A few years ago, I was single and not in any hurry to get into anything serious. Agent W had just joined a few dating sites and recommended them to me and I decided to take the plunge. Almost immediately, I found the online dating scene to be quite interesting. I didn't have any expectations going in but soon learned how to weed out the people who were boring from the ones I liked. Apparently a lot of people don't even read the other person's profile, they just look at the pictures and then send their message. I got a fair amount of this, mostly in the form of women emailing to ask what my ethic background is because they couldn't quite place it. While that or, "Hey, you're hot" (or more commonly, 'your hot') may be enough for some people, that was never what caught my attention. If the profile and message were interesting, I'd respond. The results were mixed, to say the least. One chick seemed kinda nice, but then her replies to my message would be one line and not all that interesting. I was really digging another chick when she made a racially insensitive joke and that was the end of that. Hell, I even got a message from a dude a few times (my profile listed I was also open to new friendships), one of whom I'm still friends with today. The online dating world is hit or miss.
For all of the people who fell off or the messages that didn't intrigue me, there were a couple of women who stood out. The second message I got after signing up was from someone I ended up dating for about six months. Things fizzled for a number of reasons, but we've remained good friends ever since. That was a good experience. The next one would not be. You know that feeling you get when you just know something is gonna be trouble? Well, I got that with the person ya'll know as BP. She messaged me and we had a nice little exchange so I gave her my email address. We emailed back and forth and then I got involved with an ex and my communication fell off. Something told me to let it fall off, actually. She emailed a few more times but since I was otherwise engaged, I didn't respond. A few months went by and then she messaged me through the site again and we picked up where we'd left off, even though that little voice inside my head was saying, "Don't reply". We eventually hung out, the circumstances of which left a number of my friends telling me to run for the hills, and things progressed from there. Much of what followed was documented here at some point. Things were good for awhile but when they got bad, they got bad in a hurry and stayed that way for days. I remember the first fight we had, it was a minor argument but she went right for the jugular and said something needlessly nasty. It gave me pause and, again, something was telling me to bail. But I already cared about her too much and that made it difficult to leave. And at the time, it wasn't all bad. She was genuinely apologetic when she went off and made an effort to patch things up as quickly as possible. But then after an incident later that year where she said something awful and I took her back, everything changed in a very subtle way. She manipulated the situation in such a way that I didn't even realize it until later on. And my forgiving her for that seemed to make her think she had license to say whatever she wanted to me and treat me badly whenever the mood struck her. You don't know how many times I've wished I'd walked away after that incident and saved myself the drama that came later. I put up with so much BS from her that I'd never accept from anyone else and, as one good friend put it, she dulled my shine. There were numerous double standards and stupid arguments and flat out disrespect in the relationship. She was very childlike in how she viewed some things. She could ignore me for weeks, but then expect me to run to her when she hit a rough patch and needed support. At one point, she issued an ultimatum and somehow thought that avoiding me for the next few months would be the way to make me see the light and bend to her will. What it actually did was drive me further away and made me look at what had become of my personal life. I didn't like who I became during our time together. I was combative and quick to anger and I was uninterested in dealing with her drama, which made things even uglier when she finally did decide to grace me with her time. When I'd finally had enough, I tried to end things in a civil manner but she would have none of that. The extrication from each other's lives was as messy as it gets and for some reason I still cared about her for a minute even after it ended. But not in a way where I'd like to be friends or be in something with her again. It was more like I felt sorry that for all her complaining early on about how she never wanted her career to get in the way of a relationship again, it was that same career that proved pivotal in our undoing. It's unfortunate when someone finds a source of support and love but chooses to walk away from it in favor of a life that doesn't really make them happy.
I thought my association with BP would leave me an emotional mess but the last year of it was so awful that I'd emotionally shut down towards her months before it actually ended. I wrote a long-winded letter to her that I had no intention of sending, I took a trip and upon my return, I moved on. She's popped up now and again with some nonsense about how she still loves me but I know better than to fall into the trap again. Still, our time together is still affecting me in ways I didn't realize. At the beginning of the year, someone else I'd messaged with through a dating site dropped me a line and we got to talking and the conversation has been great. She's great. I think we're both cautiously optimistic about what comes next, but I know I'm more cautious at the moment. It's a fear about a lot of things and I know it's not fully rational. One bad egg shouldn't ruin the whole bunch. People get fucked over all the time and find a way to pick up and move forward, and I will, but I guess it's the idea of being so spectacularly screwed over that gives me pause. There are great people out there who can't even imagine doing half the ish she did, I know this because I've encountered them, and I just hate that the aftermath of her still has some kind of effect.
