A Christmas Party Story

Last night my girlfriend and I went to a Christmas party for my mom's company. There was quite the eclectic group of people at this party. There were funny moments, great moments and more than a few awkward moments courtesy of a man studying to be a Reverend.
We got there on time and it's a good thing we did because the place filled up fast. Our table, set up to accommodate eight, ended up with around thirteen people at it for most of the night. But we had some great times and conversations at that table. One of my mom's co-workers brought his parents who have been married for fifty years. They married as teenagers (one was 18, the other 19) against major objection from their parents who said they would never last. But here they are, still happy and still very much in love. Someone at the table asked them why they'd made it this far and Mrs. Fifty Years said they, "laughed a lot and had a lot of fun and time flies when you're having fun." My girlfriend and I got to chat with them for almost an hour, just the four of us, and it was the greatest conversation.
Now, the awkward. The husband of one of my mom's co-workers is a man who holds three degrees in various subjects and is now studying to be a Reverend. His wife is a very nice lady, but he...he's not un-nice, if that's a word. He just likes to talk and he's very judgemental, no matter how long he's known you. (I also know that he's anti-Obama because he thinks he's not a legal U.S. citizen but thankfully politics did not come up last night.) Anyway, when he sat down he recounted a story my mom had told her co-worker about me and apparently he found this story to really be something because he came back to it several times during the night. Then, I don't know how we got on the subject of puzzles but someone at the table told him about my speed in putting them together and he thought that was the greatest thing ever. He then moved on to asking my girlfriend and I some questions; how long we've been together, when we intend to get married, etc. We answered the marriage thing with, "We're not sure," sensing that the real answer would only bring some sort of lecture. Then he said that it was great that my girlfriend had a man in her life because, "it's hard for women on their own," at which point I had to get her up and move to the dance floor so she wouldn't clock him. But we had to go back to the table eventually and as soon as we sat down he asked, "Would you like me to pray for you both to set a date for your wedding?" My reply was, "No thanks, we're good" and I think he got the message that we were over talking about our relationship (he didn't mention anything about our out of wedlock child, thank God). You'd think that'd be the end of it but no. He found a new subject - our lives outside of each other. As previously mentioned, he holds three degrees already and he asked about our educations. I have my college degree and my girlfriend has two. Apparently that isn't enough and they aren't in the "right fields". He said it's not too late for us to go back and get degrees that "actually matter" (Ours are all in creative fields). Again, we moved to the dance floor to cool off. Just as he started to ease his way into religion (that woulda a fun one), the dance competition I'd had no intention of entering started. I was intending to watch the competition rather than participate. However when they announced the prize was a $75 gift card to a place my girlfriend loves she turned to me and said, "You're gonna go win this," and off I went. I have no clue what the song they had us dancing to was but it seemed like some sort of grown-up version of the hokey pokey. It had all these commands of what you had to do. At one point the song said, "Now stop...Now everybody be smooth," and every single person on the floor stood completely still, unsure of just what "be smooth" meant. It was so funny. And that was where I pulled out the win, all because I was the only one who moved at that last command. My dance card filled up pretty fast after that one so I didn't have to return to the table and deal with the Reverend. Overall, it was a great night. And the start of what will be a busy week since my family is kicking off their whole thing on Sunday. Monday is my company party (I know, who has a party on a Monday but we all have the rest of the year off so the days just run together). I can't believe it's only five days til Christmas.
One thing I forgot, our teenager went with us to this thing and was sitting across from the Reverend. He asked her if she had a family of her own and she said no. Then he asked why she wasn't married yet (she's 18, for crying out loud) and her reply was, "because we're not Mormons." I was so proud.

A Turkey Day Story

Ah, turkey day...a day to do nothing but eat and watch/play football and be with the people you love. My family invites just about everyone they know to dinner every year so it's always a huge fun event. This year was my first Thanksgiving with my daughter. But my turkey day fun began a few days before the actual holiday. This is the first time in years that everyone in my family made it to the house on time for Thanksgiving. Usually there are some who don't get here until the morning of or way late the day before. So my aunt decided to take full advantage of the manpower and put up all of the Christmas stuff on Tuesday. In the midst of putting an ornament on the tree I stepped back and smacked into a child (not sure which one) and my momentum carried me backwards until I fell onto the couch and knocked my head on the windowsill. This caused a three inch gash in the back of my head and blood shot across the wall like someone had just taken a knife to their throat. (I know this because I never miss an episode of CSI and my family was nice enough to take pictures of the carnage for me). So my pre-turkey day fun was over as I went to the hospital and got about ten stitches to close the thing. I rode the couch the rest of the day and I supposedly have a "mild concussion" but I don't feel the effects of that at all at the moment. Wednesday went by without incident. Half the family was out doing last minute shopping (read: raiding every liquor store in the county) and the rest of us were at home doing prep work and blasting the 'Rhythm Nation' album (best album ever) on repeat. It was a lot of fun. The actual holiday started earlier than I would've liked but it worked out okay. Two of my nephews are learning how to skate because they're in little league hockey. They're adorable in all of their gear and one of them skates incredibly fast already that he's garnered the nickname 'lightning'. The other...well..let's just say hockey is definitely the sport for him. He's not overly violent or anything but he's looking to be the kind of player that gets under the skin of the other team(nickname: thunderbolt, because he likes to hit people into the boards). We were out playing with them and the boys were on skates and had their sticks and some of their gear on and I gently kicked the ball past him and asked what he should do if that happens in a game. He thought for about a second then he wound up and slashed the inside of my leg. I mean, this kid hit with some force, I still have the mark to prove it. It was so funny.
Thanksgiving always brings our "big game" of football around that gives the winners bragging rights until the next game we play that counts (Super Bowl). This year was my girlfriend's initiation into the whole thing and she was so excited (and so cocky) that we made a bet two weeks beforehand. It was a good game, a lot of back and forth and a close game. Then, as my team started to pull away in the second half, my brother decided he'd rather have revenge than try to come back. So he sent my girlfriend out there and almost as soon as the ball was snapped, she was in my face and then I was flung to the ground violently. She hit with some kinda force. My team won the game and I won the bet but I had to ice my knee and my back after her hit so I'm not sure we can say who won the war. Overall, it was a great day. And now the madness of Christmas begins. I can't wait.

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a toys r us kid...

Remember that song? It was damn catchy. And so true some days. Last weekend, I went to four different stores looking for advent calendars. You know, those little cardboard calendars that have 24 chocolates in them, one for each day leading up to Christmas. I've had one of those just about every year I've been alive. Even now, I think it's just a fun little tradition, although now a lot of the reason I do it is because my niece loves to call every day and exchange info on which chocolate we each got. It's like our little holiday thing. And it is my baby's first Christmas, which just excites me to no end.
Last night, most of my family was at the family home to get their marching orders for Thanksgiving. While waiting for this little meeting to begin, a bunch of my cousins and I were in the backyard just kinda hanging out. Someone picked up a soccer ball that was laying around and flung it at someone else, nailing them in the back. This brought retaliation from the injured party and thus began a rather large and increasingly violent game of dodge ball. I hadn't played that in years. It's such a weird game, I don't even really remember playing it all that much as a kid, except in gym class a few times. I mean, there really is no point to it. Anyone who has good aim is gonna be good at it. But there we were, a bunch of big kids in their 20's flinging soccer balls and volleyballs across the yard. It went on for maybe a half hour before the temperature dropped dramatically and we had to go inside.
It's amazing what you miss sometimes. And it's amazing how some things never change. It's not like my development is delayed or anything, but I don't see anything wrong with letting the kid in you come out every now and again. Anyone who knows me would tell you I'm a bit of a big kid, especially around the holidays. I can't even estimate how much time I spend with the kids every year around this time. Last year, there was a gigantic Nerf gun fight involving three generations. It was so much fun. This year, God knows what we'll get up to. But I can't wait to be swarmed by the munchkins next week and just not have to deal with anything "adult" for awhile.

Kids

Now that my family is finally coming to terms with the fact that I'm never getting married their focus has started to shift. Not annoyingly so (yet) but I must've been asked four times this week, "So...when are you gonna have more kids?". It's not really that big of a surprise to get such a question. And with the holidays coming up, we expect to get the same question more than a couple more times. It doesn't bother us. I mean, we just give a basic 'not anytime soon' answer and move on. The truth is that we have no freakin' clue about the whole kid thing. We adore our little girl and (occasionally) the teenager but we're not looking to have anymore anytime soon. Or, maybe, ever. It hasn't been decided yet. At this point, I can't believe how happy I am and how much I love my life. And everyone says, 'oh, well more kids will only make that better'. Fine...then you have more kids. I'm not looking for a change right now. It may not have happened the way we wanted but I can honestly say that I genuinely did want my girlfriend to be the mother of my child. And she is an amazing mother. Around the time we started "dating" again, I'd started to come to terms with the fact that maybe parenthood just wasn't meant for me. I love kids but maybe I wasn't supposed to have my own. And I was fine with that. Even now that I have a child, I can't say more are gonna happen for me and I don't get why some people don't understand that. I know the holidays are gonna bring more questions that we have no answer for. But it just doesn't really bother me like it used to. I used to get annoyed when I was asked at weddings when it was gonna be my turn. Heh, who knew all that I needed to do was state that it was never gonna happen to be left alone?

Game Changers

I've had quite a few life-altering experiences in 27-ish years. Some have been awesome and some have been horrible. I look at it as a sort of earthquake-esque scale. Every little foundation shaking thing is gonna change something, no matter how small. The big ones can change quite a lot. I'm currently in the midst of what could be a HUGE game changer that could alter the rest of my life. It's come as a shock, to say the very least, and I don't know that I've actually dealt with it. I've tried not to think about it since I got the news. So far, that's working for me. If things stay as they are, I won't have to deal with anything. But if I get the news I'm dreading...I've been thinking about how much would change. I don't know how likely it is that I will get bad news but obviously it's possible or they wouldn't have called. It's amazing how much you take for granted until you have to deal with a crisis or a mini-crisis.

One Giant Step Forward...And more than a few steps back

First, the unbelievably fantastic news. Barack Obama will be the first African-American President in the history of the United States. That is something I've been waiting a long time to say. I'm an Independent but I knew that the Republicans could not have another four years to further screw up the nation. Thankfully, John McCain pretty much rendered his campaign useless when he chose Sarah Palin, whom I believe he barely knew and may not even like all that much, as his running mate. Now, I'm not gonna bash either of them. I think McCain lost a lot of what people loved him for during this campaign. He began as the "maverick" (I sooooo hate that word and am thrilled to not have to hear it anymore) he billed himself as but was soon so enveloped in the same Republican party that brought us Bush, that he showed a completely different side of himself. And that side was not a good one. And, as a result, his reputation is...well, not what it was before he decided to run. I've always liked John McCain and I appreciate and respect all that he's gone through for his country. Blue or red, you have to admit that he does love America. During his very gracious concession speech last night, he showed why people respect him so much. What happens with his reputation now? Good question. Sarah Palin...what to say here. Again, I do not have anything against her. I don't think she's politically smart enough to run for a national office at the moment. I think she has a lot of learning to do and if she's open to it, she could be a force in the future. I do not agree with many of the things she wanted to do as v.p. but I'm sure this is not the last we'll hear from her. She's got the charisma to be a player in her party for a long time. It'll be interesting to see where her path goes from here, as well. Obama...still hasn't fully sunk in for me yet. I hope that the people who didn't vote for him or who helped in spreading lies about him during this campaign will eventually come to embrace him as our 44th President. There is a lot for him and the Obama Administration (doesn't that sound freakin' awesome?!) to deal with both in our country and around the world. Hope is the message he carried throughout his campaign and if you didn't feel that same sense of hope during his speech last night, something is wrong with you. Despite a decisive victory, there will always be critics and some will expect this change he's been preaching to happen overnight. We all know that is not going to happen with the mess we're in now. But I think this is a gigantic step for us as a nation and a step in the absolute right direction. Last night, I particularly enjoyed seeing that Obama had won Florida, a Southern state. I expected McCain to sweep the South. It was a nice surprise. I also liked watching all of the people lined up outside the White House in D.C. It was almost as if they were there to help Bush & Co. pack.
Now, the bad news. There were several measures on the ballot seeking to ban gay marriage or gay adoption. They all passed. In Arkansas, unmarried people and homosexuals are no longer allowed to adopt or foster children. Florida stripped unmarried couples of their rights and banned gay marriage. And, most disturbing of all, California voted to ban gay marriage, possibly rendering some 18,000 unions in the state no longer valid. As I've said, I have friends who married soon after it became legal and my heart just breaks for them. Even worse, this measure passed, at last count, 52% yes to 48% no. Just over half should not be enough to decide such an important issue. Now it will work its way through the court system. What makes me even sadder is that Pop 8 was blatant discrimination and yet some polls are showing that a large number of Hispanics and African-Americans voted in favor of it. I still don't understand how you can vote for discrimination when you've experienced it yourself. I could never do that.
So, as we move forward with the election of Obama, we take a few steps back by taking away basic rights from some of our fellow Americans. Hopefully, the discrimination against homosexuals and gay marriage will find some sort of solution in the future. No one should have to fear losing everything they have if something happens to their partner and they pass away. I'm excited about Obama and where he won and how he conducted himself throughout his campaign. And I'm hopeful that eventually everyone will be treated equally.

Wow

Just after eleven o'clock eastern standard time, the United States of America elected its first ever minority President. Just think about how crazy that is. Even now, almost two hours after his election, it still seems surreal to everyone at this particular election party. I'd be lying if I said I didn't tear up upon seeing the graphic announcing Barack Obama's victory. It's amazing how one night can change the world. More tomorrow, the celebration's getting a little outta hand here.

Election Day 2008

So tomorrow the world will change. It'll either be an actual change (Obama) or resigning ourselves to four more years of the same, except with the possibility that things might actually get worse (McCain, even scarier is Palin). And while the Presidential election is obviously number one on everyone's mind, there's a lot more to think about. In several states there are amendments or propositions on the ballot to ban gay marriage or take away the rights of unmarried couples or prohibit unmarried couples from adopting children. The one making the most waves is Proposition 8 in California that would make gay marriage illegal. I'm not a California voter but I have a number of friends who would be affected by this if it passes. I can't believe that such obvious discrimination could even make it on to the ballot. And when you're gay or a minority who has experienced discrimination in your own life, I don't understand how you can vote to make it legal to discriminate against others. I don't understand why the religious right are so threatened by homosexuals. Why should it be anybody else's business if you love someone and you want to marry them? Who cares if you're both the same sex? How does someone else's marriage and family life, no matter their sexual preference, affect your life? It doesn't. Some politicians make it sound like gay is a disease and if we don't ban all of these different things, it's gonna catch and our kids are gonna get it. I don't care if my children turn out to be gay. So long as they're happy, I'm happy. Then, there's amendment 2 in Florida that would ban marriage for gay couples and domestic partnership for all couples, essentially taking away the rights of straight couples who choose not to marry. I live in a state where domestic partnership is non-existent and it's a bit of a pain in the ass to cover all your bases, just in case anything happens to your partner. Act 1 in Arkansas seeks to ban all unmarried couples, gay or straight, from adopting or fostering children. It's main objective, of course, is to prevent gay couples from adopting. But I saw someone from the state's government on television the other night trying to justify why straight, single people or straight couples who don't want to marry are unfit to give children a home. He got taken to task by the host of the show, who is in the straight, non-married category, after he said to her face (well, via satellite) that she would be unfit to raise a child. He even went so far as to suggest that perhaps Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt should have their adopted children taken away because it can't possibly be a "good, wholesome family environment" for the kids if mom and dad aren't married.
All of this is like politicians and religious folks are trying to take us back to the 1950's. Back to when the television always showed homemaker mom and dad in a suit and tie and two or three perfect kids. It's never gonna be like that again. And what is this "traditional family unit" I keep hearing about anyway? It hasn't been that 50's scenario for a long time. I grew up in a house with my mom, siblings, grandma, aunt, uncle and cousins at one point. I couldn't name a house in the neighborhood that had that "tradition" thing going on. Even now, I don't know a lot of people who have that kind of household. But if a kid has two dads or two moms around that love him or her and support them and are always there for them, how is that a bad thing? I grew up without a father but with plenty of male role models and more love than any kid should ever have and I don't feel like I'm "damaged" (by that situation, anyway) or like I missed out on anything. There is no typical family. And there is no right or wrong color or sexual orientation or living situation or religion. We all have free will for a reason. If it's my choice to never get married, it doesn't affect anyone else (although Mom would disagree). If me and the non-official Mrs. want to adopt kids six years down the road, as long as we're fit parents it shouldn't matter if we're married or not. And if we choose to raise them as some kind of hybrids, in terms of religion that is, again, no one's business. I shudder to think about what freedoms might be taken away from people should Palin become v.p. I mean, if you've been charged with corruption in Alaska, of all places, can you imagine what could go wrong as the second in command of the country? Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Freedom Of Religion

Last night while eating dinner my 9-year-old niece just blurts out, "Why do people hate Muslims?" Obviously taken aback, I wanted to know why she thought that. She said she overheard the parents of some kids at the park talking about how all Muslims are terrorists and they should all be deported from this country or killed. This visit to the park was last week so she's been sitting with this for awhile. Then it sent me frantically thinking about how to best handle such a question.
I had a conversation just last week with a family member about religion in America, specifically about Muslims. Where one of my aunts lives, there was a big deal about a workplace refusing to let its Muslim workers take a break at sundown for Ramadan. In an article I read online about the dispute, I could not believe how many comments there were from people saying that the Muslim workers had to "be flexible" and should maybe "consider taking a pay cut to work at a job that provides adequate hours for them to practice their religion". There were very few comments about being tolerant of other faiths. In fact, there were a ton of comments about how we needed to make this country the "Christian nation it once was". I must have missed that chapter of American history because as long as we've been a nation, there have been a number of diverse races and religions.
Telling Muslims that they can't have a short break to do something their religion requires is like telling a Catholic they can't go to church on Ash Wednesday or saying they have to wipe the ashes off their forehead before they come into work. It's like asking a Jewish person to eat during a full fasting holiday. Nobody should have to hide their religion, no matter what it is. Obviously, Christians make up the majority of people in this country but that does not mean that everyone else should follow. The freedoms we have in America are the reason people want to come to this country and one of those freedoms is freedom of religion. I can't believe how intolerant a nation we actually seem to be sometimes.
Islam is really, when you simplify it, similar to Christianity in this way - there's a divide amongst Muslims and extremists and there is a divide amongst Evangelicals and Christians. The Koran is meant to be interpreted by each person as they see fit. So is the Bible. Muslim extremists interpret the message to be violence and war to attain what they want. The majority of Muslims practice peacefully. Further, Catholics, Christians and Muslims all believe in God. Yes, the same God, just different variations. But I guess it's the littlest things that people use to separate themselves from each other. I don't have a dog in this fight so I feel like I can see from a sort of outside view, in a way.
And so I spent over an hour explaining to this child why she heard the things she did on the playground. Explaining to her that you don't discriminate against someone because of the color of their skin or their beliefs. You may not agree with their beliefs, but you should respect everybody equally. Fortunately, she's growing up in an extremely tolerant family and around a diverse group of people so the message was easy to get across. I just still can't believe she heard such a thing on the playground. It's like kids can't even be kids anymore and that's sad.

Changes

I'm finally on the mend and breathing doesn't hurt as much. Hopefully I'll be better by tomorrow, just in time for work. Making my recovery even more difficult is the massive amount of life-altering information I've had to take in this week. My best friend since birth got back together her "husband" (it was never a legal marriage) a little while back and they're basically, I guess you'd say engaged (again). They went on vacation to Europe last month and ended up prolonging their stay almost an entire month because he got offered a job. Two jobs, actually. One in Spain and one in England. He's seriously considering taking someone up on their offer and she, of course, would be going with him. We've never lived on completely separate continents for a prolonged period of time. And yet...I feel oddly at ease with the whole situation. I mean, she's been gone a month and we've talked everyday via internet or phone but I haven't really had the cow I was preparing myself for. Don't get me wrong, I miss her like crazy but I thought it would be much worse. I remember when she moved out of the home we were living in a few years ago and I did my best to make her stay. But I was alone once she moved out. And when she got married, to my ex-fiancee's brother no less, I tried my best to lock her in a closet and never let her out so she couldn't leave me. Again, I was by myself. But this time...it's like we're both grown-ups. We're both in relationships and happy and we know we're always gonna be in each other's lives. Just on separate ends of the earth, apparently. They have to make a decision by the end of this month, so it's coming up quickly. I just hope she's happy, whatever they choose.

PLAGUE

I've gone from a severe sore throat and speechlessness to full on plague. I mean PLAGUE. Everyday something new hurts or I get a new symptom. I can't remember the last time I was this sick and it wasn't related to accident after-effects. Growing up, I had an immune system of steel. Everyone around me could get sick but I wouldn't. I had the chicken pox and I had the flu maybe twice and that was it. The accident sent my system all screwy and now it's not as strong as it used to be but I still don't get sick much. When I do, it seems like it's always related to my lungs in some way. I used to have asthma as a kid but I outgrew it and it completely went away last year. But when my lungs choose to turn against me, they mean business. I thought I'd be over this by now, I was supposed to go to a work function tonight but I pulled out yesterday because I just didn't think I'd be well. Last night, I felt better and I felt like I was clearing and then by the time I went to bed, I felt like crap again. So I slept for about two hours and then jumped up at 3 a.m. hacking up a lung out of nowhere. That lasted a half hour and then I was up again at 6 with the same thing. Finally, I slept for three hours this morning soundly. And woke up all stuffy. But my throat no longer hurts, on the upside. Breathing has become a major chore. I wish I could just sleep through the entire thing, but every time I sleep I start coughing. On another note, my best friend since birth is this close to moving overseas...don't know how I feel about that yet. I'll explain it all when I get well (soon, hopefully).

Addict Thinking

"Addict: 1. To give oneself up to a strong habit 2. To become addicted to a habit, as to using drugs."
That is the definition of an addict or an addiction. I do not think I was an addict. Now, this whole thing came up this morning because my girlfriend heard some stuff about what I now refer to as 'the dark ages'. I never fully told her about stuff that happened during that time because I don't like to re-live it. I told her what was important but I can't blame her for wanting to know the whole story.
Back when I was in my depressive phase, which lasted a good number of years, I was into just about anything self-destructive. I drank a lot, and I can drink a lot since genetics has made it virtually impossible for me to actually get drunk. And I slept around, as has been documented here. But what I never addressed until last year was that I took to popping pills around the second year of my issues. Even now, I couldn't tell you for sure what they were. One day I opened up the medicine cabinet for Advil and saw a shelf full of leftover drugs from my accident and recovery. So, I took one and it snowballed from there. I would never like have to take them to function or anything. It was more like whenever I was bored or alone...or had just come home from doing something I knew I shouldn't have been doing. Often, I'd chase whatever I took with alcohol. Given my family's history of addiction, was it stupid to even take the risk? Obviously. Even more of a risk was that I was already on other medications and had no clue if they would interact with each other. I wasn't trying to hurt myself or kill myself at all. Obviously I didn't care much for myself at the time but I would never try to take my own life. They helped silence everything. I can't say I was ever actually high on any of them (I don't think they even were able to have such an effect).
My family found out what I was doing after a long period of time (I was good at secrets) but no one person knew everything. Some knew about the drinking, some about the sex, no one really about the pills. Then, I just slowly came to realize that I needed to snap out of this whole thing and I scaled back on the drinking and quit taking everything except what I actually had to. I stopped sleeping with anyone and I stopped half-assing my way in and out of relationships. That wasn't what I needed at the time. And I never meant to hurt anyone else in the first place, which is what my relationship issues were doing. Even though I was finally making and effort and coming out of everything, some members of my family thought I wouldn't be able to do it on my own, thus considering me an addict. I never had withdrawal from anything that I gave up and I literally decided one day not to do it anymore and I haven't since. But every time I talked to someone, they'd ask where I was or what I was doing or where I'd been the night before and if I'd been doing something self-destructive. It got annoying after awhile so last year I asked a counselor who'd been helping one of best friends with his past addiction if we could talk. He took me on and confirmed what I already knew; that I got lucky in not becoming dependent upon anything I was doing. And then, he gave the family some ammo; I do, indeed, have self-destructive tendencies. Well...ya can't win 'em all. At least I rarely get asked if I'm being 'self-destructive' anymore. And I know I have everything in check, though the good doctor says I do tend to lean toward 'addict thinking' every now and again. Whatever. I still drink, but I don't overdo it. I don't take any pill unles I absolutely have to (post-surgery, etc.), I don't even take Tylenol anymore so there's no trouble there. And I'm very happily a one woman man so sex isn't an issue either. Even as I write this, I don't believe I was ever an addict and I should know, I've seen a few friends go through rehab that were serious addicts. I'm just glad it's behind me now.

Random ramblings, I guess

I'm trying to figure out how to best put down exactly how I feel at the moment. First, this whole big marriage thing. I remember going to my first gay wedding about a month ago and thinking about just how much this couple had to go through to get to the altar. The second it became legal, they started planning their day. And part of me feels stupid for doing this whole yo-yo thing with the idea of getting married. But it's not like it's solely my decision anyway.
Then, I look at the other weddings I've been to in the last few years. My little brother and his wife are junior high school sweethearts and I can't think of any two people more meant for each other. They have a son, the one I often refer to in my posts that I care for a lot of the time. They love each other and they were relatively problem free for most of their relationship. Then as their wedding approached last November, there was a chance it might not happen at all because they both started having doubts. I've always figured it was just nerves. And I was right because even though they had some slight issues after the wedding, they've pretty much settled in and are extremely happy. This is a good example. What they have is amazing and I'm glad they're so happy. That said, I still haven't heard any great reviews about the difference between before the wedding and after.
Everyone has an opinion on why I am so hesitant to take that walk. My theory is this: change and I are arch rivals and, though it often wins, I still do my best to avoid it. My mother is extremely opposed to the idea of my never getting married. She has this whole big thing about women getting too...I don't know, relaxed with their men and allowing them to stick around without a firm commitment and signed document. Mind you, my mom has never been married. She never harassed my brother or sister about getting hitched after they had kids because they were young and she knew it was stupid to get married just because you're knocked up. I'm grown, so I know I don't have to do what my mommy tells me. But lately, it's been getting a tad bit on my nerves.
About this whole change thing...I've never dealt well with change but I've noticed it hasn't been as big a factor in my life the last little while. I don't know what it is, but in the last year I've become a parent and dealt with numerous things amongst the family and friends that should have shaken me much more than they did. And yet, nothing's really affected me. It's just kinda all rolled off of me and I've moved on. On one hand, that seems like some sort of progress. On the other, I'm terrified of what may be on the horizon and whether or not it'll be some kind of monumental change that sends me running for cover. Maybe it's just worrying for nothing. Maybe it's legit...I don't really know. It's not like I have a bad feeling or anything. I'm just curious.

Arrested Development

Yesterday was a very good day for me. All of my sports teams won, I spent a nice day with my family and I was all set to have a nice night of just doing nothing for once. Just as my night got going, the door buzzes and my brother calls us downstairs. The door opens and who should stand on the other side of it but a police officer and my teenager. She was at a party on the campus of her school and someone tipped off the police that there were illegal happenings at this party. Those cops went kid by kid and tested each and every one and then set out to return them to their owners. There were drugs going on at this party but the main thing was alcohol and every kid there was underage. The good news is that she swears her drug test is gonna come back negative (and it better, because I know she's smarter than that). The bad news is that she had been drinking and even though she wasn't arrested, she could still get community service for her offense. Apparently she's benefiting from some legal loophole, thank God. But this whole thing has put me in an interesting situation. She's 18 so, technically, she is an adult. If you use that thinking, then what can I really do to her? However, and this is the logic I like, she is still living under my roof so my rules apply and my rules do include not getting arrested. In fact, when she moved in I told her 'don't get arrested and if you do, call so-so and so first'. To her credit, she did call who I told her to. But a near arrest is close enough to enforce my rules. I didn't do anything last night but send her off to her room and try and not think about the whole thing. The Mrs. however has been ready to bring down the hammer from the second the teen walked in the door. After thinking about what woulda happened to me had I been stupid enough to get caught doing what she did, I came to the conclusion that I have to do something. 18 doesn't mean a thing to me, so long as she's in this house. So, as of this morning she's pretty much done seeing the outside except for school and work. Those are the only things she can do until further notice. And the best part...we're going out of the country in a few weeks but my sister-in-law is gonna have nothing but time back here at the house. I never in my life imagined I would have to ground somebody. Especially grounding a teenager when I'm not yet 30 myself. It's weird. It's like our first real test of parental discipline. A teenager and a baby and the teenager is the one we can't turn our backs on for a second...what a life, eh?

We interrupt our regular blogging for this special post

This is something my girlfriend wrote on her blog. Because she tells the story better than I ever could and because it makes me sound really good. lol

"My Best Friend

Before I met my boyfriend I'd never met anyone who thought he could learn how to do anything. Seriously, this man is fearless. Example: During Barack Obama's speech a few weeks ago I suddenly got a craving for cake. We had nothing in the way of sweets in the entire house so I was in withdrawal. He gets up off the couch and goes to the kitchen and fifteen minutes later I smell cake. He went and called his Mom and got one of her recipes. Two days and a trip to the store later, I decided I wanted to add frosting to what was left of my cake and he hit up google and found a recipe. It officially confirmed that he's the perfect man for me.
It's been almost fives years since we met and it's a meeting that literally took my breath away. I was having a good day alreayd and it turned into an unforgettable one at around 2:45 that afternoon. I was walking into a trailer to grab something for a scene and I could feel that I'd hit something when I'd opened the door. This guy turned around and I apologized and then I looked at him. Damn lol That was the first and only thought I had for about 30 seconds. There I am stuck on stupid and staring into the most gorgeous green eyes I had ever since (and I told him as much).
The next night we went on our first date and all night our conversation flowed so beautifully. There was never an awkward silence or any kind of disagreement. So by the end of dinner I was thinking, 'okay...something has to be wrong with him. Maybe he won't pay and then I can get outta this.' lol But no such luck. He had the best manners of any man I've ever dated in my life and what was supposed to just be dinner turned into a walk in the park and hanging out at a coffeehouse. I loved every minute of it and I fell for him by the end of the night. Totally against my will but I loved him. The best part was that he did not try to kiss me at the end of that date. Not that the attraction wasn't raging but I don't kiss on the first date and he seemed to somehow sense that and so he didn't even try. The funny thing is that we didn't keep officially dating right away. I was in the midst of a hectic divorce and it made things more difficult. Adding to our difficulties was that I didn't live in the same state as him. Also difficult (for my friends) was the age difference, which is about 12 years. My friends thought it was a phase, that we were just having great sex and that's why I was so sprung. But we weren't even sleeping together at that time. I didn't care that he was younger or that he wasn't the same race as me. What amazed me is that he'd been through so much, having lost perhaps the love of his life and nearly his own life when he was just 21-years-old, and though he was still having trouble dealing with, there was no question he was going to get past it somehow. To bethat incredibly strong at such a young age is ridiculous to me and it drew me in even more.
But nothing can ever be easy and this was no different. After an amazing year and a half together we split up. It was sad but we both knew it was for the best. I dated other men, older than him, and none of them were any good. No one had the same amount of character as him. They were older in age but below him in maturity. So when I found myself single again and knew he was single, I asked him out as friends. We ended up sleeping together and not really dating but it felt right because neither of us wanted a relationship. I became pregnant during this time and I remember suspecting I was and then taking the test and being so happy the entire time. It wasn't the best timing or situation but it was his baby let me tell you, I'd wanted to have his babies from the second I saw him lol. I wondered how he'd react to the news though since he wasn't in a great place. I studied his face as I said the words "You're gonna be a daddy" and he went from shock to the biggest smile. He'd always wanted a daughter and I'm convinced he willed our baby to become a girl. I'll never forget the mornings we'd wake up and he'd ask "How are my girls today?". I'll never forget the nights I'd wake up and hear him talking to her about eveything from The Beatles to that night's hockey game.
Now we're about two and a half weeks away from an entire year together. It blows my mind where we've been. It's not always been easy but he's always been sure that this is where we're meant to be and that, even if it's just for now, that's how it's supposed to be. He's become such an wonderful father. I always knew he would be but he has grown so much more than I think he realizes. There's surprisingly little for us to argue about anymore. Every day is some sort of new adventure. There's no order or routine at all in our household. It's constant chaos but somehow he always finds a way for us to be alone. I can't explain exactly why I love him. I can list the reasons for days; he's a beautiful person, he's gorgeous, he's incredibly smart, he challenges me, he spoils me rotten lol All those are good but it's more this force that draws me to him and it's something I've never felt before with anyone else. He surprises me constantly in so many ways. Even when I feel like I know him or I know everything about him, he throws a total curve. I love it. And I love him more than I could ever put down in words. He makes me laugh and if I had to choose one thing that would keep us in it for the long haul, that would be it. He finds humor in absolutely everything, no matter how dire the circumstance seems to be. He's one of those people that once you meet him, you love him. He makes your life better just by being in it. There aren't many of those walking around nowadays. Sometimes I can't believe how blessed I am."

It's A Small World After All

First off, I have to say thank you to my amazing friends and family who succeeded in throwing my teenager a surprise birthday party this weekend. We had absolutely no clue until the afternoon of that anything was going on and it turned out to be awesome. I love you guys.
Second, my trip to New Orleans is officially off until at least late next week, unless yet another hurricane sets its sights on that part of the country. Hopefully, people get out safely and it isn't a repeat of Katrina (FEMA already showed up, so we're one better already but we'll see how they do this time).
And third, and most troubling, I found out that one of my friends is unknowingly dating one of my ex-girlfriends. This friend and I have been down a long, sometimes hellish, road together over the last 17 years. We fell out in 2005 when he basically discovered that I wasn't Superman and I couldn't fix everything, the way he always thought I could. His addictions were another factor. He finally went into rehab last year and spent almost the entire year cleaning himself up. We started talking and doing therapy sessions for his recovery in December and it has helped our relationship so much more than I thought it would. We're in a nice place right now. We're not as close as we used to be and we'll probably never be that close again but that's fine with us. Things change and evolve and you deal with it.
The ex-girlfriend is one of the more forgettable parts of my life. I admit it was totally lust on my part and we dated for about three months or so. It was a time when my demons were getting the best of me and I shouldn't have stuck around as long as I did. She wanted more. She wanted to be a legitimate couple and give it a shot and, unfortunately, she fell in love with me. And I didn't feel the same way at all and she knew it but she refused to walk away. I think part of the reason she liked me so much was because her parents, mostly mom, hated me. She was only around 23 or 24 when we were dating and she was still living with her parents and I remember thinking to myself at the time, "What the f*ck am I doing?". She was the first person I ever dated who was younger than me. I finally broke it off and we lingered for awhile until I finally had to just get mean and tell her we were done. She still tried to convince me to try again for nearly a year afterward. She's one of those who thinks she can "save" someone and I didn't need to be saved.
We dated at a time when I wasn't speaking to my friend so he really has no clue who or what I did during those few years we had sporadic contact. Imagine my shock yesterday morning when I ran by his place to pick up something and he introduced me to her and said they'd met at work a few days ago and were technically on a date when I came by. She and I had a second alone and what was said was not pretty but essentially came down to she tells him or I will. It's not a coincidence like I know she's gonna try and play it off as. She knew we were friends before she started dating him. I don't believe she's with him because he's her type. He's much worse off than I am and I know she doesn't wanna deal with his issues and his recovery. I don't even think she really understands what it's like to live with someone who's in recovery. I don't know what the motive is here, I know it isn't to get to me. Although, you could see the wind knocked outta her sails when I told her I have a child and a girlfriend, so who knows. I guess I'm just thrown because I want to protect him. He's doing so well and I don't wanna jeopardize how far we've come and I don't want him to get hurt. He has no clue about any of this. I know when he finds out about us, he's gonna end it and I'm worried she's not going to "get around" to saying anything and then it's anybody's guess how he's gonna feel about her by then. *sigh* Never a dull moment in this court...

Election

I'm not usually one to get too involved in politics but, like many others in 2008, this particular presidential election has me hooked. I've voted in every major election since I was 18 years old and my teenager is eligible to vote for the first time this fall and is very involved already in choosing a candidate based on the issues. I'm proud of the way she's choosing to make her decision based on what the candidates say they're going to do if elected, rather than basing it on an emotional decision or getting swept up in anyone's hype. She's been much more mature about it than most older adults I've heard talk about this election.
I was a Hillary supporter from day one. People talk about Bill having been a liability for her but I think most of them are thinking about his personal life rather than what he did for us as president. I never had anything against Barack Obama. I've met him twice and he's a wonderful guy with an amazing story that epitomizes the American dream. He's breaking down racial barriers and he's a candidate that so many young people can relate to. He came from a broken home, spent some time on welfare and has risen above it all to achieve what he always felt he could. But, like so many people did and still do, I questioned whether he was ready to lead an entire nation because he didn't have much experience.
Both Barack and Hillary symbolize the same thing - change. If she'd become the nominee, it would have knocked down the door for women today and for future generations. Now that he's the nominee, it knocks down the door for minorities. You can now look your daughters in the eye and tell them they can be president someday and mean it and know it could actually happen. The same with your African American, Hispanic or Bi-Racial sons. The game changes from here on out because of both Hillary and Barack.
Now the question is whether or not Barack did enough last night to get elected in November. When Hillary dropped out and asked her supporters to support him, I did just that because their policies are 99% the same and I completely agree that the Democrats need to take back the White House (despite the fact that I'm not registered to either party). I'd hoped that he would choose Hillary as his running mate. It would have all but sunk McCain because right now Barack have Hillary's 18 million supporters without question, instead of having to fight for them and watch some flock to McCain out of bitterness (which is so petty, by the way).
This week I've watched most of the convention (and it's awesome that such a historic night took place in my hometown) and I've also watched some of the news shows where people phone in and give their take on things. Many who called in were women who said they would not vote for Obama because he's too easygoing or young or because he beat Clinton and did not choose her to run with him. They were gonna vote for McCain or not vote at all just because Hillary did not win. How juvenile is that? It's like the country is full of hormonal, emotional teenagers in adult bodies. First, as my mom always says, if you don't vote than you can't complain in the next four years about what goes on and how the country fares, because you did not take the time to have a say in who would run the country. I have not heard one person who was voting Hillary and now McCain say they're voting for him based on his plans once he takes office. Very few people seem to be voting on the issues and not on personality or hurt feelings or race or anything else. It almost makes me sick to think McCain could win based on scare tactics and women who are bitter about who the Democratic nominee is not.
When Joe Biden was chosen, I didn't know a whole lot about him. After some research and watching his speech, there is very little the McCain camp can attack him on. Yes, I may be somewhat partial to Biden because of what happened to him several years ago. I can relate in so many ways, but that's not what it's about. I think he was a safe choice for Obama. He's proven that he is a true family man and that he does want to fight for change and for what is right. The McCain camp would have had a field day with attack ads about Hillary but they can't with Biden. So far I've only seen one that talks about how he misspoke in the past but now that he's admitted to battling speech issues all of his life, that ad is the equivalent of making fun of such an issue. That just looks like bullying. I may not like that Hillary didn't win the nomination or the vp spot and it irks me to no end that I feel like Barack didn't choose her mostly out of hurt feelings of some sort, but that doesn't affect me like it has some people. Things need to change. Now, I have nothing against John McCain. While I do not agree with what he's done in his personal life (cheating on his injured wife, seven houses he can't keep track of, the amazing robotic stepford wife Cindy, the list goes on) I appreciate what he did for his country and think it's horrible what he endured while in captivity. But I feel like part of his campaign is reminding people of that time and insinuating that you owe him a vote because of it. Just because you served bravely in the service does not make you anymore ready to run a country than someone who did not. I'm surprised that he refuses to set a timeline on the war, knowing what those soldiers are enduring everyday. No one doubts that he loves his country and that he has done some good things for it in the past. But he wants to keep things the same as they have been the last 8 years, when that is obviously not working and never has. I like John McCain. I just do not want him to be my president. Had he run back when everyone was urging him to, we maybe would have avoided Bush altogether and, depending on who was opposing him, McCain maybe would have gotten my vote. But not now.
John McCain is like 900 years old. I've thought from the beginning of this election that the choice of running mates on both sides was extremely important. For Obama, because of his age and his lack of experience. And for McCain because of his age. He's had some health issues in the past and he's an older gentlemen. It is very likely that he could die in office and then his vp pick would be running the show. Of course, no one is wishing this on him and I think he'll be okay the next four years but you have to consider the possibility. Obama did well in choosing someone who had the experience he lacked on foreign policy. McCain I do not think did well in choosing someone who could take over if needed. A female governor from Alaska. Yes, she has more experience running things than Obama but on the other hand, it's Alaska. We all know that he chose a woman because he's going after Hillary's supporters, especially those who are itching for a reason to justify their vote for McCain. I don't think Palin is ready to run the entire country if she needed to. But I think that now more people will vote for him because his running mate is a woman. Now, it's a legitimate race.
In the end, it's such a complicated election that is also very simple. Blue = Change. Red = Bush's Reign Continues. That's it. That's all that it ends up as. When you break it down and ask yourself what kind of world you want your kids or the kids you may have in the next four years to come into, I don't know of many people that would want them to come into the one we live in now. Of course, the Mayans believed the world would end in 2012 so maybe it's best not to bring any kids into the world until after that. Just to be on the safe side.

Panic

I started thinking about my relationships in the past. Trying to figure out what the real issues were and why they ended the way they did. I've only really had three major romantic relationships in my life that truly meant something to me. One lasted almost eight years (on/off) but was turbulent most of the time, the second was an engagement and lasted eight months and the third is currently in progress. I don't think I've ever gotten over the first one, for so many reasons, but I have learned to move past it. But it took a long time. So for a long time I drifted. I hit the party scene hard and drifted from woman to woman. There were "relationships" here and there in that time, but nothing significant. A lot of coulda beens. When 2005 rolled around, I decided to not live that way anymore and try and just not deal with dating at all. Then, I got together with a friend I'd known for a long time and we got engaged (too fast) and then that fell apart and happened to coincide with everything else collapsing my world at the time. After that ended and I found out why it had ended, I went on yet another dating binge, this time mixed with depression (though I didn't get treatment for it, likely making my issues worse). Again, I didn't apply myself and went person to person. Then, last year I got to a point where I was just sick of it all. I'd tried dating yet another friend and she's one of the most amazing people on earth but I just could not stop hurting her. That was a bit of a wake up call and I started figuring out how to be alone and not go after someone just because I knew I could get her. After every major break-up, it's like I'd go into panic mode. I used to work on this timetable of how I needed to be settled by some certain point in my life. Since I decided to throw that out, I've been much happier. Even better than that is that there are (for the most part) no more shadows, no demons I can't keep silenced.
And my relationship is seriously benefitting from my growth. This is our second time around but it doesn't feel that way because we're such different people now. Everything flows so easily between us. We've got new interests and new things that we want to pursue and we want to do them together. Every few months, I head out of town or the country for a charity excursion of some kind (I'm hoping that this hurricane doesn't hit New Orleans since that's my destination at the end of next week). And I've never really felt like I could share my efforts with anyone I wasn't related to. Some of my girlfriends have been...not self-centered but not as willing to donate their time to some causes. It always felt like I was holding a part of myself back because I couldn't just go out and pick a cause and start working. But she is all for this kind of thing and it's amazing to share that with her and, eventually, our child. I'm a lucky, lucky boy.

I Dare You

What it is about those words that makes some people have to take the dare? It's always like a big thing when you're a kid, if you get a dare you have to do it or you're a chicken. I readily admit to being a chicken about some things. No failed dare needed. This weekend I received a dare from my best friend. We've been back and forth about getting a certain tattoo (no, not our name or b-days or anything that stupid) and I was kind of the holdout. Not for any real reason, just busy I guess. So she walks me to the outside of a tattoo parlor and dares me to go in and get this tattoo. And I take the bait. It ended up being so much fun because the artist is a guy who has done my tattoos before (and won't be happy until he does one in color) and his wife. It was like some kind of party. Music playing, everyone having a good time. I have to say, as always, he did a damn good job and I can't wait until they heal. On the upside, we both got them in places that our parents shouldn't find out about. Well, not until next summer anyway. So Mom shouldn't beat me immediately. It's an addiction, I tell ya. Once you get one, you start thinking of the next and so on.
On the subject of parents, remember that friend of mine who I coulda been more with (a.k.a. the infamous letter writer)? Well her mom and my uncle are still very much together and came out to visit me this weekend. I went out yesterday to lunch with them and my brother and sister-in-law and nephew. We've all come to terms with the fact that they are a "couple" and they're going to be together a lot of the time. It's worked out kind of perfectly, I guess. They still insist that neither of them wants to get married. She's been married once before, he's never been married and I think it's a good thing they don't wanna be because frankly it takes a lot to "tame" a member of my family. We're all incredibly independent and sometimes it's hard to find someone who can handle that some things don't change. Anyway, we went on an impromptu furniture shopping excursion after lunch because our place needs a new kid-friendly couch. As we're walking around looking at stuff and trying out couches, apparently the elders are having some sort of slight disagreement on the other side of the store. So we all end up sitting on two couches and a chair, in different "rooms" of the store discussing which couch we like. The parents weren't saying much because it's not their living room, it's my living room. Then all of a sudden, my uncle says, rather loudly, "I don't know what the big deal is" towards his...let's say, partner since girlfriend sounds creepy. We all look at him and ask what's going on and she tries to get him to not talk but he does and tells us that he asked her to live together like ten minutes ago while looking at bedroom furniture. And she was, understandably, taken aback and hadn't answered. So here we are sitting in the middle of a furniture store on a Sunday afternoon, first stunned and then saying things like, "Are you crazy?" and "No, this is not gonna happen" to our uncle. Meanwhile, life goes on around us and people are hearing this little family spat. So we leave, couch-less and a little freaked out, and make the long drive back home in almost complete silence.
After the parents left, everyone started to talk about what went down. The conversation was long but I finally concluded to myself that I just don't care. It did bother me when they first got together but now it doesn't. Ironically, it does bother my letter writing friend and she was the one laughing when they started dating. So...whatever they do, I just want them to be happy. Last night I was discussing all this with my best friend and she shook her head and said,"What was he thinking?" and I couldn't help myself. My reply was, "I know...he should have dared her to move in with him."

18

It seems like so long ago I began my parental journey with my teenager. At the time, she was fighting with her dad constantly and landed at my door asking if she could live with me. Eventually, that's exactly what happened. Thankfully, she was old enough to mostly take care of herself so the state didn't look in on us nearly as often as they said they would. (Though the surprise visits have been so much fun). I guess some would find such unannounced visits nerve-wracking but I never did, I had nothing to worry about. The goal was to keep her alive until her 18th birthday, no one really said I should keep her happy in that time. But it's been a fairly easy route for us.
Wednesday is when my teen turns "legal adult". Technically, I'm not responsible for her anymore in the eyes of the law. But I find myself slowly realizing that I'm not gonna be able to just turn off my parenting of her. Obviously college is just around the corner and that's gonna mean more freedom for her, but I don't know how big a transition it's really gonna be. She's still gonna be living here and she's pretty much had more freedom than most the last few months. She's been working and generally getting her life together before it changes next month.
But what really changes for us on Wednesday? Not a whole lot. She says she still expects to ask me if she can do things, just as a reflex. And I still expect to ask, "Where are you going?" every time she walks out the door. I'm not one to deal with change well so having to take over the care a discipline of a teenager seriously rocked my world for a few days. But I got over it quickly and we settled in. Looking back at all that's gone on in both of our lives the last year, I can see how much things have changed, some I didn't even notice until recently. I feel a lot older than I should at 27. When the clock hit 12:00 A.M. on 1/1/07, I was a bachelor in and out of relationships, half-assing my way through most of them, and not really concerned with looking too far into my own future. Now, I'm a father and I'm happy and helping a kid plan her own future, now that mine seems somewhat set. I guess the only way to really describe it is that it's like I actually became a parent when she came to live with me and everything changed. Teen or newborn, I guess you're playing with a completely new deck either way.
I think my relationships have changed drastically with everyone. I was a responsible guy before but now it feels different. I don't regret having taken on the challenge though. I think it was good for all of us, and especially good for her relationship with her father. They were barely on speaking terms in February and now they talk once a week. I don't think that'd be the case if she woulda had to stay with him. So, Wednesday will be the day we go to the DMV for the big people's license and this weekend she'll celebrate the big day. And, beyond that, she goes to college and I head back to work and everything changes, yet remains the same. Love it.

The Box

Last night I came home to find a package waiting for me. I recognized the address as my deceased ex-girlfriend's family address. I was a little thrown because we never got along when she was alive and that hasn't changed since her death, although we've been slightly more civil towards each other. About a year ago was the last time they sent me something and that was a tape she'd made while on vacation in Mexico, where she died. Against my better judgement, I watched it and it could very well be the only thing I've ever regretted in my life. I still have it somewhere, locked away. And I still have the last voicemail she left me a few days before her death and my birthday. I have moved on. I used to think about her ten times a day, at least, and now I think of her every few days.
Part of me doesn't wanna know what's in this box, which is why I haven't opened it yet. It's still sitting in my living room and that's where it will stay until at least Monday, because I'm going out of town this weekend. I was watching this thing the other night about people who lose significant others. This program was talking about how some people throw themselves into relationships soon after a death to numb the pain and prove they're fine. Others, and here's my category, shut down and form walls to prevent themselves from getting close to anyone for fear of losing them again. My walls have started to come down in the last year or so. But aside from the walls, I think it's better to wait for someone who's worth the time and energy. I'm not afraid of losing anyone again (except my daughter). Okay, maybe just a little. But that gets on my nerves because I know it's not worth it. Everybody leaves everybody eventually.
And so I sit here...staring at this box and wondering what's inside...though still slightly afraid of what's inside. And hoping I don't think about it all weekend...knowing I will.

What The Hell?

You would think cutting a friend/ex out of your life that you've known for a long time would be difficult. For me, it wasn't a huge strain just because I think I'd been expecting to have to step away from her for quite some time. In the month or so that we've not been speaking, I can honestly say I haven't thought of her once. I've been so happy with the person I'm with and with everything going on in my life that I haven't had the time to think about her. So imagine my shock when this person I'm not talking to showed up at my door. And it was not a good reunion. Not at all. It was like something snapped in her head and, since she was in town, she decided to come by and make my life difficult. I had such a wonderful yesterday and today wasn't going too bad and now this. Seriously, the first words out of her mouth when she walked in were, 'Are you seriously gonna marry this girl?'. Not exactly how you wanna start a conversation. I don't know what she heard or where she heard it but those words started quite the argument.
Here's what I don't get - for months now, all I've heard about is how happy she is with her boyfriend/fiance/whatever he is and how he is likely the one for her. When I was alone, it didn't bother me. Now, it doesn't bother me. But if you're soooooo happy with this dude, why are you at my door demanding that I justify my decisions to you?? It's like she just doesn't get that our personal lives are no longer entangled. What I do has absolutely no effect on what she does. I get that she still feels like we should be together. She feels like this arrangement of all or nothing isn't fair but obviously she can't handle anything but that.
I'm happy right now and I can't believe she can't accept that. I would never, ever show up at any one's door and demand something from them if I knew they were happy and moved on. I don't know her as well as I used to but I still get the feeling that she's not telling me all of the reasons why she won't let go. And I don't know how to make her tell me what's going on. And part of me doesn't wanna know. Sadly, another part doesn't care.

Hat Trick

Just when I thought it was safe to call it a recovery, I ended up in my second home, the ER, again last night. That makes three times in exactly a week. Only this time it wasn't an internal injury, it was an accident at my house. I was walking into my nephews' room when I realized that one of the screws on his door was coming undone and sticking out. So I decided to abandon my original mission of getting his shoe and instead go get a screwdriver and fix the door. Then, he shot off into the room, running at full speed, to get his shoes himself and I took off after him to make sure he didn't cut the corner too short and cut himself. Guess who did cut the corner too short and cut his arm? Yeah, me. While for most people this would be no big deal, you'd get a band-aid and move on with your life, I could very well bleed to death from even a small cut (yet another fun side effect of my meds), and this wasn't exactly small. So I grab the kid, grab a friend from across the hall and head to the hospital. The nurse at the desk is the same one who has helped care for me the last two visits and the look on her face was priceless. Seriously, how many people vacation every few days at their local hospital? She already knew why the cut was a big deal and she grabbed this gauze looking pad from the supply room and stuck it right on my arm. The bleeding immediately stopped. She sent me home with a box of these pads later on. Anyway, she said she should just let me go home and forget the entire visit happened, since I'd been their best customer lately. But no...she was concerned that I may have lost a little too much blood on the way over and so I had to stay for an hour to get tests. Thankfully, everything checked out and I got to go home at a reasonable time. I totally owe that chick coffee or something. So, I got the hat trick in hospital visits and I hope that'll be it for a long time to come. NOW, I'm hopeful that a full recovery is next.

Still Unwell

I spent my weekend on the couch. Not by choice, but because breathing issues forced another doctor visit and his advice was to relax. I thought that's what I'd been doing but apparently not. Taking it easy is not at all an easy thing for me to do. From the time I get up in the morning, until the wee hours of the night, I'm always doing something. Very rarely do I actually just sit down and do nothing. It feels like a waste of time to me. But the girlfriend has layed down the law and informed me that resting is exactly what I'll be doing for the foreseeable future. On the bright side, I've gotten to spend a ton of time with the Mrs.
Last night, while out filling yet another prescription at the store, the Mrs. ran into an old friend of her sister, whom she used to date. It was obvious to her that this guy still felt something for her and he asked for her number, so he could call her and get her sister's number later on (she'd left her phone in the car). Sensing what was going on, she got his number instead to pass it on to her sister, then she came home and we launched into a conversation about our exes (during a rare moment of drug-free clarity for me). She was never really serious about this guy but she broke it off after he made it clear that he only wanted to hook up with her and nothing more because she's not the same race as him. She didn't see the point in sticking around anymore. Nothing surprises either of us about our pasts or past loves. We've both dated all kinds of colors and faiths and it doesn't seem like a big deal to us. I can honestly say that I've never thought twice about going out with anyone because of their color. And I've never felt like there was less of a chance of things working out because our colors or faiths were different. My family is one of the most tolerant bunch of people I know, so maybe that's why I don't think in terms of color. I wouldn't be here if not for an interfaith/racial relationship. My Grandma was Hispanic and Catholic and my Grandpa was white and a Southern Baptist. But they were also both stubborn and decided they were in love and that was that. My Grandpa was in the process of converting his religion so they could get re-married in a church, when he died. I think it's great that we live in a society that's growing more tolerant of mixed relationships. My girlfriend is a product of an interracial relationship and so is our daughter. As are a good amount of my nieces and nephews. I understand that some people would rather marry someone who is their own color or faith. I can see how that would make things somewhat easier. But I don't get those who completely close themselves off to the possibility of even dating anyone outside their race. The way I see it, you go with who you're drawn to. Who cares what color they are? Relationships are work either way. My girlfriend and I aren't an interfaith couple, but we are interracial. And that is, surprisingly, still a problem for some people. We get looked at when we're out together and our daughter (who has almost blonde hair, almost green eyes and darker skin) is always stared at. I'd like to think because she's so gorgeous but I know that it's likely for other reasons sometimes. Why the hate? Why not just accept that everyone loves differently and that people can be very proud of their heritage while dating someone of another background?

Parental Second Thoughts

While spending two fun-filled days and nights in the hospital this week for brain/head issues (nothing a few more meds couldn't cure, apparently), I had very little to do but watch cableless t.v. and sleep. I tried to get as much sleep as I could, but it was a hospital so that proved difficult. I had like twenty channels to choose from on this t.v and ended up watching some show called 'The Baby Borrowers'. Basically, they throw these teenage couples who feel that they're ready to be parents into a cul-de-sac and toss other people's kids on them. The first week is babies and then toddlers, pre-teens and, this week, teenagers. I had a feeling these rent-a-kids on this show were gonna run their pseudo parents into the ground and boy was I right. These kids had absolutely no manners at all. But they didn't have to do much to get on the nerves of the 'parents' because a few of their romantic relationships were already coming apart before the kids arrived. It was interesting to see how their arguing affected these kids who weren't even theirs. Most of them were children of divorce already and they'd only been with these 'parents' a few hours or days and already thought all the arguing was about them. That was kinda sad. If you read anything in this blog previously, you know that I'm on a magical mystery journey with the teenager I'm the legal guardian of. She turns 18 next month, but is still gonna be living with me as she starts college. I've known her since she was a kid and even though I've only had to deal with the later stages of child rearing, I feel so old. I felt all warm and fuzzy when she graduated a few months back and now she's getting set for college and I kinda understand why my mom acted the way she did when I was going off to college. I'm attached to this kid and we've only been living together seven months. I can't imagine how I'm gonna feel about my baby daughter after a full 18 years. It's been interesting and enlightening and crazy just how much I had to alter my life for someone who as pretty much developed all of her motor skills already (as in the teen). This is not at all where I thought I'd be halfway through 2008, but I guess it is where I'm meant to be. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything (although I could do without all the groping and ogling from her friends). I got to talking last night with my girlfriend about future kids. I've wanted to be a dad since I was nine years old. And then I went through a period of 'I'm not so sure'. I love kids, no doubt about that. I'm the happiest man alive when I'm goofing off with my nieces and nephews. My daughter has me completely wrapped around her little finger. But I felt like this was/is such a harsh world to bring children into. I guess the universe had other plans for me though and I couldn't be happier about that. I'm at the stage where I get all of the fun stuff, you know? Everything is new and I'm having a blast. My girlfriend (that title is back) has talked about having another one sometime soon. I don't know about that. We're still not yet on solid ground (though it's getting better all the time) and I really don't want another one now. Maybe it's another kind of selfish phase. But this time around, instead of being devoted to my own wants, I'm devoted to being with this little person and having her to myself. I think part of it is that I don't know that I could ever love anybody more than I love her. She's the one thing that I've ever done completely right in my life and, the more the merrier they say, but I really think she may be it for me. Never say never.

The Dark Knight

I was a big fan of the 'Batman' movies of the 90's and even got hooked on the way old version for awhile when I was a kid. I was never into comic books of any sort, so I only knew Batman through the movies. I don't care what anyone says, I liked the 90's movies. They were just fun, not to mention Michelle Pfeiffer was hot as Catwoman. When 'Batman Begins' came out in 2005, I wasn't at all excited to see it. I didn't wanna dip into the psychology of Batman, I mean...he's Batman, we all know why he does what he does. (What remains a mystery, however, is how no one recognizes he's Bruce Wayne once he covers the top part of his face, but I digress.) But I watched it last summer on FX, just out of sheer boredom, and actually really enjoyed it (except for Tom Cruise's pet, Katie Holmes), and have been looking forward to the sequel ever since.
In January, when Heath Ledger passed away, it hit me somewhat hard. Part of the reason was likely because I had a similar incident with perscription drugs last year that landed me in the hospital for a week. The other part is because I've always thought of him as an amazing actor. This was someone with such a rare talent to just literally become someone else for long stretches of filming. Someone who was doing what he loved and never cared at all about the accolades. And even sadder was the fact that he left behind such a beautiful daughter who will never truly know her father (that gets me a lot too). I went and saw 'The Dark Knight' this weekend, like just about every other person on the planet, and I have to say it was incredibly well done. Everyone's been talking about a possible Oscar nomination for Heath and I can't say I disagree at all. He played the role of 'The Joker' absolutely unapologetically. He was a terrorist with no rhyme or reason to what he was doing. As it's explained to Bruce Wayne, he just wanted to watch the world burn. (Why anyone would wanna live in Gotham anyway is beyond me.) And he had a point in some of his random ramblings. There is no him without the vigilante Batman. And good cannot exist without evil and what a fine line it is between the two. The make-up, the voice, the laugh...it was all perfect. Everytime he left the screen, all you wanted to do was see his next scene. Even though you know it's him playing the role, there was absolutely no sign of the man, only his character. That's damn good acting. It is a sad moment when you hear the Joker tell Batman they could be engaged in this battle forever. I could've watched them go at it for two or three more movies and it seems like the Joker was indeed set up to return in the next film. Sadly, we know he won't and walking out of the theater, that's what really got me. This movie would have made him an absolute star and given him access to any role he wanted in the future. You leave this movie wanting to see more from him. Wanting to see what he would do next. Wanting another Batman movie. And then you realize it isn't going to happen. You realize that this is it - his last full film. And what a talent we lost.

Ready, Set, Settle?

I had kind of a boring weekend but I came across something online that kinda shocked me for a second. Just because it was so right on and I hadn't even thought of it. It was an article by some shrink that pointed out that when a person isn't ready to commit, they'll find little things that aren't good about the person they're dating to start to distance themselves. Eventually, all the little "problems" with the person give you a reason to break it off. It was like this chick had watched me in my previous relationships. If I decided to apply myself at all, I would eventually find a way to f*ck it all up and find something that I didn't like about her. I always thought it was just because of the hang ups in my head but apparently the reason I did it could be because I wasn't ready to be with any one person.
I was happy to realize that I've yet to try and do any of that with the mother of my child. I typically move slow (defense mechanism, I assume) but once I feel comfortable I'm quick to settle for the moment. However our relationship has been different this time around because it began as a fling for the moment and then evolved into, well, parenthood. The first time we dated, she was in the midst of a bad divorce and I was spiraling and still very much reeling from the death of the one I loved. Not ideal conditions but we really cared about each other. And we still do, even more so because we're connected through this amazing little person (who is now 3 mos. old, by the way). She never wanted to do the marriage thing again and I never want to do it period (but don't tell my mom) so it worked. I think this relationship has become so difficult now because we've forgotten how we ended up entangled in the first place.
I take you back to a beautiful late summer day in NYC in 2003 (like my rhymes?) when I was fixing a cable on the set of a show. I was in a trailer making sure all of the connections were tight when the door open and slammed into my rear end. This gorgeous woman walks in and apologizes for hitting me. Our eyes meet, she says, 'Wow, you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in my entire life,' gives me her number and the next night we went on our first date. The conversation was perfect and the attraction was ridiculously strong. We took it slow and eventually settled into a fairly old-fashioned kind of relationship. But, of course, there are always problems. Ours was her eventual ex-husband trying to get all he could in their divorce settlement and my reluctance to deal with my dead girlfriend issues. Still, we found something in each other and we wanted to hold onto it. We even talked of (and briefly tried) to have a baby but it wasn't meant to be (at the time). About a year and a half later, our issues caught up to us and we decided to split up even though we still felt very strongly about each other. She went her way and I went mine.
After an initial cooling off period we started talking every now and then whenever we had a minute, but only as friends. Then in the middle of last year she got out of a relationship and I was single and fate threw us together again. Then came baby. We had nine months of being completely devoted to this girl and how she would change our lives but we haven't focused on each other and what it means to be together now. I think that's what's been bothering me. We haven't really had any one on one time to find out if this is where we want and need to be. We've been on auto-pilot and that's never a good thing. We need to give this a legitimate shot for each other, not just for the baby. And if it works, that's fantastic. And if it doesn't, we need to be mature enough to know that and move on. Brand new eyes.

A Night On The Town

I went to sleep early last night because I was still shaking some jet lag. At around 3 in the morning, I wake up and hear some kind of tapping outside my window, which is odd since my window is a couple of stories up. I pay no attention to it and roll over and try to go back to sleep. Then I start thinking about how weird it was that that kind of tapping woke me up so easily. I'm a fairly sound sleeper and I live in the city, and have all of my life, so I'm used to sleeping through gunshots and horns honking and all that stuff. As I'm thinking about this, more tapping outside and then my phone rings. "Do you not hear me flinging things at your window right now? Come outside." I recognized the voice and, reluctantly and only half awake, headed downstairs.
I'd never realized how dark my street can be at night. It's probably not a street you should walk down all alone. Fortunately, I had a friend along for the ride and what a ride it would turn out to be. It wasn't a voice I expected to hear when I answered the phone, the author of the letter that has caused so much of a ruckus. We decided not to talk or communicate because it was complicating things. But we can't live without each other either. So we hop into her car and just start cruising around the city. No clue where we're headed, me sitting in the passenger seat pouring out my heart about my predicament. I can't even recall where we ended up but we sat outside and talked and then it just starts to pour all of a sudden. We ran over to the doorway of a nearby building and sat there for what seemed like forever, until the rain stopped and then watched the sun come up. We eventually made our way to breakfast and then I got home around nine and got an hour of sleep in before my 14 hour day today.
Despite being totally exhausted, I wouldn't trade last night/this morning for anything. She did what no one has lately, she listened to me. My relationship with the mother of my child (yes, I've stopped using girlfriend in reference to her) is riding its rails. And I needed somewhere to go and tell all of this to. Someone who wouldn't judge it but who would just hold it and ask me what my gut is telling me to do. And now it feels like I can look at this through brand new eyes and finally come to a decision and be at peace with it. Thank you, G.

The Starbucks Incident

I went home over the weekend to visit the family and basically recharge the batteries. Every Sunday, regardless of what state or part of the world I'm in, I go to Starbucks for my coffee. Yesterday I went with two of my best friends to get coffee and one of them picked up the Times and started to look over the cover as we were waiting in line. There was something on the cover about Buddha or the caves of Buddha and friend number two asked something about Buddhism and directed the question towards me. I answered it and thought that was the end of the matter. But there was a husband and wife standing in line behind us and we heard them start whispering to each other and I could feel their eyes on us. All I could make out was the husband whispering something along the lines of, "Isn't that the terrorist religion?". Then, the wife, without any kind of warning, starts talking to me about how my "kind" of "idiot terrorist radicals shouldn't be allowed in the country," amongst other things of that nature. Before I had a chance to say anything one of my friends went off on the wife and that caused the husband to jump in. So now it's a bit of a loud arguing match between our two groups and the rest of the Starbucks junkies are all taking notice of this. Someone brings what's going on to the attention of two police officers who happened to be in the same shopping center. By the time the cops actually get into the store, it's the five of us arguing and an older Muslim man getting involved. I probably did the least amount of arguing because I just plain didn't see the point in saying much. I don't feel the need to defend my beliefs to anyone. But I have been thinking a lot about the whole thing. I don't know what irks me more - that he had no clue what he was talking about in the first place, or that anyone could be that stupid to assume that just because someone believes in a certain religion (and it's not even actually a religion), they must be a terrorist. Not to mention he stated several times that I shouldn't be allowed in the country I was born in. I don't know why you would just go off on somebody like that. They weren't provoked at all.
Eventually, the cops threatened the couple with arrest and they backed down and were escorted out at the request of the Starbucks employees. The Muslim gentlemen apologized to us for having to even put up with that guy and I don't know why he did. It wasn't his fault and I think he had every right to jump into the fray the way he did. We got our coffee and headed out of the shop and on the way out, a woman handed me some kind of pamphlet or magazine about Jesus and then asked if she could introduce him to me. Slightly taken aback, I just told her we'd already met but thanks for the offer. Who asks to introduce someone to Jesus at a Starbucks? I guess it just served to prove to me that not everyone's as open-minded as I wish they were. I live in New York, one of the most diverse states in the world, and I've never had anything like this happen before. And I didn't expect it to happen in my home state either, since it is also very diverse. But we were closer to the burbs and further from the city, so maybe that has something to do with it. The whole situation was ridiculous and the lady offering me "salvation" at the door just topped it all off. Then, this morning I saw a story on CNN about South Carolina wanting to offer Christian license plates to its citizens. The network took calls to see what their viewers thought about the idea. A few said that it was a violation of the whole church and state separation and that if they're only offering plates to that one religious group, than it shows a bias that shouldn't exist. I agree. One lady called up and went on a live on the air rant about the separation of church and state being the problem with our country and that there should be no separation and if all of the people who don't believe in God would only read the bible, than they would know that it is truth and America could be a Christian country again. Even the news anchor taking the call looked shocked at the rant. Unfortunately, I wasn't. I expected someone to call up and say something like that. She's the kind of chick that gives people the illusion that all the people who share her faith are just like her and I know that's not true. That's part of why this country is great in the first place. You can worship or not worship whatever speaks to you freely, even though it doesn't seem like that sometimes. I don't have a problem in the world with any other religion but I do have a problem when people try to force their religion on me or take on the philosophy of "find God or go to hell". I've actually been told that before. Fortunately, I don't believe in the Christian version of hell so it didn't really offend me. I think one's faith should be their own thing. If someone wants to know more about yours and asks you to have a conversation about it, cool, let's talk. If they want to just assume and call you names, don't waste your time or your breath. That's the view I took in this whole thing. The sad thing is that this guy is just gonna keep walking around with his views and then likely pass those on to his kids and the cycle could just continue that way. That's unfortunate.

Determination To Be Free

"The attitude of aspiring to be free from all problems and sufferings and to attain liberation"

That's where I want to be. That's where I feel like I'm on my way to and have been for quite some time and lately I've kinda fallen off the wagon and let things get to me that shouldn't. I've let people get to me and I shouldn't. This is new territory for me because I'm not one to care what anyone thinks about my decisions but lately it's been like everyone's eyes are on me just waiting for the f*ck up. Maybe I was too. But not anymore. I was free a few months ago. No problems and no sufferings at all. And a part of me is free, the part that is insanely in love with my daughter. But I want total freedom.
I didn't sleep well last night but I did have a dream that brought me to my senses a bit. This ex that I've contemplated letting back into my life has obviously weighed on me a lot lately. Somehow she's found her way into every corner of my brain and it's been hard to get away from the whole situation. Last night's dream, I think, was actually a warning. It was this photo album of everywhere I've been with this person and all of the places we could go. It reminded me of what I felt then and as I woke up, I felt nothing. Except nauseous. I take that to be a bad sign. So I've decided to not go back into this right now. I wish her the best and I know exactly what she's going through but I can't be there right now. I need to get back to where I was before a few months ago when she came back in my life.

The Letter

That damn letter just brings up more and more crap for me. I wrote it to move on and it hasn't helped me do that at all. Maybe because the feelings I put down weren't complete. There was no finality to it at all because...well, I don't know how to put an end to it. If I knew that, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. The reply to my letter is something I've tried not to read but find myself going back to every few days and thinking over what it says. It's interesting how sometimes those closest to you point out things you never knew. Sometimes they're wrong. They say that you're one way when you're really not. Other times, they point out things you never even thought of but subconsciously always knew. I've been mulling through my subconscious a lot lately. No one has ever gotten me and gotten under my skin more than the author of this reply. No one has even come close. I can't really explain just what it is or if it's a bad thing. But as much as I want to be rid of it, I just can't. What bugs me more than anything is that if I were on the outside looking in on my situation, I would tell myself to walk away and never think about it again. That's the right thing to do. But I can't force myself to do it. I've been told many times that I get bored easily. Bored with my relationships, with life in general, with my work. And when I do, I move on to the next thing I wanna do. I think it's probably apparent to the women I date, fairly early on, that there's a chance it's not gonna work because of my boredom tendency. I don't dispute that at all. Hell, there's times I don't even try and she does all the work and then when it starts to fade away, I just watch it go. No one's seemed worth the trouble the last few years. Then this person came around and she was soooooo worth it but I had already made my bed with someone else and we had a baby.
And it's hard for me to trust. How well can you truly ever know someone? You can never know everything about anyone. It's not just trust issues though, as this letter pointed out. It's some kind of fear. Fear of marriage and realizing that all the old wives tales about it are true. And yet, still fearing the alternative of never actually finding anybody. It's not like I'm old or anything, but as your friends start to settle and have kids, you start to look at the whole thing differently. I don't want anyone who's gonna put a leash on me and try and control me and I know that's a cop out. To read the words of someone you still love, and shouldn't love, and have them tell you that a part of them felt unsafe with you the entire time you were together is tough. I never knew until now. I've been told by many an ex that they're both scared of and attracted to me. I'm not a bad boy but I can sort of see where those kind of remarks would come from. There's like this wall I put up whenever I sense someone might be getting too close to me in a relationship. It's almost like flipping the switch for your armor to go up on a spaceship or something. I don't wanna be this way.
And I never realized that maybe not all of my needs were being met in any relationship I've ever been in. The one you're in love with should be someone you go to with and for everything. You shouldn't have to try too hard, it should just fit. And that's my problem. This person and I just fit. I didn't have to try at all and I felt comfortable with her. And, even worse, all of my needs were being met. I'm a very sensitive person and it's not something that's common knowledge. Unless I really know you and trust you, it's not a side you get to see. For many, if not all, of my past relationships, I've been the rock and the non-worrier. I thought that was okay. But it's not okay for the long run. I need someone who gets that I need my off days too. I don't wanna be the rock, the one holding it all together all of the time. I need to stop just patching up the holes in my life and going for the quick fixes. I need to make a decision here and I don't know what to do. Every little thing in me wants to reach for this person and never let them go this time. The part of me that's succeeding in keeping my distance is getting smaller everyday (though you know I would never cheat). I wonder how much longer I can keep that small part at bay. It seems like I'm fighting an inevitability. No matter how hard I fight it, something's going to happen. Maybe I'm fighting because I know that the people I love aren't going to agree with my decision to stop fighting. But it really isn't about them, is it? It's about my happiness, in the end. And it's about trust and whether I can trust this person again. People do stupid things when they're young and they handle things differently. I'm as guilty of that as anyone else. And I have questions in my mind about what happened the first time and what's supposed to happen now. Nothing happens without you playing a part in making it happen. No conditions are ever permanent and I wonder if this isn't just how this is supposed to go down, you know? Everyone says how things should be and what I should feel but no one knows for sure that this isn't where we should be right now. Maybe I am an idiot but I can't turn my feelings on and off. And no one currently telling me that I'm an idiot knows the complete story, though I doubt that anything would change if they did.
*sigh*...This is just too complicated. I wish I had someone who could just listen to the facts and decide. Like a judge. Let's just lay it all out there and see what an unrelated party thinks of it all. But it can never be like that. Some decisions have to be made on your own. And that sucks.