No Means No

I've blogged before about this online dating business and the stigma about it and so on. But until recently I didn't know just how different an experience it could be for women. I feel just a little but like a whiner now. I've witched and moaned about the messages I get; some just say 'hi', some throw out cheesy lines (didn't even know chicks used lines), but none have been sexual in tone. Some are clever, some are just nice messages and the person has a nice profile so I respond. Until yesterday, ironically, I had never had anyone send me a message because I looked at their profile and didn't respond to the message. I don't get that practice at all. If I'm not interested, do you really think your bombarding me with more messages is gonna grab my interest?
But what I deal with is nothing compared to the stories my female friends have. I've heard and joked about the 'weirdos' (as we call them) that the ladies sometimes (okay, often) have to deal with. These are the guys who write weird stuff or overtly sexual stuff, usually in their first message. My best friend joined up a few days ago and in only two days she has gotten 14 messages (yes, she is that good looking). One guy caught her fancy (or maybe seemed the least weird) and she replied to him. Three guys marked her as a favorite and she wrote to one of them. Three had completely empty profiles so she didn't respond. So far, we're 2 for 7. Three guys mentioned that they would be a good match for her because they're of the same ethnic background (a background she debated listing at all cuz she wasn't sure she wanted the guys it would bring). One wrote a long ass, creepy message about her eyes and how they intrigued him and he could tell what she was like by looking at them. She didn't respond to him either. Yet another guy claimed he's still working on finishing college, yet he makes a million dollars a year. (Right. And my daughter is gonna actually get a monkey for her birthday next week.) But the final dude took the cake; he sent a message asking if she dates his ethnicity and she checked out his profile. When she didn't write back immediately upon viewing his profile he sent another message asking why she didn't like him and pointing out that he's dated women with kids before (as if that were the issue here). She wrote back saying she just wasn't interested but it had nothing to do with color and he sent a long winded message back about how people are still so close minded to interracial relationships and how he doesn't "shun out women that already have children". WTF? Then last night he sends yet another message saying his name and that he'd like to get to know her. This morning, another message about how the weather sucks and then asking her to write back. I told her to block him if he contacts her again.
It's funny how different the experiences can be. A female friend mentioned that I should give the women who just write 'hi' a break because they're probably intimidated by my profile. I guess I get that, but then I've written to women who seemed intimidating. I don't know if that's a chick v. dude thing or not. I know some guys are all kindsa intimidated by women who are smarter/further along in life but I didn't know I could intimidate anybody. But in a way it makes sense since the messages I get worth replying to are from women who are what I refer to as 'smart girls' (PhD's, etc.). Smart girls don't seem to be intimidated by much. I like that. But now I'm wondering if there are any 'smart guys' that exist or if my best friend has already seen the best that site has to offer.

Suckage

So I have this friend in the midst of a ridiculously long divorce and custody battle. It's a major source of stress obviously and I wish nothing but the best for her and her child but I can't help being struck by how stupid this particular court system is. I've written before about family court being useless, how judges make decisions about your child's life knowing little or nothing about the parties involved. This case could be the poster child for jaded judges and half-assed parents being rewarded for bothering to show up at all. The father of this kid, if I may be frank, is an ass. He knows how to get under the skin of this friend and he exploits whatever he can to try and maintain control over both mother and child. He's fighting for joint custody even though he's told this friend that he doesn't want the kid to live with him for any stretch of time. What he wants is basically what he has now; a couple of overnights and dinners a month. And he more often than not cancels the overnights. Basically it's all for show on his part, yet the court is praising him for being a part of the child's life while the mother, who has raised the kid on her own and had to track "dad" down for visits before this court business, is being admonished by the judge for refusing to play nice. It's as if this judge wants both parties to agree to joint custody so she can get this case off the docket and move on. Another day at the office, who cares how people's lives are affected. No concern about what's best for the child at all. That seriously pisses me off.
Chances are, no matter how the court rules, the ass is gonna be out the door and down the block before the ink is dry on the custody agreement. It's all for show, all for attention and, his contribution to the dragging out of the court process, is all about control. Somehow he's ended up with the upper hand and he's done nothing. This is one of those cases where you can do everything right and still get screwed, as this friend of mine has. The one who truly knows and wants what's best for the child is being threatened and harassed (by a judge, no less) for refusing to compromise. There's no reason for this judge to think that this is a case of one parent trying to force out the other one and she shouldn't be assuming that it is without any proof (proof in a court of law, what a concept). It also pisses me off that the court doesn't take any of this guy's bad behavior into account; the canceled visits, not really spending quality time with the kid when he does show up for a visit, not having a steady job. Not to mention the fact that the kid has had some behavior issues since the visits began and also has trouble behaving once she returns from them. *sigh* It sucks. It sucks that this is the only avenue there is to sort things out. It sucks that this judge can't do her job right. It sucks that this guy doesn't appreciate that his kid adores him and wants nothing but his attention. And it sucks that doing the right thing can bite you in the ass.

Beautiful Progress

Com·pli·ment n.

1. An expression of praise, admiration, or congratulation.
2. To show fondness, regard, or respect for by giving a gift or performing a favor.
3. an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration.

I should start this post out by saying that I cannot take a compliment to save my life. I don't know why, but they make me uncomfortable. It really doesn't matter who is paying them; friends, girlfriends, family, strangers. I do my best to change the subject whenever compliments are paid to me. I'm sure it's annoying to the people who are paying them too. So much so that a number of my friends have stopped paying 'em at all. Others only pay 'em in writing (think a birthday or holiday card). One friend says that just because compliments make me uncomfortable doesn't mean she can't pay 'em to me. Another friend refuses to stop paying 'em at all and instead follows every one up with, "Just shut up and take the compliment." And I do. Because she's borderline scary when she says it. I guess it's weird that I don't like compliments since they're generally meant to make you feel good. When they're genuine (cuz let's face it, some aren't) they can turn your entire day around. Who doesn't wanna hear about how hot/nice they look or how smart/funny they are? Me, that's who. I have heard some crazy flattering things in my time and most were probably sincere (least that's the story I'm sticking to), so it would seem to make no sense for me to not be able to take compliments.
I was wracking my brain about why I can't just say "thank you" and move on when someone says something nice to me and I think I may have pinpointed the source of this quirk. When my ex-fiancee and I started dating we had a moment I still remember clear as day. We were wired after having had this amazing night out at an amusement park and we were sitting on this huge couch. I reached over the side to move something and when I looked back up she was staring at me. I said, "What?" in this tone of 'quit staring at me, weirdo' and she said, "You're just..." and she trailed off like she couldn't think of the word. A few seconds later she came back to finish her sentence, "...beautiful." I recoiled cuz I always thought of that as more of a chick word but then she explained that no other adjective was strong enough in her mind. That became her nickname for me as time went on and honestly, I kinda dug it. Then came the beyond bitter end and suddenly that word lost all meaning. She'd paid me so many compliments, both while dating and when we were just friends, but since our entire relationship had been a lie I now chalked them all up as lies.
Flash forward to '07 and my then-girlfriend and I cleaning up after brunch. I don't recall what I said or did to warrant it but she smiled at me and said, "You are such a beautiful man." Just hearing that word again took me back to my ex and almost made me sick. I explained my negative reaction to her and she thought for a second before saying she was gonna change the negative connotation that word had for me. And she did. And now that word doesn't bother me at all cuz I associate it with only good things. That same girlfriend also showered me with (sincere) compliments in an attempt to show me that not all compliments are lies. That part apparently didn't take at the time, but maybe there is hope after all.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine got her blog up and running and one of her first posts was about friends and singled out a handful of the people closest to her. I got my very own paragraph telling the world how much she loves me and as soon as I saw my name, I expected to be wildly uncomfortable while reading. Instead, it was a relatively painless process. Which was a total shock to me. This is how my paragraph ended; "Even as we stumble through our lives, he has restored my faith in everything from cupcakes to tool belts and kazoos...in men, in fathers, in fairytales and even the healing power of love." Now I don't know how I did all that (except for the cupcakes thing cuz everybody knows I love me some cupcakes), but it's flattering to know I've had an impact on her life. I think maybe it also didn't make me uncomfortable cuz of the comment about fathers. I have my issues and I'm far from perfect but I know I am a good dad. And it makes me happy that others can see I'm good at it. It's not like anyone else's opinion matters but the one area I've never squirmed about receiving compliments in is when they involve my daughter. So maybe there is some progress being made in this department.
The same friend who wrote about me in her blog also once told me that everybody is a work in progress and I'm no different. And I often think about those words when I get frustrated with myself. So I can honestly say she has had a big impact on my life as well. I mean, we fight like an old married couple and that won't ever change. But I know she has my back and she knows I have hers. In fact, I probably owe her more credit than I've given her so far cuz she's taught me that there's nothing wrong with stumbling through life. And just because you're stumbling doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Something I don't think I could've learned from anyone else and I am thankful for both her and the lesson. I have no problem paying compliments where they're due.

Where Are They Now?

I did not realize that I have been out of high school for (just over) ten years until yesterday. Last night I went out with some family and friends and ran into a former classmate of mine at a sports bar. I didn't recognize her at all, we weren't friends but she was in the same clique as my best friend's younger sister. She said she recognized me by my eyes (I get that a lot, apparently I have very distinguishable eyes) and we chatted for a few minutes and then she said, "Isn't it depressing that we've been out of high school for a DECADE??". Now that I have lived with that comment for a few hours, I have decided yes. Yes, it is depressing.
High school was really not all that fun for me. I went to a typical inner city high school, diverse but probably 95% Hispanic, and I was a decent student. I made honor roll my sophomore year (only because none of my friends were in any of my classes, which I still think was some kinda conspiracy) and pulled mostly B's and C's the rest of the way. I didn't play sports, even though I had played baseball since I was a kid because my focus was on writing and music. During my stellar sophomore year I got into a program that let me spend half of my day doing normal schooling and the other half working in film. (The funny thing is that I never intended to be in that particular program, it was my second pick but somehow got marked as my first and, what do ya know, I found I have a passion for it). As far as friends I wasn't super popular but I had my group (not to mention my million family members who went to the same school) and I enjoyed hanging out with them. It was a decent experience but I spent most of my four years looking forward to college and spending my time studying something I was passionate about.
I'm still friends with pretty much everyone that mattered to me in high school, some of them went to college with me. None of us attended our ten year high school reunion. I know most people like to go to flaunt where they are ten years later but I didn't even feel the need to do that. If you have to throw it in somebody's face then how good can it really be? Plus, I've managed to hear about most of my class as well as the classes a few years before and after me via FB anyway. So I know what they've been up to (though the reverse is not true since my FB is locked down and not searchable). It really makes you think when you see these people (in pictures) ten years later and hear what they're up to.
The little 'Mean Girls' clique of our school were a year younger than me. I don't know if I'd say they were as intense as the movie, or even if they were truly mean, but it was obvious they were the group everyone was supposed to wanna be in. There were about eight or so members of their little clique and I know of at least three who had crushes on me but never said anything to my face (I wasn't cool enough to openly have a crush on apparently). I ended up being a manager for the girls basketball team for two years, which most of them were on, but I don't remember saying two words to any of them. The one I ran into last night was most definitely the leader of the pack and she works as a spokesmodel now. You know that scene in 'Romy & Michele' where they go back and all of the popular girls are knocked up and "happy" with their husbands? I half expected that with this bunch but, amazingly, no one is a parent or a wife and all but one of them have their degrees. All have managed to make friends with some of the kids they once wouldn't even consider befriending (the one I talked to last night is now BFF's with one of my friends I used to get in trouble in art class). In fact, they're probably some of the most successful members of of any of the graduating classes our school ever produced.
Then there are the acquaintances I used to keep in high school. The kids I wasn't really friends with but would talk to in this class or that one (like the art class friend). They're all over the map in terms of where their lives are now. A few are in the army, some preparing for deployment as medics. The rest are either married with kids or single with kids. One is in med school, another is out in California working for a Division 1 college. But most still live in the city they grew up in.
A few years ago I ran into someone I went to kindergarten with, lost touch with for two years and then we ended up at the same high school together. We fell out of contact after graduation, she's a single mother of a daughter now. I remember thinking about how thrilled her parents must have been to hear that news since she was raised in a super religious household. Another person I hung out with a lot is working with wildlife in Australia and I was surprised that she even went to college since school was not her environment at all. One of the girls I briefly dated in high school has a daughter and, by year's end, an ex-husband. That's what surprises more than anything is how many of my ex-classmates have already been married and divorced. It's surprising how many of those who had plans to do this or that are now single parents.
As for my little community of friends, all are college graduates (which is huge where we come from) and there are only six babies amongst the group. All of us have breezed in and out of long-term relationships and some of us dated in high school but have found amazing friendships since our break-ups. No divorces to speak of, but one annulment and a number of broken engagements (again, some with each other but those friendships seem to endure).
Am I where I thought I'd be ten years after graduation (which I missed because of a prank I pulled that went wrong and well...yeah, you don't get to walk with your class when that happens)? I can honestly say that no, I am not. I expected to be married with babies by now. Instead I'm single with a toddler and a teenager. I'm nowhere near where I expected but I am more content that I ever thought I could be. That's more than enough.

Freedom & Faith

Two years ago I woke up with this overwhelming desire to get a new tattoo. I hadn't been thinking about getting a new one anytime soon but I walked into a shop later that day and got the words 'Freedom' and 'Faith' tattooed on my back. Freedom because it's something that's always been very important to me and that I'm gonna always need to have to be happy. Faith because I believe it'll get you through any and everything in life. They're constant reminders of two basic things I need to maintain my balance in life. Prior to becoming a father I don't know that I woulda agreed that freedom could co-exist with child rearing but then came single parenthood, which can allow a fair amount of freedom sometimes. But that's with one kid. I imagine the freedom declines when you have more kids.
Doing what's best for the kids. I think that's the measure of a good parent. Obviously very few people are completely selfless but hey, nobody's perfect. You'll never achieve perfection in life, which is something you learn when you have kids. I've been thinking a lot about kids and family the past month or so, most of which I've put down here. I've even been having dreams about it. In most of them I'm either the father of three kids or the father of two with a third on the way. And, in the dreams, I am ridiculously happy about being a full blown family man. But when I wake up in this life I'm mildly terrified about the scenario in my dreams. We're talking a suffocating fear of actually having more kids and that stable family environment. I know it's not because I'm afraid of kids, I love being a dad and I know I'm good at it. Isn't that what we're supposed to strive for? The happy family life with 2.5 kids, a dog and a white picket fence? But for some reason the thought of all that domesticity makes me nervous.
Above all, I want my daughter to feel safe and happy and grow up in a loving environment. Does she have that now, even with just the two of us? I hope so. Even if it is just the two of us, that still qualifies as a family (I hate when people say you need two parents to make an official family). But this is not how I pictured parenthood. The ideal for most people is to fall for someone, have kids and raise your family together. And I used to want that but then the person I wanted it with left and it lost it's appeal. It's hard to explain what I want other than to say I'm hopeful my story goes similarly to my sister's; partner she's still madly in love with, three kids, two dogs and she's managed to maintain her independence. So I know it's possible to have a family and still have that freedom and yet it still scares me.
Having thought about it for a few weeks now, I think these dreams keep coming cuz at least some part of me wants my daughter to have a sibling. And I kinda feel pressure about that (from myself) cuz it's highly unlikely her 43-year-old, increasingly erratic mother will give her one. So it's like it's on me to make it happen. Don't misunderstand me though, I don't think it's a problem for her to grow up without any sibs, especially since she has cousins she's extremely close to. But at least some part of me feels like we'd both be happier with that traditional happy family. But here's the conundrum - how does one give their child the happy home environment (say, me, a step-mother (though I don't like that term), maybe some sibs) without losing their independence completely? That's the part I'm stuck on. Is the key to that scenario ending up with someone equally scared of losing their independence? Or is the reverse true and I need someone who has dreamed about that their entire life and has no fear of it and can reassure me that it can be done? *sigh* Those be the million dollar questions.

Dealmakers/Dealbreakers

Everyone's heard the so-called "relationship experts" (WTF is that anyway?) say that you should have a clear list of things you absolutely cannot live with in a long-term romantic relationship. These are called dealbreakers and it makes perfect sense to have them. In the other corner we have the much less discussed dealmakers or traits that you have to have in a relationship. Sound like the same thing? I thought so too but there is actually a difference. Dealmakers are the non-negotiable things that you look for from the start and if they're not there, you don't pursue the relationship. Dealbreakers are things you get into further down the line, usually when talk of long-term commitment comes into play. They still sound the same to me but more than a few friends have assured me that's not the case.
So as I lie awake in thought the other night, I wondered what my dealmakers and dealbreakers are. But I got sidetracked and started thinking about what exactly it is that draws me in, something most of the women I've dated have had in common. Well, they were all hot (a friend and I joked that 'hot' is the only requirement for our partners, which makes us sound like horny college kids). Or at least I thought they were hot at the time (looking back, there are a couple 'WTF was I thinking?!' moments in there). Beyond that, they were all generous, they weren't clingy and they challenged me. All of that drew me in but it also took smarts and her having her own life outside us to keep it going. So I guess those would be my dealmakers, right? Makes sense and I don't think any of them are outta control or unattainable.
The thing I've had trouble with is figuring out my dealbreakers. I'm sure I know them and have used them before but what they are escapes me at the moment. Oh yeah, here's one (maybe) - blab all our biz in the streets and that's a major dealbreaker. Our relationship is between you and me, not you and me and your friends. (I'm talking about in detail stuff, not saying she can't talk to anyone about what's going on). Someone who doesn't like kids wouldn't get a second look from me for obvious reasons but that was actually a dealbreaker even before I was a father. A relatively new dealbreaker would be someone who wants to get married or is on the fence about marriage. I was on the fence for awhile but now that I've officially crossed over to 'Nope', I couldn't be with anyone who was secretly hoping I would change my mind. I'm sure I'll think of other ones as I go along but those are the ones that jump out at me. I don't do lists of traits someone has to have cuz no one ever gets everything they want in a partner. But obviously there are things you're drawn to (consciously or not). But that's a post for another day, kids.

(Not So) Secret Lovers

I tend to be one of the go to advice givers amongst my friends and some of family members. I don't usually dish out advice unless asked because it annoys the hell outta me when people do that. So I have been all kindsa silent about the three of my friends involved in (supposedly) no strings sex situations. One has asked for advice and one has talked to me about their situation but didn't ask my opinion (which is just as well cuz they'd do whatever the hell they wanted anyway). And although I worry about what's gonna happen with both of them, I know they can handle whatever's around the corner. They're both strong and know what's what in their situations. The third friend involved in a no strings situation is the one that concerns me the most.
Friend number three is a great guy who just has not had a ton of luck in life and two years ago thought he had met the one for him (the second one anyway, he was engaged in his early twenties but she passed away). This chick was almost perfect for him and she was someone I'd known since high school so I was all for them getting together. But almost doesn't count. She cheated on him, then lied about it and then cheated on him again in his apartment and didn't bother to make excuses when he walked in on them. That was last year but I know he's still reeling from all that went down, it's obvious when you're around him that he's missing the spark he used to have. He wants marriage and kids and the whole happy family life he never got to live out growing up and no one can fault him for that.
Last week he showed up in an unusually chipper mood and I was hoping it was a sign that he was coming out of his funk. Instead, he tells me his good mood is the result of a new relationship he'd entered but he didn't elaborate and I didn't ask who she was. Come to find out she's a woman we're both friends with and she's in the midst of a nasty divorce from an extremely unpredictable man. They're fighting over custody of their son and the husband, deadbeat that he is, is really only making a big deal of things because he can. He doesn't want the kid and has rarely been there for him through the first 8 years of his life. But he is borderline crazy and that worries me because I don't think my friend is thinking clearly at the moment about this. Yes, it's supposedly just sex but I know what he's like when he's really into someone and I'm seeing all those signs now. She's told him that they can't be public about what they're doing and that she'd rather not discuss the future cuz it's likely along ways away since the divorce is just now heating up. She's especially nervous about her estranged husband finding out about it, which worries me like you wouldn't believe. I want my friend to be happy, he deserves it, but I don't want it to come at the cost he may be looking at right now. And I've expressed my concerns, as have other friends, and he's heard them out but made it clear he's not backing off the affair. So...I know it's his decision and I'll support him either way cuz my love isn't conditional but...I really, REALLY hope I'm wrong about his continuing with this relationship being a big mistake.

Let Us Die Young or Let Us Live Forever

Five years ago my best friend's mom was diagnosed with cancer. Doctors treated it aggressively and within a year she went into remission. Two years later it recurred but again, aggressive treatment sent the cancer back into remission. Yesterday came word that she's sick again and this time the cancer has spread and the prognosis is not good. A year, at the most. And even though it wasn't completely unexpected news, it's still hit hard. A lot harder than I thought it would actually. This is one of those cases of wanting to fix everything but not being able to actually do anything. The best thing for me to do is be there for the people I love and I know that but somehow that doesn't seem like enough.
I've mentioned this story before (in detail, I think) but I feel the need to tell it again in an attempt to deal with my emotions. I was the most unexpected baby in the world. My mom was told she was unable to get pregnant but then found out she was expecting my sister. Nine and a half months later, my mom and my godmother were shocked when the doctor delivered my sister and told them there was 'another one' yet to be delivered. Having been unexpected and smashed behind my sister the entire time, I had some minor health problems that kept me in and out of the hospital. When I was three months old, I ended up in the NICU with pneumonia and that is where I "met" my best friend. She was a newborn with lung issues and we were parked next to each other for a few weeks while we both recovered. Her mom was still in a hospital bed herself because of the difficult delivery (some things never change, her firstborn is still difficult) so her dad spent the majority of his days in the NICU and struck up a friendship with my mom. This coulda been a case of everyone losing touch once they were discharged but for some reason our parents chose to keep in touch, partially because we didn't live that far from each other. I could never thank the universe enough for that decision.
I essentially grew up with two female bodyguards. Every major (or minor) life event I've had, my sister and my best friend have been there to either root me on or pick up the pieces. My sister's life took major turns just out of high school but rather than feeling left out or left behind, I coped surprisingly well because my best friend and I were on the same path. We were joined at the hip during high school and roommates during college and beyond. Over the years many people have commented that our relationship probably intimidates the people we go out with and I'm sure that's true on some level. But honestly, the people who we've fallen for and/or attempted long-term commitments with have all been able to get past that and accept that we're kind of a package deal. We live our own lives but we've never had to live them without each other. Believe me, I know how rare what we have is and I'm incredibly appreciative of it because I wouldn't have made it through the worst of times without her. It just hit me the other day that I've had the same best friend, without question and with very few arguments, for almost 30 years. We musta done something pretty kick ass in our last lives to be able to have each other in these ones.
Our history and our bond is what makes it so difficult to deal with everything going on now. I love her and I love her family, they're my family too. Her mom and my best friend's younger sister are incredibly close, whereas she's always been closer to her father. And her father has always been a special dude in my life, we're also very close. But both of her parents have always treated me like I was their own son. Her mother and I have had some interesting conversations over the years and I recall one in particular when her illness recurred the first time. It really made me think and, in a way, it was almost as if she'd come to terms with the fact that she wasn't meant to be in this life for much longer. We talked about the pros and cons of knowing how and when you were going to die. I was still a wanderer at the time and some days I felt like I wasn't long for this earth either. I said then that I would want to know when and how I was gonna die cuz I could have time with the people I love. I never thought about what it would be like to be on the opposite side, to be one of those loved ones prepping to say goodbye to someone who has been there your entire life. And I can't even try to imagine what it's like for her daughters and her husband.
No matter how much time she has left, it's never gonna be enough. But then, our time on this earth is always considered too short. The most striking thing about that conversation I had with her was how at peace she was with the entire situation. So much so that I had to ask her if she would actually be okay with dying (if there is such a thing). She said her life had been well lived, had been more than she ever imagined it could be. She'd come to the States, married her best friend, had two beautiful daughters who grew up to be wonderful, giving women and she'd kept good company. She said the loss of my girlfriend was a tragedy because she was young and never got a chance to live a full life. But that her own passing shouldn't be mourned in the same way, rather accepted as part of the natural order and celebrated because she had lived happily and received more than she deserved. I'll try to keep that in mind as things progress and, even more importantly, try to live my own life the same way. One thing's for sure, I have that 'keep very good company' part of the equation down already.

What do you do when someone you love more than words can even express is going through the worst time of their life? So far, the answer appears to be nothing. There's nothing I can do to make it better or make it go away or...NOTHING. And that's annoying and...it pisses me off that I can't do anything. No words are gonna make it better. I have the worst feeling that I know what's coming, we both do, but I know I can't stop it. And that sucks. The whole situation sucks.

Blowback

Remember a little post entitled 'S-EX' that mentioned sex with an ex is usually a wee bit safer than hooking up with a stranger? Yeah, well...maybe not so much. The ex mentioned in that post informed me that a past partner of hers turned up positive with some nasty stuff. This former partner was apparently sick before the ex and I dated the first time (back in '07) so I'm sure everything is gonna turn out fine for both of us. It's really more a precautionary test than anything else and not my first time at this rodeo (I had to get tested a few years back after a blood transfusion). But it serves as a reminder of something a lot of people forget - safety first.

I'm Tellin' Ya'll, It's Sabotage

I mentioned to a friend the other day that I seem to be deathly allergic to my own happiness. Not surprisingly she agreed with me but added that this was not always the case. It's only since the loss of my girlfriend that I've had issues with accepting happiness in my life. The most obvious way this little problem manifests itself is in (of course) my relationships. Since I'm lousy at those in general (I think, friends think my problem is that I just refuse to take my own good advice) it's taken a minute for me to discover my aversion to happiness. I think in some ways I feel like I don't deserve it so whenever I get close to genuine happiness, I sabotage it. Usually I throw out my bad qualities or force a fight about something in an attempt to make her break the whole thing off. Over the years a few women have taken the bait but others have dug in and refused to let me fall into my self-sabotage routine. Women who did the latter pissed me off and kept me interested all at the same time cuz I was doing something I didn't wanna do, yet I was fascinated by their refusal to leave me. Obviously, all those relationships eventually ended anyway but I do think I learned more from the relationships with women who chose to stick it out.
The crazy thing is that I can't even figure out the exact moment when I started being unable (or unwilling, or both) to accept when things are going well. A lifetime ago I was one of those people who could just go with the flow; bad stuff just rolled right off of me and I embraced all the good stuff I could get my hands on. And now...well, I'm still very go with the flow but it's like I get...I don't know, I guess freaked out when there's nothing wrong. That's not normal, right? I mean, typically people take the good and hope it lasts as long as possible and they're happy. That's what I want and that's what I need to start working towards. The 'how' I am still figuring out. But I will get there eventually. Little victories, ya'll.

Baby Fever

This could be nothing but I figure I should put it down anyway as a reminder to myself. My daughter is still mildly convinced I'm actively working on getting her a sister, even though I've explained that's not exactly right. Tuesday afternoon I went to the grocery store to pick up some stuff for a birthday party and the lady in line in front of me was taking for-freakin'-ever to pay (by check...who does that anymore?! Old people, that's who. And for some reason they can't write ANYTHING on the check, not the date, not the store name, until they get the total amount...but I digress). This lady had the cutest little boy sitting in the basket and he started talking to me (as best he could, he was only about 2) about his new toy. No big deal, I thought, cuz I'm a sucker for anything baby (animals, clothes, toys).
Wednesday afternoon I go to lunch with my mom and in the booth behind us is a little dude who couldn't have been older than 4 who was just fascinated with my sunglasses (which were hanging on the back of my shirt). He would look at himself in them and then asked if he could hold them (a 4-year-old who asks before taking, sign me up for that). He put 'em on his face and looked around the restaurant and then turned around and ate his lunch. This turned the convo between my mom and I into one about kids, where she clarified that the only reason she asks me about having more is because kids seem to genuinely make me happy and I'm good with them. And that is very true.
Yesterday I went to pick up the cake for this birthday party, hauling with me no less than six kids. Yes, SIX KIDS, my daughter, two nieces and three nephews. So we're all waiting in this long ass line and I can like feel eyes on me from somewhere but I figure I'm just paranoid and ignore it. Then this chick gets in line behind us and says I don't look old enough to have six kids and I totally took the bait (gotta love compliments that include the words 'you don't look old enough' right?). We talked for a few and then my group got to the counter to order and the employee at the counter (an older women) also made a comment about the kids and added that my wife lucked out if I was able to handle them all on my own (I was sporting a ring on that finger). Then she asked when we were going for 'lucky number seven' since I obviously loved kids and they loved me. And I'm wondering if it's possible that total strangers can sense some vibe I'm giving off that other peeps can't. Cuz this is not the first time I've heard something like that from a stranger. These baby-related incidents could also just all be coincidence, I know. But it's...I don't know, something.

Feelings

I know that I'm generally a very affectionate dude. I love hugs and I try and make it a point to tell the people I love how I feel since I now know for a fact that this life could all go up in smoke any minute. An area in which I could use some improvement is in expressing how I feel. Typically, my mentality is that if I feel it, I say it, especially when it comes to my daughter. But lately (well, I guess the past year or so actually) I've had trouble putting it all out there. Obviously a part of it has to do with my having put myself out there in the past and being ridiculed or whatever for saying how I felt. But it's begun to creep in even with people I'm super comfortable with who I know would never minimize my feelings or make fun of me for how I feel. I can count on two hands the number of people who have aided in my uncomfortableness around feelings. A few are family, a couple of friends and a few were girlfriends. I don't think a single one knows that they've had a hand in it. And that's probably my fault for not speaking up when I felt the way I did but I've always internalized more than I should so it kinda makes sense. The more intense the feelings, the harder they are to express so you can imagine how uncomfortable I get when really feel something. But I'm glad I've been able to keep this in check with my daughter cuz I never want her to feel like I'm aloof around her or that I don't love her more than anything or anyone in the universe. Still, I wonder if this is a part of my putting the 'sex with an ex' thing on repeat, rather than going for the love thing that I actually want. I mean, to be in love and be happy you have to express those feelings to the other person. And be willing to accept love back into your life. Yep...that would be the ideal thing. Hope to get there sooner rather than later.

Get In, Get Off, Get Out

Under the very best of circumstances, a no-strings sexual relationship is about both parties getting theirs and then going on about their days and lives. Sounds easy, sounds fun and the appeal is that it's uncomplicated. But as I explored in a recent post, it doesn't always work out that way. Feelings get caught, things get messy, and then someone gets hurt. There are all kinds of ways to try and do the sex without strings thing; friends with benefits, "taking a lover" (yeah, that term kinda makes me laugh too) and even just random hook-ups could all qualify. The danger of FWB is that you usually have to have a VERY strong friendship and foundation before you bring the sex into it or else you more often than end up not being friends when the sex stops. The appeal of just having a lover, not a friend really but just someone you're attracted to on a physical level, is that it seems to pose little threat since you seem so unconnected to each other. But that's no guarantee someone won't catch feelings. Random hook ups obviously pose potential higher health risks but almost no risk of feelings coming into play since they're usually not more than a once or twice thing.
I've done all three forms of supposed sex without strings and all have backfired (some rather fantastically) and blown up in my face. Whether it be catching feelings for someone I was only supposed to be a lover to or hurting a friend I cared about after they caught feelings for me, I think I've only had one situation where it ended up working out the way I wanted it to. But that is very rare. Going into something you're usually blinded by lust and you don't think it through and it works out great for awhile. But then something happens that inevitably changes things; you find out they're also sleeping with someone else, you find out they're dating other people or you just have too much time on your hands one day and start to wonder if what you're doing is really what you want. Once that change happens it's almost impossible to put the genie back in the bottle and keep hooking up without saying anything.
I guess all this rambling is my way of trying to make sense of the without strings scenario. I mean, deep down I don't want to just hook up anymore, I want a relationship and (if I'm lucky) love. But I still have fallen into hooking up with exes to fulfill immediate needs. I know that doesn't sync up at all. I don't know why. Add to that, this week I've talked to two friends about their current similar situations. One is on the fence about pursuing a no-strings relationship for similar reasons to mine, she wants a real relationship. Another started hooking up with a longtime friend and is insanely happy right now but I have a feeling he's gonna catch feelings and things are gonna get messy. I very much care about both of them, and I know they have to make their own decisions and all I can do is give advice when asked. But I don't know...it still kinda weighs on my mind I guess. As does my own issue with this subject and my apparent lack of committing to either the legit love thing or the wandering bachelor thing.

(EDIT: Make that three friends involved in these kinda situations)

How I Used To Be

I'm visiting family this week and my mom is going through decades of family photos to prepare a book for my uncle who has a big birthday coming up in about a month. Of course she's also become sidetracked by baby photos and pictures of her own childhood. Today she asked me to pick up some film she'd dropped off (yes, believe it or not, some people still use film and apparently Walgreens still develops it) from some cameras she'd found in a drawer. I came home and dropped the envelopes of photos on the table and went on about my afternoon. Then later on, while most of the family was outside for a in impromptu BBQ, I went into the kitchen to get something to drink and noticed the envelopes were still unopened on the counter. So I sat down and started to go through them, expecting to see pictures from some family wedding or child's birthday party. Instead, I saw pictures from my sophomore year in college. Talk about your mixed emotions.
My sophomore year of college seems so long ago, like a lifetime ago really. But in reality it was less than a decade ago. And it was probably the last time I was genuinely, 1000% happy and unaffected by the worst of my habits. It wasn't so much the pictures of me or my friends that brought up the bittersweet feelings. It was more the dozens of pictures of my first love and me. I have rarely looked at pictures of her since she left almost nine years ago, never mind looking at pictures of the two of us together in much happier times. It was only about six months ago that I was able to put up a small picture of her in an out of the way place, which is progress but I've never really gone out of my way to look at it. I've never felt ready to look at those pictures and relive that time in my life. Yet I couldn't stop flipping through these pictures, it was almost as if some force was guiding me through them. And I felt...Well, I don't know how to finish that sentence. It was almost as if I was completely detached from that period of my life, like I was looking at pictures of someone else.
I can't say I'm not still reeling a little from seeing those pictures. It didn't bother me to see her face or see us back when there was an us. I don't know 'bothered' is the right word for how I feel. I guess I feel sad about what was and what could've been. I feel puzzled about how a person ca change so drastically in the course of a decade. Then I feel upset with myself for being puzzled cuz a near-death experience will change anybody. But for the first time in a very long time, I felt happy about the time we spent together. But also sad because I remembered the pictures were taken less than a month before everything changed. And it amazes me how the two people in those pictures had absolutely no clue what was waiting in the wings. They had dreams and plans and rituals and habits. All of that is gone now and has been for quite some time. Which is unfortunate. But also how it was always meant to be I suppose.

S-EX

What is it about sex with an ex that is so appealing? I guess it could be the forbidden yet familiar nature of it. For some reason it feels good to do something bad, it's oddly liberating. And having sex with a former flame usually (okay, always) provides that so-bad-it's-good feeling with minimal health risk involved. What they don't show you in the the sex with an ex brochure are the emotional side effects, specifically the chances of catching feelings. I am a repeat offender when it comes to this particular practice. Years ago I did it because, hey free sex and none of the expectations of being a boyfriend. Why say no, right? But, as I eventually learned, ain't nothin' free. Especially not when it comes to relationships.
Recently I've done the hook-up with an ex thing thing more than I'd like to admit. Even though my reasons now are different than they were during the 'dark ages', I still don't think it's a good way to go about fulfilling an immediate need. Emotions are messy under the best of circumstances so they can get downright outta control when there's sex but no commitment involved. Such is the predicament I find myself in now. The author of the infamous "Burned" entry and I found ourselves in a moment a few weeks ago. The right thing to do would've been to let it pass and move on with our lives but instead we gave in. Afterward there was no conversation at all, the next time we spoke was a few days later and we made no mention of what we'd done. A week later we did it again but, after having thought about the first time for a few days, I decided to ask her a very important question. When I'd wanted to try dating again after I got myself together, she said no cuz she didn't think she could handle completely cutting me out of her life if it didn't work. So now I asked how she was able to hook-up with me but not attach any feelings to it. Some people can have sex with no attachment at all but I know she is not one of those people. She didn't respond to my question and when I wouldn't drop it she stormed out and we haven't spoken since.
My intent was not to piss her off, but to gauge if she thought the sex might evolve into something more. I guess I got my answer. But now we're in that weird in-between area of not speaking and therefore not knowing what to do now. I think we'd both like to stay friends and I hope the not talking is just so she can sort things out in her head and then we move on. But I know it could go the other way, which would seriously suck. And because I'm so freakin' impatient, the waiting is that much worse. *sigh* No good comes from sex with an ex.

Two Guys Walk Into A Bar...

Most of my closest friends are turning 30 this year and that blasted number claimed its first victim over the weekend. In a sort of perfect storm scenario, some college friends I'd had an epic prank war with in college were in town for a mini-reunion (with each other, not me and my crew). Since we had friends in common, it was decided we'd combine the two parties and head out for some fun. The birthday boy (R) and I got to the place and met up with the ringleader (A) of the other crew (whom I've just recently gotten back in touch with and whom I had a coulda, woulda situation with in college) and we hung out while waiting for everyone else. A mentions that her sister recently gave birth to baby number four and shows some pics, rendering R suddenly very nervous. She asks him what gives and his answer is just a wee bit completely shocking - he and A's sister had a torrid affair during college. Oh yeah and again a few years ago when she was a deeply religious, married mother of only two. (Jaw, meet floor.)
A was still reeling from this news when the rest of the party goers arrived so she stepped out for a second to gather herself. As everyone introduced and re-introduced themselves, a woman towards the back of the group caught my eye and I immediately looked away and sunk down in my chair. (Eyes, meet floor. Say hello to jaw while you're down there!) She and I had known each other as friends of friends while in college but had rarely spoken. Then we had a two-week fling in Vegas about four years ago that ended badly. A (who had been flirting with me for about a month) walked back in just in time to see this other chick, her friend and former teammate, come over and call me a bastard before walking away. And it got hella-awkward from there. (Me, meet karma.)
What's so weird about having a woman actively interested in me and a woman I wronged in the past at one table, you ask? Oh, I don't know...everything. No one said anything of course, it was just good old-fashioned awkward silence. That is, until one of the best friends of Ms. Wronged wondered out loud how often it is that a group of women get the chance to be in the same room with a man who hurt one of their own. Yeah, that started the convo in an interesting direction. It was a civilized stoning, they were more interested in hearing the details than anything else, but I still would rather have been drifting through space without a helmet than sitting at that table. But I know I had it coming. And eventually the table moved on to other topics so it wasn't as bad as it coulda been. But I tell ya, that karma sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

Custody Whoas

My daughter spent last week with her mom on a family trip. They returned on Saturday and I went over to pick up my girl this morning. I missed her like crazy and was ridiculously excited to see her but my excitement was tempered when her mother uttered the words, "Can we talk?". I know what that means and it's never anything good but I figured it was better to get it out of the way now. I assumed it was about her wanting the boy toy to meet me and then the kid, something I was once a little open to and am now completely closed to. But she had much more to say than that. She and the boy toy supposedly became engaged over the weekend. Apparently the event took place not 24 hours after she and I had it out over her sneaking her boyfriend in at night when she has the kid (big, scary dude sneaking into your house in the dark, in the middle of the night - duh, that's gonna cause nightmares for a 2 year old). I basically made it clear in that convo that my child is not gonna meet a dude I think isn't in it for the long haul. And this is her response? WTF?!
I lost my cool on the spot and told her everything I think about this jerk she's now engaged to. I know he's a bad guy, I know he wishes she didn't have a kid cuz he sees it as a pain in the ass to have our daughter around and I know he's using her to get a leg up in the industry. She of course denied that any of that is true and is convinced that if he could meet our child, he would change his tune. Whatever. People who don't like kids and who are as ruthlessly ambitious as this guy is don't suddenly love kids. I've heard stories from her own friends, even ones who could not stand me when we were together, about how this dude rolls his eyes every time she talks about the kid (or me, but that's more understandable) and changes the subject. I mean, if ALL of your friends and your mom and your co-workers and the father of your child (who in this case really does just want what's best for both her and the kid) think he's using you, wouldn't that be a big, huge red flag?! Ugh...it's like she's lost all the sense she had as a parent since she met this guy. I can't tell anymore if she's always putting the kid first in her life but this certainly doesn't inspire confidence that that's the case. She's 43 freakin' years old with an almost-3 year old child and a divorce behind her...it's too late to be caught up in this high school romance type sh*t. It's almost as if she's daring me to try and do something I really, REALLY do not wanna do.

Sad State of Affairs

Like most everyone else I've been watching the Charlie Sheen drama unfold over the past few weeks. How can you not see at least one interview, he's on any and every media outlet that'll have him. And they'll all have him because it means a spike in their ratings. I don't know what's worse; the fact that the media will bend over backwards to get him on their programs or the fact that so many people seem to be consciously tuning into these shows. What does it say about us as a society that we barely paid attention when this man was happily married with kids (and one can assume sober) but that we can't get enough of his latest fall from grace. I can't believe how many people think the whole thing is funny and are listening to his radio station and watching his online rants. I've talked to some people who think the entire thing is an act and he's just fine when he's off camera. Others have argued that if he wants to f*ck up his life and his career like this,and in a very public manner, then why shouldn't we watch? He's an entertainer and he chose to do it this way and no publicity is bad publicity and so on. What I don't get is why you'd wanna watch someone fall apart this way.
I'm no expert but I have a number of friends who have dealt with addiction and/or mental illness, a lot of the time they go hand in hand. In the few pieces I've seen about Charlie Sheen (or Carlos Estevez, his given name), I can't help but think that I've seen this movie before. A close friend of mine was working as an actor about five years ago and started dabbling in drugs a little bit in his free time. He quit those before they could really take any kind of control because he didn't like how he felt when he was high. A few months after that he started behaving very erratically and mouthing off towards people as if the whole world were there purely to serve him. After a month of this behavior he was fired and again dabbled in drugs and alcohol and began alienating everyone around him. The entire time he made it a point to say he thought he was fine and everyone else was overreacting. He spent a good six months doing all of this before he finally got help and was diagnosed as being bi-polar. He's much better now and medicated and happy and everyone who loves him is very thankful he got help before he went off the rails completely. I genuinely think Sheen is in the middle of some kind of manic episode and he's headed towards the ultimate point of no return if he doesn't get help.
People seem to forget that what Sheen is doing isn't just about him and his porn star girlfriends. He has a family that raised him and are concerned about what's happening to him now. And having been with him his entire life and career they know much more about what's going on than anyone else. He also has five kids, two of whom were taken away from him last week. No one's done a story about the toll this public breakdown is taking on them and no one could know how it'll affect them in the long run. People also forget this is a guy who has a history of being violent towards women but he seems to get a pass on that cuz of his so-called "bad boy" reputation. The producers of his show clung to him through all the earlier brushes with the law because ratings mean more than anything. In a way, they are also a part of what's going on with him now. Had they fired him when he stepped outta line, like any other employee at any other job would be, this might not be happening now. But ultimately the situation is a nightmare of Sheen's own making. Even if he doesn't know or admit to the possibility of mental illness, he knows he's an addict and that's a major contributor to his current state. I don't feel sorry for him, nor the hookers he's had issues with (they chose to be with him knowing of his reputation), nor the most recent ex-wife who was on board with him being a great father until just recently. I feel sorry for his kids (even the grown one) who will no doubt be dramatically affected by their father's actions. And I feel for his parents cuz I can't imagine what it's like to want to help your child so much but have your hands completely tied. I'm pretty much disgusted by the media attention and hope he gets help soon, rather than the alternative, for the sake of his family.

"Any dude who waits until Valentines Day to treat his woman like a Queen is failing 364 days a year"

Don't know who said it but I heard it today and I like it. I don't do Valentines Day (which I've said before) cuz it seems completely un-romantic to "celebrate" your love on a day when everyone else is doing the same thing. I think that romance is inspired; you do things because you just can't help yourself, not because it's required on a certain day or because you wanna hold on to the person you're with. Being a dude, I have sometimes forgotten to do all the little things sometimes (other times I just didn't want to, there is a BIG difference there). But also being a hopeless romantic, I can be pretty kick ass in this department when I'm inspired to be. I'm far from good at relationships but I do think that this is where most people lose the plot. Yes, life changes and gets in the way and it gets harder to find time for each other but the successful relationships I've had have all thrived on the element of surprise. Sometimes it's not about spending every second together, it's about doing something small to show you care. Fixing something cuz they need it to be done and don't have time to do it themselves. Making dinner at midnight cuz that's the only time they have free. I think stuff like that means way more than all the big, romantic gesture stuff they show in the movies. But maybe that's just me. Alls I know is the next time I'm in a relationship, I'm gonna remember this saying and apply it.

The Flame Rises But It Soon Descends

I was going through some old photos with a friend and we came across one of me and a...well, for lack of a better term, "half-girlfriend". (That term is borrowed from a friend. Basically it means she wasn't quite a full-on girlfriend, we lingered in the in-between.) We talked about the pic for a second and then the friend asked, "Whatever happened with you guys?". And I drew a total blank. Then it hit me a few days later that my relationship with that woman ended, for me anyway, before she even became a "half-girlfriend". Then it hit me even harder that this has become a recurring theme in my romantic adventures.
So what is it exactly that replays itself in almost every relationship? It usually goes something like this - It draws me in, it's all-consuming, I want it, I need it and even if everything in me is screaming that it's a horrible mistake, I still pursue it. Then, even less quickly than I became enamored, I disengage mentally and I'm out the door and down the block before she's even decided if she really likes me or not. It's like after that point I'm just waiting for an out and I will find it, no matter how small the window. She suggests I get help for my depression, I twist it to mean she thinks I'm crazy and I'm outta there. Try and make me do something that's good for me but that I don't want to do and I'm gone. Over and over again. So it just basic restlessness or something more that causes me to do this? That is the question.
I know that most dudes wouldn't care about leaving a trail of confused chicks behind cuz it's not like they have to deal with 'em anymore once it's over. But being a firm believer in those who don't understand their past are doomed to repeat it, I'd like to know why this pattern started in the first place. I know I have a gigantic kick in the ass coming my way via karma someday so it's not like I think I've gotten away with hurting people free and clear. I saw this movie once where this dude went back through all the women of his past and asked them what the problems in their relationship were. I've been tempted to do that but I've found that a much simpler (and less invasive) way of doing this is to write out how it all went down and I've been doing that on another blog. And it is helping but it's been an agonizingly slow process so far, but probably only cuz of my impatience.

Hopelessly Apathetic (Emphasis on 'Pathetic')

Apathy is a state of indifference or the suppression of emotions. Maybe it's just me but life seemed a whole lot easier when I was living it without all these pesky emotions. And now...See, that's the thing. I don't know how to finish that sentence. I know it's not good to not feel stuff. I did that for way too long and it solved nothing, it just sunk me into a deeper depression. And let me tell you, coming out of that state and dealing with those feelings and letting go of my apathetic ways rocked me like a hurricane. But I've noticed I tend to retreat to an apathetic state when things start affecting me or becoming too real and I know that isn't good and I'm trying to curb it. But damn is that easier said than done.
I am not typically a fan of long, detailed conversations. I don't have those kinds of conversations with very many people, it takes a lot for me to trust someone enough with my feelings. I have a tendency to stop personal conversations in their tracks, especially when the focus of them is me. I don't know why I do this but I often wonder if it has something to do with having been accused by girlfriends past of sometimes being overly sensitive. So now rather than put how I really feel out there and get criticized for it, I refrain from saying anything at all. Another part of it I think is that I often feel like I shouldn't unload my problems on someone else since they have their own issues. I'd rather help them through their stuff, if I can, instead of unloading my burdens on them. Whatever the reason, very few people have the power to engage me in a detailed conversation about myself.
My daughter is battling a bit of a cold so I was up with her for awhile the other night and couldn't get back to sleep. So I crept downstairs, planted myself on the patio and lost myself in thought. Not long after I started thinking, one of the people with the power to make me analyze myself sat down next to me. I know you shouldn't play favorites with people but I ADORE this particular cousin. She lives in DC so we don't get to hang out with each other as much as we'd like. She asked what I was thinking about and, in typical me fashion, I deflected the focus back to her. She just turned 33 and talked about how happy she is with her career and her family but feels like the one thing missing in her life is love. Her parents have been married for eons and are still in love and that's what she wants (don't we all, right?). Then, real slick like, she turned the convo around on me. Before mission control could ignite my resistance boosters, I started pouring my heart out.
You know how you have tons in common with someone and something clicks and you feel so safe with them that you know you can be yourself, flaws and all? You confess every past secret, lay out every misdeed and it only brings you closer. I've known that once and it was too long ago. Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I was to have it even once. I know I didn't truly appreciate it in the moment though, not until it was gone. But it was the one time I didn't pull away at all because I felt comfortable. So why can't I break the habit and not pull away now? That is the million dollar question. I seriously suck. It's like the one place I literally can't force myself to get it right is in the relationship category. I build myself up and then I pull myself right back down. And then someone inevitably gets hurt and it's fine when that someone is me. But I can't stand hurting other people. Although that is apparently what I do all too well.

In My Dreams

Last week I had a weird ass dream involving solar flares and hockey (don't ask). Prior to that I had some...um, other kinds of good dreams involving a woman. But last night I had a dream that was both weird and a little concerning. It probably wouldn't be concerning for most people though. From what I can gather, it was set in the future and I was a very happy camper. I was also taking care of a new baby. Yeah. And I was ecstatic about it, which threw me even more. The timing of this dream was weird because for the first time in probably about two weeks, nobody in my life has mentioned the whole 'you should have more kids' thing. That whole 'more kids' thing gets on my last nerve cuz I don't really understand why people think I should have more. And prior to my having a kid I would have said that I didn't want any cuz it's a cruel, crazy world to bring a kid into. I still do feel that way but a tiny, minuscule part of me has started to creep in and say, "Hey dude, you're already raising one in this crazy joint, what's one more?". And that does make sense. Somehow I've gone from no more kids for sure to actually considering more kids. Obviously it'd be difficult (though not impossible) to have more on my own so I doubt my dream was set in the immediate future. But...yeah...I don't know. Maybe it's just a phase...