If there's one thing BP knew how to do well, it was work. Actually, I can't be sure if she was good at her job or not, but she was certainly an expert in putting all her time and energy into it, forsaking all other parts of her life. I'm 99% sure she chalked our demise up to me not being able to "handle" her work schedule, despite me saying several times over that it had little to do with it. When we began, BP was unemployed and reeling from having lost the only real career she'd ever known. This did not bother me and it actually enabled us to build a relationship because she had a lot of time on her hands. It was during this time that BP told me her career had played a part in ending the only real significant romantic relationship in her life. She'd been with this guy, off and on, for seven years, beginning before she landed her last gig and ending just after the gig ended. For the majority of the relationship she was on the road constantly, only coming back specifically to see him on one occasion, when his father passed away. Other than that, he had to take or leave having a relationship when her work schedule permitted. And he happily took it, throwing himself into his own work when she was gone. Regardless of how little they spoke, and it was often very little, he still lined up and was ready and waiting for her whenever she beckoned him. By the time she was relieved of her work duties and into a depression about it, the spark was gone and they split up for good about six months before she and I began.
Hearing BP talk about how work ruled her world for so long gave me pause about our own relationship, and this was pretty early on. So much so that I felt the need to tell her right then that I had zero interest in being in anything where I was going to play second or third fiddle to someone's constant work schedule that had them here, there and everywhere all the time. She swore up and down that it wouldn't be an issue and that she wanted to get out of that previous line of work anyway. And I tried to believe it, But it wasn't long before things changed in a big, bad way. Having turned down a number of good paying gigs that she claimed didn't offer her what she thought she was worth, BP was forced to take a job with a friend's company, flying to different states every other weekend or so to sell a not very good product at trade shows. These trips took about four days each and she was unreachable for nearly all of that time, saying she had to work 15 hour days and then would crash right away when in realty, she was working 10 hour days and then going out with co-workers until very late at night. There were at least two times I had emergency situations and needed to speak to her and she was either unavailable or was mean to me and then proceeded to ignore my messages. When she got back from these shows, she'd sleep an entire day, be unreachable the day after that and then try to talk to me like no time had even passed and all was okay. I have to laugh now when I think back to how I accepted her apologies over and over again. Unbeknownst to me, it was about to get much worse.
Though she always denied it, I knew BP would likely eventually end up in her previous profession. It was all she knew and I knew that familiarity would take her back in that direction. After being passed over for a high paying promotions gig, she got antsy and amped up her efforts to find permanent employment. Around this time, we were walking on a rapidly fraying tightrope, both believing it was worth it to work to save the relationship. But we didn't talk a whole lot and nothing ever really got solved, it just festered. This annoyed me to no end because I'd rather talk ish out, fix it and move on. But her M.O. was to let it sit until I was practically begging for resolution. I think she did this solely because it was good for ego, which was always ridiculously big, but was cranked up another notch when she started working again. And soon she found a new job that took her ego even higher (which I didn't think was possible). She casually mentioned this chick who wanted to have a meeting and discuss BP managing her career. That was all I heard about it so I assumed it hadn't worked out and she never said otherwise, until two weeks later when she tells me she took the job, signed on the dotted line and was leaving to go work with this chick in L.A. This was at least a year into our being a thing and she always preached this BS about being "partners" and going through ish together and communicating, yet here she was giving zero fucks about any of that and doing whatever she wanted. It soon became apparent that this chick, and her supposed endless supply of cash, would always win out over our relationship and that's when I began to disengage. She became a different person the longer she worked with this chick, almost as if all of her bad qualities were being cranked up while the good ones were shoved aside. Her new employer was rude (to EVERYONE, including her own family) and had no patience for anyone who didn't kiss her ass and BP seemed to follow suit. Her go to excuse for everything now was, "I'm working/busy/under it right now" and every brief convo we did have ended with her saying she didn't know what we were doing anymore or what came next. As you know, I'm not one for ultimatums and I never issue them myself, but on this occasion I thought it appropriate and told her that unless something changed right then, I was going to see other people and that would probably spell the end of us. Her reply left much to be desired, she basically said she'd do the same thing, but continued to throw out her dribble about how much she "loved" me and didn't want to say goodbye. Yet she was giving me no reason to stay. I followed through with what I said I was going to do and began pulling myself away from the situation, she continued working non-stop and only reached out to me when the sky fell on her end and she needed support. It was the oddest thing. I could reach out to her for something and she'd be nasty and not really care, but she still expected me to come running when she needed me.
It wasn't until at least a few months later that I realized I don't know if BP understands what a healthy, mutually supportive and loving relationship is. She talks a good game about wanting to settle down and have kids and not end up some career woman in her 40's who pissed away all of that because she was too busy working. But that's exactly the trajectory she's on. For years, all I heard was jibberish about her "childbearing years" and how if I wasn't going to full on commit and put a ring on it, then she was wasting her time. Next month she'll be 37 and totally devoted to her work; no hobbies, no time for friends, no relationship to speak of. I'm sure she still blames me for "wasting" her prime years but it's not like I chained her to a radiator and forced her to stay. She knew from the gate how I felt about marriage and, at the time, that I was on the fence about kids but she charged ahead with the belief that she could change my views on so many things. I think the fact that her last main squeeze stayed and put up with all her crap and her ridiculous work schedule left her with the belief that that's how a relationship should be. You go and do what you want, I'll go and do what I want and if we happen to find ourselves as ships in the night, then cool. It should've been a red flag that she always flaunted how she flew back when his dad died as if it were some big, "look at how good I am when needed" kinda thing. Sometimes your significant other needs you for the little things, it shouldn't take a major event for you to be in the same place together. But I don't believe that she gets that. And that's sad but it is what it is. I couldn't change it because it's something she has to want to change and then follow through with actually changing, and follow through has always been a problem for her. I have no doubt that if I'd fallen in line, kept my mouth shut and played along with her version of the game that all that dysfunction would've continued for a lot longer. The whole thing was not great but I'm glad I got out when I did.
