Growing up, I didn't have a lot of role models for healthy romantic relationships. My mom has never been married and is quite content about it, and the same is true for two of my uncles. One of my aunts got out of an abusive marriage and never remarried, and the prodigal son uncle has been married seven times. One of my uncles is going on something like thirty years of marriage, but what I remember from my younger years about their relationship is how there was a disconnect between his wife and his daughter. They each brought a kid into the relationship, her son lived with them most of the time and his daughter was with her mom most of the time. He embraced her son and treated him as his own but she never really took in his daughter in the same way and the tension was pretty obvious when all were in the same room. Another aunt has been married for 33 years and they've bickered like an old married couple for about 31 of them. That's one of two examples of a good marriage that I grew up with. But the other one is by far my favorite.
My great grandparents were married for nearly 55 years. She had three kids from her first marriage, but it was difficult start for them because her ex was an abusive jackass who had taken the kids and filled their heads with lies about why their mother wasn't around. He claimed she didn't care about them anymore and did his best to poison the well, when the truth was that she was trying to get on her feet and be able to take care of them as a single parent, back when single parenthood wasn't the norm. Eventually, she accomplished this and got them back but the damage had already been done and would cause issues for years to come. A few years later, she met grandpa and was sure it wasn't going to last because of the kids and the ish that lingered between them. Gramps was ridiculous; funny, a hard worker, and had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known, or probably will ever know. He was what you'd call a catch. And it wasn't long before she reeled him in. He brought a kind of calm to the family drama she had going on and charmed the kids, almost grown at this time, to the point where he asked them if he could marry their mother before he proposed to her. His presence in her and kid's lives helped mend fences and our family probably wouldn't be the same without that. Instead of having this wonderful guy to grow up with and look up to, all we'd be able to say of our biological great grandfather is that he was a drunk and an abuser (though we do still owe him thanks for the alcoholic gene, I guess). The wedding was no-frills, but the relationship was magic. They watched grandkids, great grandkids and even a few great great grandkids grow up together. There were some tough losses too, two of her kids died and my grandfather, Gramps best friend from the time he entered the family, died young and suddenly. But they persevered. Grandma was a VERY strong personality and wasn't always the easiest woman to live with, but she was it for Gramps and he never left her side. She was about 7 years his senior so as they got older, he did most everything around the house while taking care of her. When she passed away, something in him just wasn't there anymore. I remember talking to him a few months after she was gone and this guy, then in his late-80's and still having trouble coping with the loss of the woman he loved, asked me, a youngin, if it ever gets easier once you lose someone you adore. I told him I didn't know because, at the time, I didn't and because I lost someone after less than a decade in each other's lives and couldn't fathom spending an entire lifetime with a person who suddenly wasn't there anymore. If he were around to ask that same question now, my answer would be quite different and quite simple, which is no, it never gets easier. It's never fully healed and they never leave your thoughts or your heart, but you gotta move on somehow. Unfortunately, Gramps had a very tough time moving on, not that he got much help in doing so from the bastard side of the family that appointed themselves his caretakers (they were after his estate). Grandma's death was the beginning of a long, slow decline in his own health that culminated in his decision to forgo any life-prolonging measures and go be with the woman he loved. And though he was 90 years old and had lived such a full life with tons of love both given and received, it did not make the loss any easier. I still miss him years later and keep a prayer card from his service in my wallet.
Ideally, we'd all end up in relationships that go the distance and truly last a lifetime. But realistically, it's hard to make something last that long. At a certain point, that drunken, falling in love feeling subsides and you see the person for who they are; all of their bad and annoying habits, all of their secrets, how they handle problems both big and small. Things settle and they end up in a rut if you're not careful about it. The trick isn't falling in love, though falling in that ridiculous I-can't-believe-my-luck fashion is rare, the trick is staying in love. And that's the thing I sometimes wonder if I'm capable of. Getting into relationships has never been a problem, women have always been and probably will always be my downfall. But staying and working at it every single day sounds exhausting. The other thing that worries me is how Miss N and her future step-mother would get along. I saw what happens when there's a disconnect between step-mother and daughter and I'd never get into a situation like that, no matter how I felt about the woman. Anyone I consider being with long term would have to fall for Miss N too, not just me. And MOC lucked out with Gio, who is just fantastic and adores our girl the way we do. What are the chances that kinda lightning strikes twice, you know? *sigh* I'll tell you this, I should be so lucky as to find someone who will put up with my dainty ass for 55 years.
