the sense that she is the prototype for what I would love to have in a relationship; someone who can put up with me for the next 30 or so years, someone who doesn't want to marry me or yank my freedom away and someone who loves me without conditions. Not exactly the easiest combination to find. And clearly I haven't had any luck recently.
Last year, she and I found ourselves in the all to familiar position of hooking up every now and then. Our relationship had long followed this pattern and it was torturous for me because I'd hope she'd want to make a go of it and be let down almost every time...but that never stopped the hook ups (damn you, chemistry!). Just before the holidays arrived, we officially ended what was left of our relationship after some major stuff went down in her life. It was a lot more difficult than I thought it'd be to sever all ties, particularly the one where we go to each other for advice on really tough subjects. I'm blessed, I have several go to people in my life who continue to dish out advice even when I don't ever take it. But there was an understanding between her and I, almost like she was in my head sometimes and knew exactly what needed to be said. And I could sure use her now.
A few posts back, I wrote about having received some unexpected and unfortunate news over the weekend. To say I haven't been reeling from it ever since would be a lie. I had a million questions upon hearing it, but even now that most have been answered, I still find myself...I don't even know the word. Contemplative, maybe? I felt awful about some of the things going through my head the last few days, so yesterday I consulted a few friends to get an outsider's point of view. The people I went to for advice were quite helpful and straight to the point, which I always appreciate. But I've still found myself digesting the information and I don't know why. I'd assumed that once I got other points of view, I'd be able to reconcile my own and go from there. But I'm still on the fence about a lot of things. Admittedly, when I initially received this news, I didn't know what exactly it meant. I had to Google what was said and only after that did I realize what this person was telling me. It's dipped in and out of my mind since and I go back and forth about how I feel about it. It's not just this issue that's affecting my thinking, but it's a part of it. And the one person I'd love to pour my heart out to is unavailable.
